Chapter 29 - Charlie

It's just dark. The passing weeks were dark, I don't give a shit about graduating. I don't care about anything anymore. Honestly I just want everything to be over. The pain, the heartbreak, my fucking mistakes. Everything.

I'm numb, I know I am and that's the fucked up part. The past two weeks went on and I didn't even noticed. I just stayed in my room, buried myself in my sheets. At first I clenched Jay's shirt against my chest, but I endend up throwing it in the farthest corner of my room because It just made me more depressed.

She told me not to text her or anything but I couldn't. After 3 days I send her a text and the day after that and the day after that day. She didn't reply and blocked me. I just want to explain myself.

I need her. I really, really need her. It's dark without her, I don't see a way out anymore. I hate everything.

Mom doesn't know how to help me and I don't speak to Keith anymore. I don't want help either, I want everyone to leave me alone. Jake came by a few times. But I wouldn't speak to him. It wasn't that I didn't want to. But I didn't want to break down again. Knowing I wouldn't stop crying.

He told me that Jay stayed home for a week and when she finally came to school she was a mess. She's acting like everything is alright. But he heard her crying in the locker room a few times. I hated myself even more when I heard that. I didn't only broke myself, but I also broke her.

God, if I could go back in time, I would, I would prevent fucking everything. I would tell her that I love her more. But I can't.

Jake forced me to come to school again, so here I am. Ready to break down and beat everyone up who talks to me. Great.

I take a deep breath before pulling up in the parking lot with my motorcycle. It's the only way to escape my thoughts. I park my motor and step off. People stare at me, but not because they know who I am but because I'm riding a motorcycle as only one here.

My helmet comes off and with it so goes my confidence, a dark and heavy feeling comes in return.

Before anyone can really see my face, I pull up the hood of my hoody and sighs. Everyone moves around me and I'm overstimulated right away. I can't do this.

I close my eyes and calm down. Man up. When I walk into the school, I shut down every emotion, every feeling, every thing except the anger.

People look at me when I walk passed them. I throw a boy against the lockers for staring too long and ball my hands to fists when I hear the rumors. Everyone knows.

She said I couldn't come to her house, so I didn't. I couldn't call or text her, so I didn't, well that's a lie, but she blocked me, so I couldn't. But she didn't say anything about school. I make my way down the hallway, seeking her.

I don't know where she is, but my legs carry me down the hall, as if my body exactly knows where she is.

Jay. I see her, my breath stops and my feet stop. I'm frozen in my place, my head is fighting with my heart. Is this a good idea? She's going to be mad at me. But I have to.

I push myself towards her, until I stop behind her. She's not standing by her locker, she just stands here waiting for Jake and Andrew probably.

Breathe in, breathe out. My heart rings in my ears, am I shaking? Shake it off! Get your head togheter. People are already staring at us, but I ignore them. I clear my throat with great conviction. She looks up, all the color is sucked of her face when she sees me.

"Jay please." I begin.

She looks away, she can't even look me in the eye and that hurts. "I can't." She says, her voice is nothing more than a whisper.

"Just let me explain, please."

She shakes her head. "No, you need to leave me alone."

She wants to walk away but I stop her. She looks at the hand that I have wrapped around her wrist and I know right away that it is a mistake.

"Get your hand of me." Her voice breaks in the middle and I know that's because I broke her heart and I'm giving her old flashbacks of her dad.

"I'm sorry." I step closer to her, whisper the words. But she recoils as if she's afraid of me, like she despises me. Tears burn in my eyes, she hates me. "I'm so sorry."

She holds up her hands. "Just... Just don't."

"I need you, Jay." I look at her, trying really hard not to cry in front of everyone. "Please."

Her lip shakes. "I can't." She walks passed me, I can't help it and slam my fist in the locker in front of me. Leaving a big dent. I don't even feel the pain in my hand when I walk towards my locker.

I keep my head down as I stand by my own locker. Come on, don't let them get to you. You're better than this. Everything is alright, don't get a panic attack, not now.

"Charlotte." Logan throws my locker closed. Great, as if my day can't get any worse. "A bird whispered in my ear that Jay broke up with you." I'm clenching my fists so hard that I think I might have broken some bones. "Was about damn time, it surprised me that she even wanted something with the schools most numb asshole."

