Beside You Ch. 6: Say Something

Chapter Six: Say Something

I was tired.

I didn't understand how I could be this tired.

Everything around me was quiet, and it only made me feel more relaxed.

"She's awake."

I knew that voice, but I couldn't quite put my finger on who it belonged to. It was female, and it sounded irritated.

"She was with you last," she said, "What did you do?"

Now I knew, it was Benny's voice.

My eyes opened, and I was staring at bright lights.

This wasn't my room.

I forced myself to sit up.

"Hold on," Benny said into the phone before standing next to the bed, "Ren, don't force yourself."

I stared at her, and I didn't know what to say. How long had she been here?

"I'm hanging up," she said into the phone.

I watched as she pressed a button before putting the device into her pocket.

"Ren?" she asked quietly, as if she might startle me.

I didn't say anything. I just stared.

"Oh honey," she sat on the side of the bed.

"What happened?" I asked her.

She looked confused, "You don't remember?"

Vaguely, I only remember being at the food court with Michael. I don't remember getting back here.

I shook my head slowly.

She let out a sigh, "Michael called me earlier and said you guys were out front, but when I got there, you were completely blank."

I made a face.

So, I did it again? Damn it.

"I'm sorry," I said.

She looked worried, "What happened?"

"I don't remember," I admitted.

I was at the food court. I opened the box my mother sent me… oh no.

She frowned before reaching for her pocket again to check her phone.

She was quick to answer it.

"What?" she demanded.

I couldn't hear the voice on the other side.

"No," she said, "You have done enough."

I looked up at her.

"You don't need to talk to her," Benny stated.

She must think that it was something he did.

"I don't mind," I said.

It wasn't like this was his fault. It was mine.

I needed to find a new way to deal with everything.

She looked at me, confused.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

I nodded. It wasn't something I needed to think about.

She sighed before handing me the phone.

I only pressed it to my ear as I listened to the voice.

"Benny?" Michael hissed, "Let me talk to her."

I didn't say anything, I just sat there.

He was silent for a minute.

"Ren?" he asked.

I didn't say anything.

"You promised," he said, "Say something."

"Hi," I said.

He let out an awkward laugh.

I could tell he was worried. I could hear the relief in his words.

"Okay," he let out a sigh, "I'm sorry."

I stared at Benny, and she just stared back at me.

I smiled lightly at her.

"Is Benny still there?" he asked.

"Do you want to talk to her?" I asked.

"Does he?" Benny asked oddly.

"No," Michael was quick to say, "Yes, hand her the phone."

I handed her the phone, and she was quick to take it.

"What is it?" she asked.

She made a face.

It made me wonder what he was saying to her.

She stood there before turning around. I couldn't hear what she said to him next.

I laid back on the bed, and I realized then that I was in the infirmary. The nurse wasn't here, but it was definitely the infirmary.

"Okay," Benny said, "I'm giving her back the phone."

I looked up to see her handing the phone to me.

She smiled at me, "I'm going to head back to the room, so I'll see you later, okay."

I nodded as I took the phone from her.

She hesitated a good minute before she turned and left the infirmary.

"Is she gone?" he asked.

"What did you say to her?" I asked.

"I just told her to give us a minute to talk."

"Okay," I said.

I just held the phone to my ear, and neither one of us said anything.

It felt like forever before Michael spoke again.

"Ren?" he asked.

"Yeah?" I asked back.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault," I said, "So stop apologizing."

He went silent again, and I didn't know what to say.

"What are you doing right now?" I asked him.

"Sitting out here on the grass," he stated.

"Is it the place behind the gym?" I asked.

"No," he said.

I wasn't sure why, but I didn't want to just talk to him over the phone. I wanted to see him.

I found myself sitting up, "Go there."

"There's nothing wrong with where I am now," he stated.

Did he not want to see me?

"Go there," I said again, "I'm hanging up, I'll see you there in a minute."

"What?" he demanded.

I hung up the phone and got to my feet.

I put Benny's phone in my pocket, and I walked out of the infirmary. I went out the side door, so I didn't have to pass the main desk.

I walked a little faster than usual.

Would he be there, or would he just blow me off?

I guess I'll find out.

