All day and all night long

When we get out it's snowing. She turns to face me her eyes light up. It's adorable. I smile at her and put my arm around her.

Her phone goes off and she pulls it out.

She answers it.

"Yeah I'll be careful, I'll drive at like 10?" She says.

He's talking to her down the phone.

"Just will take longer. Okay 15 then. But I'll do that. See you soon, want anything?" She asks him.

"Okay love you". God I'm so fucking jealous.

She smiles and hangs up.

"Sure you're going to be okay?" I ask looking down at her. I stare into her eyes.

She nods and I walk her to the car. She opens it up and dumps her bag in. I'm reassured when she's driving Matty's 4x4 she will have no problem with those tyres.

I'm surprised that she turns back to me before getting into the car, she puts her arms around my neck tiptoeing to reach me. She holds me for a long time. A lot longer than normal and I put my arms around her waist. Her head is buried in my neck and I can feel her tears. I just hold onto her I lose myself to her when she's this close to me. My hands massage her back and I want to feel her skin.

"Shh Tay, it's okay we're still friends" I whisper.

Lord I wish I could show you just how much I love you.

"Sorry it's my fault I shouldn't have said any of that" I tell her. I need to tell you everything I think.

She lifts her head slightly.

"I can't do any of this anymore" she says. My heart plummets, I'm sinking.

"I promise you it's all good" I say pulling her to face me.

"Look I won't even mention it again. We can just go back to normal" I tell her desperately.

Please keep me in your life. I will beg her if I have too. It sounds very much like she's telling me goodbye. I can't cry I've got to play it down.

She's just quietly holding on to me. Her hands move from my neck down my back. She kisses my neck lightly. Now I'm just confused. I want her physically, emotionally and in all the ways you can be tied to a woman. She's giving me crazy mixed messages. She's kissing me and telling me she doesn't want me at the same time.

"I ugh should go" she says. You don't want to leave me right? I need to take you home.

"Okay." I tell her softly feeling anything but.

She puts her head back on my chest.

"It will all be fine" I tell her my thumb going up and down her back.

"I'm sorry that I can't be the right person for you right now" she tells me.

I feel like such a stupid dickhead. Of course that's how it's made her feel. I get it now. She does love me, but she feels like she can't love me and that is why she won't say a thing. Relief washes over me and I feel some glimmer of hope. Something makes me feel like this could eventually work. If I try very fucking hard and providing I'm patient.

"I love you" I tell her. And I am sure her body pulls me in tighter. I'm not imagining it. I pull her into me feeling her body on mine. So close, I'm breathing in the sweet scent of her hair. I almost go in for a kiss, that is what I would naturally do.

Instead though I kiss her forehead. Time to let her leave. I always feel like protesting and asking her to stay with me. But I know that will do no good.

"Now don't be a lemon and crash Matty's car on the way home. And more importantly make sure you are safe" I tell her. I brush her face with my hand, tucking her hair back.

She wipes her eyes. I look into them, I could stare into her eyes all day and all night long. I feel much more confident and secure with the whole situation.

"I won't crash and I'll text you when I'm back" she tells me. After giving me one last hug she gets in the car and drives away.

I'm left staring after her. There is a whole lot to unpack from that afternoon.

I walk over to my bike, put on my helmet and drive home in the snow. I go slower than normal because the ground is slippery. I'm thinking of her, whenever I see her it just resurfaces how I feel about her. Not that it ever leaves me completely but seeing her intensifies so many things for me.

Briefly I think of how I should have invited her out like that before. Way before when I first met her. I didn't think anybody else was into her then. How wrong I was. The thing is she just gets better looking, like she's growing up and becoming the most beautiful young women I have ever met.

I texted Rach to let her know I would pop by and see her so I'm going to head there before home. Fucking Jay. I feel like I'm trying to hold everything together for everybody else, and he just goes about doing as he pleases no thought about the outcome.

Good dependable Ross will fix it for everybody. Sorry I can't be the right person for you, that line. Keeps repeating in my head, over and over. What does she mean? Ever? She did say right now though. Perhaps that means she wants to be with me but can't? Ugh I don't fucking know anymore. I'll just keep placing my chips down where I want them and see if she goes for me.

My bikes not liking this road, the snow and the visibility is shit. I do the opposite of what I should do and speed up to just try and get to my destination. I'm so fucked off with how everything is, why cant I just be with her? Why can't things just happen for me?

My bike is buckling a little I try to slow it down just a touch and I must have hit something on the ground or perhaps it's ice I think to myself. Either way my back wheel is spinning out. I briefly thank myself for travelling on a quiet road rather than the high road. There is no incoming traffic and I'm left to just spin out of control. Maybe I should have been gentler on the brakes. Slow and steady would have done the trick and I would not be falling off of my bike onto the pavement.

I hit my head luckily my helmet takes most of the impact. Still though I know I'm going to black out. I'm blinking looking up at the snow falling over me. I should try and reach my phone and call someone for help but I can't process what my brain is telling me quick enough in order to act upon it. Before I know it the white snow disappears and I black out.