I look at him in the corner of my eyes, he grins when he sees a muscle in my jaw twitching. "I guess you liked her if you are looking like you died." He grins. "Guess she finally saw, who you truly are... a using player with no emotions or feelings."

If he doesn't shut up, I'm going to punch him so hard that his teeth fall out.

"I think you should be happy tho, you did win with the ranking list." He looks past me and I already know who stands there. Jay. "Look at her." I don't want to. "Look at her, Charlie, I dare you." He's getting closer. "Look at her!" He turns my head for me and I want to punch him in the fucking throat but then my eyes find her.

She looks so god damn beautiful and I feel how the heavy feeling in my chest tightens. It seems like someone is sticking a knife in my heart again and again. Twisting the knife in the process.

When I look down and close my eyes with a sigh, Logan chuckles next to me. I don't have enough anger anymore to be mad. I feel mentally drained.

"Well I will gladly take your spot in the team you know, now you are whining over a mentally ill person, named Jay." Is he fucking serious? "It's pretty pathetic that you and your brother fell for the same person, especially since she's crazy."

I cringe when Walker smashes his fist in the lockers on my other side. "Little bitch." He says. "You did exactly what you promised us. She fell in love with you and you did a snap with your finger and poof she's gone." He laughs, making my blood boil more.

"And look at you now." Logan says. "Heart broken over some dump whore with a mentally ill mom, who almost killed someone." He comes closer again. "Good riddance."

That's it. I turn around so quickly that he doesn't even see it coming. I slam him hard against the lockers making him groan. I grab his face hard between my hand, almost crunching his bones with my bare hand. "If you open that mouth once more, I will stump my foot so far up your ass that you can feel the leather with your tongue." I punch him in the stomach, making him fall forward. "I will kill you." I hiss his way.

"Bad temper?" Walker looks at me with a grin. "That girl really must have gotten to you." When I dive for him, he speeds off. That's what I thought.

When I turn around everyone in the hallway looks at me. But I also feel her eyes on me and when our eyes lock, my heart beat stops again. She hasn't lost her touch on me. But I do understand what Jake said. We both look like shit, why didn't I notice that when I stood in front of her?

Then everything comes flashing back."We're over." It keeps repeating in my head. I have to get out of here. I squeeze through the crowd until I'm outside, where I puke in some bushes. Fuck.

I take a deep breath before I come back up and wipe my mouth. Well, nope. I clap forward and puke again. This is amazing, uhum.

"Charlie." Jake rubs my back, which surprisingly makes me feel better. But I do slap his hand away.

"I'm fine." I hiss. I chug the sour tast out of my mouth. "Just go, Jake." I say trying to get myself together.

"Do you really think I'm just going to walk away from you? I'm your best friend and I don't want you to drive away from school."

"Why?" I say turning towards him. "What am I even doing?" I look up at the sky. "She hates me, Jake." Saying this I sit down on the side walk. "She hates me and that's all my fault, If I wasn't such a fucking -"

"Charlie stop." He sits down next to me. "Stop blaming yourself for something you did in the past." He lays his hand on my shoulder. "I saw how you two looked at each other, talked about each other. If I know something. "It's that that is true love and you can't tell me otherwise."

I look at him. "It's a true broken heart you mean." I'm getting angry when he smiles.

"You really love her, don't you?"

I stare at my hands. "She was everything that mattered." I take a deep breath. "There was light at the end of the tunnel since a very long time and it's all gone now she's gone."

"You will get through this okay and I just know that you are going to fight for her, even if she doesn't want that."

I laugh humorously. "It doesn't matter if you keeping fighting for something you already lost, I should have fought for her when I still had her."

------

I hit the baseball hard and start running. My feet slip away and I slide over the sand. I punch my fist in the ground and get up. Coach Lewis is not happy that I missed some games and practices. He wants to talk but I just can't.

With a growl, I throw my stuff by the dugout and start running around the track. It isn't long or Andrew runs besides me.

"Go back." I say without looking at him.

"I'm your friend too, Charlie."

"She needs you more."

He scoffs. "I doubt that, you look even worse than she does and believe me, Jay showed me a lot." He increases his speed when I do.

"I don't want to talk." I just want to clear my head and forget everything although I know I can't.

