Wanting you and not having you

As the lecture wraps up, I pack up everything quickly and shrug on my coat intent on not talking to them. I'm packed before the end and just waiting for the lecturer to shut up.

Jay eyes me and smirks. Dick. I've either got to walk past him on my left or Ross on my right to get out. Why was the seat in between them empty?

"Psst talk to me after?" Jay whispers

I ignore him. I want to cry. I don't know why exactly. Ross isn't mine. He never really was. Why does it feel like betrayal?

The lecture ends. I pick up my bag looking at the floor, I will not make eye contact with him.

"Talk to me please" Ross says softly before moving out of my way.

He's not mine I have no right to shout at him. And I will not cry in here.

I look at him in his eyes briefly. He's searching mine.

I look away because I can feel my eyes watering.

"About what? Do whatever you want" I say and walk off.

I don't look behind me. At all. I march my way out all the way to dance. I go straight into the changing rooms and text Matty asking if I can meet him by the car after lunch. I'm going to the gym straight after dance then I'll go home.

He texts back straight away, that he'll bring me something from the canteen. I tell him I love him then change for dance.

Dance flies by we are practising in the open stage area. It's good doing something physical, it really stops me thinking about this new revelation. It almost stops me from seeing Jen's face in my minds eye smirking and telling me she's fucked every guy I've been close to countless times. I hate her. With a passion.

Near the end of practice Ross appears and sits on one of the seats at the back. I blank him out. Not my man and not my problem I tell myself.

I stretch off at the end on the barre before walking towards Ross and the door I want to run out of.

He eyes me cautiously. I try to just walk out but he takes my hand and slightly pulls me back in.

"What?" I say pissed off. Why come here if you're not even sure what to say?

"I'm sorry" he tells me.

"Ross you can get with whoever you like. It's not up to me." I take a step back from him. I will not allow him near me. I feel so angry that it's her, Rachel would have been fine. But Jen, he can do better. He should know better.

"No I'm sorry. I just know you have a history with her," he begins.

"A history? You mean she tried to humiliate me at every chance she could get, she ridiculed me in front of everyone. She's a waste of space" I tell him and he pulls his hand through his hair.

"It's not anything Tay. She just was there" he says and I'm done. I feel so angry and let down.

"How many times was she just there?" I ask him it's not my business really, somehow it's different if he got with her like once. I briefly think about how we've never even had sex.

"I dunno, I haven't been counting times, I guess about 9 or 10 times" he admits.

I must look completely abashed.

"Well when then was the first time?" I ask, if it was anywhere near the party then I might just slap him.

"It was around 5 days maybe a week after what happened " he says and looks away.

"What the actual fuck. You literally told me at the party that she was a bitch. You were there, Ross and you comforted me after she... " I say feeling sick. I pull my arms around my waist, I'm just wearing my leotard and tights and I feel exposed and insecure.

"I know I'm sorry. I'm trying to be honest." He says looking at me earnestly.

"So that's why you didn't really invite me anywhere after all that shit happened" I say realising.

"'No I wanted to give you some space. And for me and for Jen it's not anything apart from... I just needed to feel something, look I fucking love you and you're with my best friend despite everything. I see you with him, and I always wish it were me and you." he says.

"Please do not say you love me for the first time ever like this and do not use me to justify having casual sex with Jen. Jen of all people ?! Why her? She's horrible you told me yourself she's a bitch" I say and I'm crying. Why am I crying?

He delicately wipes my tears away.

"Because I don't feel anything for her, I can't for anybody apart from you. I think about you all the time. I want to message you all the time, I want to hug you all the time. I want to see you smile and be the person that makes you smile." he tells me.

"I'm going to the gym now" I say and move away from him.

He catches my hand and I need to run. Away from him.

"Taylor. Please." He says pulling me to him.

"What? You want me to tell you that I'm happy for you and that I give you my blessing. I can't, I hate her she's a truly awful person and you could do better. What do you want from me, Ross?" I ask.

"I want you, I want you all the time. To myself. We were supposed to be together, Tay" he says and is shocked at himself for saying it out loud.

