Chapter 6 : Imperfection

Dara didn't count how many days had passed since she left her job. Nemma now has a freelance job online. Even though the salary wasn't big, it was enough for the two of them to eat. Since Nemma had started work, Dara became more busy doing household chores.

Nemma was only in charge of cooking, because Dara could not replace her. The rest, Dara who does all the household chores alone. Starting from cleaning the house, washing dishes, washing clothes, to cleaning their backyard. Dara is glad that Nemma is busy, so Nemma doesn't have enough time to pay attention to Dara's life.

Nemma's job is not a permanent job. Dara increasingly sees Nemma's character who is pessimistic and has a lot of fear. Now, they started talking a lot at dinner. They talked about what they needed to do. Dara forced the conversation, because Dara basically likes clarity rather than having to coordinate with Nemma in silence.

"Tity just cook, right? The rest is my job, right?" Dara asked when they were having breakfast together.

"Yes, if you can, please help cut the ingredients for cooking. Let me just cook," replied Nemma as she continued to chew her food. Nemma seemed a bit rushed because she was almost late for the morning online meeting she had to attend every 8 am every day.

"Okay. Then write down what I need to do."

There were only 10 minutes left before Nemma started the morning meeting. Suddenly she straightened her seat and began to say seriously. "What if my job evaluation results are bad? We don't have money anymore. What if I was asked to work offline?"

"I can take Tity to the office by car. We just need to do some maintenance on Papa's car."

"Where did the money come from? I just got paid next month. We don't have the funds to buy gasoline or for public transportation."

"Is there a plan for you to work offline?"

"No."

"There are talks that allow you to work offline?"

"No."

"Then why do you think you will work offline?" Dara asked while still thinking hard.

"I'm just guessing. My feet won't be able to heal any time soon. It's been almost 2.5 years since the accident."

Nemma then fell silent. After a long time they never talked about their family's accident, the situation became awkward. However, since Nemma had to work, Dara was lucky not to have to find a way out of the uncomfortable situation.

Dara just found out that Nemma sometimes does think too much of things. Dara didn't know how to calm Nemma. Dara's energy suck when talking to her. She struggled to fight the negative thoughts and fears that Nemma felt. She tries to stay optimistic and fights her fears too.

Dara is neither very brave nor fearless. But she wasn't one to get used to worrying too much about things either. With Nemma's attitude like that, Dara has to work hard so that she remains unaffected by Nemma's basic mindset. She's trying to focus on recovering so she can get back to work and start her new journey. She can start to maximize the ability that God has given her. Dara believes God's help will come at the right time. God can't be wrong.

***

Dara reminisces many things from her past again. She doesn't know when she started to feel that she wasn't perfect. Some people demand perfection from her, starting from friends who very often criticize her. Whatever happened to her was always wrong. Dara thinks, indeed she has many shortcomings, then why?

Are other people so disapproving of her? Does the clothes she wears bother other people? Does her bad appearance hurt or annoy others? Does her existence throw other people's lives into chaos? Dara starts to think, if other people don't like the way she thinks, if they don't like the way she dresses, or if they don't like Dara personally, they are still not allowed to hurt her.

Dara feels she really can't be perfect. She can't please everyone. She had been blaming himself for so long, pressing herself to always be the best. She cannot and will never be perfect. She realized, she just needs to accept herself and be with people who accept her.

Of course Dara wants to evaluate herself if she is wrong. But she also needs to realize that not everything other people say is the truth. Sometimes what they say is just a personal opinion. It could be true, it might not. There are people who like it, there are also people who don't like it. Everyone is free to have an opinion on anything. But they are not free to hurt others just because they want to express their personal opinion.

Dara also thinks, even if she really made a mistake, sometimes she needs a process to improve herself. Dara finally realized that what she needed was someone who loved her. No matter how hard she tries to be accepted by people who don't want her, it will only lead to exhaustion. People who love her don't need much explanation for what she does. Just like her family did. Her parents and her grandparents did not love Dara perfectly, but Dara can feel that being loved is not a painful.

