The Monologue of Anastasia Novan

My name is Anastasia Novan. I am the Marchioness of Novan. One of the wealthiest noble families in all of Assenav.

I have everything any woman my age could dream of.

Wealth, a kind husband and adorable children.

But I am in constant pain. A pain that robs me of my peace of mind and leave me restless for hours. Unable to sleep, eat or rest. And for the past twenty seven years I have never known peace.

I've been plagued by the worst thing a person can experience 'a guilty conscience'

Not that I am undeserving of it. I wholeheartedly accept this burden I have to live with. It's what scum like me deserves. I only wish I could go back in time and change the decision I took back then. The decision that ultimately destroyed the life of my younger sister Melody.

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10th of June Year 1023

That was the day I betrayed my sister. It was the day that I was willing to become a monster just for the sake of my own happiness.

I get sick just thinking about it. There was no excuse for what I did. I shouldn't be trying to justify what I did. Be it for the sake of happiness or not.

The 10th of June.

It was also the day I had my coming of age ceremony. I still remember it well.

Back then I was in spotlight when it came to beautiful noble women. I was polite, knowledgeable and most of all beautiful. Everyone loved me.

My fellow girls wanted to be like me and every man wanted me. And I didn't shy away from all the attention I received.

I loved it, I loved the praise and adoration I was showered with. I was spoken about in several noble groups and received so many marriage proposals I had to sift through twenty in a day. 

Thinking back if I hadn't been so proud and pompous and I had acted modestly and kept my head low then I certainly wouldn't have caught the attention of 'that man'

Grand Duke Vincent Henderson

He came from Aendesia asking for my hand in marriage. From the moment I laid eyes on him. Every inch of my body told me 'Don't have anything to do with him' He had the same crimson hair my niece had and red piercing eyes that threatened to peer into the depths of my soul. A cold and calculated gaze that made me feel inferior simply by being in his presence. I knew instantly the moment I met him that I didn't want to be near this man again. So I downright refused his proposal as politely as I could. How foolish of me to assume that that would be the end of it. The pertinacious duke of Henderson simply doesn't take no for an answer. I still recall the words he said to me when I turned him down.

"Your agreement on this matter is of little interest to me. I will have you whether you approve or not"

Slowly, little by little the marriage proposals began to reduce in number. Till they all dried up and none were left. I knew he had something to do with it. No young man would dare to look me in the eye nonetheless approach me. I was 'marked' even though we hadn't even been engaged or had a public acceptance of the proposal been demonstrated. I was already considered his property. And no one was willing to challenge the duke.

No one apart from my darling Evander.

He was the only one brave enough to comfort me in my time of sorrow. The only one still brave enough to submit a marriage proposal when all the others had run away.

At the offer of his marriage proposal I jumped for joy. At least with this that man would finally leave me alone.

But I couldn't have been more wrong.

That man beat him till he was at the brink of death. And warned him never to come close to me again. I was losing my mind. How could he do something like that?!

To someone who can't even fight against him.

I became dispirited. I knew it was going to be long before he would demand a public acceptance of his proposal. I wasn't going to let that happen. I wasn't going to sit around and have him control me. I was going to resist him as much as possible.

I still remember his face when I told him off.

"You can threaten those around me. But I can assure you I will never become your belonging or property. I'm going marry whomever I want. Your agreement on this matter is of 'no' interest to me"

He seemed shocked and almost taken aback. And I felt happy and invigorated but that was a fleeting feeling.

"Just try it" he said in a tone that sent shivers down my spine. I felt all my earlier courage leave my body.  I could tell from the glare in his eyes that what I had said had angered him. Using his mana he forced me unto my knees and I felt like I was dying, I found it difficult to breathe and I couldn't raise my head to look at him. Eventually he released me and went on his way leaving me a single warning "Don't annoy me"

Every day after that was tiring. That man had become an oppressive force in my life even when he wasn't around. I felt afraid. Afraid that I was unknowingly doing something that would displease him. Afraid of his anger. That man had managed to instill a fear of him in me that I didn't think was possible. I stopped attending social gatherings and I became withdrawn. I rarely ate and I confined myself to the mansion.

But I knew it was pointless once my coming of age ceremony had passed. He would definitely come for me.

I was trapped and had no way out.

Till one day that all changed. I overheard some servants talking about me and I subconsciously eavesdropped on them.

And what I learnt left me shaken.

They had been paid by the duke to spike my drink at my coming of age ceremony. The plan was simple, I was to be given the spiked drink and when I became dizzy I was to be lead to a room where the duke would be waiting and there he would have his way with me. I couldn't believe it. So what I said earlier had actually gotten to him but in that case.

Why would he go to such extremes?

I already knew the answer to that. Because by doing that I would have become a 'used woman' someone else's rejected property and no man would want me. Defiled, blemished and impure no one will take me as their bride effectively making sure no one could marry me again.

I'd like to blame what happened next on my state of mind but that's just an excuse. I was aware of what I was doing I was also aware of how cruel my actions were but at that point in my life. All I wanted was salvation. A way to solve all of my problems in hopefully in one go.

On the day of my coming of age ceremony. I made sure that Melody and I were wearing the exact same clothes. And our hair was done in the exact same style that way it would be impossible for anyone to tell us apart.

From the beginning of the party till the end I kept my eyes on the duke waiting for him to move. And he did finally leave the room. I knew instantly that the plan was underway.

A servant came up to me offering me a drink but I acted like my sister and drove him away. I watched him wade over the room to my sister and offer her the drink. At that moment I should have done something. I should have protested or even slapped the drink away from her but I just wanted my ordeal to be over. I watched as a few minutes later she inevitably became dizzy and that same servant lead her away.

Rather than feeling relief I felt a great sense of guilt. What I had done was wrong. My sister didn't deserve what was going to happen to her. But I did nothing and I stayed in my position.

I had realized that even if I did expose this plot that man was still going to take me. And my wicked mind had ultimately decided to push that fate onto my sister.

We didn't find her until the next morning. She laid on the floor curled up crying. Judging by the state of her dress. It was easy to tell what had happened to her. My father was grief stricken and my mother was inconsolable. Pained that her child had to go through such. And when my sister managed to remember who assaulted her. They were in shock when they realized that I was meant to be the original target.

My father refused to allow the duke near us. And rumors quickly spread. But they weren't against the duke, they were against my sister. Rumors that she'd been jealous of the attention the duke was giving me and as such seduced him. Melody from birth had always been an audacious child and these rumors were based on that.

I figured it'd be a couple months and all the rumors would eventually die down. But once again I'm never right.

What I hadn't thought about or hadn't even considered was Melody getting pregnant. But after a few weeks symptoms began to manifest. And gossip artists quickly went to work. It didn't take long for the duke to catch word of Melody's pregnancy.

He came and forcefully took her. Despite my father's protest and my mother's cursing. Before he left he looked at me one last time before saying "Well done" As if he'd known what I'd done. And as mysteriously as he came he left.

I was free of that man but at what cost? The price of my sister's freedom and happiness?! I was selfish but in my selfishness I was at least able to gain a bit of my happiness back.

But that doesn't mean I'm free from guilt. After all joy experienced at another person's sorrow leaves a bitter taste on one's tongue.