2

Trigger Warning: the following chapter contains material that may be harmful or traumatizing to some audiences.

I hear clapping in the background as I open my eyes and move the mic away from my mouth.

"Spectacular as always Maria" Devin my vocal coach flashes me an ear-to-ear grin.

"I felt like I messed up that last note, did I go too high?" I ask frantically pulling my hair out of my face.

"No no, you were on the right key. You sound staggering." Devin smiles at me reassuringly and I nod, not really believing him. I didn't sound as good as I wanted to, I always end up sounding too pitchy when I go towards the higher notes and I know that's not just in my head, people on the internet say it all the time. Sure, they are just trolling me but what if I really do sound pitchy? After all my team loves me so they could be lying not wanting to hurt my feelings not to mention I pay them so they preassume they need to be careful with me and sugarcoat everything? I just think tha-

My inner monologue was interrupted by Devin waving his hand across my face, "You're doing it again Maria" He says shaking his head disapprovingly.

I furrow my eyebrows, when did Devin get on stage? "Doing what?"

Devin gently picks up my wrists and smiles at me, "Overthinking and doubting yourself. You sounded exceptional today and you sounded exceptional yesterday and you will sound phenomenal tomorrow! I would tell you if there was something wrong with your key. Please lighten up"

I smile and nod, "I'm sorry I just want to make sure I'm giving the people who pay to see me my best"

"You are sweetheart, you work so hard. Give yourself some credit and take a break okay?" Devin stares at me considerately.

I smile as he lets go of my wrists and gives me one last smile before walking away. I walk backstage and set down the microphone on one of the tables.

"Hey Maria, I'm heading out to get lunch for everyone. Do you want something?" Rick my touring manager asks.

I smile, "No thanks Rick, I had a heavy breakfast." I lie, Rick nods and walks away.

I grab a water bottle from the crafts table and lean against the wall, none of my dancers are here yet as we are solely just doing vocal rehearsals for now and later dance rehearsals for my show in Trinidad tomorrow night. Hence why everything feels so deserted, it's only Devin and I along with some members from the touring crew. One thing no one tells you is how lonely touring can get at times. It really is the best of times and the worse of times.

Yes, you travel the world and meet thousands of new people who adore and love you unconditionally, don't get me wrong I never want to sound ungrateful I love my job so so so much but once you're off the stage and the adrenaline starts to fade out, you realize how isolated you really are but you can't tell anyone about it because how can I complain about my life when I am truly so blessed.

I hear my phone buzz in my back pocket, I take it out and look at the screen, and laugh to myself. It's like this was almost on queue, I see that I got a text from Linda, my therapist, it read:

"Hey Maria, I know you're busy conquering the world but we haven't had a session in over 2 months, I worry about you especially knowing the toll tour puts on you. I know you have the day off today, I can squeeze you in anytime before 4, are you available?"

I immediately text back, "Yes Linda, I'd really appreciate that. I'll be free at 2:30 so can we do it at 3?" and within seconds I get a response from her, "Of course, I'll send you my zoom link in a bit," she writes and I put my phone back into my pocket. Today is just an off day for me I guess, I can't seem to shake this somber feeling away from me.

....

After dance rehearsals and a vigorous workout session with my trainer, I head back to the hotel. I immediately hop into the shower and let the hot water run down my body, soothing my nerves. After what felt like hours I get out of the shower and put on a pair of pajama shorts and a tank top. As I was brushing my hair I glanced at myself in the mirror. I set my hairbrush down and look at my body. I regret not working out before the tour, my thighs have gotten huge. Even though I work out 2 times a day when I'm on tour not including the calories I burn every night on stage yet I still don't seem to lose any weight. What am I doing wrong? I suddenly regret putting on these shorts as they show off my cellulite-covered thick thighs. I used to be a size 3 last year and now I'm almost a size 7. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Tears started forming up in my eyes as I stare at myself more intently through the mirror, why can't I ever seem to keep my weight down? Why do I always need to get lazy and hog food, I am never going to be pretty and skinny. This is so frustrating. The tears were rolling down my cheeks as anger and frustration filled inside of me, why can't look the way I want to, after all this effort I put into my body why do I still look like absolute fucking shit. I hate myself so much. I pick up my vanity bag and dig through it looking for a razor, I was about to pull it out when I heard my phone going off. I put the bag down and pick up my phone to see I have a text from Linda telling me she's waiting for me to start.

I take a deep breath and wipe the tears off my face. I wash my face with cold water then grab my phone and head to the bedroom. I pick up my laptop and quickly open Zoom and enter Linda's scheduled meeting ID. I practice my best fake smile into my webcam whilst waiting for Linda even though I know it's no good, she sees right through me.

"Maria" Linda greets me with a smile as she enters the meeting.