"Dara," Nemma suddenly called out to her. "Please buy some stationery for me. Here is the money." Nemma gave her some money and a note with what she needed. Then she returned to her room without waiting for Dara to respond.

Dara looked at the note that Nemma gave before leaving. She hasn't walked in her house in a long time. Fresh air greeted her face. She doesn't know how long she hasn't left the house. Dara smiled looking at the bright blue sky. The sky is wide, the clouds are big white. But Dara was not as frightened as when she saw the night sky. She likes it.

Dara walked still thinking. Nemma loved her too. Dara can feel it. But sometimes Nemma doesn't know how to love Dara without hurting her. They don't communicate much to understand each other. Dara has difficulty conveying how she feels, and vice versa. Dara learns from the hurtful behavior she receives from her friends. She needs to holding back her anger when she doesn't like something from other people. She didn't want to do what her friends did to her. She didn't want to hurt people like her friends hurt her.

There were many things she didn't like about Nemma. Dara learns to accept that Nemma isn't perfect either. But now she understands better, that accepting doesn't mean letting Nemma hurt her. Dara doesn't know how to convey her frustration well. She didn't want to add to the trouble in Nemma's life, she didn't want to repay the pain by hurting other people too.

Dara arrived at the small shop in her cluster area. Just a few blocks from her house. Dara takes about 10 minutes to walk leisurely to get there. Dara often visited this small shop when she was a child with her grandfather. Now the shop has changed a lot. Being more outdated however the building looks the same. Dara is not surprised that the shop is not growing. People prefer to shop at supermarket markets now.

There are no more snacks that Dara used to buy. But even if there were, she couldn't buy them because she didn't have the money. Dara was silent for a moment watching the shop that seemed empty. After she looked up into the shop, she saw a girl sitting with her back to the shop window.

"Excuse me, do you have a pen and paper?" Dara asked.

The girl turned around and looked a little surprised to see Dara. She was engrossed in watching her favorite drama through her cellphone until she didn't notice the arrival of a customer.

"There are many, what do you want?"

Dara shows the note given by Nemma. Dara paid little attention to the girl who served her. She didn't know her at all. Dara guessed that the girl was of mixed descent, maybe a mix between Indonesia and America or Europe. Her face is beautiful and her skin is white. Her height is also the same as Dara's height. Dara remembers that the one who was guarding the shop was a middle-aged woman of foreign descent. Maybe she is the mother of this girl. But unfortunately Dara does not remember her name.

When the girl returned, she handed over the note Dara had given her, complete with the price she had written down and the items she needed. Dara immediately paid with the money that Nemma gave. She was a little hesitant when she was about to greet the girl, but Dara was simply compelled to brave herself against her fear.

"When I was little I used to come to this shop. There is a mother who looks after this shop. Is she still here?" Dara asked a little stiffly.

"My mother or aunt who work here?" She asked kindly.

Dara was a bit surprised by the question. She was a bit awkward because she wasn't used to starting conversations with strangers. She didn't prepare an answer she could throw at her.

"Hmm, maybe your mother."

"My mother doesn't live here anymore. If I'm not in college, I'll help take care of our shop," she replied friendly.

Dara was relieved this girl responded well. Dara felt she was accepted. She was confused about this girl's answer. Should she ask where her mother is or what? Dara had almost never taken such an approach before. She is very afraid of rejection and she is afraid of being ignored. But eventually she fought her fears and tried to learn how to improve her life. Although her steps were broken and she moved quite slowly. She thought she wanted to keep moving.

After considering, Dara finally decided not to say anything else. She didn't find a databank in her head that could solve her problem this time. She was completely unaccustomed and untrained to having this kind of conversation. Luckily, the girl noticed Dara's rigidity and she didn't seem to mind it.

