Chapter 31 - Jay

She still loves me, I... I healed her? I... My fist hits the lockers and I break down. No, Amelia said that this was her way to manipulate me. She had to know that I stood there, so she said those things. But why did she looked so shocked and surprised to see me?

She was sorry, she felt bad that I heard that. God and I saw so much love in her eyes, love for me. No! I shake my head and pace back and forth trough the locker room.

I can't let her in my head again, I was over that point, I knew how I had to work passed that. How to push her away.

But fuck, this hurts. Crying I slide down the wall, I just have to cry it out and get my mind of things. The hurt will go away. At some point.

"Jay?" I hear Amelia on the other side of the door, but I can't say anything, I can't do anything. I'm in the middle of a mental break down. I can't do this anymore.

I feel hands on my shoulders and look up. Amelia is in front of, she wipes the tears from my cheeks. "Breath." She sits in front of me and doesn't let go off my face. "Just in and out like we practiced."

She's probably here because Jake told her and for the first time I just want to be alone. I don't want her calming and reassuring words, I just want nothing, compleet silence.

And then there is another bang on the door. Amelia and I both look at the door, surprised. "Jay." My breath hitches in my throat. Charlie. I can't.

"Stay here." Amelia stands and walks towards the door before Charlie can come in. "I think you need to leave."

"Is Jay here?" I hear worry in her voice and although I don't want to I feel that familiar fluttering in my stomach. "Please, Amelia, I just -"

"No." Amelia sounds a bit angry. "She doesn't want to see you and I think it's best if she does not too." I close my eyes, I don't want to do something stupid.

"I just want to explain myself, please, give me 2 minutes and then you can drag me out, beating my ass if you want to." I can't help it and smile, she's still fighting for me. Should I... No.

Amelia sighs. "That's a bad idea. She needs to heal, you need too. So you know as well as I do, that you have to walk away."

"Don't you understand that I can't" Charlie's getting frustrated. "It's been weeks and I can't get her out of my head, can't you see that I need her?"

"You have to life without her and how sooner you realize that you lost her, the sooner that you're over her." What is she doing? "You're bad, Charlie. You should have stayed away from her." Is she trying to make Charlie doubt and hate herself?

"Don't do this." Charlie sounds really upset and it makes my heart ache. "Please."

"Sorry but -"

"Let her come in." I interrupt Amelia. I try to stand up, but my legs are vary shaky. "Amelia move out the way." When I look up, they both are in the locker room again, both looking at me.

"I just want 2 minutes of your time." Charlie begs and let me tell you that I never heard her beg in her life before.

I nod, I don't dare to look at Amelia, because I already know how she looks at me. She's mad. "Am, leave us." She doesn't move. "Please, give us a moment." I want to hear her out, but I won't let her manipulate me.

Amelia walks towards me, looking nothing more than pissed. "Jay, listen to your self, don't do this, you will make it worse."

"I think she can talk for herself." Charlie says.

Amelia holds her hand up to shut Charlie up. "You said it yourself, you chose for yourself."

"That's what I'm doing, talking doesn't make it worse or better, it's what grown-ups do right? Well let's do that." I look at her. "Now leave us alone."

She scoffs. "Fine." She throws up her hands in defeat. "But don't call me to tell me I was right." She moves towards the exit without another word.

Charlie blows out a breath when Amelia is gone. "She's something else." The goofy expression that she had disappears when I slide down the wall. "Are you okay?"

Still so worried. I nod. "I just need to sit down."

"Can I..." Charlie looks frustrated. "Can I sit next to you? I can stand if you don't -"

"I don't bite." I lay my head against the cold tiles behind me and follow her movements with my eyes. Slowly she let herself slide down next to me, keeping some distance, I guess not to upset me but the only thing I want is for her to hold me. No, just talking, nothing more. We're over.

My heart aches when I keep repeating that. She probably only wants that I forgive her so she can move on, she probably don't even likes me anymore.