"We don't have to, we can just run." So he just runs with me, 4 rounds, 7, 10 and when we reach 13 he is barely keeping up with me. I'm so numb I don't even feel it that my body is tired.

"Charlie." He pants. "Were did all this stamina come from?" I don't laugh with him, I keep running. "He, it's okay, just stop."

"I can't." I increase my speed. "Just let me alone."

"Come on, this is going to be the end of you." I don't care. It wouldn't be bad if it did. "Char." I hold up my hand.

Andrew stops when I don't listen to him anymore. I run 4 more rounds before I collapse. I lean on my knees breathing loudly and barely. Fuck.

Something cold hits my neck and it's the best thing ever. "Don't do that ever again." I hear coach Lewis say. Great. "I will bench you."

"I don't care." I take the water bottle from him and walk back. "It doesn't matter anyway."

"I want to talk to you." I don't.

I feel her eyes on me, feel right away that she's worried. I throw the water-bottle hard towards the dugout hitting Logan in the proces, who turns towards me very angry.

"You're dead." Amazing.

I clench my hands into fists. "Come and get me."

"Charlie." I hear Jake yell. Just shut up.

Logan comes charging at me. "Now your girlfriend, ow oops, sorry ex-girlfriend is going to see how it is to see how you are when you really explode." He's starting a fire in me that nobody can put out.

"At least I can get a girlfriend." Logan swings his fist at me. He misses. "And I can fight."

He gets a hold of me, pulling me close. "My girlfriends weren't lunatics." I growl at him.

"I will end you." I hiss. "Hit me then, I know you can't."

"You're done." He swings his fist at my face, but I duck under it and push him back.

"You hit better when you're drunk." I tease. He growls. His third swing misses my head with a few inches.

"At least I didn't fell for a mentally ill patient." I growl, anger taking over and I punch him right in the nose. His head slams back, and he holds his nose with his hand. "You fucking bitch."

He charges at me, but I slam my fist in his stomach. I hit punch after punch, he bleeds quickly and I keep going and going. Until we're on the ground and I'm on top of him.

"Fucking asshole." I yell at him.

"Fuck you." He spits some blood in my face, making my blood boil. "You're pathetic." I grab his shirt and slam his head hard against the ground, his eyes roll back. And before I can knock him out I'm pulled off him. Two people hold me down on the ground, while I growl with anger.

"Charlie, calm down."

"Jesus, you're bleeding." Someone puts an icepack against my face. It's until now that I feel blood dripping from my own face.

"Principal's office now!" Coach yells. "Both of you!"

I throw Clay and Andrew off me. "Don't fucking touch me." I press my own shirt against my open lip and grab my stuff. Logan does the same.

"I hate you." I hiss at him, he looks like shit and that makes me grin. Even if that hurts my lip.

"Fuck you."

"Charlie and Logan!" Coach yells.

Logan huffs and walks towards him. "Yeah."

I follow behind him, shrugging Andrew off. "Just don't." I say. "Leave me alone."

"We're just trying to help." He tries.

"Let them help." I stop walking and turn towards Keith.

I laugh in his face. "Funny coming from you."

"Charlie..."

"Don't you dare talk to me, you made my life a hell, so thank you for making me lose the most important thing in my life and no that's not you. Good riddance." I hit him with my shoulder when I walk passed him. I saw her face when I told him that. My heart aches and for a few moments I think I'm getting a heart attack.

Andrew tries to help me when he sees I'm not doing well. "Don't."

"You're about to pass out." I growl at him. "Come on."

"Let him help you." I stop walking again when I hear her voice. That's the last drop. The heavy feeling in my chest is so big that I can't breath.

Everything turns black and I drop to the floor. Andrew's too late with catching me, my head hits the hard ground knocking me out.

-----

Groaning I open my eyes. Mom gets a hold of my hand when I turn my head towards her. A head ache is killing me. "What happened?" I say with a raspy voice.

"Because of the blows to your head from Logan you passed out." It wasn't Logan who caused that. It was hearing Jay's voice, knowing she still cared.

"You're really lucky." Mom says, she's emotional. "Jay was quick enough to help you when you knocked out. If she didn't help you as quick, I think you wouldn't even lay here in the nursery of the school." She helped me... Maybe I do still have a chance. I don't hear my mother anymore. Jay is on my mind.