I want to be a knight mage

What did I want to be? The question lodged itself in my mind like a splinter. My first, impulsive thought was ludicrous: Xyra's wife.

The idea alone made my face burn, and I could almost hear Nyla's voice teasing me about my delusions. But as the thought lingered, it softened. Maybe not her wife after all, Xyra barely even acknowledged me in any meaningful way.

But perhaps… her lover? That was equally ridiculous. I'd never even had a proper conversation with her that didn't involve her mocking someone or freezing them in their tracks.

The more I tried to pin down the fantasy, the more it unraveled. What did I even want from Xyra? Friendship? Recognition? For her to see me as someone worthy of her attention, someone more than just another face in the crowd?

No. Valeria's question was deeper than that, wasn't it? It wasn't about who I wanted to be around, but what I wanted to stand for.

"Are you going to answer me, or are you just going to stand there daydreaming?" Valeria's voice snapped me out of my spiraling thoughts.

She was already in a fighting stance, her sharp eyes focused on me like a hawk preparing to dive. We weren't done for the day, it seemed.

"Do you always ask existential questions before sparring?" I asked, shaking off my mental haze and raising my fists.

Valeria smirked. "Keeps you on your toes. You think better when you're moving."

"Or get punched while distracted," I muttered, but I mirrored her stance.

Valeria lunged, her movements precise and controlled. I dodged to the side, flames instinctively sparking around my hands as I braced for the next attack.

She didn't give me time to think, pressing forward with a series of quick jabs.

"Seriously," she said between strikes, "what do you want to be? You're not answering because you don't know, or because you're afraid of the answer?"

Her words hit harder than her fists. I blocked one of her punches, the impact reverberating up my arm, and countered with a swipe of fire aimed at her feet. She jumped back, her smirk never faltering.

"Maybe both," I admitted, surprising even myself with the honesty in my voice.

"Not good enough," she said, lunging again. This time, her kick nearly caught me off balance, but I managed to deflect it with a shield of flame.

As the fight continued, my mind worked furiously. What did I want? The answers that came to me felt small and fleeting, like trying to grasp smoke.

Maybe I wanted to be strong. Not just in terms of magic or combat, but strong enough to stand on my own, to face the world without flinching.

Maybe I wanted to protect people. Nyla, for one. Valeria and Elira, too, though they'd probably laugh if I ever admitted it.

Or maybe I just wanted to prove something to myself. That I was more than the scared, unsure girl who'd walked into that high school earlier today.

"Still quiet," Valeria noted, her voice calm despite the exertion. She swept her leg in a low kick, forcing me to jump to avoid it.

"I'm thinking," I snapped, countering with a flame-infused punch that she sidestepped with ease.

"Good," she said. "Thinking means you're trying. Keep going."

The intensity of her attacks forced me to focus on every movement, every shift of weight and angle of approach. My flames burned brighter, surging in response to the challenge.

"I want…" I started, only to trail off as Valeria's fist came dangerously close to my side. I blocked it at the last second, retaliating with a burst of heat that sent her skidding back a few paces.

"You want?" she prompted, her tone impatient but not unkind.

"I don't know yet!" I blurted, frustration bubbling to the surface. "Why does it even matter?"

Valeria paused, her stance relaxing slightly. She tilted her head, her expression thoughtful.

"Because if you don't know what you want, you'll just be wandering aimlessly. Strength without purpose is useless, Ren. It's like trying to build a fire without knowing what you're trying to light."

Her words sank into me, heavy and unyielding. She wasn't wrong, but the answer still felt out of reach, like a word on the tip of my tongue that I couldn't quite grasp.

Valeria didn't give me long to dwell on it. She surged forward again, her strikes sharper now, more precise. The fight was pushing me to my limits, forcing me to react on instinct.

And in those moments, something clicked.

I didn't just want to be strong. I wanted to be someone who could stand tall no matter what came my way. Someone who could face people like Xyra without fear, who could protect people like Nyla without hesitation.

"I want to be…" The words began to form, shaky but solidifying with each passing second.

Valeria's next attack was a feint, but I saw through it, sidestepping and countering with a whip of fire that forced her to retreat.

"I want to be someone who makes a difference," I said, the conviction in my voice surprising even me.

Valeria grinned, her eyes glinting with approval. "Now we're getting somewhere."

The fight reached a fever pitch, both of us moving in a rhythm that felt less like combat and more like a dance.

Each strike, block, and counter carried weight, a silent dialogue that spoke louder than words.

And then, as the final piece fell into place, the answer came to me.

"I want to be a knight mage," I said, the words clear and steady.

The fight came to an abrupt halt as Valeria stepped back, her expression unreadable. For a moment, the only sound was our labored breathing.

"A knight mage, huh?" she said, her tone softer now.

I nodded, the certainty settling over me like a well-worn cloak. It wasn't just about magic or combat. It was about standing for something bigger than myself.

About combining strength and purpose into something that could withstand even the harshest storms.

Valeria studied me for a long moment before nodding, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips. "Good answer."