"I rarely see you around here, do you live in this cluster area?" asked the girl breaking the silence that had occurred for a while between them.

"Yeah, a few blocks from here." Dara couldn't hide her joy when the girl looked warm to her. "I'm Dara." Dara stretched out her hand while introducing herself.

"I'm Sofi." Sofi accepted Dara's outstretched hand with a very friendly smile. "Are you busy this weekend? There is social activity to help flood victims in the village next to us. If you want to come, you can join."

"Of course, I want to come." Dara answered without considering anything. "This Saturday? At what time?"

"You can come here at 8 am, we usually gather here."

"Okay, insha Allah, I will come. Can I have your number?"

They exchange numbers. Then after that Dara immediately went home. She forgot that she needed to hand over the item Nemma ordered immediately. Dara walked quickly towards the house, her heart was still warm and also beating fast. After a long time, Dara finally did something she had never done in her life. Her hands were still shaking when she got home. She was still excited and seemed happy.

"What took you so long?" Nemma's voice startled her.

"Sorry Tity, I was, uh... looking for the shop, I forgot the way." Dara just lied. She didn't prepare an alibi when she got home. But luckily Nemma didn't seem too upset.

"Okay, thanks."

Nemma returned to her room. Dara was still smiling and ignored Nemma's cold treatment of her. She sat on their living room couch, jotting down her agenda on her cell phone. After half a year she had no schedule of activities, she finally started her activities again. Her smile faded slightly when she realized she had no money at all. She doesn't even have credit on her cell phone. She only relies on her home wifi to access the internet.

But Dara didn't want to worry too much. She didn't want to be like Nemma who was too worried about what had yet to happen. She'll just live with it, as best she can. She doesn't want to think much and intends to live each day with a focus on living today. Tomorrow is not even certain that it will come, Dara thought. She prepared herself for the future, but she also didn't want to forget to live in the present.

Because of that, Dara enjoyed her happiness more. She felt a warm feeling in her heart. She even forgot that she had to let Nemma know about her new activity on Saturday. She couldn't guess what Nemma would think about that. Maybe she'll worry about something that Dara can't even think of right now. But again Dara tried to fight her fear of the future. She learned to be optimistic and live in the present.

***

Dara really can't demand everyone to be nice to her. But Dara began to think that she also had the right not to accept people who were bad to her. She didn't have to choose which pain she could endure. She didn't have to choose pain at all. There are many choices in this life. Sometimes she was indeed faced with a straight path without branches. She was forced to go through it. But she also needed to take a closer look, was there really no other way?

The boss at her office didn't care about Dara. Dara couldn't force him to care about her. But she also didn't have to accept that condition if she didn't like it. Dara can't fulfill the demands of her boss like Dara can't fulfill the demands of her friends. Dara is not a perfect friend, she also makes mistakes. Maybe it was true that her friends were disturbed by Dara's presence. They don't like Dara. Maybe it's true that Dara needs to improve herself. But that doesn't justify their wrong behavior.

In fact, Dara was hurt. Maybe they are also hurt by Dara's attitude. Dara doesn't know. She can't read a person's heart. But even if it's true, Dara doesn't need to ignore her pain. She was hurt. Even if she made a mistake, Dara doesn't need to feel that she doesn't have the right to feel pain either. Dara tends to let people hurt her because she feels she deserves it because of her flaws.

Dara worked until she burned out and felt saturation. She worked until she got sick. She knew it was wrong and she wanted to stop blaming himself. She is a human being who will make mistakes. She realized her mistake this time, but she would make another one later. Because she is an ordinary person who will continue to make mistakes in her life. Dara begins to realize that demanding herself to be perfect is impossible. Dara learned not to repeat the same mistakes throughout her life. But even if that happened, she wanted to forgive herself.

"It's okay to make mistakes," she muttered quietly to herself.