"Do you know how hard it is to fall for somebody whilst they're falling for your best friend. And now the one girl I am in love with is with somebody else." He admits.

I carefully watch him, he's genuine. He's searching my expression holding onto me. I need to put distance between us. His arms are around my waist and he's too familiar.

"Why didn't you see me after it all happened" he asks. Before university Jen publicly humiliated me with the intent of hurting me and my relationship. Early on before we were dating Matty had said he could just win me over Ross. And Jen made it into a bet. Ross explicitly said he wouldn't compete. After we had been together for some time Jen broke it to me not so nicely in front of everybody at a party. She really enjoyed seeing me break, and now I pretend she does not exist.

"Because I knew you would be at some party and she would be there, do you really think I wanted to hang around her? After she just did what she did. I would have seen you if you would have invited me to anything other than a house party. Plus it seems you were busy" I tell him.

"I hate her okay, I've never hated anybody ever. I hate her so much for making me feel like a worthless piece of shit in front of everybody. And now you're with her so" I say.

"I think maybe it's best we don't talk" I've got to push him out. He's holding me and trying to comfort me, and all I can see in my head is Jen kissing him and touching him.

I step away.

"Firstly I'm not with her. And secondly are you not hearing me ? I love you" he says.

"Nope Ross you don't. Because you wouldn't just get with her if you did" I tell him. I can't get it out of my head, I just keep seeing her and him.

"Can you just once, just one time tell me how you feel about me? I've never ever heard you tell me you even like me Tay" he asks.

"Not right now I can't give you that because I'm really fucking angry with you" I retort.

"So you love me but you're pissed off?" he asks me.

"Please, I'm begging you to be direct with me, because I'm losing my shit over you. Seeing you every day. Wanting you and not having you. Seeing you smile at me when you see me. I just need to hear you say it. If you don't feel anything then that's fine, but I need to know if I'm going crazy. Please just do me that one favour. Either way it will put me out of my misery." He says.

I stare at him.

"I do care for you and love you but what does that change?" I say.

"It changes everything it means I'm not imagining how you feel about me. I should have been more there for you after that night" he says.

"If I had I dunno? It just feels like I have the wrong timing all the time. Like I want things to go my way and they just don't" he starts.

I sit on one of the chairs. It's cold, I've cooled down from practice and I'm just in my dance gear.

I pull my hair out of its ponytail. He tries not to stare at my leotard, he really tries and I can see him telling himself now is not the time. I consider for a minute whilst he sits down next to me. I look over at him his gorgeous blonde hair and kind face. His broad shoulders in his t shirt and leather jacket. Now though when I look at him I can see her, all over him.

"I don't want to lose you ever. And I've convinced myself that's selfish. I know I can't have it both ways but I felt so betrayed when Jay told me. And then I thought well why should I? You're not mine." I say.

"I could be" he faces me.

"I thought why Jen, you know how much she hurt me. And then I thought well is it just that? Am I pissed that it's her or that you're with somebody anybody other than me" I admit.

"And now I realise it's a bit of both" I say.

I see the hope in his eyes and I feel terrible.

"Okay that makes sense. I can wait for you Taylor, I can wait for you to decide what you want. I am willing to do that for you." He begins hand on my thigh.

"That's not fair on anybody and even if I want that more than anything it's not fair for me to ask that of you. I also really don't have a right to tell you who you can or can't see. So please don't stop on my account. Just know I will not be hanging around her or at any freshers where she might be"

"Okay, I don't give a fuck about fairness. I don't care about you using me or not being fair. I will like you anyways, I only care about you and what I can do to make you see that you're supposed to be with me." he says.

"But you're gonna need to speak up if there's no feeling there on your behalf." He says.

He smiles at me when I say nothing.

I stand up, I can't promise him anything and I cannot be that person for him. I love him, but I also love Matty. I feel like a horrible, greedy bitch that does not deserve anybody.

He stands up in front of me, he quickly pulls me into a hug, one of his bear hugs before I can protest. His frame is so big and muscular, he wraps his arms around me. He pulls me in and it feels different. Less tension than there has been between us since we began being friends. Like he's found a new resolve. I pull away and as I do he kisses my forehead.