C29: Vaughn

[ Monday, October 31 ]

My eyes opened as the bright morning light poured from the window of my room. Even if I just woke up, I don't feel strength from my sleep. It gives me the reason to sleep longer or even do this for an entire day.

I turned my head to my left, noticing a tape that covered a needle pierced in my skin on top of my left hand. I followed my gaze from the needle to the tube where it's connected in, which led me to the clear bag of dextrose hanged on a metal stand. I'm in a hospital?

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to remember the fragments of memories of what happened last night. The last thing I remember was the time when I was talking to Shawn but my vision doubled and I had that migraine once again. It's not something new, it happened many times already. But bringing me in a hospital is, I believe, too exaggerated.

I pulled out the needle from my skin and detached the dextrose completely. The area where the needle was pierced began pouring out blood that flowed to my finger. I wiped my bleeding hand with my white blanket, which left some smears of blood on it.

The door slightly opened, and I focused my eyes on it to see who's coming in. Sasha peeked and our eyes met. Without any hesitation or emotion from her face, she entered without saying any word at all – not even a knock. She stepped inside and put her bag down on one of the chairs and walked towards me who's still on the bed.

I don't really know what to feel whenever I see her. Amethyst mentioned that things are all fine between the three of them, but whenever I see Sasha, I can't help but remember all the trouble that she's caused. The endless bugging from her every day, her rudeness during our recent dinner and of course, that kiss that almost took everything away from me. I managed to avoid her because seeing her fills my head nothing but bad thoughts and regret and it reminds me of what I felt when

Amethyst was gone – I felt nothing but worthless.

"I'm sorry if I didn't knock. I thought you were still asleep," Sasha pressed her lips together and looked down, her hands squeezing the hem of her shirt. "I have a class later, but I dropped by here to take the chance to talk to you about everything. I just want to … fix things."

It took her a long time to finally realize that she needed to do this. I can't say that I'm not impressed since she managed to swallow all her pride for this moment to happen. However, she can't look at me straight in the eyes, for her eyes are focused on her feet.

"I want you to look at me in the eyes when you tell me your words," I said plainly, refraining from being demanding. Sasha looked up at me, her eyes communicate the hint of fear and nervousness from her heart.

Sasha looked up at me and our eyes met. "I want to apologize for everything," she began, gulping. "I know that I've been a troublesome girl who bugs you every day since I just … loved you too much, I can't help but seek your attention, knowing how much you care about me and everyone else." Tears began rolling down her cheeks and she pressed her lips together to stop herself from breaking down. She holds on tight to the hem of her shirt, her hands shaking.

"Moreover, the biggest mess that I did. I was too carried away with my feelings, and I followed what I felt without thinking. I know how shattered your heart was when Amethyst had gone missing, because above all the worst issues, missing is harder because you have no idea if the person is still alive, dead, kidnapped or whatsoever. I can't blame you for thinking about her probably every minute of every day. I'm no longer expecting you to forgive me, but I at least did my part of apologizing because it's the right thing to do. In fact, saying those made me feel a big relief in my chest."

What she said were all right. I've been thinking about Amethyst for almost an entire day wondering how she's doing or where she was. My thoughts killed me every day, and my worries even haunted me in my dreams. I can't afford to be too emotional about everything, which made me express all my pains and feelings in composing songs. Playing the piano as I compose songs for Amethyst is something that my heart cherishes. The best part is when I see her wide grin whenever she hears those songs that I wrote for her. She plays the piano also, which made her appreciate my music even more.

I couldn't find the right words on how to react to Sasha's apology. The damage was too much for it killed me mentally and emotionally, and every day felt like a torture.

She said it herself. My heart was shattered into thousands of pieces. I was so done in life when Amethyst was gone. The rage and hatred inside me are too much to handle, and I can't imagine myself forgiving her after what she's done.

However, I do know that forgiveness is the key to begin healing.

Everyone does mistakes, and most of the time, they do not know that what they're doing. Even other people – not just her – kept on doing what's wrong or what they think is right, without knowing how damaging it can be for all they're concerned of is what will make themselves happy.

It's hard to forgive and forget, but I believe it's time. She learned her lesson, and I have learned my lesson too that I shouldn't make someone as my world. Amethyst is important and she's a part of me which is true, but my world shouldn't revolve around her.

I heaved a breath and sighed, my eyes closed, weighing my options.

If God can forgive sinners, how much more that I'm only a human?

"I forgive you," I replied, which made me feel empty after. "However, I cannot forget what you've done. I need a little more time to process things about how to remove all the tension whenever we talk, but for now, that's what matters."

A sad smile crept on Sasha's lips and she nodded in agreement. With one last look, she turned her back and left the room.