shrek

Shrek: Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison; but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower. For her true love and true love's first kiss.

(Shrek chuckles and rips out a page of the book and closes it. Well, that's okay!)

Shrek: Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of -!! (toilet flushes)

("All Star" by Smash Mouth Playing)

(We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Out steps Shrek, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot of the page still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the swamp he calls home, and goes about his daily routine. Which is taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign)

(In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go after Shrek. At night they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek's warning signs. It's fun to use our imagination, Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The villagers stop outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them) Villager 1: Think it's in there?

Villager 2: All right. Let's get it!

Villager 1: Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you?

Villager 3: Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread.

(Shrek chuckles, revealing himself to be standing behind the mob)

Shrek: Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant.

(The mob gasps)

Shrek: Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin...

(Shrek slowly approaches as the villagers back away in fear)

Villager: No!

Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Villager 1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

(The villager waves his torch in Shrek's face. Shrek casually licks his fingers and pinches the flame, extinguishing the torch. The villager drops it)

Villager 1: Right.

(Shrek terrifies the mob with a great frightening roar, his spit extinguishing all the remaining torches. He wipes his mouth and waits for the villagers to stop screaming)

Shrek: (whispering) This is the part where you run away.

Villagers: (gasping)

(Shrek laughs as the men drop their torches and pitchforks and run away as fast they can)

Shrek: And stay out!

(He looks down and picks up a wanted poster dropped by one of the villagers. He reads it aloud)

SHREK: "Wanted. Fairytale creatures"?

(He sighs and walks off. dropping the poster to the ground)

Guard: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!

The Captain: Next!

Guard: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over! (breaks the broom in half)

The Captain: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next!

(The captain hands over the reward to the villager who turned the witch in. The villager mutters to himself)

Villager: Lousy 20 pieces.

Guard: Get up! Come on!

(Waiting in line is Donkey on a leash and his owner. He looks in horror at the witch and a group of dwarves being loaded into a wagon)

Guard: Sit down there! Keep quiet!

Mama Bear and Papa Bear are locked inside giant cages, with Little Bear in his own cage

Little Bear: (crying) This cage is too small.

Donkey: (To his owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance!

Old Woman: Oh, shut up. (smacks Donkey)

The Captain: Next! What have you got?

Geppetto: This little wooden puppet.

Pinocchio: I'm not a puppet, I'm a real boy. (his nose grows)

The Captain: 5 shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Pinocchio: Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me!

(Geppetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table)

The Captain: Next! What have you got?

Old Woman: Well, I've got a talking donkey.

The Captain: Right. Well, that's good for 10 shillings. If you can prove it.

Old Woman: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey stays silent)

The Captain: Well?

Old Woman: Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (Smacks Donkey again) Talk, you boneheaded dolt, talk!

The Captain: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

Old Woman: No, no, he talks! He does. (Moving Donkey's lips) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talking-est damn thing you ever saw.

The Captain: Get her out of my sight.

Old Woman: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!

(The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and starts floating upwards)

Donkey: Hey! I can fly!

Peter Pan: He can fly!

3 Little Pigs: He can fly!

The Captain: He can talk!?

Donkey: Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (The pixie dust's effects begin to wear off) Uh-oh. (He drops out of the air and hits the ground with a thud)

The Captain: Seize him!

(Donkey dodges the guards as they try to grab him and runs deeper into the forest)

Guards: After him! He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn!

(Donkey escapes deeper into the forest and runs head first into Shrek's backside. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him and glares down at Donkey. Donkey looks scared of Shrek for a moment, but he quickly hides behind him after seeing that the guards have caught up to him)

The Captain: You there! Ogre!

Shrek: Aye?

The Captain: By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and...(Shrek slowly approaches the group of guards, the guards visibly frightened by him) transport you to... a designated...resettlement...facility?

Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? (smiles)

(The Captain looks behind himself and sees that all the other guards have abandoned him. The Captain tucks tail and runs off. Shrek shakes his head and starts walking back to his swamp. Donkey, impressed by Shrek, follows him)

Donkey: Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!

Shrek: Are you talking to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him) Whoa!

Donkey: Yes. I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.

Shrek: (annoyed) Oh, that's great. Really.

Donkey: Man, it's good to be free.

Shrek: Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

Donkey: But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.

(Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before loudly roaring in his face)

Donkey: Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tac or something, 'cause your breath stinks!

(Shrek walks off. Donkey reappears ahead of him, dangling from a felled log)

Donkey: Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk. Shrek removes his hand) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day.

Shrek: Why are you following me?

Donkey: I'll tell you why. (drops from the log. Singing) "'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have friends..."

Shrek: Stop singing! (picks up Donkey by his ears and tail) Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends! (drops him)

Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?

Donkey: (looks all the way up at Shrek, friendly hug?) Uh...really tall?

Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!!". Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey: (shakes his head) Nope.

Shrek: (surprised) Really?

