Exams

Fear of anticipation - first stage of anxiety - by Triton Marmoon

Apprehensively extend unsteady fingers

confirm externalization of the beat I hear.

Heat waves tighten my lungs in hollow breaths

and quick sanded is the lock on my knees.

The moment approaches with inescapable aura

trapped on my own irrevocable stubbornness

my body ignored in the ambition to tame

this frightened drum that sounds the rhythm of life.

I focus on the increasingly distant instant

in which I look back at this nonsensical state

and laugh at my disproportionate frail disgrace.

Eyes travel to fruitful ground of conquest

that requires dominance over this, a test

which is the control of our spirits vehicle.

Autumn break gave us some time to catch up with the amount of information that was handed for few months. On rainy weekends, when the cold started to increase outside, we met in a small mall. Its long working hours provided here a silenced and yet comfortable environment to study, with lots of light space and a coffee reservoir. I had a project to finish with Akita. The Dark Knight and Sonya needed to study. And since misery loves company, we gathered our strengths and helped each others to focus on the aim of the tedious tasks. Akita arrived the latest and hardly prepared, he had to feed his parents' pack, which were in a farm distant from his house, where he woke already late. He brought his laptop, which allowed us to start. I had a pc, but never could convince my parents to spend much more on a laptop.

Thankfully subjects such as therianthrope history and anatomy were graded with group projects and presentations along the semester. So having these nightmarish subjects - to me these would always be the hardest - handled would scatter the weight of the semester. Convincing Sonya that the subjects were actually fiction, drama and the sort was surprisingly easy, considering she spent most of her time truly invested in devouring huge amounts of information.

-``Internet is free if we get something from the burger house, do you want anything?'' - The answer was more extensive than I expected.

-``One coffee and an apple muffin." - Akita answered with a beaming smile.

``One espresso and a dark muffin.'' - Sonya kept her eyes on her screen and her fingers flying speedily over the keyboard.

``A hot chocolate.'' - The Dark knight raised his head softly and answered laysily.

Some students from another table actually thought it funny to continue the list. - ``A mocaccino decaf with black chocolate and lemon pie.''

-``I'll help you.'' - With a chuckle, the Dark Knight stood up. He was always helpful, though he would ruin everything before you could fully appreciate his knighthood. - ``Before you get it all wrong.''

-``Nice. A person here trying to be helpful and this is what I get.''

We left the table and I regretted already how I emphasized so hard that I wanted nothing what so ever from Akita. Sonya was already laughing at his charm and I was already feeling this tight in my chest, partially because they would possibly be a good match. Even though that would be a wonderful thing, I couldn't shake the gloom.

-``Miss?'' - From behind the metal counter, an angular face under a disheveled brown thick mane stared at me with annoyance, probably repeating himself to me.

-``Oh. Yes. One coffee, an espresso and... '' - I looked into the showcase glad that there wasn't so much margin for error. - ``An apple muffin and a chocolate muffin.''

-``Thanks, hum?! You only forgot mine.'' - The Dark knight rose his chin diagonally away from me.

-``I thought that was what you were here for?'' - I put my tongue out and he just pouted. - ``You didn't come to be nice, did you?''

-``Are you saying that I am not?'' - He lowered his chin, opened his eyes wide and look at me from a recoiled face, but he had a too serious and hardened face to be taken lightly. I laughed at the attempt nevertheless and he was encouraged thereafter to poorly imitate cartoon expressions when the situation demanded.

Overall the time we four spent together was nice, and although it was hard to force work out off Akita, who's thirst for knowledge reminded me of a windmill, our spirits complemented each other. I still blushed when he touched me, but I would criticize him just as hard as I did the Dark Knight. Sonya enjoyed my acid drops and enlarged the pain with elegant efficiency. Then Akita would pull off his excessive charm and self-advertisement, that was not only bearable but endearing. The Dark Knight would keep his elite posture that contrasted with all he said. We all managed to say very important things covered in satire, sarcasm and plain comedy. The hardest part was to keep us on topic and not engage in brainstorms.

We all had our personal timetable so these moments weren't as long as I would have hoped for. If nothing else, the Dark Knight had trainings, Sonya and Akita had other group projects. And they all had other groups to study with. I, myself, would spend the rest of my time contemplating the heavy rain on my bedroom window and the heat radiated towards my feet, while the shewed pencil sprang periodically and agitatedly within my fingers. I had to maintain my train of thoughts on track, I had so much to study. I was starting to catch up with the lessons speed, though it was incomparable to that of high-school, I was able to follow them with ease. Now that I had to summarize all the knowledge and repeat the exercises, the list was never-ending... everlasting... infinite... There I was again, lost in nonsense!