I turned the corner, and I saw him sitting there with his arms resting on his knees and his feet tapping nervously.

"Michael," I said.

He looked up at me, and I saw the relieved expression on his face.

"Hey," he said, "You shouldn't be out here, it's late."

I know it was dark out, but I didn't care. With the little bit of light we had, this felt perfect.

I moved closer to the gate, and I sat down and crossed my legs.

There was a short silence between us. I felt it necessary to speak.

"What is Gus up to?" I asked him.

He checked his phone, "Probably on Skype with Benny."

I nodded slowly.

I felt nervous as he stared at me.

"I didn't mean to make anyone worry," I said, "It's been a while since that happened, so I don't think I handled it well."

"It was like you weren't even there, Ren," he stated, "I've never seen anyone disappear like that before."

I stared down at my feet.

"Why?" he asked, "Why do you disappear like that?"

I shook my head.

He can't know, not yet.

He moved closer to the gate and reached through to pat the top of my head.

I was quick to look up, and he just smiled lightly at me.

"I get it," he said, "There were plenty of times in my life, where I wish I could have done that."

He sat back down and ran his hand through his hair.

It was hard not to stare at him. He really is an attractive boy.

Despite the darkness, I could see the blue of his eyes.

"I had Benny take the stuff to your room, so she might have some questions when you get back."

I nodded slowly.

There was silence again.

"Why?" he asked, "Out of all the places you could have done that, why your thighs?"

I wasn't expecting that to come out of his mouth. It felt like so long ago already since he found out.

"No one would see them," I said, "Unless I absolutely trusted them."

"Sorry I saw them," he said.

He was looking for reassurance. He wanted me to tell him I trusted him. I could see it on his face, he needed me to trust him.

"You aren't completely untrustworthy," I stated.

The look he gave me made me falter.

"Thank you for making sure I came back safely," I said, "Really."

I watched as his jaw tightened.

"Michael?" I asked.

"This fucking gate," he said, "You're too far away."

I could see his composure change as he rested his elbow on his knee and covered half his face with his hand.

I was too far away?

"Get over here," he said.

I instantly went nervous, but I moved forward.

I sat so that my side was against the gate, and he did the same on the opposite side.

I looked over at him, and he stared back at me.

"Don't freak out," he said.

I was wondering what he meant, but I felt his hand between my legs, and I instinctively shut them tightly.

"Relax," Michael whispered into my ear.

I felt his breath on the side of my face, and I shivered.

My legs were shaking, but I slowly opened them.

His fingertips barely touched me last time, having his hand grip my thigh made my body shake more.

His hand moved slowly from the top of my thigh.

He ran his fingers lightly over the scars between my legs. His had was hot against my skin.

His hand moved further, and I placed my hand over his to stop him.

"I won't touch you unless you ask," he said quietly, "Don't worry."

I nodded, but I refused to let go of his hand. It was warm against my skin. If I let go, I knew I would let him touch me. I had to stop him. I wasn't ready for that.

I squeezed his hand, and he squeezed my thigh. I let out a small sound.

I felt his nose graze under my ear, and my head went back.

He could only get so close through these damn bars.

"Let me use my fingers," he breathed.

I definitely felt it, my body went hot, and I wanted him to touch me, but not here.

"We're outside," I stated.

He removed his hand, and I felt cold.

I watched as he moved back to adjust his position so that he was on his knees. He took off his jacket and forced it through the bars.

I stared at it as he held it out to me.

"Take it," he said, "And put your back to the gate."

I looked at him, "Why?"

"It's easier for me to reach through the gate," he stated.

I just kept staring at him.

Do I put my back against the gate and let him touch me?

Why? We weren't together. Why would I let a man touch me there before he kissed me?

I got to my knees and moved away from the gate.

He looked rejected, clear as day. I could see the look on his face, and I felt terrible, but I couldn't just give myself up like that.

I pushed the jacket back through the gate, and he stood up.

He just looked at it, not bothering to reach for it.

"Take it," I said, getting to my feet.

He didn't move to take it.

"Michael," I said, "Take it."

He moved back, and I could see him getting ready to leave.

I did it without even thinking. I pulled his jacket back through, and I slammed my back against the gate. The cold from the metal felt good against my now sore back.

