Bibimbap

I picked out a bunch of clothes, dropping them onto my bed so I could just get a bag and stuff them all in quickly without wasting so much time. After a good 10 minutes, I couldn’t get my mother out of my head. I had questions burning holes in my head and I had to go ask them.

“Could you help me? I just need to go ask my mother something.” Kaji voluntarily picked up a bag and began putting the clothes inside.

“Mum, did you – did you refill your prescriptions?” I came to stand beside her, watching her make her favourite stew for Joonie.

“Well, I was going to, but Joonie said I was doing so well without it that maybe I should stay off it. Don’t you think? Don’t you think I’m doing well?” Her hopeful, childlike eyes were staring into mine and how could I possibly disagree. According to my mother they were just some anti-depressants and mood regulators, but when she took them, she was a different person. She was together. She was strict. She was my mum. The mum I had when I was little.

“Yeah, yeah mum you’re doing great. I was just wondering.” I smiled. I watched her for another second, blissfully living in her own world and I suppose if she was happy, there was nothing to complain about. I turned around, heading back for my room.

“Joonie was upset you didn’t return with those groceries.” I chuckled, stopping for a split second.

“Oh, well apologise to him for me, I was only arrested and held overnight.” I shook my head as Kaji looked up at me from across the door. He seemed surprised, but I couldn’t tell by what. My mother? Or had I just startled him by shouting for my mother to hear.

“Don’t do that.” I heard her say, which made me venture back into the kitchen.

“Don’t do what mum? I’m not doing anything. I will apologise to him whenever I see him next.” I tried to reassure her, trying to refrain from any more sarcasm. I had accepted a long time ago that Joon was more important to her than I was. It was probably the reason I felt so isolated.

“How is Joonho doing? I haven’t seen him since he was a baby.” My eyes shot up to the back of her head. I stared blankly, trying to catch up with what my mind was trying to figure out and why this sentence seemed so absurd.

“What?”

“Joonho. How is he doing? Is he well?” She turned around to look at me. For the first time she was willingly listening. Waiting for my answer.

“No, I heard you. What do you mean you haven’t seen him since he was a baby? When did you see him?”

“He was still tiny when I last saw him. Maybe three, four.” Three or four?! My hand travelled up to my chest as a stabbing pain began to travel through my heart.

“Hold on. You - you knew about Joonho? You knew I had a brother and chose not to tell me?” I couldn’t be angry. I was too astonished to feel anything but shock. How could she had hidden this from me for all these years? I couldn’t comprehend what she was telling me.

“Well, I was going to tell you about it when your father died, but there was never a good time to bring it up.” When my father died?!

“What are you talking about mum? We were still in Korea when he was murdered and you knew all along and you knew Joonho would find out about me and you could have arranged something, anything or you could have told me, and I would have done it myself. What were you thinking?” My tone changed within every word, and I could feel the lump of coal form in my throat. How could she do this to me?

“I was thinking… I was thinking that your father was a good for nothing, waste of my youth and that he deserved what he got. Telling you would have just upset you and I didn’t want to ruin our ambiance in the apartment, you know how sensitive Joonie is.”

“How sensitive Joonie is?” I chuckle, unable to do much else. I looked up to our, cream, steam spot covered ceiling, trying to stop the tears from running down my face. She didn’t deserve to see me fall apart. “God forbid Joonie gets upset.” I was furious. My face and body were on fire, and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I had never been happier with the decision I made to stay with my brothers.

Our arguing had peaked Kaji’s interest and he was standing around the corner, leaning onto the wall and observing our fight.

“You always do this when we have company.” She gestured to Kaji standing a couple of steps away from us.

“He’s my company what do you care?! I’m not embarrassing you!” I screamed so loud my throat was hurting. I had never felt so much resentment towards someone, not even my father.

“You’re right. You’re embarrassing yourself, in front of your own company.” We stared at each other for as long as it took for my eyes to fill with tears.

“Let’s go.” I stormed back into my room and grabbed two bags that were full and Kaji carried another one. I was too angry to care what I had and what I didn’t have. Fury had painted everything in red and I wasn’t even sure where I was going anymore. I felt like I was going to collapse if I didn’t leave that apartment soon enough.

