Numbness

I sat in my room alone for hours, which became days, then became weeks. I barely spoke to anyone. It was very unusual, because I was always hyper and all over the place. Every now and then everyone needs to recharge, which it was very rare for me, because I had a lot of energy and never really needed to recharge myself up.Something was wrong with me, but I didn't know what was wrong. A sudden wave of pain and disgust washed over me. It felt like I was standing in the ocean as a huge wave just collapsed on my tiny figure.

It was different this time though, I couldn't even crack a fake smile. I looked so soulless and unhappy. I couldn't figure out what happened to me and what sucked the life out of me, but it was me for the moment. I never shut down like this, it was new to me just as much as everyone else. I've lost myself once again.

"Samira, come downstairs and eat dinner." I received a knock on my door, letting out a sigh and dragging myself down the steps. Usually, I don't bring my phone downstairs when I am called down, I don't see a point. I would just ignore them and play on my phone. I sat down at the table, looking at the three of them. I mouthed to my sister, 'what do they want'. She just shrugged her shoulders. It's unusual for them to call us to the dinner table, unless they had something they needed to talk about to the both of us. I am going to assume I am the one in trouble this time. "What's up?"

"Why have you been so quiet recently? Tell us what's going on." I shrugged my shoulders, not really wanting to talk about it. "The house has been quiet, maybe a little too quiet." I didn't know what to tell them, I didn't even know what was going on with myself. I blinked and stared at them quietly before speaking. "I don't know. I'm just not feeling myself. I will tell you guys when I know myself, I can't tell you what's wrong when I don't even know what's wrong with me." They stayed silent and still for a bit before nodding their heads, my other sister sitting there, not saying a word.

It had seemed they had dropped it, all of us laughing and eating dinner. We didn't do this often, so I like to enjoy it while I can. It was nice spending time with them, especially right now. I knew if I didn't pick myself back up, I would get back in a bad state. Like I said, it was different this time, I felt numb and I was forgetting everything. It wasn't simple things, it was everything. "I am going to go to bed now. Goodnight, love you guys." I smiled softly and waved, running up the stairs to my bedroom.

Right when I shut that door, I fell to the floor and sobbed. I don't understand what's wrong with me, I felt like I was drowning and no one was there to save me. I felt like I was alone and everyone despised me. I won't let it happen. I cannot lose myself again. What could the voices possibly want? I was happy a few days ago. It was like a switch, it happened so fast. What had to trigger it? "I don't get it. Could it be the nightmares?" I whispered to myself. "I mean, it could have be, but I always have them... every single night."

I wiped my tears, sighing deeply before standing back up. " Stop it Samira, I will not let you do this to yourself again. I won't let you give into the voices. Toughen up." I took a few deep breathes as I started cleaning up the mess I have created the past few weeks. My room never gets this messy, I don't understand how I let it get this messy in the first place.

After cleaning my room, I decided to stop procrastinating and get all my homework done. It wasn't going to get done itself. Homework usually takes me hours, because I always get distracted and never finish it. If I don't finish it, I am sure I can get answers from someone since I am always the one giving answers. It was mostly math that I really needed to focus on, but I can do it if I actually try.

The next morning, I woke up early and got ready for school. Yet, I somehow still managed to be late once again. "You're late again, huh?" My teacher raised an eyebrows taking the pass from my hand. I didn't say a word, instead I sat down at my desk and pulled out what I needed to pull out immediately. My first class is the longest period ever. Tonight, I might actually be more productive and study, maybe also workout? Clean the house too, that helps me keep my mind busy. Main goal is to stay distracted. You are not worthless Samira. You deserve happiness, don't let anyone say otherwise. What happened to you wasn't your fault. "Samira! I have called your name about four times now!" I jumped, my eyes meeting my teacher's angry ones. "I apologize uh sorry."

Soon enough, the bell rung. I rushed out that classroom as fast as I could. I knew he was going to want to talk to me after class, but I wasn't going to let that happen. I started to blast my music in my ears, walking to my next class and waving at my friends that passed me in the hallway. I just needed to keep my head up and hold myself together. I can't break apart, I'm not strong enough to put myself back together right now. So I am going to keep moving forward and not look back, I got this. I know I do.