After a couple of seconds like that, I expected to feel his hands.

I didn't feel anything.

I turned my head to see him standing there just looking at me.

What was he waiting for?

He didn't budge.

I faced forward to reach my hands above my head, and I grabbed the gate.

I could feel him behind me now, he was definitely closer.

His hands landed on my hips, and he pulled me closer to the gate. I gasped.

Slowly his hands went down until they reached my knees, and then he slowly brought them back up. I could feel his thumb messing with the elastic of my underwear on my butt.

"M-Michael," I stuttered.

His hands disappeared, and I heard him sigh.

I turned around to look at him, "What's wrong?"

"This is a bad idea," he said mainly to himself.

Somehow, I felt like it was me who had been rejected. I wasn't ready for him to touch me, but in order to make him happy, I would have.

I slowly moved away from the gate, but I couldn't look at him.

He was the one that always made jokes and made comments about fucking me, but when something like this happens, he rejects me.

I didn't want to stand here anymore. I didn't want to be here at all.

He didn't say anything, so I was quick to slip his jacket through and drop it.

This wasn't going to happen, so I ran.

I was stupid to think he would take me like that, so stupid!

"Ren!"

I could hear him call my name, but I wasn't going back there.

How was I always able to make the wrong decision?

I made my way back to my room, and I stood outside the door.

Part of me wasn't ready to face Benny, but I was so tired.

What was I even doing? This whole thing was so ridiculous.

Michael isn't my boyfriend, so why would I even consider something like that at all? What the hell is he doing to me?

There was talking on the other side of the door, but I couldn't understand any of it. The voices got louder, then the door suddenly burst open.

Benny stood there with a look of surprise on her face.

"Ren?" she asked.

I looked up to meet her gaze.

"How long have you been standing here?"

To be honest, I had no idea.

I only shrugged.

She took my hand and pulled me inside, and I felt loved.

That feeling of rejection from Michael was barely a memory. I felt better.

"Gus, you still there?" Benny asked.

"Is Ren there?" Gus asked. He sounded worried.

I moved to see him on the screen, and he grinned once he saw me, "Hey, Ren."

"Hey, Gus," I said.

I couldn't help but smile once I saw his relief.

The person in the back, however, soiled my mood.

Michael stood there with an irritated look on his face.

He didn't have his jacket on. I didn't see it at all.

That reminded me about the phone I had, the one that didn't belong to me.

I pulled the phone from my pocket and handed it to Benny.

"Thanks for letting me borrow it," I said.

She only smiled before pulling the chair from my desk and bringing it over to the computer. I sat in my chair, and she sat in hers.

I listened to her and Gus flirt, but my eyes were on Michael, and his were on me.

He was mad at me for running away. I didn't think he deserved to be mad. He was the one that rejected me.

I knew when to smile and when to laugh at jokes Benny and Gus made, but I wasn't really into it.

It was like everything went away, and I suddenly became tired again.

I got to my feet, and all eyes were on me.

"Tired?" Benny asked me.

I nodded, "Goodnight, you guys."

I waved at the screen.

"Night Ren," Gus said.

Michael didn't say anything.

"Goodnight, Ren," Benny said.

I gave her another smile before getting to my bed.

My uniform was still on. I knew I couldn't sleep with it on.

I went to my closet, and I saw the bags on the ground. Both the red and yellow dresses were hanging up.

I backup up to look at Benny, "Thank you."

She grinned at me.

Why didn't I have someone like her when I was back home?

I needed someone like Benny, maybe then I wouldn't have been in so much pain.

I went back to my closet, and I was quick to remove my uniform. I put on a pair of sweat pants and a long-sleeved dark gray shirt.

Now I was ready for bed.

I laid down on my bed, and I sighed.

"Oh," Benny said, "Your phone kept going off, it's on the charger."

She pointed to my desk, and I was up to check it.

It didn't say who sent them, but I had 23 unread text messages.

I put in my password, and I went to my messages.

All of them were from Michael.

That strange feeling of being cared about swarmed through me. He didn't have to message me, but he did.

I clicked on his name, and I scrolled all the way down to the first message.

From: Michael – 'Ren?'

From: Michael – 'Are you, you yet?'

From: Michael – 'Ren, text me back.'

