Chapter 15 - Charlie

Every scenario infiltrates my mind, making me more and more panicked by the seconds. I hit the dashboard again and bite my knuckles. Fuck.

Jay tenses next to me. She's the one driving. She wouldn't let me drive when she heard what happened to Keith. I was so panicked that I couldn't even get my keys out of my pocket. She begged me to drive me. When I looked at her, I just couldn't, but I knew she would convince me.

At this point I don't even think about the hurtful things she said to me, Keith is the only thing on my mind. Mom doesn't know what happened, why he is in the hospital, god if he's even okay. I'm so scared.

If something happened to him, I don't know if I can take it. This can't happen again. It will break me and I'm done picking up the pieces over and over again. It hurts to damn much, I'm so tired. I want this to be over.

Why did he do it? Why did he had to ruin my life, why did he had to ruin me? Why did he betray me. Why did he... He broke my trust in every human being the day he hurted me the most. I'm damaged for live because of him. I can't open up about it. I can't talk about it. Even thinking is hard. I've hurted myself because of him, I hurted the people that love me. I keep everyone at a distance, a distance were they can't hurt me.

And knowing Keith was in an accident, that hits right home. I can't lose him. I really can't.

"I'm going to kill him." I mutter.

"It's going to be okay." Jay tries to clam me, but it doesn't help. "I promise."

"You don't know that." I whisper, looking out of the window. I feel how she grabs my hand and although I want to pull my hand away, I can't. Not when she is touching me. I've tried to keep her at a distance, but she broke right trough that barrier, no one ever could do that.

"It's Keith." She jokes. "Look if it was Jake I would be worried." I look at her, she was already looking at me. "The worst thing that could have happened was that they were in a car accident, but the other boys are okay." This realization calms me. "It will be okay."

"I'm still going to kill him."

"That's fine by me." When I don't laugh she looks at me again. "What is it, Charlie, I know something is bothering you." Damn it.

"I'm just..." I shut my mouth closed.

"What?" She slowly removes her hand from mine and accelerates. She stops at the parking lot and she looks at me. Trying to convince me to open up.

"It's like it's all happening again." It's just a whisper, but I know she heard it. Before she can response I step out of my truck and breath in. I don't know if I can do this.

"What is happening all over again?" I hear her say, she grabs my arm to turn me around. "Charlie look at me."

"I can't." I say hurt. "You will look differently at me, I don't want that."

"You don't know that." She says.

I pull my arm away. "But I do know, everyone looks different at me." I turn around and move forward.

"Charlie." I hear her say behind me. I walk to the the entrance, can't look at her or I will break. I move trough the hospital without saying a word to her. I want to, I really want to say everything to her, but no words come out of my mouth, it's too hard.

I want to yell, to scream. I want to tell her every bit of myself, but I know I can't. She will despise me. And the last thing I want is that she is disgusted of me.

I see mom when I round the corner. "Charlie, thank god." She embraces me and I hear how she thanks Jay. I have to get a hold of myself.

"Is he okay?" I say to break the moment.

Mom sighs. "He is, he broke his arm while doing something stupid." I close my eyes with a sigh.

"I will kill him." Fucking asshole.

"Can we see him?" I hear Jay say.

"Yes, of course, I will be waiting outside, to try if I can talk to a doctor." I nod and walk to the right door.

I hear Keith laugh at the other side. Andrew is probably here with him. I feel Jay's hand on my back, I relax some more. I breath in and out and open his door. His eyes land directly on us.

"Mom, I told you not to call her!" I roll my eyes and punch him.

"I will fucking kill you." He grins, but I see that my punch hurted. He just wants to be cool in front of Jay. Jesus.

Jay shakes her head. "How the hell did this happen?"

Andrew grins. "Jake challenged him to do a backflip of Jake's car and Keith did it."

"You are a fucking moron." I huff. He is the most stupid fucking human alive.

"Aw, were you worried about me." Keith pouts. "I didn't know that was possible." I hit him again. He squeaks in pain. Asshole.

"Jake filmed the whole thing." Andrew grins. "When Keith fell we didn't thought his arm was broken, so it only got worse and then he passed out."

"Thanks for saying that." Keith snorts. He looks at me and Jay again and frowns. "Why were you two together and are your clothes wet?"

I panic. How do I explain this? How in the hell will he not know what's going on between us. Shit. I hoped I got longer. Fuck me.

"We were training." Jay says, stepping closer so she stands besides me. "The sprinklers turned on in the middle of our training."

Andrew and Keith both burst out laughing. "Idiots."

"Thanks." Jay laughs. "But we are not the ones who broke their arm."

"Ouch." I want to laugh, but I just can't. I have to get out of here.

"I see you when you are home." Before anyone can stop me I walk out of the room. Avoid my moms hands and make my way down until I stand outside.

Sick and disgusted I lean on my knees. I try to breath but it's getting harder. The panic creeps up until I no longer have a hold on it and lose myself in it. Like a current that keeps pulling me underwater. I can't breath, I can't think. I'm helpless.

I feel sick to my bones and barely make it to some bushes. I surrender and throw up. A shiver runs down my back making me cold. And then I fall to my knees, exhausted. The panicking feeling is like a thunder cloud above me, I can do nothing to stop it.

"Charlie." Fuck. I don't want to look up, to see her worried face, but I have to. I throw my head back, looking her in her eyes.

"I'm fine." I mumble.