"Hi Linda, I missed you." I smile at her.

"How are you, Maria?" Linda dives right in, her face full of concern and seriousness as if she knows what just happened 5 minutes ago.

"There really isn't any point lying to you is it?" I chuckle dryly.

"There isn't, what's on your mind? How has the tour been treating you?" Linda stares at me blankly.

"Tour has been incredible as always." I start off, "I love my job and I'm so grateful to travel the world and live out my dreams and meet these beautiful people who have been supporting me for years and I feel like shit because I can't appreciate any of it, I never explore all these cities I visit, I end up feeling lonely and having depressive episodes. My anxiety does not let me sit in peace for a single second, I am constantly worrying about whether I'm doing too much or not enough. Am I giving people what their money is worth or am I just giving them sleazy performances? And I love to perform, God do I love it but I can't enjoy it when I have panic attacks before every single show. Why do I feel like this, why do I feel sequestered when I'm surrounded by all these people who gave me everything I have, Why is it that sometimes I want to be alone and I love being alone and sometimes I go into these depressive episodes because I can't handle the loneliness? I don't even know what I want? Do I want a boyfriend or do I want my friends or do I want my family? I feel like shit, I have this dream life and I can't even enjoy it, I'm sabotaging my own happiness. There is no reason for me to get depressed every time I'm on tour, I'm pretty sure if I wanted to I could control my anxiety but I don't. I let them take over my life and just end up feeling sorry for myself and for fucking what? For having everything I dreamed of? I hate myself, why can't I ever just be appreciative and live in the moment" The tears were rolling down my face as I stare at Linda woefully.

"Maria, you've been through so much in your lifetime, your experiences are just as valid as the next person's regardless of your lifestyle you need to empathize with yourself instead of giving your empathy to everyone else, being so hard on yourself is the problem. Mental health is tricky, these disorders sneak up on you when you're supposedly fine and you don't understand why you suddenly have these overwhelming feelings of sadness but that's okay. You are human, give yourself breathing space, this is out of your control. You're trying, aren't you? You try to give your fans the best show every night and workout, stay in a positive mindset but they just get the best of you, that's okay. You are doing great, I promise you once you stop being so hard on yourself these afflictions will dwindle into the background. Give yourself breathing space." Linda stares at me earnestly.

I nod, wiping my tears away, "I know, it just gets a bit too much sometimes."

"Understandably and that's fine." Linda smiles at me, "Maria when was the last time you ate?" Her expression completely changed to worried.

Again, there is no point lying to her, "Yesterday morning" I say simply.

"Maria, I know you struggle with food and body and it especially gets hard for you during the tour because you want to look a certain type of way in your outfits but burning 5000 calories a day and consuming less than 100 isn't healthy. Eating affects your mood as well, it's easier for the destructive thoughts to bother you when you're weaker"

"Right before you called, I had a mini-episode staring at myself in the mirror and I was about to take out a razor and you know but my phone started ringing," I say nonchalantly.

"I'm glad I called" Linda's face showed no clear emotion, "You're doing so much right now, you're performing almost every night, spending hours on rehearsal, working out on top of that, your body needs energy and nutrients, Maria. Remember what happened on the last tour, you were hospitalized for a week, do you want to go through that again?" Linda stares at me wanly.

I shake my head, "No"

"Can you please eat something? Something healthy may be that you won't feel guilty indulging in?" Linda says, "Actually scratch that, you must be starving tell me honestly what are you craving right now?"

"Pasta" I reply within a second causing Linda's lips to curl up in a smile.

"Why don't you order some pasta, you're in a hotel after all?"

I haven't eaten anything in over 24 hours, I guess maybe I could justify a light pasta salad or something for myself, I have to work out again at night so I'll burn off the calories then. I smile at Linda, "alright".

....

I was waiting in the meet & greet room, I always get butterflies before the meet & greets, like the good first date type. I get so excited to meet them. The door opens and walks in a blonde girl who looks to be in her late teens, dressed in my merch head to toe walking towards me. She looked like she'd been crying.

"Hi!" I smile at her extending my arms and immediately she wraps me in her embrace.

"Oh my God, I love you so much, Hi" The girl sobs holding onto me.

I pull away from the hug and hold her by her shoulders, "You're so pretty, what's your name?"

"Jackie" She smiles at me, still crying.

"Aw Jackie please stop crying babe otherwise I'm going to start crying," I say, and Jackie chuckles.

"I love you so much, you have no idea how much you mean to me. You literally saved my life. Thank you so much" Jackie says crying harder.

My eyes start to get glossy as I pull her back for another hug, "Aw sweetheart". Almost instantly all my worries, doubts, and dejection disappeared away in that very second. This is why I do what I do. I love these humans so much.