From: Michael – 'Seriously, text me.'

From: Michael – 'Benny do you have her phone?'

From: Michael – 'Ren just say something.'

From: Michael – 'I need to know you are okay.'

From: Michael – 'Text me back, Ren.'

From: Michael – 'Please answer me.'

From: Michael – 'Ren please, don't ignore me.'

From: Michael – 'Are you awake?'

From: Michael – 'I'm not going to go away just because you ignore me.'

From: Michael – 'I'm sorry, I know I'm an asshole. Just please answer me.'

From: Michael – 'Ren quit fucking with me.'

From: Michael – 'You're seriously just blowing me off aren't you?'

From: Michael – 'Just call me a dick so I can get on with my day.'

From: Michael – 'Ren, please answer me.'

From: Michael – 'I feel like such a fucking jerk, just say something.'

From: Michael – 'I just want to know how you are doing.'

From: Michael – 'I'm going crazy over here Ren, just answer me already.'

From: Michael – 'Ren, seriously stop ignoring me.'

From: Michael – 'I won't bother you anymore okay, so just forget all those other messages I sent.'

From: Michael – 'I'm sorry.'

My chest hurt after reading all of the messages he left me.

He seemed distraught. He thought I was ignoring him.

Now I understood why he was so relieved to talk to me. Why he sounded like he was begging for me to say something no matter what it was.

I was about to text him back, but my phone buzzed. It said that I received another message from him.

From: Michael – 'Why did you run away?'

I glanced up at Benny to see if she noticed the sound.

She smiled wide at Gus and talked about Saturday.

I sat on my bed, and I looked at the message for a minute.

To: Michael – 'I didn't say no, you did.'

I felt like a jerk for saying it, but it was true.

To: Michael – 'I didn't ignore you, I didn't have my phone.'

I pulled the blanket over me before I rolled to my side.

The phone buzzed in my hand, and I unlocked it so I could read the message.

From: Michael – 'You said so yourself we were outside.'

Of course, I knew that. I felt the same way at the time.

The only thing that came to mind now was what his friend said about him having an addiction to the pussy.

Was it because I wouldn't let him go all the way? Was it because he thought I wouldn't do anything for him if he did that to me?

I know what I was about to say would sound horrible, but I couldn't stop myself.

To: Michael – 'Well thanks for stopping me from making a decision I would later regret.'

It was mean, and I knew it, but I pressed send before I could process just how mean I knew it really was.

I felt shitty afterward, but I knew it was true.

Michael can't touch me. If he does, I already know I'll give him everything.

I don't know how he has such a crazy effect on me. It's baffling.

My phone buzzed again, and I was surprised he responded, but I feared what he might say.

From: Michael – 'Glad to see we're on the same page.'

How did his words hurt so much? He only agreed with what I said.

I stared at the message, but I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of Benny's voice.

"Where are you going?" Benny demanded.

"I'm going out," I heard Michael on the other side.

I sat up to look over at them.

"It's almost ten," Benny hissed, "Where are you going?"

"He has a girl waiting outside," I heard Gus say.

For how long?

"Since when?" Benny demanded.

"I don't know," he said, "He talked to her a few hours ago, I guess."

My gaze dropped to my phone, and I felt worse.

He was back with a girl? Was he trying to see what I would do with him?

I feel so fucking used that I just… I am pissed.

I set my alarm before I laid back down. I faced the wall. I was going to sleep, and I didn't want to wake up tomorrow or Saturday.

++++++++++

I woke up to the sound of a guitar, it wasn't my phone.

"Hello?" Benny asked.

I rolled over to look at her.

Her hair was a mess, and she frowned at the response she got.

"Tell me you're fucking kidding," Benny said.

"Is everything okay?" I asked her.

She shook her head and listened.

It made me wonder who it was and what happened.

I waited a few minutes before she spoke again.

"We'll be there."

I made a face.

She hung up the phone and started to put clothes on.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Put some clothes on," she said.

I got up and put on socks before slipping my shoes on. I went through my clothes before deciding on just wearing the clothes I slept in.

I had to maneuver a bra on without taking my shirt off.

Benny was dressed and waiting for me.

I made sure I had my wallet and everything I might need with me.

