First Kiss

Idris

It was all started when he was emotionally broken down but yet he is acting like he doesn't. I knew my father said something to upset him like this. I can't blame my twin brother for being so responsible and try to fix my parents, he is more afraid than I'm that they would be separated. He is doing this for years and I wonder how couldn't he give up already. I thought we can fix them, all parents used to fight. We hoped they will see what they had, we hoped they still love each other they aren't living together just for our sake. But it so hard for everyone in our home. One second it is a happy moment and it made us feel like we would have really lucky to born in the home full of happiness but the next moment we wish we shouldn't be born. I know he feels the same, and he shuts everyone out he doesn't want to hurt anyone with his temper or just share the hurt and pain that is killing him inside. He thinks it's his pain to bear not anyone else.

How long he can do that? Wasn't he needs himself for him? For me?. I hate seeing him in pain. He forgives my father and my mother but he can't forgive himself for what would have happened to me in my childhood if he was late. It's not his mistake, he says when you are in pain all the dark memories clouds you until it completely consumes you, I can tell how true it is, seeming him locked in a room and don't share the pain he is bearing for a decade. I can't let him like this, I was pacing from kitchen to living room nervously. If I can tell one thing for sure he is not weak to make any bad decision, so suicide will never be his option. Does he have to bear everything even if its not his fault? I was checking the clock every now and then. It's been only 10 mins since he talked to father, but it feels like hours to me. My heart is twitching not knowing our father said, what had happened in the home, what made my twin brother so sad, it took me back to the days when we were so afraid that one of the parents should be ended up dead when we woke up, the thought alone forming nausea in my throat. I shook my head it will not happen they have changed a lot, we don't go back to those dark days, at least that is what I hope. I have to stop thinking about all the negative things. I don't have the guts to call home and know what happened or dare to ask my father what he told. I cannot spend another minute pacing the hallway we share with our rooms. Without knowing I'm standing in front of his room. I wanted to knock and know he is okay. But instead of knock I leaned to the door and try to listen to anything. It is awfully quiet, my mind thinking about all the negative possibilities again, part of me telling me to go inside and comfort him like he always does. I hesitate, each second passed feel like forever. I composed myself before knocking, still nervous. I don't want him to see in pain, seeing him pain killing me. It won't hurt much if I didn't love him so much, he is everything to me, he has done everything to me even I didn't do anything to him. I silently closed my eyes thinking of the moment me and him talking, sharing everything, how supportive he was when I needed, how caring he was, how strong he was, how he always makes me smile even I went through hell. All the happy moments of us flooded in my mind, a smile came to the corner of my lips. It gives the strength that needs to knock the door. I knocked, there is no movements or sound from inside. I knocked again, still, nothing came out. All at once I started feeling panic was I thinking all wrong in the whole time, did something already happened to him?, Has he already done something to himself? By thinking of such things makes me die I can't live without him, not even a second. Even if he didn't feel the same way as me, I can't imagine a life without him. My knees became weak the longer the door doesn't open. I was about to fall, the door swung open and a hand caught me before I fell into the ground. The black t-shirt, torn Jean and messy hair make him look even more handsome. I threw myself at him, caught him off guard, I feel like there is a heavyweight on my shoulder lifted and I breathe out relief, I don't know I was holding it.

"Idris, are you okay?" Jack asked completely confused.

"I'm okay, what happened to you?" Last words barely left my lips.

"Nothing," he said when he hugs me and put me on the floor before he let me go.

"I was worried that you locked yourself in, can't you just open the door when I first knocked," I asked half furious half worried

"What happened to you? You look like shit!" He said while reaching the living room and turning his back to me.

I followed him, "I was...just... worried about you" I stuttered.

He stopped and quite for a few seconds, then resumed walking.

He still didn't answer my question.

When I ask again, he opened his mouth to say "nothing".

I'm so frustrated by him hiding things from me and kept all pain to him.

But he has already in enough pain I don't want to put him in much more. I slowly moved towards him.

I want to comfort him, I want to make him feel he deserves to be happy more than anyone. I want him to understand that just for once he should stop worrying about others and start to worry about himself. There were only inches between us, I'm standing behind him. I leaned towards his back, my heart is beating out of my rib, but I ignore it for a moment. When he doesn't move I moved my arm under his arm to hug him tightly. I can sense his shoulder tightens, I didn't move I put my face on his back, rubbing it like a cat. After a few seconds, his hands touched my hands only to remove. He turns himself to me, facing me when his both hands holding my both. My breath fastens.

He hands move from my wrist to arm then shoulder to finally land on my neck, his left hand still holding my right hand. I put hands on him, he is staring at me like I'm someone who he hasn't seen before. I'm looking at him and pleading in my eyes to open up to me, I'm willing to share his pain, I'm willing to reduce his burden. He leans closer and bends to my level. He put his forehead to mine. He sniffed, and then before I realize, he lift my chin up and kisses me very softly, I felt his reddish-orange lips on mine. His left hand moved to my waist to hold in the same place. I'm sure I'm blushing, I never expect him to act like this, there are thousands of questions running in my mind, he is kissing me because he wants to? Or he kisses me because he is sad? Does he know he is my first kiss? Sure, he doesn't. Does he feel the same way as I feel? But I have ignored all the questions in my mind. I want to remember every part of it and enjoy it while it lasts. I kissed him back, with all I have. I want this kiss to last. After a good fifty seconds of the kiss, his lips left mine, as soon as it left my lips, I already started missing him, his hand still on my neck and back.

I want to last this moment, But the selfish part of me wants to kiss my twin brother.

I lean to kiss him, this time he put his tongue and massage mine makes me feel I'm inexperienced. He closed the less than inches between us and I can feel him getting hard on my stomach. All I want this moment to freeze but how much I wish, I knew it won't last. So, I decided to savor each and every moment of the kiss, and the way his hands move to my hair and touches my head to my surprise I didn't get temper when he touched my head and my knees going weak just by kissing him. He hugged me and buried his head in my hair when he kissed me twice today.

He hugged me so tightly I can't breathe and I don't want him to loosen the grip either. I buried my face in his shoulder as I'm already on fire. I do not dare to say anything to ruin whatever going on. Part of me wants him to know I don't love him as just my brother. I love him more than he could ever think.

He finally broke the silence and said "I love you, Idris, I love you so much".

At first, I felt like I'm frozen I couldn't move after I heard those words from him, but the realization came to hit me he used to say he loves me all the time, he didn't mean it that way disappoints me, and questioning what does it mean that happens to us within the last 5 min. Even if he feels like that, I would be happy to at least comfort him

I said, "I love you Jack, more than you could ever imagine." And I mean it every word.