Dara learns not to dissolve in regretting her mistakes. All has happened. Protracted regret does not make the lost will come back. Her head was still tired. The time has not come back either. She doesn't want her future and present to be ruined because of the mistakes she made in her past. All she needed to do was fix what she could fix. Dara didn't want to pressure herself anymore. God will forgive all her mistakes. That's enough for her.

Dara has no money now. She felt weak and helpless. Dara admits it. "Then what's wrong if I'm weak? It is okey," she muttered to herself again.

She was depressed, she was sad, she was devastated. She acknowledged the feeling. Maybe other people can't accept it. But she doesn't want to treat herself the way others treat her. If no one understands and loves her, she will try to understand and love herself.

Dara never thought of suppressing others, therefore she also did not want to suppress herself. She doesn't need validation from others. She did feel devastated. Others may be stronger than her. But she didn't need to compare herself to others. She doesn't want to be someone else either.

Dara is happy to be herself. If the other person doesn't accept it, she doesn't need to follow that person's personal opinion. Dara is happy with herself now. She had made mistakes and had many shortcomings. She wanted to improve herself slowly, as best she could, and without pressure. God always accepts her. She's not alone.

Dara realized that she had not loved herself well all this time. She is idealistic, tends to demand perfection. But that was over, it was never too late to improve as long as she still had the chance now. Now is not the time to mourn failure, but how to rise.

Dara learns that she needs to manage herself so as not to be afraid of life just because she is afraid of making mistakes. If she made a mistake again, then correct it again. She didn't know how she would recover from this trauma, but she knew she didn't want to give up. Like when she fought her fear of rejection. If she stopped and didn't try, there would be no chance of winning. But as long as she moved, she could still get a win future.

Dara doesn't like pain. She didn't want to choose her pain anymore. No one told her to choose pain. If Nemma hasn't changed, then Dara doesn't need to accept her. She needed to talk or if she couldn't, Dara didn't have to respond. When humans live together, humans cannot learn alone. Nemma also needs to learn to take care of Dara's feelings. Even though she couldn't accept it, Nemma needed to know how she felt. At least Dara knew what she had to do, although she didn't know how to do it yet.

***

That morning Dara started the day by preparing ingredients for Nemma to cook. Nemma seemed to be limping hastily towards her room Nemma seemed very busy since she was back at work. Dara never talked about what Nemma was doing. So she didn't know what kept her so busy.

Dara remembers how she used to live like that too. She didn't even seem to have time to chew her food. Her brain felt tired even in the morning after she rested. Dara learns to enjoy the moments in her life more now. Start living slowly and prioritize inner peace in her life. But Dara's spirit to change her life is not easy to do because she has very different principles from Nemma.

"Have you finished preparing the ingredients for cooking?"

"In a minute," Dara replied calmly. But Nemma looked impatient. She went back to her room and looked irritated. It seems that Dara needs to prepare everything early if she wants to do everything calmly but not considered slow.

After Dara finished, Nemma immediately cooked all the ingredients in a hurry. Dara saw that it was only 6.30, there were still 1.5 hours before Nemma started the morning meeting. But Dara didn't ask why Nemma was in such a hurry. At 7.10 Nemma finished cooking. At 7:30 Nemma finished eating in a hurry and went back to her room. Only 5 minutes faster than Dara who eats at a normal pace. Dara smiled and realized her past behavior. She only saved 5 minutes and sacrificed her valuable 20 minutes.

The next day Dara actually prepared everything early. But for Nemma, Dara was still wrong because it seemed to move too slowly. Dara is indeed training to live slower. She is still looking for a balanced rhythm of movement for her. Maybe it's true that Dara moves too slowly. But Dara thought, she was not late to do her work. Finally Dara ventured to defend herself.

"What time should I finish preparing the ingredients?" she asked.

Nemma seemed to consider Dara's question. She seemed to want to argue and say that was not what she wanted. She didn't like Dara's movement which was considered not agile. But in the end she relented. "Six o'clock everything is ready."

