97. Chapter 97

After One Life to Lose

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this! Rating: K Time: See above and below.

Summer 2015

Richard Castle nudged his wife, who was sitting beside him on the couch. "Are you ready for bed?"

She nodded. "Just about. I want to watch just a couple of more episodes of Temptation Lane. Being a cop, I've missed a lot of episodes over the years. I'm glad you bought the complete series for me." She leaned over and kissed Rick.

"I'd to anything for you." he whispered.

"I know, and I love you for it."

"Aha! You're only after my money! How Temptation Lane of you. You should give up being a cop and write for the soaps."

Kate looked like she was seriously considering his proposal, then she shook her head. "No, it would take too much time away from the real reason I married you." Her hand snaked to his crotch and she gave him a gentle squeeze. "I'll be in shortly, babe."

Kate hit "play" and began to watch another episode of Temptation Lane. However, she was more tired than she thought. Soon her head started drooping and she was soon asleep.

Katrina Bechet tossed her blonde locks and smiled an evil smile. "At last." She chortled, "Revenge will be mine. I'll bed the husband of my, oh, so sweet, twin sister and my revenge will be complete when I, not Kaitlin, bears the first born of Ricardo Castello. My child will be the heir and the prophecy will be fulfilled." She laughed maniacally. No, really, it really was maniacal.

Her paramour, and some said, familiar, Doctor Jess smiled as well. Soon he could leave this cold hearted manipulator and return to his true love, breast enhancement surgery. However, he was careful not to reveal his own nefarious plans. "Yes, my own true love. Soon it will all be ours. What is the prophecy again?" He asked, requiring plot exposition.

"The first born of the twentieth generation of the Clan Castello will bear forth the ring that will rule them all." Right on cue, she laughed maniacally.

Suddenly they heard a door slam. "It's Ricardo!" Cried Katrina. "Quick! Hide in the closet." She demanded imperiously.

Dr. Jess just stood there. "In the closet? Are you questioning my manhood?"

Katrina gave him the patented Bechet glare and he did as he was told.

But, alas and alack! It wasn't Ricardo Castello come home to stately Castello Manor, but his brilliant, but somewhat odd daughter, Alexandra. "Come, Ashley." She said to the odd young man following her.

She spied Katrina, dressed for seduction in a chain mail bustier and plaid hot pants. "What are you doing here?" She demanded of Katrina.

"None of your business, child." Katrina said nastily.

Alexandra smiled coldly. "Sic 'em, Ash." She commanded.

Ashley, smiled, causing his rotting flesh to tear around the mouth.

Seeing the zombie approach, Katrina pulled out the katana she had secreted between her boobs and sliced Ashley's head off.

"Drat!" Cried Alexandra! "Now how will I get a date for the prom?"

Katrina laughed. "Try building another one. I'll even give you some spare parts." Katrina opened the closet door and out stepped a giant Kodiak bear, holding one of Katrina's former lovers in his mouth. Some rascal named Schlemming, or something. Anyway, no one important. Alexandra exits, pursued by a bear.

Hark! There is someone else at the door. This must be Ricardo. Katrina flips her blonde curls once again. However, it is again not the ruggedly handsome master of stately Castello Manor, but only Juan Esposo, the Castellos' faithful wine steward who suffers from the burden of knowing that he is the illegitimate offspring of Ricardo's insane twin brother, Richmond, who, thought to have been lost when an iceberg hit his yacht, was washed up on the seacoast of Bohemia, to be nursed back to health by the famous Doctor Lani, who was switched at birth with the son of one Dark Matter. Yes, Lani he is your father! Doctor Lani, betrothed from birth to an odd chap with a sonic screwdriver and a really cool ride, was unable to resist the ruggedly handsome, but totally insane, former yachtsman. Juan was the result. Unable to bring his illicit love back to the US due to visa problems, Richmond instead gave her a great deal of money. This, unfortunately, led to Juan being teased at school and referred to as, Juan for the money.

"Que pasa, chica?" Juan asked. Oddly, Juan, who was born in Bohemia, spoke only in Spanish. How odd. Perhaps someone will come up with a rational explanation of this in a fanfic.

"Ou est la plume de ma tante?" Katrina raged, trying her only Romance language.

"Voulez vous couche avec moi ce soir?" Said the daring Bohemian.

However, the door opened once again, revealing Victoria, the former wife of the second cousin by marriage to Doctor Lani. As Juan's only more or less relative, she had taken a position with Ricardo Castle as Alexandra's nanny solely to keep an eye of Juan. Seeing that Katrina had her eyes on Juan, Victoria began to croon the old Bohemian nursery rhyme that Juan's own mother had lulled him to sleep with so many years ago.

Is this the real life?Is this just fantasy?Caught in a landslide,No escape from reality.

Open your eyes,Look up to the skies and see,I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,Because I'm easy come, easy go,Little high, little low,Anyway the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me.