When she walked out, I was surprised when she headed for the front gate.

It was still dark out, which made me a little more frustrated than I liked.

I pulled my phone out to check the time.

5:37 AM.

"Are we allowed to leave?" I asked her quickly.

"It's Friday," she stated, "Which means no security at the front gate."

I nodded.

When we reached the front gate, we walked right through, and nothing happened. The entrance wasn't even locked.

She stopped to look at her phone before she started walking across the street.

"Where are we going?" I asked her.

"The Motel just up the street," she said.

I could hear her irritation.

"What happened?"

She shook her head.

We lagged getting to the Motel, but we walked all the way there.

Once we got there, she didn't talk to the clerk. She just went right for the stairs.

I wanted to ask her again where we were going, but I had a feeling I didn't need to.

She stopped in front of a room with the number 26 on it.

She knocked, and right away, I was nervous.

What were we even doing here so early in the morning?

The door opened to reveal Gus was on the other side.

"Gus?" I asked oddly.

He looked at me and made a face.

"She shouldn't be here, Benny," Gus said.

I knew it was weird that I was here. For whatever exactly that was going on, it felt strange.

I knew that I was still relatively new.

"She's one of us now," she said, "She is fine, just let us in."

He moved, and once I saw who was inside, I had to avert my eyes.

Michael was lying face-up on the bed, and he was only wearing tight boxer briefs.

He looked thrashed. Something was wrong.

My eyes went back to him before really thinking about it. Curiosity got the best of me.

His tattoo caught my attention, and I had to force myself to look away again.

"Michael," Gus said, "Benny is here."

Michael burst out in laughter. It startled me.

He was either drunk or high, I couldn't tell.

"Ren," he said strangely, "What brings you here?"

He sat up to look at us.

He cocked his head to the side and looked at me, but I watched his eyes roll back into his head before he fell back on the mattress.

Fear filled my chest.

I rushed forward to force his eyes open.

"Michael, what did you take?" I demanded.

He laughed as he squirmed away from me, so I had to hold him still.

His eyes were bloodshot, and he reeked of alcohol, but there was more to it.

"I found something," Gus said.

I turned to see him holding a bottle of pills.

"What is it?" I asked him.

"A prescription," Gus said, "But it isn't his."

Benny snatched it from him to read it.

"That fucking bitch," she hissed.

I forced Michael to his feet, and he just continued to laugh.

He clung to me, and he stumbled, but I got him into the bathroom.

I felt different textures on his skin, and it worried me.

He has several smooth spots, as well as some rough ones. Signs of old scars.

Only, it made me wonder just how many he actually had.

"Uh," Benny said, but stopped to stand in the doorway.

I noticed her looking at me curiously.

"Michael," I said calmly, "Did you take any of those pills?"

He cocked his head to the side, "Why?"

It was hard not to notice the small line on his collar bone. Was it from a break?

"Answer me," I felt a little like I was pleading with him, "Did you take anything?"

He began to laugh, and I felt sick.

By the look on Benny's face, I could tell she didn't know what to do. I watched as she walked out to help Gus.

What if something happens to him?

What if he did take all those pills? What if he dies?

"Michael," I said again, calmly, "Did you take any of those pills?"

He forced himself away from me, and he took in a huge breath as he sat on the edge of the bathtub.

"I could really use a cigarette," he stated.

"Not until you answer me," I gripped his chin tightly and forced his gaze up to meet mine.

I noticed an old cut on the left side of his face. The scar just barely showed through his hairline, but when I really looked, I could see it extend above his left ear. How did that happen?

A small sound brought my attention back to his face.

His blue eyes seemed to change colors every time I looked at them. His gaze was on me hard.

He gripped my wrist tightly.

"So, what if I did?" he asked, amused.

His grip on my wrist was ridiculously tight.

I tried to force my hand away, but he wouldn't let go.

"Michael," I hissed, "Let me go."

He stood up to tower over me.

I refused to let him try and intimidate me.

"You need to throw them up," I said.

He didn't say anything. He just wouldn't let me go.

"What if you took too many?" I asked, "Do you want to die?"

His jaw tightened, and he finally released me.

I pushed at his chest, and he groaned.

"You need to throw them up," I said.

"I don't want to," he stated.