Dara fulfills Nemma's request. Nemma didn't argue much, even though she was quite annoyed with Dara who seemed to be playing while doing her job. Meanwhile, Dara feels that she is starting to enjoy her job. She sometimes hums cheerfully and dances while cleaning their house. Dara looked at the clock on the wall of her house. The time she spent was not much different if she did it in a hurry.

Nemma sometimes looks at Dara cynically when Dara walks very slowly. Dara admits, she's still not used to it. Often the steps are like dancing. Dara thought that as long as she didn't block people's movement, it wouldn't be a problem. But it turned out that her attitude disturbed Nemma's view.

"Are you having a stomach ache?" asked Nemma in an normal tone but with a defiant look on her face.

"No, why?"

"Why are you walking so slow? It's like having a stomach ache."

"No, I really just like it like this," Dara answered vaguely and stuttered.

Dara did not dare to say that she was learning to move slowly. Even though Nemma couldn't accept her answer, Dara didn't really care. For a long time Dara used to live in a hurry. It was difficult for her to get used to walking normally with a more natural pace. Sometimes she's too slow. Dara was just trying and she didn't force herself to quickly master it.

Dara learns to calm herself. She took a deep breath, took a breath of fresh air, and closed her eyes. Dara has not been able to do it for long. She was used to moving. She found the sky so beautiful, she was so happy to look at it. But apparently she felt, it was not easy for her to remain calm when she saw it. Even though Dara likes it.

Dara was sitting alone in her backyard as usual. Sitting and thinking was easier for her than just sitting and thinking about nothing. Finally Dara did not force herself to just be silent. She didn't hold her head in thought, but this time she tried to take it slow. She tried to think calmly. Reflect on the various things that happened in her life.

She needs to focus on fighting all the distractions in her life. The distractions make it quite difficult to focus her mind. Nemma's fears and worries also plagued her mind. She tries to remain optimistic and fights her own fears. Nemma sometimes worrying about what will happen in the future. Dara tried to be logical. Her fear doesn't make her future any better. Even though Dara thought it was okay to feel scared and worried. But she needed to convince herself that she was not alone. God takes care of her. She was sure she would be fine.

Saying her worries will only amplify her feelings. Dara tries to face what she is currently facing. Worrying too much about what will happen in the next 15 minutes will only make the second she is living a mess. As she had always feared, she was afraid of being hurt. It doesn't mean she's hurt though. She had felt the pain before she even felt it through her fear. Though the real pain does not necessarily come.

Dara smiled. She realized she had been too hard on herself. What she needs to do though is enjoy what is happening now. She did have desires and plans. But that can even change. Dara doesn't want to ruin her day just by dreaming about something she doesn't have. Today's day is also fun. She has learned to be grateful for what she has now.

Dara realized that maybe she would forget what she was thinking at this time. Maybe she will forget not to put pressure on herself and repeat her mistake again. She may be afraid of making mistakes again. But now she wasn't afraid to face it if it happened to her again. She realized she wasn't perfect. She could make the same mistake . Even if it happened, Dara knew what she had to do. She just needed to improve herself again. Keep it that way, learn throughout her life. But more importantly, there is no need to think too much about possibilities in the future. What Dara needs to do is improve herself now, not think about how she will improve herself in the future that hasn't happened yet.

***

Dara tried to do what she could do. She tried to start moving. But she couldn't do it. No matter how hard she tried to force herself to do it, she still couldn't. Her head was saturated and she felt helpless. She remembered what she had talked to Nemma the other day.

"What have you been doing these past few months?" asked Nemma.

Dara couldn't answer it. She does not know. She had tried to force herself, but she couldn't. She felt she couldn't do anything. She didn't understand what had happened to her. She didn't know what to do but she try not to give up.

Dara opened her old laptop. She opened several old folders of her writting that she had written throughout her life. In the past, she often wrote down what she felt and thought. Something she had rarely done since she was so busy.