As she sang, Juan slowly started to back away from Katrina, back to his small cubby hole in the wine cellar. As he did so he was overwhelmed by flashbacks to those air assaults, coming in over the blue ocean with that music playing, and the bearded man yelling, "Keep moving. Keep moving! Don't look at the camera!"

This was odd, as Juan's only time in uniform was when he was ten and his mother had insisted on sending him to school for Halloween costume day dressed as Naughty Nursie. Even since Juan had loved to wear white nylon hosiery with a blood red garter belt.

The door opened again and there stood the ruggedly handsome Ricardo Castello! But wait! In a stunning plot twist, there beside him stood his gorgeous wife, Kaitlin, recently freed from her imprisonment in the sewers of Paris by four large and powerful turtles.

"My evil twin!" Kaitlin gasped. "What do you want?"

Katrina laughed maniacally. (She does that a lot, doesn't she? Too much?) "To bear your husband's child, of course."

The door opened again and in walked Ricardo's flame haired ex, Merry Ditzy. She glanced at Ricardo, Kaitlin and Katrina, and snickered. "Really, Katrina? A chain mail bustier and plaid hot pants? That is just so…late 90s." She turned to Ricardo, "Let me show you how it's done, Puddy Tat." She tore off her dress to reveal that she was wearing a see-through body stocking underneath with a lovely pair of ruby red slippers. Kaitlin put her hands over Ricardo's eyes. Luckily, Ricardo was able look down at the highly polished silver belt buckle he'd won at the Texas prison rodeo for brahma bull riding when he'd been wrongly convicted of smuggling Kenny G. CDs over the border from Mexico. Ricardo sighed. He often missed the sex he'd had in the prison, especially during his first four years with Kaitlin. He could see Merry Ditzy's near-perfect ass in the reflection. Not as good as Kaitlin's. He thought.

Alas, Katrina dropped a house on Merry Ditzy, causing the red slippers to spring to Katrina's feet.

"Ding dong, the Twinkie's dead." Pronounced Katrina.

No! I have no idea how Katrina dropped a house on Merry Ditzy inside stately Castello Manor. Look, the Castle writers get away with writing stories with holes in the plot you could drive a truck through. Give me a break! Do you think writing this stuff is easy?

Meanwhile, back at stately Castello manor, Katrina was approaching Ricardo. Then the door opened and yet another character entered. Really, the boy ought to have a revolving door installed.

"Not so fast, lass." Cried a slender Irish fellow, dressed in a black duster that covered him from chin to knees.

Katrina, laughed. "Francis Xavier O'Ryan. Do you think you can stop me?"

"Sure an' that's what O'im here for. To stop the likes o' ye."

Katrina looked at him coldly. "You forget. I know your secret. You're a disgraced ex-priest who moonlighted as a gunman for the Irish Democratic Army. You were booted out of both organizations for your involvement with a Bohemian hooker who went by the name of Naughty Nursie. Act against me, and I'll tell the world."

A cry of anguish issued from Juan's cubby in the wine cellar. F.X. O'Ryan crossed himself. "Sorry, bro. Didn't mean to let that one slip out." Then O'Ryan opened his black duster to show that he was dressed in the blue and gold uniform of the Papal Swiss Guard. "Colonel Francis Xavier O'Ryan, Papal Special Forces, at your service, Katrina. Will ye come quietly?

Well, everyone who knew Katrina knew that she came loudly, and by way of an answer, she drew her katana. However, Colonel O'Ryan drew his sidearm and unerringly shot a stream of holy water into Katrina's cleavage. She slowly dissolved and her ruby slippers went to Kaitlin feet.

Slowly, Doctor Jess edged out of the closet. "I'm coming out of the closet."

"Too late. Everyone knows." Commented Ricardo. Really? Such a snide comment from a metrosexual.

Doctor Jess quickly left stately Castello manor, but once outside the door, they heard the dreaded, "Beep! Beep!" Followed by a loud crash. A coyote stuck his head around the door and waved bye-bye. Doctor Jess had fulfilled his destiny.

They turned to O'Ryan. "Does this mean that the prophecy will come true?" Ricardo asked. "Our first born will hold the one ring that will rule them all?"

O'Ryan sadly shook his head. "Sadly that legend arose from the writings of Saint Abelard of the Poor Penmanship, the patron saint of Spellcheck. It's actually "One ring will rule the mall." It refers to the key ring for the old Papal Mall. It was damaged in the sack of Rome by Charles V's troops in 1527 and is still being renovated. You have no idea what it's like getting building permits through the Vatican bureaucracy."

"Even so, "Said Kaitlin, "we should get to work making little Castello babies. So how do we get to the bedroom, Ricardo?"

O'Ryan pointed to her ruby slippers. "Just tap your heels together three times while saying, "There's no place like home."

Kaitlin did that and to her surprise, she was wafted into the air.

Kate woke up to find she was being carried into their bedroom by Rick.

"You fell asleep, Kate. " He whispered in her ear.

"Thank you, Ricardo." She murmured sleepily.

Ricardo? Castle thought.