Darkness

Title : Darkness

Description:

I am always afraid, afraid of the future, afraid of the past, afraid of the present, but what I am most afraid is people. The darkness that they kept inside them, the darkness that they tell people as a side off joke, the darkness that is restrained by a thin morality that society have instilled them off. How do I know that? because I have it too.

Content:

'Human is bad.' That is what I always believed and will believe in the future but I also believed 'Human is good' because the duality of a species called human itself.

You know usually the sweet girl that often hangs out with the gang of bad people and when other people saw that they will think, 'ahh… what a sweet girl hanging around those trashes.' But then I realized the scary one is not those guys that acted tough and scare everyone else, no, the scary one is the girl with a nice and sweet appearance tricking people into believing she is a sweet girl when in the reality she is the worst of them all.

I am scared of other people, because just how easily they acted, how easily they put on the mask. The scary thing is I know they are putting a mask… no sometimes I didn't even know if they did or not but no, the scariest thing is that I don't know what's behind the mask and I am scared of just what is hiding behind the mask, is it a sad face that need some comfort? Is it just the same face just with less smile and happiness? Or is it a face that sneered at us while talking and smiling with us?

Once again, human is scary whenever them themselves or the things they made. To me a good fiction is a fiction that would convince me that this fiction could be real, it ensures me the readers that I will be immersed in it with bits of reality mixed in it. To me who cannot live a day without at least reading a chapter of some fiction, it was scary, because I know I will want more, I know that I will be immersed in it, I know that I will believe it, it made me confused of what is real and what is fiction, of course some of them is obvious but my favorite genre, the psychological fiction one, it's hard… it's hard for me to confirm the truthfulness of that 'fact' in that fiction. Most of the time, the only way I can confirm the truthfulness of that 'fact' is trough myself, so I am aware that I have a twisted perception of people.

Sometimes the 'fact' that is not the same as me, I agree of that 'fact' because I grew up with fictional characters more than real characters. They seem so humane, seems so real, that's why I am afraid again because just in the fictional world there is so many hidden darkness that is channeled, the darkness they couldn't achieved burdened by law, ethic, moral, society and such.

So I decide to look away, away from the fact people is wearing mask, away from the possible darkness inside each people including mine, I decide to try to treat people as earnestly as possible, the people I like, I like, the people I didn't like, I showed that I didn't like them… slightly at least.

All the reasons used in the fiction for the horrible things they do, I could understand. Cheating? For fun. Killing People? Fame. Raping Others? Pleasure. Breaking People? Just a job. Killing People again? Suspicion. Making other people suffer? Fetish. Netorare? Hobby, Fetish & Pleasure. Making people suffer more? Bored. I believe that for that individuals from species called Human, Humanity is able to do all of those things.

Perhaps because I choose to looked away from all of this that I could easily trust people, even a scammer managed to scam me because I trusted him, luckily my seatmate took notice of that and helped me. Yes, just as I believed the darkness, I believe in the light inside humanity too

Still my eyes was focused on the darkness inside humans, I think there is a sentence for this 'Do 1000 goods, you will be praised but do 1 bad, all the good will be forgotten and people will only remember that I bad thing you do.'

Even if I subconsciously and consciously choose to look away from the darkness, I am always aware of it. That's why I didn't pursue crowds and other people presence when I am happy being inside one, happy talking with people, happy listening to them.

Even so I felt lonely, perhaps that why I seek fictional characters to be with me, to tell me their story.

I may be afraid of other but what I am afraid the most is myself, not because the dark fantasy I had inside my head or the murderous impulses I occasionally had, no what I am afraid is me being positive, even if it made me happy for that moment it is also the thing that will bring me down.

If I am not expecting anything from someone else, I won't be betrayed. If I am not expecting anything from someone else, I won't be sad. If I am not expecting anything from someone else, I won't be depressed, mulling over just what I have done wrong, where, what I can do to improve that. If only I cannot expect anything from someone else, then… will I be happy, not being hurt. Of course I already know very well the what the answer is 'I won't be happy' but still I asked more and more even if the answer is the same, because such is the nature of humanity.