Donkey: Really, really.

Shrek: (taken aback) Oh.

Donkey: Man, I like you. What's your name?

Shrek: Uh, Shrek.

Donkey: Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of "I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me" thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You're all right. (they come over a hill overlooking Shrek's swamp) Woo, look at that! Who'd want to live in place like that?

Shrek: (annoyed) That would be my home.

Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (looks at Shrek's "keep out" signs) I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?

Shrek: I like my privacy.

Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint and they won't leave. And there's that big awkward silence you know? (awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

Shrek: Uh, what?

Donkey: Can I stay with you, please?

Shrek: (sarcastically) Of course!

Donkey: Really?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (Donkey pushes Shrek up against the door) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

Shrek: Okay. Because one night only.

Donkey: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the hut)

Shrek: Ah! What are you...no! (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No!

Donkey: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles.

Shrek: (growls in frustration)

Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek: (irritated) Outside!

Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door, shutting Donkey outside) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me...

SHREK'S HOME - NIGHT

(Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits down, lights a candle made out of his own earwax, and begins eating. Donkey looks inside from a window, and then lays down by the front door. Shrek is about to take a bite when he hears a creaking noise. He stands up with a huff)

Shrek: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside!

Donkey: (from the window) I am outside!

(Shrek hears a noise from inside and turns to find the source. He sees several shadows moving and looks around. He sees the 3 Blind Mice on his table)

Mouse 1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?

Mouse 2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

Gorder: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

Shrek: Got ya. (grabs Gorder, but he escapes and lands on his shoulder)

Gorder: I found some cheese. (bites into Shrek's ear)

Shrek: Ow! (tries to grab him)

Gorder: Blah! Awful stuff. (jumps down to the table)

Blind Mouse: Is that you, Gorder?

Gorder: How did you know?

Shrek: Enough! (he grabs all 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice) Hey!

(Shrek turns around and sees that the 7 Dwarves have put Snow White, sleeping in her glass coffin, on the table) Shrek: Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table! (pushes the coffin away)

Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken.

Shrek: (confused) Huh?

(Shrek walks over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is laying in the bed)

Big Bad Wolf: What?

(Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door)

Shrek: I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy?

(He opens the front door and throws Big Bad Wolf out. He sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp)

Shrek: Oh, no. Oh, no. No! No! (he dodges out the way of a group of witches flying on broomsticks)

(Papa Bear and Little Bear sit around the fire, the Pied Piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land)

Shrek: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?!!

(Shrek's voice echoes throughout the camp and everyone falls silent. Gasps are heard all around. The 3 Good Fairies hide inside a tent)

Shrek: All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey!

Dwarves: Quickly. Come on!

(More dwarves run inside the house and shut the door behind them)

Shrek: No, no! No, no. Not there! Not there!

(Shrek fiddles with the door handle, unable to open the door. He gives Donkey an annoyed look)

Donkey: Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them.

Pinocchio: Well gosh, no one invited us.

Shrek: What?!

Pinocchio: We were forced to come here!

Shrek: By who?!

Little Pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice.

Shrek: (sighs) Alright. Who knows where this... "Farquaad" guy is?

(The crowd gasps at the mention of Lord Farquaad. No one answers)

Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is!

Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him?

(Little Bear raises his hand but Papa Bear quickly puts his hand down. Big Bad Wolf and a wizard point at each other)

Shrek: Anyone at all?

Donkey: Me! Me!

Shrek: Anyone?

Donkey: (jumping up and down) Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me!

Shrek: Huh! Okay, fine. Attention all...fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

(After a brief silence, the crowd erupts into cheering and applause. This was not Shrek's intention. A group of birds drapes a cloak made of flowers around Shrek's shoulders, much to his annoyance)

Shrek: Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're coming with me.

(Shrek brushes the cloak onto the ground, while the birds come back to place a wreath of flowers on Donkey's head. They make their through the crowd)

Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, 2 stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it!

Donkey: (singing) "On the road again...", sing it with me, Shrek!

(as they walk away from the crowd Shrek grabs the torch from a dwarf cheering them on, who refuses to let go. Shrek shakes the torch until the dwarf falls into a pond)

Donkey: "I can't wait to get on the road again."

Shrek: What did I say about singing? (yanks the wreath off Donkey's head)

Donkey: Can I whistle?

Shrek: No.

Donkey: Well, can I hum it?

Shrek: (annoyed) All right, hum it.

(Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. The pair walk off into the night with Shrek's torch lighting the way)

DULOC - DUNGEON

A masked man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown walking down the hallway towards a set of doors. As he is let into the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally short. The masked man is dunking what looks to be a small person into the glass of milk)

Lord Farquaad: (stepping forward) That's enough. He's ready to talk.

Gingy is pulled out of the milk by Thelonious and is slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Lord Farquaad laughs evilly as he walks over to the table. When he reaches the table we see that he is too short to see above it. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

Lord Farquaad: (he picks up the Gingy's severed legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

Gingy: You're a monster!

