A Pain Of The Soul:

My current state is very futile compared to a time when I thought I was becoming a vegetable so my mind was invaded.

First shock: my father picks me up and takes me to the room opposite mine. Inside was gathered my mother and my 3 sisters. My father looks at us, he suddenly announces that our grandmother has cancer and that she will have an operation soon.

Second and last shock: I come out of a judo competition, we eat with my father at a fast food restaurant and he tells me once in the car that she died last night.

She was someone who always took great care of me, someone I considered like my second mother, someone I had a hard time seeing go. This kind of pain is a pain that pierces the soul, for evenings I have not stopped crying repeatedly, also comes to me in the evenings, when the barrier put in place to fight against this sadness breaks, the tears flow all by themselves, unrestrained. Even today when I write these lines, I feel the barrier weakening and a salty taste surprises my mouth. It's especially since that day that I became someone else, I couldn't bear to see these people smile when she was gone, I was jealous of what he hadn't lost, I I was angry with the whole world for taking it away from me, when it had given so much for others.

I blamed myself too, for not having realized its importance until it disappeared. There I really understood the phrase "we only realize the value of something when we have lost it".

I also now understand the villains in the stories/movies who go crazy after such a loss. Today I had a piece of advice would be to stop blaming yourself, to maintain the grave and the memory of the deceased and above all to do a lot of work to remember this person with happiness and not sadness. So if you still can, tell that person I love you one last time, before they leave.

To add to my worries, I have 2 problems: 1. I'm addicted to food and 2. I'm diagnosed with kleptomania (I can't stop myself from stealing something when I'm somewhere).

You see the thing happen, I was robbing the drawers of my house and each time I took the most stinging beating that could exist. The good daron pie on repeat, I couldn't feel my cheeks and my legs at the end, but that didn't stop me from doing it again.

I'm also not proud to tell you that I've never been caught in stores, despite the countless times I've done so because of my disorder. But I must say that adrenaline brings an emotion to me that makes me feel alive, even if I will end up in hell for it.

I am alone as a friend but also in love. It seems that I have no success with girls both physically and socially. Despite having a fairly athletic build, my appearance is a 3 on a scale of 10.

I don't have a lot of humor, I hate drinking alcohol and going out to clubs, I like tranquility and romance, I like the exaltation of feelings that each other provokes in us, but I believe that my generation base + on a one-night stand just to have fun.

I'm + the not fun guy, outdated grandpa mentality. I cooled my heart and got past these kid things, good for gossip of a kid in primary school, "olala so and so is in crush on you", when I think about it it makes me laugh. But hey, how can you say anything bad about something you've never experienced and experienced. I don't even know what we do when we're in a relationship and I criticize. I think I've become a big hater.