[80.3] A Grief that Can't be Explained

[Author's note: This part of the chapter is back to Reika's perspective.]

I was suddenly startled in my sleep, a burning sensation exploding through my ears.

An unconscious scream ripped through my throat. I stumbled out of bed, tears pouring down my cheeks despite no explanation for doing so.

Zephyr sat up in a panic, but I didn't have time to soothe him.

I was running out of the door, ignoring my appearance as I felt a terrible pain ripping through my chest.

Something's wrong!

Something's very wrong!

Asmonious was already in the courtyard, his expression taut and pale as he cried out.

"Master! It's him!"

I knew exactly what he meant and summoned my ice chunk.

He jumped on just as I soared toward Lovi and Bale's home. Lene stood in the courtyard staring up, her blind eyes glistening in confusion. She suddenly turned around and cried out, "Rose! Atta!"

The children gathered in the courtyard to watch in confusion as I soared off at the fastest speed I could do.

As the scent of blood reached my nose, I jumped off my ice chunk without even slowing down. I fell as soon as I landed but quickly scurried up to run to the three bodies. 

Time started to slow down.

Three lifeless bodies lay on the ground in front of me. Koale was lying face down, his body so still it was as if he was just sleeping. Bale wasn't too far away from him, a single dagger was stabbed into his back seemingly through his heart. Lovi was a bit farther from them and when I saw her…

My mouth went dry.

Asmonious landed behind me and cried out, "Lovi! Koale! Bale!?"

As I took in a pained breath, the area was covered in a mysterious black smoke. I was silently thankful the mist covered her body as I quickly realized she had endured a terrible backlash.

Asmonious knew I couldn't handle the trauma, so he ran over to Lovi, "LOVI!"

As he checked Lovi's vital signs, I ran over to Koale and pushed him over, "Koale-"

I froze when I saw just what they had done to him.

Unable to take it, I leaned over and hurled up my food, vomiting while sobbing. My body trembled as I forced out, "H-How is Lovi…"

"I… I can't feel a heartbeat."

"...Same for Koale." Tears stung my eyes, "A-And the baby?"

My heart seemingly stopped beating as he whispered, "It's… Gone."

Gone…

The baby's gone…

I felt memories of a past life starting to take over as the char started spreading up my skin.

A small breath reached Asmonious's ears. He spun around, "M-Master wait! I think Bale is still alive!"

The char stopped growing as a desperate hope started replacing my despair. I forced myself to put away the terrible images and rubbed my mouth, "H-How is that possible!? That's a holy dagger-"

Asmonious picked the dagger up, revealing that it wasn't a full dagger.

"It looks like someone only stabbed it in to give the impression that he was stabbed. It only cut the surface of his skin, but it didn't pierce him. He's… He's still alive!"

I stared at the dagger in shock.

That knife…

I've seen it before…

It was the one embedded into Rose.

"Asmonious. We might be able to save them. I-If Bale is still alive then m-maybe-" I bit down on my lip, forcing myself to believe my lie. "Maybe Koale and Lovi are alive too. We need to hurry them to the medicinal matriarch."

As I summoned the ice chunk, he was already loading up their bodies. We soared to the village at top speed. He held them, ensuring they didn't fall off from the fast speed. I flew straight to the huts where I screamed, "MATRIARCH!"

She heard the urgency in my voice and rushed out, "Great Fairy?!"

Seeing the three bodies, she wasted no time and summoned the rest of her family. I could only watch as they grabbed each one and brought them inside to operate quickly. I tried to follow, but I was held back. 

"Great Fairy. You'll only get in the way."

I clenched my jaw, feeling powerless as they disappeared with the matriarch.

I spent the rest of the time pacing back and forth, waiting for any news. My feet made prints in the ground from my restlessness. Each step burnt the grass, turning it into ash.

Asmonious stood beside me, his eyes staring off into space as if he were trapped inside his mind.

Finally, the matriarch walked out of the hut, her expression grave. She took off her bloodied gloves, "There's a chance Bale might live."

My heart lifted with hope, "And Lovi and Koale?"

She shook her head slowly, "Lovi suffered a backlash and Koale… The injuries were just too severe."

I collapsed to my knees. 

I could still see their limb and bloodied bodies in my head.

Asmonious stepped forward, his voice cracking in desperation, "The baby? What happened to it?"

"The baby…" The Matriarch pressed her lips together, "Is gone."