"I know you don't want me to tell you how sorry I am because you hate that, so let me just tell you the whole story and after that I will say a hundred times sorry." I don't look at her, I know I can't.

"It started with AJ." Charlie let's out a shaky breath, I know this is hard for her, but I can't let her see that I feel bad for her or that I still love her, that I still care. "We met when I was 14,5 years old, 2 years after what happened. She was from an other school, she was something new. She made me laugh, she made me feel better and since a long time I didn't looked at myself like I was dirty." Don't look at her, please don't!

"We started dating when I was 15, I trusted her, I told her things. I didn't even told her what I've told you but she knew a lot. I really thought she cared for me, but I guess I should have seen it coming because on the bad days, she was busy, at least that's what she said." Charlie throws her head back and stares at the ceiling. "Still till this day I don't know what her plan was, why she did what she did."

"You don't have to tell me Charlie." I say, still not looking at her.

"I do, because you will understand why I was a fucking asshole." I feel her eyes on me but I can't seem to look at her. "On a party she got me under influence from some kind of drugs, I was almost 16 at that time. Out of nothing the lights switched off and on a beamer you saw a recording of me, having a nightmare, saying words that said enough."

Charlie laughs, but it is humorless. "I believed her when she told me that some kind of psycho did that, that she was so sorry. She took me upstairs to calm me down, she held me." Charlie takes a long deep breath. "I fell asleep woke up a couple hours later and I started seeking for her because I wanted to go home. After opening every door that I saw, I ended up by a bedroom and when I openend the door I saw her with a girl. They where doing it in front of me and I stood there frozen in the doorway."

I have to hold myself back. Charlie sounds devastated, hurt, but also a little numb. And that's what's worrying me. "You blamed yourself." I say.

"AJ made me look at them fuck and she enjoyed every moment of it, I wanted to go away but I couldn't. I couldn't move, I could feel the anxiety coming up, taking over. AJ knew, came over to me, walked circles around me telling me it was all my fault, the thing with my dad, the video, her cheating, that I was sick in my head, with no feelings and that I should feel bad for her." I lost it, I shut down every last emotion that I had, left without looking her in the eye."

"I changed, I let myself believe that I deserved everything, the rape, my dad picking his side, Keith not knowing anything, my mom devorcing my dad because of me, AJ using me, breaking me to my core. I let myself believe that I couldn't love, that people couldn't love someone that broken. That my depression and anxiety was what I deserved." I can't hold back any longer and I look at her, tears are streaming down my face and I takes me everything inside of me not to wipe them away.

"Nobody deserve that." I say, I slide my hand in hers for comfort.

"I know that now." She smiles softly at me. "But not then, I got dragged in a very dark hole, didn't smile, didn't laugh, didn't enjoy anything anymore. I threw myself in baseball because that was the only thing that could clear my head. Coach took me under his wing, he was there for me and I needed that, but it wasn't enough. Neither where all the girlfriends that I treated like shit, I did the things on that fucking list to have a bit of fun, because I had none."

"And then there was you, I thought it would go the same and yeah I had stole girls from Keith before and it made him pissed. Girls he really liked and I snatched them before his eyes, making him think that he couldn't have anyone. But it wasn't like this this time, I swear."

Charlie sighs. "The first time I saw you something changed, this very rare thing happened, I saw a way out and how more we spoke, how more you looked at me how bigger that escape became. It was like it was the only thing I would look for." She looks at me again. "Even if it where little moments when you would only peak a glance, it was enough, I didn't even know that I was hunting for those moments, until at Jake's house when we almost kissed."

"I slept a whole night since a long time and when I started to realize what was going on, I stopped with the list and yeah I said those things about you, but I didn't know you, I hadn't made you yet, I hadn't looked in those beautiful green eyes." Charlie's thumb caresses my hand, making everything in me tingly. "I thought it would be the same boring year, with the same people, with the same actions. But you changed everything, you changed me."