"I don't care," I said.

I wouldn't let up.

He needed to throw them up. I had to make sure he was okay.

Then it hit me, I remembered one of the messages he sent me, and I decided to steal his line.

"Michael, I need to know that you are okay," I said, "Please throw them up."

"I'll be in pain of I throw them up," he said, "Don't ask me to be in pain."

It hurt to hear him say it. I didn't want him to be in pain, but he had to do this.

"I'm not asking," I said.

I looked at him. I wasn't going to lose this fight.

He stared at me.

"Please," I said, keeping my eyes on his, "Michael."

He let out a small groan before he stood up.

I opened my mouth to repeat it, but he dropped next to the toilet.

He shut his eyes tightly before looking down at the bowl.

His hand shook as he slowly brought it to his mouth, and he forced two fingers down his throat.

I watched as his body heaved. The liquid, along with the pills he took, were being expelled from his body.

It almost sounded like he was screaming.

I shut my eyes tightly as he hurled, but I was thankful that he chose not to die.

Though I wasn't sure if he took enough to overdose on, I didn't want him to disappear.

I was just thankful that he chose to listen to me instead of continuing to harm himself.

It was cold, the air in the motel room. I felt myself shivering as I watched his body heave.

I was used to watching someone vomit, so I didn't feel sick.

As long as he was okay, and as long as he got those pills out of his stomach.

I let out a sigh as I watched him move away from the toilet to find his spot on the edge of the bathtub again.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I don't want you to be in pain, but if it means you're alive, I don't care."

He looked over at me, and I could see it, anger in those dark blue eyes.

"Please forgive me," I said.

In all my years, I have never used that line. I have heard it dozens of times from plenty of different people.

"And why should I forgive you?" he growled.

I didn't know.

"You worry about me," I said before thinking, "So why is it so wrong that I worry about you?"

"I can take care of myself," he said quietly.

"Yeah, right," I stated, "We wouldn't be here if that were true."

He moved forward, and his hand grabbed my jaw roughly.

"Don't fucking pity me," he growled.

I couldn't help but laugh, "I don't pity you moron."

I took hold of his hand, and I forced it away from me.

He looked surprised.

"I worry for a reason," I stated, "You have already seen how I escape. I just didn't expect to see how you did this soon."

He moved away from me and sat down on the rim of the bathtub.

"Michael," I sighed.

"Just shut up," he hissed, "Just shut the fuck up."

"Hey," I growled.

His glare went through me like a knife, but I couldn't let him talk to me like that.

I pulled my arm back, and I connected my hand harshly to his cheek.

I let out a gasp once I heard the loud smack.

His eyes were wide as he stared sideways.

His cheek was already red from the impact.

Part of me felt bad for slapping him, the other part knew it was a long time coming.

His hand slowly came up to rub the tender skin.

He turned his head to look at me as his knuckles tried to rub the sting away from his face.

I didn't falter as I glared back at him.

"Pull yourself together," I said meaner than necessary, "I am your friend, not some fucking bimbo you took in for the night. Watch your mouth."

His eyes on me had me confused. I couldn't figure out the emotion behind his gaze.

"Ren?"

The bathroom door opened, and Benny looked at me.

"It's okay," I said, "He threw them up."

She let out a long sigh, "Awesome."

He had to know that both Benny and Gus worried about him.

My gaze went back to Michael as he continued to stare at me.

What the hell did that gaze mean?

"Benny? Ren?" Gus said from inside the room, "It is getting late, you guys should head back to campus, school is going to start in less than an hour."

I nodded as I looked at Benny.

"I can take care of things from here," Gus said, "Just don't be late."

Benny placed a kiss on Gus's lips, and I smiled at him.

Michael hadn't moved since I slapped him.

"I'll call you later," Benny said, "Make sure he gets that crap completely out of his system, he can't afford another failed drug test."

I shivered at the thought.

Of course, Michael took drugs to escape.

Did he want to run away after witnessing how I ran away?

I shook my head furiously. I hope that wasn't why.

It felt unfair if he did. It wasn't like I did it on purpose.

"I'll talk to you guys later," I said before Benny forced me out.

"We might need to run," she said after looking at her phone.

I mentally prepared myself before running.