Lord Farquaad: I'm not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world (crumbles his other leg into dust) Now, tell me! Where are the others?!

Gingy: Eat me! (spits in Lord Farquaad's left eye)

Lord Farquaad: Ugh! I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he grabs one of Gingy's gumdrop buttons)

Gingy: No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!

Lord Farquaad: All right then. Who's hiding them?

Gingy: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Lord Farquaad: The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man.

Lord Farquaad: Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingy: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

Lord Farquaad: (Shocked) The muffin man?

Gingy: The muffin man!

Lord Farquaad: She's married to the muffin man.

(A door opens and the Captain of the Duloc Guards steps in)

The Captain: My lord! We've found it.

Lord Farquaad: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!

(More guards enter carrying an object covered by a sheet. They mount it on the wall and the Captain removes the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. Everyone stands in awe)

Gingy: Ohhhh...

Lord Farquaad: Magic mirror...

Gingy: Don't tell him anything! (Lord Farquaad smacks him off the table and into a trash can) No!

Lord Farquaad: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

Magic Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king.

Lord Farquaad: Uh, Thelonious? (Thelonious holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist as a threat to the Magic Mirror) You were saying?

Magic Mirror: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

Lord Farquaad: Go on.

Magic Mirror: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And...here they are!

(Bouncy gameshow music begins to play. Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror reveals three shadowy portraits of princesses. Lord Farquaad seems confused but watches on silently)

Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number 1 is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her 2 evil sisters. Please welcome...Cinderella!

(An image of Cinderella doing housework flips to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Lord Farquaad looks at her approvingly and the Captain claps)

Magic Mirror: Bachelorette number 2 is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with 7 other men, she's not easy.

(An image of the 7 Dwarves flashes on the screen. The guards laugh at the Mirror's joke)

Magic Mirror: Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on, give it up for Snow White!

(The mirror shows a portrait of Snow White in her slumber. Lord Farquaad seems even more pleased, and everyone else claps this time)

Magic Mirror: And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number 3 is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!

(The mirror shows an image of a giant dragon besides a tower and then of a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shines on the screen and Lord Farquaad covers his eyes. This doesn't seem to deter his interest)

Magic Mirror: But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!

(The mirror shows a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the window of her tower. Once again everyone else claps)

Magic Mirror: So, will it be: bachelorette number 1, bachelorette number 2, or bachelorette number 3?

(The mirrors flips through each princesses' portrait. The guards shout out different numbers while Lord Farquaad frantically tries to decide)

Guards: 2! 2! 3! 3! 2! 2! 3!

Lord Farquaad: (to himself) 2? 3? 1? 3?

Thelonius: 3! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number 3, my lord!

Lord Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh... number 3!

Magic Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

(Wild applause erupts from the guards. Lord Farquaad is captivated by the portrait of Fiona)

Lord Farquaad: Princess...Fiona...she's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...

Magic Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

(Lord Farquaad doesn't listen to the mirror at all, too busy formulating a plan)

Lord Farquaad: I'll do it.

Magic Mirror: Yes, but after sunset...

Lord Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament! (grins evilly)Shrek and Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc parking lot)

Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

(The 2 gaze up at Duloc Castle, a building that towers over the rest of the kingdom)

Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place.

Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

(Shrek laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot)

Donkey: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry!

(A man and woman run through the castle's entrance. In front of the gate is a series of ropes hung in a maze for crowd control. A mascot wearing a giant head resembling Lord Farquaad stands at the end of the line. Shrek and Donkey exchange looks)

Shrek: Hey, you!

(The mascot screams at the sight of Shrek and begins running through the roped path to get to the front gate)

Shrek: Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just-- I just --

(Shrek sighs in frustration and then begins pushing his way through the ropes. The mascot runs into a wall and knocks himself out. Shrek pushes through the entrance's turnstile, but Donkey gets caught in it and lands on the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly smiles and Shrek sighs in annoyance) Shrek and Donkey look around the square, which is deserted. The trees and grass are neatly cut and the rows of houses all looked exactly the same. Chirpy music quietly plays from a set of loudspeakers)

Shrek: It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

Donkey: Hey, look at this!

(Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing)

Wooden People: (SINGING) Welcome to Duloc, such a perfect town / Here we have some rules let us lay them down / Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... face / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is a perfect place.

(Suddenly a camera takes Shrek and Donkey's picture, both of which are dumbfounded)

Donkey: Wow! Let's do that again!

(Donkey makes ready to run over and pull the lever again but Shrek quickly grabs him by the tail)

Shrek: No! No! No, no, no! (whispers) No.

(They hear a trumpet fanfare from afar and head over to investigate. A voice sounds from the distance)

Lord Farquaad: Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest.

(As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena, Donkey hums the Duloc theme song)

Shrek: All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Donkey: Sorry about that.