"No you are not." I hate it that she sees right through me. "Let me drive you home, I know you don't want to talk about it."

My head lands on my knees. Why is it so damn hard? I know why. I just...

"Charlie, come one, let me take you home."

"Fine." After some more convincing I drag myself back to my car and let her drive me home.

The ride is silent. Until Jay speaks up again. "I'm sorry about what I said to you."

I sigh. "It's fine."

"No it's not, It wasn't fair." She looks at me. "I know it's hard for you, but you have to understand that this isn't easy for me either."

"Jay, it's fine."

"I just want to help you, but you keep pushing me away, that's hard." I sigh again.

"Jay, drop it. I told you that I don't mind." It's a lie. But I can't deal with this right now. I have other thing to think about. Well there are other things my mind thinks about. My mind is still raging with terrifying thought. Thought I don't want to think about. Memories I don't want to recall.

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Jay opens my bedroom door and let me walk inside. "If something is wrong, just call me, I hope I see you tomorrow." I don't look at her, scared that the tears will fall. "Char?"

I'm scared and I don't want to admit it. "Okay."

"It's okay to be upset about Keith." She says carefully.

"I know." I say without much emotion in my voice.

"It's okay to let go for once in a while." She has to stop, she's slowly breaking down my walls and I don't have the strength to build them up again. "It's okay to feel all these emotion's, that's human."

"I know." I can't get anything else out of my mouth.

"Will you be okay?"

I look at my ceiling a single tear rolling down my cheek. No. "I will be." I see how the shadows turn into my nightmares and I feel overwhelmed.

"Are you sure?" No. I'm not.

"I..." I don't know what to say to her. I'm not sure of anything anymore.

"Do you need some time?" When I nod I hear how she breaths in. "Alright, I will leave you alone then, call me." I hear how she moves to my door, I don't want her to go.

"Stay."

"Charlie..." She sounds like she's unsure. "I don't think that's a good idea."

I bite my lip to muffle a cry. "Please." I hate that my voice cracks at the end. And just when I think she's gone. I feel how she presses her body against mine and how she puts her arms around my waist. She makes it so damn hard not to cry.

"It's okay to cry." She softly says. I'm not convinced yet, I feel terrible when I cry. "It really is." She let go of me and pulls me to my bed. "Come here, lay down." I don't want to, I'm so scared that my demons will come to pay me a visit. I know they will when I'm asleep.

"Charlie." She sits up and grabs my hand. "I'm not going anywhere."

Tears are welling up in eyes, daring to spill. "Jay..."

"I promise." She says, looking me in my eyes, telling nothing more than the truth. So I let her pull me on the bed. "Lay your head on my chest." There is nothing to fight about so I obey.

Her finger are caring and warm when they glide through my hair and over my head. "It's all going to be okay." She mutters. "You're safe." When she says those words. I break. I clasp my hand around her shirt, telling her not to let go and then my tears fall. I hear her say it again.

"Shhhh." She lays her head against mine. Her fingers still glide through my hair. "It's okay, you're safe." My tears don't stop and she does nothing to stop it. She just lets me cry. "I'm here."

"Jay." I cling to her likes she's the only thing I care about.

"This is okay, just cry, let it out of your system." I feel how she kisses my head. "I'm not giving up on you Charlie Davis." Those words warm me, but doesn't stop the tears. It doesn't take long before I'm exhausted because of the crying and I'm pulled in a violent dream.

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"Charlie..." Someone shakes me. After some more shaking and pulling I can open my eyes. The sun hurts my eyes, with squeezed eyes I look up at the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. But she seems worries.

"Mmm?"

She looks at my face. "You were talking in your sleep." She says. "I sounded like something bad happened to you." I shoot right up. "Charlie what happened to you?"

"Stop." I say, moving to the edge of the bed.

"Talk to me, stop shutting me out." She sits behind me, laying her arms around me. "I just want to know what happened."

"Don't you understand that's this is hard for me?" I look at her. "I can't fucking breath." I stand and move to my bathroom. As I thought she follows me.

"I know it's hard for you, I've seen it many times. All the panic attacks. I know someone hurted you." She says softly, I close my eyes. "But I can't stand to see you suffer all the time."

I laugh. "I guess that's what I deserve."

"Why?" She looks at me trough the mirror. "Do you really think you deserve all the nightmares, the panic attacks, the loneliness?" I look away. "Charlie look at me." She makes me turn around. She grabs my face, so I look at her. "You deserve so much more."

We stare at each other. She's the first one who said that. "Jay what did you say yesterday when we laid in the grass?"

Her breath hitches in her throat. "I... It was a mistake."

I shake my head at her. "I know I'm broken and I know that you don't trust me and I'm sorry. But I love you, Jay." I look at her, my eyes water again and I hate that so much, but that's what she does to me. She makes me so damn vulnerable.

"I love you." I breath a sigh of relief. Our eyes hold each other. I can't take it anymore, she's my only medicine.

I move forward, press her back against my bathroom door and kiss her. She moans on my lips and kisses me back. I lift her off the ground and open the door so I can let her fall on the bed. I roll on top of her and kiss her again.

Before I continue I pull back. "Wait." I say hoarsely. "I want you to know that I will tell you, I promise." Jay lays her hands on my cheeks.

"Okay." She kisses my lips. "I just want you to kiss me right now." I grin and kiss her again. She let me forget everything. It's just her on my mind. I'm going to tell her. I have to.