“Min-sun,” I heard her follow after us. I had never run down those steps so fast. Kaji followed suit and opened the boot of the car, loading in my bags, as I got into the car. I exhaled a furious breath, looking up to the ceiling of the car to stop myself from crying.

It made me even more furious that she was right. I had embarrassed myself in front of my own company. How was I possibly going to look him in the eye again?

He got into the car, and I could see him stalling from the corner of my eye. The engine was on, but we weren’t driving.

“Don’t tell my brothers.” I whispered, turning away and facing my window. I pulled my seatbelt over me, before pulling my legs as close to my door as possible and gluing myself to that side of the car. I hoped that was enough to stop him from speaking to me.

He seemed to have got the hint, instantly putting on the radio and driving away. My chest ached and not crying was only paining me more. I couldn’t cry. Not in the car. Not in front of Kaji.

The road to my new home seemed to take even longer than before. We arrived and I was thankful that it was really late. I was already going to use my eventful days as an excuse to go to bed early. Though we didn’t know each other, I knew Kaji wasn’t going to say anything to anyone about what happened. It was something about him. He didn’t look to be the kind to get involved with other people's business.

I got out of the car and Kaji insisted on taking the bags in for me. I cleared my throat and adjusted my face, before walking up the steps to the door. An officer opened the door for me, and I could already see Jin across the foyer waiting for me. I hesitated a little, waiting for Kaji to catch up with me, so we would walk in together.

“Hey, you’re back. How did it go?” He seemed eager to hear every detail and I was certainly not eager to talk at all.

“It went fine. She was fine with it. I’m really exhausted so I’m going to go to bed if you don’t mind.” I felt myself rushing. Him asking me how it went only made me think of my mother more vividly, nearly bringing me to tears. Not out of sadness, out of anger towards her. Kaji handed my bags to somebody, and they carried them upstairs. I was glad, I didn’t want any more one on one time with anyone.

“Of course. Have you eaten? Do you want Hanee to make you something? Bring you some tea before bed?” Jin was attentive as I assumed he would be. I smiled politely, shaking my head.

“No, I’m okay. We stopped to eat on our way.” I glanced quickly at Kaji who hesitated before nodding along in agreement. Jin didn’t question my lies; his face didn’t change. He didn’t know me and had no reason to doubt anything I was saying to begin with, so he didn’t.

“Goodnight.” I smiled at Jin, before turning to Kaji with a lesser smile, but still trying out of politeness. He stared blankly at me. He knew I was in pain, but there was nothing anyone could do to ease it.

“Goodnight.” Jin waved joyfully, before guiding Kaji out of the foyer.

My bags were already lying by my wardrobe, but I didn’t care. I didn’t even bother with a light, collapsing onto my bed. I kicked off my shoes and just laid there looking at the ceiling. It was the only view stopping me from crying. What else was there to do? I felt numb but crying made it feel like something. Anything. Pain. Betrayal. I didn’t think betrayal had a sense of feeling, but I could feel it, deep inside my chest. It felt like my heart was sore.

Mother had always told me that she didn’t know where my father was. That he was just some guy and that she never knew him that well. She never told me his name, because he wasn’t worth mentioning. She never even mentioned that I could have other siblings. I had assumed that I would never know anything from that side of my family. That that side was non-existent.

A knock on my door made me lunge forward. I sat up, waiting for a second to see if I had imagined it. Another knock echoed and I rushed to turn on my light. I didn’t want to look like a crazy person lying on top of my bed with my clothes on just staring at the ceiling. A regular thing for me, not so many others.

I opened the door, keeping it only a tiny bit ajar with one of the girls on the other side.

“Mr Chang asked to bring this to you.” She was holding something flat in her hands with a blue bag over it. The plastic bag was sticking to the packaging, which I recognised instantly as food.

“Oh, gamsahabnida.”I took it into my hands as the heat scorched my hands and I rushed to set it down. How the hell did she hold it for so long? It made me smile to think that Kaji had sent it to me because he was either worried about my health or about our lie. I wondered which one it was. It made me smile to think about teasing him. For a second, I felt a sense of joy.

It was bibimbap.