GRAPPLED WITH VULNERABILITY

After another heated debate with Lucy, that ended with me gripping tightly of my resentment towards her, I gathered myself and chose to settle in the attic. Since I lost the drive to sleep because of the disturbance the two women had created, I might as well focus on something productive and worthy of my spare time. 

As I set foot inside the place I called my haven or my oasis and port in a storm, tranquility succumbed to me in an instant. The feeling of refuge and the calmness this place constantly creates for me overpowered me as I walked further in. 

It has been a while since the last occasion I was here. Due to what had happened recently with the marriage and the workloads that consumed most of my time, not to mention Lucy's ever demanding attitude and behavior that's starting to sicken me, I have neglected this sanctuary for a short while. But regardless of the intervals, this place never ceased to give me the peace I invariably covet for. 

I have transformed this attic into an asylum of one of my passions in life. It was suggested to me by one of my therapists before. A place where I could be with myself, to indulge in peace and commence healing at the same time. I redecorated it myself, with my own sweat and blood. This is my solitude. I often go here to distract myself or free myself from the outside world's uproars and turmoil. Every time I am here, I constantly feel like I am in a different realm, in a different world. This ground is my deliverance.

The place is surrounded with frames and canvases of hand-crafted paintings, arts of different concepts and aesthetic qualities, which I personally produce for personal satisfaction. I never marketed it in public, nor let anyone discover it, all that can be found here is for my eyes only. 

An unfinished canvas laid separately at one of my wood stands. It was covered with white fabric and I couldn't barely remember the last time I continued working on it. My feet brought me there. It took me minutes before I slowly uncovered it and stared intently at my unfinished work. 

The painting was a half-done face of a woman with bold almond shaped eyes and long dashing eyelashes. Its proud narrow pointed nose compliments the beauty of the eyes which accentuates the entire contour as a whole. Even not fully constructed yet, anyone would be mesmerized just by merely looking at the woman's soulful eyes. 

As I gazed at it, unexplainable feelings rapidly enveloped me, that made me cover the canvas with haste and immediately turn around. I suddenly feel regretful of beholding it again, as pain from my previous self returned to me with a speed of lightning. 

I slumped at one of the cushions and shut my eyes. I could feel the tension rising inside of me, creating a war between will and emotions. I never imagined that I would still deal with this after years of counseling and psychotherapy. I thought I was done with it years ago and that I succeeded with it. But here I am now, struggling, as my mind and heart battles on who must come out victorious. 

'Past is past, Gabriel. You shouldn't be dwelling on what happened to you before. You're a changed man now. You should focus on your main objective and why you are in this situation in the first place. Stop reliving your feelings for her because it will only lead to a graver self-destruction. It's not worth it, none of it does. All your hardship and determination to improve yourself will all be put to waste if you push through with this insanity. You will always be a nobody to her. Have you forgotten what she said before? So don't be grappled with vulnerability and go on with your purpose of revenge! The more you distance your emotions from her, the quicker the success of your revenge will be!'

I quickly stood up and headed towards the door. I was about to close the main door after descending from the stairs when I saw Angelou staring right at me with curiosity in her eyes. 

"What? Why are you staring at me like that?" 

"Oh nothing. I was just wondering what's in the attic. I never saw you go there before until today, so I was just curious. Is that some holy place or something? Is that where your gold mines are hidden?" 

"Mind your own business, will you? Whatever's in there is none of your damn concerns. Go stick your nose elsewhere, but disregard the attic." I barked authoritatively before walking past her. 

"Alright." 

Her short reply made me halt and looked back at her. She was still staring at the door where I came from. How she stood there motionless alarmed me. I never knew her to be nosy, but precautions should be made to prevent unwanted things from occurring. I don't want anyone inside my haven, more specifically not her.

"Stay out of the attic, Angelou. Don't even dare to try and go beyond there. It's one of my private places and I don't intend to share it with anyone. Do you understand?" 

She didn't say a single word. She simply marched away and headed downstairs. Her silence alarmed me. I made a mental note to have the door padlock for security purposes. I can't afford my haven to be trampled on by someone unworthy to be in there, the more of someone who was the sole reason why that place was designed in the first place. 

***

As I was walking towards the living room, my mind was glued at the adjoining door at the third level. Initially, I wasn't really curious about what's behind it. I just said those words earlier because Gabriel caught me staring at him. But right after he prohibited me and even demanded me not to go beyond it, that's when my curiosity started. 

'What could be inside the attic? He must be hiding something in there that he didn't want anyone to have knowledge of. But what could that be? Could it be that his riches are hidden there? Some highly important documents, or gold bars maybe, that he was so secretive about. Or maybe, he was hiding someone in there? Another mistress perhaps, that he doesn't want me or Lucy to know about. But whatever it is, it must be of high value to him. He won't prohibit it if it's nothing he treasured about.' 

With these thoughts in mind, I promised myself to know about everything the soonest. I will find a way to sneak into the attic one of these days and will make sure that I will not be caught by anyone, especially not Gabriel himself. Inquisitiveness made me want to know what it is that he is hiding. May it be beneficial to me or not, I simply want to know. It piqued my interest. My curiosity about the attic will not die down unless I see it for myself and discover Gabriel's secret and why he was keeping it on his own.