Christmas came and went with the family and New years I passed with Sonya's friends. Akita and the Dark Knight were invited to better parties or with higher concentrations of alcohol, estrogen and pheromones. I didn't ask. I for once can't complain, though I am not very avid for parties. I could never understand the big deal of drinking beyond its taste, with the sole aim to be throwing it up on everything and everyone, and have your less dignified moments captured by a friends' camera to compensate your later memory loss. At least with Sonya's friends everyone was past that and had no need to either catch the spot light with their shameful performances, nor the curiosity to try something stupid. They all had been there, done that and started to enjoy simpler talk under ambient jazz and tasty refreshments.

I for one, can't say I ever lacked curiosity about a matter, still in all things concerning my health I could not find questions significant enough to endanger my well being. It is true that I mostly thought like a granny. I could not get myself, nor felt the need to try, to oversee the danger one night without conscious could inflict on the rest of my life. Even putting a side the most severe as the obvious health issues such as comas, AIDs and pregnancy, I could damage my self-image beyond repair, to a point I couldn't live with myself the next day... I could harm those around me with ideas I couldn't control... I could get myself into a situation hard to reverse... lose something without consideration I could not recover... as such the temptation was never too high for me.

Any way, exams started and we hardly had time to see each other anymore. Actually we hardly had time to breath. I would celebrate each exam taking the rest of the might off and would return to the routine the next day. Akita would celebrate them not showing up to take them in the first place, concerned about how much he still didn't know for it. Even in Gymnastics we had evaluations. We had to know some anatomy of each species, we had fitness and shape-shifting control tests. Only the Dark Knight had an easy time during examinations, his exams served as self-dispute. I dare say he enjoyed them a little too much. When he finished he would reconsider all his answers until he knew fairly well how much to expect from the results and to my surprise he was never too far off.

Me? Well, I started noticing a pattern. The week before an exam I could feel the tension growing. Since we had tests every week that meant very little rest. The day before I would be totally useless and in order to get some sleep I would try my best to decompress instead of studying. Then the actual day I would bite anything I could, I would even take a few carrots as a snack. I would be so jumpy by the time we would seat on a desk with the small heap of white sheets on their back, in thick suspense, awaiting the Professor's allowance to turn them over uncovering a new twist of stomach.

Adrenaline shot - second stage of anxiety - by Triton Marmoon

Feel the compression rising

on my combusting engine,

like a turbo button pressed

by the current happening.

The brain then fireworks

into chaotic overdrive,

kick that drops me almost

face down on rushing ground.

In that split of a second

that lasts a horrid century,

I force back the reins.

Focusing this flood of energy

into the eminent task ahead

that assaulted my head.

After the exam I could feel the toll it had taken on my body. My legs could hardly carry me home and my heart would finally silence its protest. I was useless once again and needed some form of chocolate engorgement to compensate.

Wave of relieve - third stage of anxiety, by Triton Marmoon

Tension cascades down the neck

shoulders all through heavy legs,

avalanche of a sand that has been

weighing me down with burden.

Vacuum replaces this drop

in an after echo of the shock,

legs deflated by stress of blood

are left without structure to hold.

Balloon head floats a migraine,

aimlessly it drifts ruler of none

in conflict duplicity of the outcome.

Celebrate the thick skin of endurance

or repudiate unseen extent of damage,

thus pick the numb wine to pour tonight.

By the time I got to the first round exam I had reviewed all the materials and had had no time for the exercises. The grades were really discouraging. I could understand why Akita didn't feel like engaging in this terrible experience. The exam itself showed me a few blind spots in my study, also from the first test to the second round test I would have the time to go through all the exercises. So, like slow drying cement the foundations seemed to find their ground and the results were much more satisfactory (that is as generous as I can put it).

At the end of the exams we had a week to get our minds at ease and start classes again. A week was barely enough to compensate for lost sleep and gain any energy. After all I had eaten like crazy while studying, I wouldn't move much other than my way to the exam and back and I would not vent my head even slightly, as if I feared knowledge to pour out. One week, in which specks of frozen water sprinkled the window and everyone was vegetating their way back to life wasn't the best vacations, nor were these the most social ones. I got to see a lot of my parents for breakfast/dinner and start a few pet projects, such as painting a picture with aquarelle pencils, or reading one of the many adventure books on my list.