I freak, you freak, he, she or it freaks, we freak

Monster Genetics - Lupin Lois

"What God did you offend?

When you're to be your best companion,

when you hunger for those who share you,

when your throat emits an untamed sound

you don't dare recognize?

How can you proceed in life?

When you meet first hand rage's possession

and you control not even your own hand?

When the dark world under the moonlight

is not ready for the sights of you?

How can you simply be?

when your reflection shows the unspeakable,

your father used to check for, under your bed?

or worst, you're dragged into the unthinkable

nightmare that wasn't yours.

How could your father pass to you

this damaged world on a silver platter

and believe he was giving you life?

How can you howl your way home?

Is there any of it, to find, left?"

A violent light hit my eyelids and forced my eyes to open abruptly, striking me in an agonizing sensitivity as if I had been crying forever. I woke up in a rush as if the air was finally filling my lungs at the end of a nightmare. My iris adapted lazily and the images captured started to focus. I rose too fast of my bed and felt lightheaded. I gazed at the window still numb towards life.

There was just a subtle light coming through the window. The beige curtains hanging on each side framed the outer picture of a perfect morning. Somehow my brain was still numb and flashes of thoughts similar to memories, yet perfectly impossible, hit my conscience. I jumped out of bed to face the mirror closely and investigate how ordinarily I resembled my everyday awaking self. I got dressed as fast as I could, flew down stairs and left that strange feeling home. I could just walk forever today, there was nothing holding me to any responsibility, of that much I could remember correctly. I considered the many options and opportunities this day held and resolved to get some serious sun hours. I just needed my swimming suite and Sonya, who would be ready as soon as I'd invite her. She was rushed with a simple text.

I went back home. Closing the door behind me I left behind all my peace, the incoherent nightmare reemerging. Something wasn't right and I didn't want to waste another second to find out what. I ran to my room, packing all I could need for a day at the beach. As I flew pass the corridor I could hear my mother calling and as a consequence my heart stopped, waiting in panic for the authorization to perform its beat.

-``Won't you have breakfast? Where're you going?'' - I forgot there is no escaping the motherly inquisition, still I couldn't understand my own reaction. Something stronger than my courage wanted me as far as possible from that kitchen and had I any less respect for that soft voice calling me I would have left with a ``No!''.

-``I am going to Sonya's, probably we'll go to the beach.''

-``Please eat before you leave.''

I entered the kitchen and my whole body shouted ``don't!''. My father was there looking at the tv while eating his pancakes. I forgot it was weekend, the whole country has the day off and mine wasn't the most original of the plans. I won't be able to go in a relaxing traffic-free environment to the beach. All my plans were ruined and I wondered if that was the inexplicable fear of my subconscious, probably an unprecedented overreaction to my thirst for vacations.

-``You have to eat a lot to keep your body strong, fluffy. Without strength you're just hairy, my father always told me.'' - My father just broke time.

Suddenly my whole weight fell on my knees, they trembled and a sharp pain took control of my head. The images I had been so successfully focusing on restraining in a distant unused part of my brain all came back to me and cursed me with the inescapable indigestible truth.

-``I am a...'' ... werewolf, the word was stuck in my throat clinging to any hope of contradicting itself. I shook my head, I could feel my strength abandoning me all the way to my feet into the ground and I was probably as white as the walls of that kitchen.

-``Yes, you are. Please dear just deal, 'cause you will have a lot to enjoy once you do. Besides you don't have the soft couching to fall into this time.'' - Everything moved too fast and too slow at the same time. Too fast for me to grasp it, too slow to make any sense. My father was suddenly holding my shoulders between his large hands and looking apprehensively to my distant eyes,

-``What happened? Yesterday?'' - I managed to spit out from my ghostly body.

-``Well, if you haven't been able to repress all of it... I swear, you look just as shocked as yesterday... just start by filling your stomach so we can talk without you passing out, will you.''

-``I passed out?''

