Chapter 24

* warnings apply to this chapter

The news had me so shocked that I couldn't even cry. I just sat there, staring at my phone on the ground in horror. How could this happen? Why would he-

"What happened?" Justin wanted to know, concerned by my stunned silence.

"He . . . Vic broke up with me," I breathed, my voice breaking by the end of that declaration. The fact that I spoke those words out loud was what made the tears finally come. It just made it real, and it hurt more than I ever could have imagined. I broke down on my bed, clutching my pillow and sobbing like a baby.

"What the hell? Why would he do that?" Justin wanted to know. He almost sounded like he was pissed off about it.

"He thinks I cheated on him!" I cried, unable to stop sobbing over it. Oh god, this was so ridiculous.

"Did you?" He actually asked me that.

" No! " I said, incredulously. I would never dream of cheating on Vic. He was way too important to me for me to ever throw that away. The very idea of willingly going behind his back-

"Well, what the fuck is his problem, then?" Justin demanded to know.

I didn't answer immediately; I just stayed in bed, clutching my pillow as if my life depended on it. There was no way this was all happening, no way this was all real. I couldn't believe it. What the hell did I do so wrong to deserve all of this? What had I actually ever done to anybody?

"Apparently Mike sent a picture of me with my TA at lunch, thinking I was on a date," I sobbed after a few minutes of silence from Justin.

"So? Vic's fucking blind, what does that mean?" Justin asked.

"I don't know, he sent it to his mom or something and she's probably telling him it looks worse than it actually is . . . I just don't understand why he doesn't believe me," I said, breaking down into sad tears again. It was like I was in a cycle of sad tears and angry tears and I just wanted all of it to stop. I couldn't think about this rationally. If I could have I would have, but everything was quickly slipping away.

"That's fucked up," he said, suddenly standing from his bed and moving to find his coat and his keys. Great, he was leaving me too. The first time I'd really talked to Justin in weeks and he was leaving me already.

"Where are you going?" I asked him. I wasn't exactly sure why, but I was almost afraid to be alone. Being alone was like being reminded that I basically had nothing left without Vic. It was the worse feeling I had ever experienced. As dramatic as it sounded, it was exactly how I felt. Trapped. Alone.

"Don't worry, I won't be gone too long. I'm just- I'm going to make shit up to you, Kellin," he said, firmly. He gave me an indecipherable look before finally leaving. He slammed the door behind him, leaving me in an almost deafening silence. The lack of other people in the room seemed glaring, almost as if being alone in that room meant being alone in the entire world.

I stopped crying for a moment and stared up at the ceiling. I didn't know what to do or what was going on with me any more. Everything was spinning, but at the same time everything felt still and numb. It was a peculiar feeling, to say the least.

I thought about calling Alex and talking to him about what just happened, but I had already bothered him enough today. He was just starting to become a friend to me, and I didn't want to risk losing what I barely had left. He definitely didn't deserve me bringing him down, too.

I mean, everything was so pointless, wasn't it?

I didn't have good grades; I could barely create art in the same way that I used to. I didn't have any real friends, and my boyfriend - my last glimmer of hope - had just dumped me. So what did I even have left? What reason did I even have to keep living? Maybe trying to find that in another person was wrong, but it was all I had- all I could think about.

" I hate everything," I choked out, speaking to no one. I rolled over onto my stomach and pressed my face into my pillow before letting out a long, pained scream. My entire body shook and I felt like I was physically breaking into pieces. It was absolutely horrible.

I really wasn't sure what clicked to make the thoughts in my head turn so dark, but as soon as they did, it was like I was sliding downwards and I couldn't pull myself back up. I hated myself. I really, genuinely hated myself.

I mean I couldn't trust anyone. I made so many mistakes that I felt like I couldn't come back from. No one wanted to deal with me anymore. It even occurred to me that maybe, just maybe, if I had been a little bit stronger I wouldn't have been raped that night. That somehow, that was probably my own fault too.

And then Justin? Justin said he'd be right back, but he had been gone for hours by this point. He said he was trying to help me, but he didn't mean that. He was probably just leaving because he didn't want to be around me anymore. I mean, hell, I didn't want to be around me anymore.

I pulled myself out of bed for a moment and looked around the room. I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to do, but then my eyes fell on a bottle of pills on Justin's desk and it clicked. I remembered that he was

on some pretty hefty painkillers after the accident, but he didn't have to use all of them. And they were just sitting there . . .

As I made my way over to the desk, I didn't even feel like I was the one moving my body. The room just sort of blurred out of my mind. Everything felt so surreal and completely unnatural. I opened the bottle without a second thought and dumped its contents into the palm of my hand.

There were seven large, oblong pills left, and the prescription on the bottle instructed him to only take one a day. I stared at them for a minute, letting them roll against each other in my palm. A moment later I dropped the empty bottle back against the desk and grabbed a bottle of water from my backpack.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes before tossing the pills into my mouth and drinking the bottle of water as fast as I could. I choked on the water as it went down, but finished the bottle and left myself empty-handed.

I didn't feel anything at first. I just sat there quietly, as realization of what I did passed over me. Was this enough to make me die? Was death going to be better than life or not? How was I supposed to know? Either way, I hoped that it couldn't possibly be more painful than everything that was going on.

In a way I felt peaceful, and that peace lasted a little while. It was bittersweet because I knew I had a lot of good memories, but I reminded myself that it was in the past. I wasn't leaving anything or anyone behind. But before long, I started feeling dizzy. My face felt flushed and I wondered if it was the pills finally doing something or if it was something else. And of course, right when I started feeling dizzy, the door swung opened and Mike stumbled in with Justin.

I stared at them with wide eyes, trying to stay grounded in what was going on but god, it was so hard to concentrate. They looked fuzzy from where I was standing, and the first thing to cross my mind was that I didn't want them to yell at me for dying. At least let me die before you bully me for it, dammit!

Justin looked like he'd been in a fight, and Mike was helping him home. Did he talk to Mike? Did Mike know that he ruined everything for me? Did Mike come back to yell at me more? Dammit, the pills needed to hurry the fuck up and get me out of here-

"Fuck, Kellin are you okay?" Mike asked me. I nodded, so they wouldn't know I was trying to kill myself. I thought I was doing a good job of acting normal. I tried standing, but that was a bad idea because as soon as I stood, I collapsed.

I heard Justin shouting my name, but his voice was getting farther and farther away. The entire room was spinning, and I didn't think I could really feel anything anymore.

And then I blacked out completely.