Gone…

Asmonious clenched his fist. His voice was so ruthless that it reminded me of his future self. "Explain. Properly."

"The baby was forcibly removed from her."

I lifted my head in shock, "What… Do you mean? The baby could still be alive?"

Worried to give me false hope, she added, "The chance of survival from a procedure like that is slim."

My heart started tightening, "How slim?"

"I would give the child a 1 in 10 chance of surviving."

Asmonious's lips twitched in hope, "There's a chance to survive!"

I grit my teeth, "...There's no chance."

"Master-" He looked at me in shock, "How do you know? 1 in 10 is still-"

"There's no chance!" I shouted at him, my throat tightening, "I know… I just know."

Lovi's death was predetermined.

Koale's death was predetermined.

And…

There was no mention of Lovi's child in the future.

An eerie numbness spread across my limbs as a deep hopelessness rushed into my heart. I forced myself to stand up and summoned my ice chunk, "...We have to go back to the mountain."

"Master!" His voice cracked, "Master-"

I climbed on, ignoring him. "Come. We need to make sure the rest of the children are safe."

He climbed up and I took off, unable to look him in the eyes. In order to maintain the ice chunk, I pushed down the excruciating emotions welling up inside.

"Master… It's all my fault!" He cried out, "I should have seen it coming! I was just so sick and tired! I-I wasn't watching them as I usually do… I… I thought it would be fine, but I-I failed her! I failed all of them!"

I said nothing as he grabbed the hem of my dress. I couldn't bear to look at him, as my guilt was keeping my mouth closed.

If he was crying…

How could I even comfort him?

His voice was cracking, "Master! Please punish me! It was my fault they died! Please! If I had been watching-"

"Asmonious. Stop." I commanded, my voice cracking as I tried to force myself to dull my emotions, "Just… Stop…"

He averted his gaze, his entire body trembling as he fought off tears.

I wanted to tell him there was nothing he could have done…

I wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault.

However, my voice was too weak from the torturous agony.

If I said anything, I would lose control of my emotions and I wouldn't be able to fly back…

For now, I have to just ignore it and get him back to the mountain safely.

Once we arrived, I stared at the walls blaming myself for ever giving them the freedom to leave.

I knew what the future was.

So why did I think I could overcome it?

Why did I let them leave?

I could have protected them if they had stayed…

As I walked through the courtyard gates, my footsteps were heavy. In that courtyard, I felt as if something important was missing… Something I could never get back.

Asmonious followed behind me, his body still trembling as his gaze was stuck on the ground.

Rose heard us enter and hesitantly walked out from behind her pillar, "Master… What's wrong?" 

I couldn't bear to look at her.

Panicked tightened her throat, "W-Where's Koale?"

I could no longer hold back and collapsed to my knees, sobbing hysterically as guilt flooded in.

Why couldn't I save them?

Why didn't I just keep them here?

They were my responsibility!

My heart was being ripped to shreds and pulled out, leaving me nothing but sorrow and the agony of endless guilt.

Zephyr stepped out of my room, his red jeweled eyes watching me as he whispered, "Mama?"

 I cried harder as the overwhelming emotions captured my heart and turned me into its slave. 

How can one accurately explain the grief of losing a child?

There was bitterness knowing that I would never get to hold her baby, spoiling them both with endless gifts and love.

There was resentment against the world for allowing it to take such an innocent soul. I cursed the world for giving such a tormented child like Lovi hope for a brighter future…

-Only to take it away.

I was filled with rage and self-hatred for knowing that I could have done something, but instead, I allowed this all to happen.

Now I will never get to see Lovi get older.

I will never get to hear a baby laughing.

I will never get to watch it learn to walk.

Zephyr whimpered for me, "Mama?"

I screamed out, "DON'T CALL ME THAT!"

He flinched back, his eyes wide from confusion.

I hid my shameful face in my hands as I wailed in agony, "What kind of mother can't even protect their child?!"

I knew this would happen!

I came from the FUTURE!

Why could I not change it!?

"I don't deserve to be your mother!" I cried harder, feeling as if everything inside of me was breaking. "I… I don't even deserve to be called your master…"

Asmonious wrapped me up in a hug, his warmth so comforting that I broke down even more. He whispered in my ear, "Master…"

Just like my mother when she lost my older brother, I too collapsed into a sobbing mess. 

"You will understand if you ever lose your child." My mother spat at me, her voice venomous, "Then you'll understand me."

Eventually, I cried until I fainted from the extreme grief and guilt.