-``Just eat, please?'' - he was the most caring man I ever seen him be, but an urge took control over me...

-``No, I want answers!'' - it was a stronger yell than I had expected, filled with all the rage I was feeling for my confusion.

He straightened his back to look at me very slowly from the top of his body and threw me the straightest look. I understood the warning, my disbelieve had taken me to the border line of insubordination and I had to get back fast if I wanted to get any where with him.

-``I need answers...'' - my voice echoed a weak despair and my eyes flooded. In my chest my lungs started to compress and expand slower as the rage was replaced by an enormous disorientation and despair.

-``Don't be like that. You have no idea of the fortune you just received. Please eat and I will show you the wonders of the world that is kept from most beings.''

-``Why didn't you tell me before? How could you keep this from me all this time?'' - I muttered mostly to myself as I was taken gently to my seat near the window. Two long arms steered me to the small kitchen bench and I sat in an automatic movement. Then my mother's hands appeared from the middle of nowhere holding a plate of pancakes. She dropped it on the table in front of me. My mind drifted to the sun touching softly my face from the outside of the kitchen window, abating my sorrow.

-``We are not supposed to... your mother shouldn't know. And it is complicated when only one in the couple is a therianthrope.''

I turned to my father with daring eyes. It would have been the first time he would have tried to obey rules this strictly.

-``Mum is normal?'' - My heart beamed with envy, I could have been normal... and blame, she could have chosen better.

-``But I wouldn't mind, I couldn't keep it from your mother even when we were dating. I just... You were so small when you were born, and then you couldn't speak... was I supposed to draw you a picture? Mama... Dada... wolfy..., I don't think that is pedagogic.''

I released an hysterical guffaw. I had no longer control over my emotions, in fact I didn't even feel the laughter come before I unleashed it. I didn't know what I was felling by then, or what was going on.

-``That's better. Then you learned to talk, but I wasn't going to show you the world of darkness and ruin your childhood... and you got older, but you always looked so innocent and young to me. I just couldn't, I was afraid you would fear me... run away from me.''

My heart contracted with compassion before my mind could grasp the meaning of it all, I hadn't thought about my father and how he worked hard so I could have a normal life.

-``But why wouldn't you trust me? didn't you think it would make it harder for me to find out about my... my.... my hairiness?'' - I wanted to use the kindest word in a attempt to reduce the pain I was inflicting, yet my imagination was still working one hundred per cent to comprehend what was going on.

-``You would find out eventually. I knew you wouldn't be hormone-free forever and even if you wouldn't have it in you, you would probably catch me sooner or later. So I asked your mother to bake the soap, it was an ancient family recipe. It would reveal whether you had the predisposition or not and if not you could continue life as it was for a little while longer.''

-``I don't understand. If you hadn't given me the soap I would be normal indefinitely?''

-``No, you would just be triggered naturally by other things. The difference is that you found out in a controlled environment. Besides, you were already showing some symptoms, like that 'growth clumsiness' the doctor talked about and your sight... although it is not very typical I am sure it is related.''

-``But, you weren't even here! I didn't have any idea! I could have exposed it all, I was thinking of going to the emergencies and...''

-``Don't be so dramatic, we were just around the corner. I knew you would call us first and if not, we weren't going to give you much time any way so we would arrive before the ambulance would. I don't think you could ask for better results actually.''

-``Mum, why did you leave?'' I turned to face her. She was looking at both of us with excitement as if I just entered college or so.

-``We couldn't stay, you would have asked too many questions and doubt the process. You would possibly even have a shower instead of a bath, so it wouldn't work at all. I remember the emphasis granny gave on this, ``you have to be in total relaxation, so you will let the synthetic adrenaline react...in a sharper way'' and a bunch of other hormones I never heard of before. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever heard of them afterwards either.'' - Her voice was twitching with eagerness and she looked at me so proud that my nerves started building up once more.

