GUILT

As I was heading home, my mind was occupied with thoughts of Angelou being at the office earlier. It never occurred to me, not even in my wildest imagination, that she would be visiting. I am not aware of what her purpose of coming was, but one thing is definite, there would be war when I reach home. 

She obviously saw or heard me coming out with Lucy, since Emma informed me that she had left seconds away when I headed out of the private office. The thought bothered me. Not that I am committed to her or was likely answerable to her whatsoever, it's just that I knew she would be more than angry knowing I displayed Lucy once again in public. 

Silence filled the vast space the minute I opened the main doors. Although I saw some servants doing some routined chores, not a silhouette of Angelou nor her presence can be seen around. 

"Is my wife around? Has Angelou arrived?" I asked directly with no one in particular. 

One servant answered diligently. "Mrs. Levine hasn't returned home since she left early this morning, Sir." 

Hearing this, I hastily went to my room with my mind floating and unsettled. I tried to rest my body as it was overly exhausted from work and from Lucy's hyper enthusiastic libido, but my mind didn't want to cooperate. Spending hours twisting and turning on the mattress, searching for sleep but to no avail, I ended up getting up and walked out of the room. 

My eyes automatically search for her, but just like earlier when I arrived home, she's nowhere to be found. I headed towards the kitchen to grab something to drink when I saw my oldest servant cooking something. 

"Has Angelou arrived?" My query startled her, and she almost jolted in surprise. 

"Not yet, Sir. I haven't seen her since this morning." 

I don't know how to react with what I heard. I simply grabbed a canned beer and left without commenting. Something inside was eating me up. It wasn't fear nor worry, but something else. Something more intense than those emotions and more profoundly disturbing. 

Guilt. 

I haven't felt this for quite some time. I almost forgot how it felt, until now. The feeling was nauseously unbearable. My conscience kept on bugging me with what I have done, the offenses and wrongdoings I've committed, even though I am not accountable with my contracted wife. It drives me crazier every minute as I think of her reaction and what she felt. 

Was she so intensely furious at me, that's why she wasn't home yet? Have I really pushed her limits now and succeeded in keeping her out of my life? Will she finally tell me that she quitted on me and decided to throw the white flag as a sign of defeat and leave me alone for good? If yes, then I should be happy right? That would make this contract marriage between us much easier to end. But why can't I feel that happiness inside of me? Why do I feel terrible about it instead? 

Now that I think about it, about our setup coming to an end, there's this strong driving force inside of me that doesn't want any of that to happen. This doesn't just confuse me, but leaves me wordless and mentally paralyzed.

'What the fuck, Gabriel? This is what you ever wanted, right? If she will be the first one to say that this contracted marriage is over, then this will save you the time in dispatching her. You will still have the conglomerate and all of your father's assets with less expense on your part. You should be celebrating if that happens! You're a free man again, just like what you always wanted!' My subconscious mind heedlessly told me. 

"Was that what I really wanted?" I asked absentmindedly to myself, uncertain of what my answer would be. 

A day had gone by and I woke up the next morning feeling light headed and giddy. I don't have any plans of going out for the rest of the day, not after a few hours of sleep the night before. Deciding to wash away the mesh and tangled feeling, I hastily stripped off and went to the bathroom. But even after taking a long cold bath, my mind was still in chaotic turmoil and I could still feel my guilty conscience overpowering my rationale. 

'Agh! Fuck this shit! What's the matter with me? This is not how it was supposed to be! This wasn't even part of the plan! I shouldn't be in this fucking spiral of thoughts and emotions! How could this be? Am I going crazy over her? Have I made a mistake just like what Lucy has said? Have I dug my own grave and willingly let myself fall into it? Is that why I am utterly confused now?' 

I achingly grabbed hold of my hair and twitched it as hard as I could. No woman has ever made me lose my mind like this the way she did. No woman has ever made me think crazily over them the way she did. She's tormenting me inside and out with less effort on her part. She hasn't done anything harsh yet to me, but here I am succumbing already in my feet with agonizing guilt. 

'Have you bewitched me again, Angelou? Have you casted a spell on me again just like when we were in college? Because if you do, please undo that magical spell. I beg you to uncast it upon me, because you're unconsciously driving me crazy.'