Dara opened it, she could hardly remember what she had written and felt. She thought, memories aren't all easy to remember if she doesn't write them down. As she reread her writings she realized something.

There are writings when she was in college. It says she felt pain when she was ignored by her friends. It happened when she just entered campus. She knows someone named, Tania. Dara remembers that they were friends. But Dara doesn't understand why Tania can turn against her. Dara never fought with her. Dara doesn't talk much to her either. But she suddenly seemed to hate Dara.

At a student admissions event, Dara, who came alone, approached Tania. Tania ignored her and all her other friends did the same. Even when Dara approached Tania, she turned her face away, indicating that she did not want to be near Dara. Dara does not understand what she has done to make Tania act like that.

None of her friends approached her or asked her to talk. Tania and her friends move away from Dara. Dara had never felt such deep pain before. Finally Dara was quiet alone and tried to chat with the cleaning staff there to relieve her loneliness. So that she wouldn't feel ashamed to be there but that she was just wandering around alone. Even though what Dara talked about with the cleaning staff was also pointless. Dara remembers that from that day on, she had a habit of talking to cleaning staffs in her campus.

Day after day, week after week, Dara still found it hard to forget the pain of that incident. Dara didn't know why Tania suddenly did not like her. But even if she made a mistake, couldn't she have a nice talk to Dara about what she did wrong? Dara hasn't realized that she can love her friends but that doesn't mean Dara will get the same thing. Dara remembers that incident was also one of the reasons she had difficulty getting along because of the fear being rejected that haunted her.

Dara tried to be nice to Tania. Tania apologized briefly after the incident. This means that what happened at the event was not just Dara's feelings. She was completely ignored. Tania never spoke clearly what Dara's fault was. Dara guessed that Tania didn't really think about it. Dara didn't know what Tania felt, but Dara knew what she felt. She's so hurt. Then she blamed himself. It was her fault that causes her to be unloved. She felt that she was the one who keeps on making mistakes and that other people cannot accept all her flaws. She was wrong. She who did not deserve to be treated well.

Dara read her writing with a trembling heart. She felt again the pain she once felt. Even after all these years she still remembers that feeling. Maybe there are people who think her feelings are too much. But now Dara doesn't want to hear it. What happened was really hurt her. She didn't understand how her heart mechanism worked. She didn't know how her heart could process and make the incident so painful. All she knew was that she did feel the pain.

Dara can guess what she did wrong to Tania. She didn't think her mistake was a small one. Maybe for Tania it really bothered her. She used to blame herself for what she did, blame her shortcomings, blame her mistakes. But now she didn't want to do the same. That doesn't justify Tania's attitude that hurt her.

Dara becomes increasingly convinced that pain cannot be paid for by hurting people. She didn't want to hurt the person who made her feel pain and discomfort. She only inflicted new pain in the hearts of others. She didn't want to be the same person who had hurt her in the past.

Dara remembered, during college she didn't realize that she couldn't force people to be nice to her. Dara just followed her instincts and continued to pretend she didn't feel anything. She still greeted Tania, even though Tania didn't pay much attention to her. Dara did not try again after that. She finally realized that she wasn't wanted but she didn't want to admit it. Now she wants to admit it. She wasn't afraid of it anymore. She was not wanted, disliked, unloved by those people.

"And it's okay," Dara muttered quietly.

Dara did not want to focus on the person who hurt her. Dara learns not to be like them. Dara did not want to be like them. After closing her laptop, Dara thought of something else. The pain she felt in the past she couldn't remember anymore if she didn't open her notes. In the past, it was very painful for her. Dara could still remember that feeling to this day. So traumatic and scratched a deep wound in her heart. But that feeling changed and was eventually forgotten.

Feelings of pleasure are also temporary. Dara recalled how she was so happy to get the new laptop she was holding now, when she first went to college. Less than 1 month the feeling was gone and replaced. Even now the laptop was obsolete with age. Dara no longer felt the overwhelming happiness when using it.