-``Are you crazy? Are you happy for me, is that it? Why are you so giddy?'' - I couldn't understand what came over me and I couldn't stop my own voice from rushing out my mouth and stabbing my mothers ears in front of my eyes. -``I am sorry.'' - came out too weak.

She was crying, but her lips still draw a smile and she answered with the sweetest voice. - ``It's OK dear, I know it is hard to control your temper once the... wolfy side of you'' - and she glanced at my father in a secret nod, though tears slid gently through her soft cheeks. Her green eyes were almost gone under her cheeks and the rain that rolled through them, but the smile was sincere.

I looked at my plate and decided to behave, eating my pancakes and avoiding the anxious pairs of eyes.

-``Well, there is so much you need to know. Like for instance, after you have transformed you will be edgy for a while and it is very important that you try and control yourself. You wouldn't want this to ruin your social life?!'' - I laughed at the irony from my father's words. I didn't know if it was more ironic the fact that he was concerned about my social life or if it was the fact that there was no ruining nonexistent things. I always found myself lonely. I had Sonya and she was a great friend, I realize that. But the rest of the people I knew, well, I simply knew them and that never felt enough. I longed for a group of emotional attachments and brotherhood.

-``...Your sight should come back ten times better, I guess you have noticed since you haven't put on your glasses...'' - I hadn't? No, I hadn't. Didn't even realize that until he mentioned it. I guess rushing against the truth makes you miss a few things.

-``You will feel the need for crudest meat, let's put it this way. And it is important that you don't oppose this urge, because you will only increase it and you don't want to be looking like a famished werewolf all of the student.'' - He rambled on and at the end I wasn't even listening. It was so much to take in, my head was already asking for a good night sleep. Nevertheless, the sun outside reminded me that I had a whole day to go through.

-``Dad, is there any where I can find something on this subject?'' I figured implying I would look everything up later would provide me free passage out of this twilight moment. Besides I had to find a more coherent source of information, one that would know where to begin and I didn't think google would do the trick.

-`` I am so glad you asked.'' - And a huge smile invaded his face as he took a small pile of paper sheets from his side and handed it to me. ``Please just sign these first.''

-``What do you mean? What is this?''

-``Just governmental procedure. Once we know you are a wolf we are obliged by law to report to the Development security and moral regulation ministry and to have you consent on some basics. You know, how you shall not include any human in the subject and you cannot phase in front of them and so on...''

-``No I do not know! It looks like you are trying to sell an insurance here. Could you please be specific?''

His grin continued despite my revolted reaction.- ``I could, but...didn't you just ask to have a paper source?'' - And his hands flew to the chair next to him under the table, bringing a huge pile of books to the top of the pile. My head started spinning and I felt some harsh feelings towards this man who shared his genetic burden with me and juts seemed to enjoy it a little too much.

-``What is wrong with you? You just told me I am a werewolf, that the nightmare I had yesterday is actually true and you can't help but smiling as you flush all these documents and books about this horrendous story at me!? Did I do something to you? Did I hurt you in another life?'' - I no longer knew when my too-high voice was replaced by a low hurt mumbling, but I could no longer look my father in the eyes. I could feel this was not his fault and he was solely being sadistic about it, or he really glimmered at the fact that I was a ``wolf''. My heart pounced unsteady in a frenetic tone. Tears ran down my cheeks meeting at my pending chin tip and I no longer cared for any of this. If I could just deal with this and go back to my life or wake up and not remember a thing... If I could just hide all this information that overwhelmed my brain into the apathetic state I felt in... If I could just escape this fate long enough for me to have a life, to have my life back... What could have changed in twenty four hours that could keep me from my ever expected path?... But I didn't have a path! I didn't have a plan! I did not choose my fate during all the opportunities I have had... Could it be that I knew all along I was a freak, that my future was far out of my understanding for me to plan any of it? Is it possible that a small part of my mind always flavored the moment knowing that tomorrow I could be dragged into a nightmare I couldn't escape? one that resided in my cells, in my DNA, in my forefathers?