"You showed me what love was, you showed me how to love and you healed me, I could let myself go in a really long time and it scared the shit out of me, because I thought about what happened with AJ, that's why I was still a prick for a long time, but you broke through and showed me that it was real."

"I didn't wanted to lose that, so I just kept going avoiding Keith, avoiding telling you the truth, but look where that got me. I did hurt you, I still broke your trust, I have lost you and if I could do it over again I would and I would do it right. I know you will probably never forgive me, I wouldn't either but I just want you to know the truth so you can move on."

Charlie looks me straight in the eye, tears rolling down her cheeks which make my heart ache even more than her words do. "I know I can't, that you will always be the only one for me even tho I'm still fucking 18 years old, I will keep fighting for you even if you don't want me too." I don't turn my head away when she strokes my cheek. I don't want this moment to stop.

"Do you remember what I told you on my birthday?" I remember it as if it was yesterday.

-------

Charlie groans, when I walk in the room with a cake. "I told you that I didn't want to celebrate my birthday!"

"Well I don't care." I move over to her and sit on top of her. "Make a wish." I whisper.

Charlie looks at the cake and then at me, she doesn't seem like she's going to participate.

"Baby, please." I look at her with big eyes.

She shakes her head. "No, I don't want to because when you turned 17, you wouldn't let me celebrate it with you."

"That's because I hate my birthday and I never told you when it was and also nobody knew we where dating."

Charlie grins. "Oh so we are dating."

"Shut up, you know we are dating!" I let her kiss me and break away from her with a giggle. Still hate it.

She sighs. "Well I want to give you a birthday present too."

"Being with you is my present, now blow out the candles and make a wish." I look her in the eye, knowing she will give in after a while.

"Fine." She closes her eyes with a big sigh, she's quit for a while and then she opens her eyes and blows out the candles. "Do you know what I -"

"Your not suppose to say it, because then it's not going to happen."

"You're adorable." Charlie takes the cake out of my hand and moves it out of the way so she can grab my face. "I wish that you will be my forever one."

-----

"I wish that you be my forever one." I say.

"That was a promise, I knew I would fuck up because I always break something that's good. But for me you will always be the one."

I look at her with tears in my eyes. "Charlie." I begin while tears stream down my face.

"I know." She says. We are both crying.

She moves towards me until she sits in front of me. I move towards her too but I hold back.

"I'm sorry." I say. She shakes her head at me.

"I'm the one who has to say sorry, I fucked this up." She places her forehead against mine. "I know I can never make this up." We both know it. "I know I have to let you go."

"I'm sorry." I say again. "I'm so sorry." Charlie can't hold back her sob anymore.

"I love you so much, Jay." She knows I can't say it back. Although everything in me screams to say it too, she knows I can't. "And I hope that we can meet again, when we are older and wiser and laugh about this." I nod. "I hope you meet someone who treats you like the queen that you are, and makes you feel the most beautiful person in the world and I hope you and your dad will be okay." She caresses my cheeks. "I know I will never ever forget you." We look at each other, knowing exactly what this means.

"Kiss me one last time."

"Jay..."

"Please." I beg. I pull on her shirt. "Kiss me."

We move slowly our lips almost touch, but we are both scared. Scared for what this means, scared for what comes after this. But we know we have to.

"One last time." She whispers on my lips.

"One last time."

And with that our lips crash onto each other and everything seems to stop. Everything comes rushing back. I never felt so good before and it never hurt more. We kiss like there is no tomorrow and in our case there isn't. Our hands are entwined in each others hair. Pulling each other closer.

We cry while we kiss, we throw out every emotion because we know it will be the last time. We both don't want it to end. But every good thing ends sometime. Charlie knows that too and is the first one to pull away.

"I will be forever yours." She whispers, before letting go of of me.

"I love you too." I say after a while and when I open my eyes she's gone, like she was never here.