I Still See Your Face

"A shadow in an empty doorway... Call your name but no reply

I still see your face... but there's no trace"

Kill the Pain - Accept

*

When did life begin for him? When he was born or when he learned about pain? "When?" the man thought, but he couldn't find the answer.

Sitting on one of the benches in the circus arena of the Great Western Kingdom, he stared at the kitten sleeping on his shoe. He wanted to smile or pet the sweet creature, but he couldn't move his body. He continued to watch the kitten, squinting his brows and blue eyes.

When the kitten finally woke up and yawned away from him, he got up from the bench and started walking around the circus arena. On his way to the fight field, he passed a sword-swallowing juggler and a magician pulling pigeons out of his hat. None of them surprised him, after all, everything in this life was an illusion, even his own life.

When he entered the tent with the big and dangerous people at the end of the circus area, those who saw him averted their eyes from him. He was used to these looks. No one who knew him would look at him for more than 3 seconds.

When he reached the dimly lit preparation area at the very end of the tent, he looked carefully at the full-length mirror in front of him. His blue eyes were stern, that was his natural look. He always looked that way, even though he wasn't angry. He raised his large, calloused hand to touch his short-cropped blond hair. When he was little, his mother said he looked like a prince with his bright blonde hair, but as he got older he realized he looked more like a criminal than a prince. He smiled crookedly, missing his mother, but she was far away now. "Princes are admired," he said, still looking in the mirror. "You were wrong, mother. Everyone is afraid of your son."

He sat on the small stool next to the mirror and wrapped the bandages he had brought with him around his hands. He pressed his face into his palms, stifling his own breath. He had already let go of the chaos inside him. He had had enough of the chaos around him. He remembered his peaceful little home away from the chaos. A memory flashed before his eyes.

Sunny sky, floating pieces of land, a lush green plain, small houses on the plain with considerable distances, and a small child admiring the house he lives in. He wanted to go back to that moment, realizing that he had forgotten his mother's voice calling out to him smiling through the kitchen window. There was a movement in his heart, it was a small thing. Still, it didn't hurt.

He stood up slowly when he heard his name from the fighting ring inside the tent. When he started to walk confidently towards the ring, the people who saw him made a great noise. He wiped his nose to the side, very angry. For him, the only way to control his anger and earn money at the same time was to fight. He had to fight, he would fight as long as the people of this city were slaves of chaos and violence. He was going to use his power because it was the only way for him not to think.

The fight has begun. And again, he won.

After getting his fight money and putting on new clothes, he rushed out of the tent to go to the flower-filled area in the forest, where he usually goes to clear his head. He didn't look anyone in the face until he left the circus arena, his eyes focused only on the forward. He thought of the forest and the silence, where no one could disturb him. There were no violent people in the forest, he could breathe a sigh of relief.

When he arrived at the place where he always went to rest, he froze in place without taking a new step. A woman was lying on the ground. The wind blew hard, the flowers and grass moved, and a raven passed over her, but she continued to sleep.

He believed that this fearless and worry-free woman should be awakened from the middle of the forest. The closer he got to the woman, the more confused he was, because the person sleeping on the floor was none other than Princess Neva. It was the first time he had seen the princess up close. Her white hair, spread over the grass and flowers, was beautiful, and he was sure that he had never seen a woman as beautiful as her in this time of his life. The woman looked like an angel. Her white eyelashes were so long that he hesitated and reached his fingers to her eyes, he wanted to touch the beauty he had never seen before, but he froze just as his fingers touched the princess's eyelashes. "What do you think you're doing?" he said to himself. "You have no right to touch her."

"Hey! Ma'am! Wake up." When she opened her eyes with a startle, she stood up in fear because of the man she saw in front of her and looked around. It was dark. Seeing that she was frightened, the man stepped back and sat on the grass, tilting his head to the side and grinning. "Don't worry. I haven't even touched you."

"Who are you?" said the princess, leaning against the tree behind her.

"I'm like everyone else." said the man, looking into her gray eyes. "I am a human." She froze at the unexpected answer and studied the man.

"I have to go," said the princess as she gathered her things. The blond man calmly watched her pack her things and stand up.

"Goodbye, Princess," he said, looking beyond the forest. She froze.

"Goodbye, Human." The man squinted his eyes as he stared into the forest, smiling.

When the princess disappeared, the man sat down where she slept and leaned back against the tree. He was sure it belonged to the princess when a soft wind blew and brought a heavenly scent to his nostrils. He leaned his head back, closed his eyes, and turned his face to the dark sky, smiling. "No…" he said to himself. "You can not do this to me."