chapter sixteen

I just knew this morning with River was too good to be true. For starters, all the high I got from kissing him has varnished and I'm now left to question every little thing.

Like, how could I moan like that?

How could I sound so desperate?

How did I let him just walk into my life and begin kissing me after four years of agony over what happened between us?

And a sleepover? Really?

I check the time to confirm it's actually nine forty two. By now I'm sure he knows I chickened out of the sleepover so I head straight to my room to get some sleep.

I may not even sleep tonight but I need to lay down. Something about thinking about River gets me dizzy.

I'm about to slide into my covers when I hear a knock on the door.

Assuming it's one of the maids or my mother, I dont bother with my cover up and walk to the door with only my shorts and a brallete that's meant to be my pyjamas.

"Wow!" River takes a step back when I open the door and I immediately feel very exposed with how his eyes roam my body.

As if noticing how I try to shy away from his gaze, he drops his eyes and sighs.

"I'm sorry," he rushes out and then steps towards me. "I'm meant to be really mad at you for not showing up like you should have but-" he trails off and then pinches the bridge of his nose.

"I'm sorry. I just thought that maybe you changed your mind now that you're sob-"

"I wasn't that drank or I wouldn't have kissed you. I wouldn't do any thing I wouldn't remember with you."

I stare at him for a second before opening the door wider for him to step in.

"Sorry." I whisper and try to walk away from him. I shouldn't have let my thoughts run wild and deprive myself of being with him.

But I'm also cautious. What if this turns into more and I end up getting hurt again?

"No need to be," River assures gently. "It's okay if you're scared or if you don't trust me enough to want to be close again. Just talk to me about it. I'll work through it."

"I really just thought you changed your mind," my voice is low that I don't know if he hears me.

"Come here," River calls gently and takes me into his arms when I step close to him, "Do you like kissing me?" he asks.

Uneasily, I nod. maybe I shouldn't let him know how much of a lady hard-on he gives me everytime he's around.

"I like it too. Just kissing, until you're ready for more. We'll talk about everything. Tell me your limits because I don't want to push you too far until I lose you, okay?"

"Okay." I agree and immediately sag into him when he kisses my temple and hugs me close to him.

Will I ever have limits with him? It feels like there isn't anything that's stopping me from jumping him. The only thing holding me back is the fear of getting hurt.

"I believe you owe me a sleepover?" he says, his chin on top of my head making his breathe tickle my scalp which sends shivers down to places that aren't meant to shiver.

"Sure, I was just about to go to bed."

"And that's why I was losing my head. Cuddles?"

"You hate cuddling," I frown at him and he shakes his head, his eyes becoming a bit darker.

"Wouldn't you like to know," at my confused frown, he chuckles, "Bed. Now. We're going to cuddle." he says leading the way to my room and I follow with a small smile.

Another sight that might just strip me of my sanity is the sight of River in my bed, holding up my covers as he waits for me to crawl in next to him.

"You're giving me a look." he says with a very cheeky grin once I settle next to him.

Having to close my eyes, I let myself calm down a little before turning to him, tucking my hands beneath the pillow my head is placed on.

It's unbelievably hard to breathe easily even though we're not even touching.

"What look?" I ask confused.

"I don't know," he shrugs and reaches to run a long slender finger across my cheek which makes my breathe come out choppy.

I'm gonna have a heart attack before this night ends.

"Can I ask you something?" River hums in agreement as he continues to follow the motion of his finger across my face until he stops near my bottom lip.

The reminder of our kiss this morning causes my question to melt away and I have to beg my brain to work.

"Is this because of what you told your mom?"

"What do you mean?" he gives me a gentle yet confused look and he is just so cute without trying.

"You told her you were trying to get me back. Is this what that is?"

A small smile runs across his lips and he shakes his head slightly before shifting a little to get close to me.

"My mom almost laughed when I told her you rejected my ass last night. She even wanted to know what I did to upset you," his finger rubs a little fiery trail across both my lips and I can't help but part them as a small sigh escapes me. "Are you okay with this? The kissing and sleepovers? I feel like I'm going too fast but I really want you."

I'm stuck at his admission of wanting me. How exactly does he want me? The same way I want him?

I guess if he is really making an effort to start something new between us with all this conviction then we can forget the past. Call it a fluke or a bump in the road and never go back there.

"I'm still getting used to it," I tell him honestly and he smiles, reaching for my bun and releasing my hair from it. "It'll get tangled River!" I scold him and reach to try and place my hair back but he holds my hands away from my head.

"I'll brush it for you if it does." he says quietly and I know better than anyone else that the glint in his eyes is a sign that he's about to lean in and kiss me. "I've wanted you back since I first heard you were coming home." His eyes don't stray away from mine as I feel his fingers in the thickness of my hair. "I've wasted so much time." he says as if reprimanding himself.

"We're here now."

"Just a heads up that I'm not letting you go."

"We're not-"

River chuckles and shakes his head. "Let's go to sleep. You have work tomorrow and I have the very important task of distracting you while you work."

"Aren't you supposed to be working too?"

"Not when I have to spend as much time with you as possible. I'll be working in your office tomorrow."

"Riv-"

"You're not winning this one, barbie."

I immediately let out my displeasure of the childhood nickname in the form of a loud groan before I try to shift away from him.

"I thought you agreed you weren't to call me that ever again." I grumble.

"Did we?" he mocks a frown and pulls me against his chest. "Since I don't remember agreeing to that I'm just gonna ignore your protests. Go to sleep." he kisses the top of my head once more and straightens the covers around me. "Goodnight."

I can't help but note that he hasn't tried to kiss me ever since he came in. Sure there was that one close moment but he didn't make a move.

Should I panic? Ask him what the plan for the other three kisses is? Just ignore it and wait for him to make a move?

Putting my worry to rest, I decide to let myself trust him. He came up with the plan, he'll go through with it. And if not, the least I can do is not sleep with him like I did last time.

I cringe at the last snarky thought and snuggle in further into his chest as if to chase the distrust away.

"Goodnight." I whisper into the T-shirt he's wearing and close my eyes tightly.