Sad feelings and happy feelings can all change. Even the feelings that hurt her so much shr can forget. She thought, now she's feeling uncomfortable, she's depressed, she's in pain. Dara is sure that one day she will forget all that she felt. This feeling will be replaced. As long as she is in this world, it is her nature that there will be sadness and happiness. She just needed to endure the pain. Like this time. Later this feeling will go away and be replaced with happiness.

Dara felt that her heart needs to be protected. She felt better when she did good. Her heart demanded that she act like that. She felt calm. Maybe she can retaliate and curse the person who hurt her. But she realized, it might satisfy her at that time, but could not calm her heart.

Dara needs to rest her heart. Her heart is very quick to respond to everything that happens in her life. Dara realized, she couldn't even control the speed of her heart to respond to something. As was the case today, she enjoyed looking up at the blue sky. Then when Nemma spoke harshly to her, her heart felt tight and irritated.

Then Dara saw 2 birds perched on the fence in her backyard, she felt warmth in her heart. When she cleaned the house, she wants to be rich so she can have an assistant to help her. When she watched youtube and sees rich people, she felt that too much wealth will also burden her. Her feelings kept changing. Her heart continues to respond to everything that comes into her mind.

Dara realized, she couldn't control her heart processing what she saw. Dara felt that her head was not in control of what she was feeling. But she can train herself to learn to process things and see things from a different perspective that doesn't hurt her more.

Like now, when she remembered the pain that Tania had inflicted. She used to blame herself, but now she's learned to love herself. She wanted to control herself not to feel pain when she recalled the painful incident. But she couldn't, her feelings just felt the pain. All she could do was change her mindset. When she blames himself, her life gets more and more depressed. But when she accepted herself, her feelings became lighter. The pain didn't weigh her down. Dara realized, it was not pain that she needed to avoid. But she needed to understand what she had to do when the pain came again.

There are many things she can't control in her life. She wanted to cry at that moment. She also felt that her heart did feel pain. She remembered her family, her pain, her current situation. She wanted her heart to be more relieved by crying, but she can't. She couldn't control her tears from flowing out.

When she was sick, she also felt the same way. The organs were attached to her. But she couldn't control the movements. She couldn't control when her heart was happy or sad. She could only try to do something that would make her heart happy. But she couldn't just program her heart to feel something.

If she could, she could control her heart to accept everyone who hurt her. Forgiving them easily so she wouldn't have to feel the pain of holding back those feelings anymore. The mechanism of the heart working is difficult to explain. All she knew, she could simply say that she couldn't control it.

Including she realized, she could not control her heart to love someone. She remembered the pain of being hurt by friends who hurt her. She didn't want to expect affection from the person who hurt her. She couldn't control her heart to stop loving them. She could not command her heart to ignore the people who hurt her. She couldn't control herself to stop loving someone. Dara thought, then what can she do?

Dara pondered and considered the answer to her question. Maybe she could be wrong, but she didn't think it was the affection she felt that was wrong. It hurts to love people who hurt her. She had a hard time explaining why this could happen. Maybe because she expects something from the person she cares about. Or simply she wants to be loved by the person she hopes can love her. Dara realized, she didn't need to fight when she loved someone. She felt she was stupid for continuing to love the person who hurt her.

"It's ego," she murmured quietly.

Then what should she do? Dara doesn't know what to do with her feelings other than accept it. That affection was a pleasant feeling, why did she curse it? She should be grateful she didn't harbor hatred in her heart. She needs to fight her ego. She wasn't stupid when she still loved the people who hurt her. She just needed to learn not to expect anything from them.

Dara does not need to delay her happiness until the person who hurt her admits their mistake. She doesn't need to delay her happiness until someone loves her. After thinking for a long time, Dara finally found what was easiest for her to do. There is no need to concentrate on thinking about those who hurt. They're gone now, there's no need to think about what if they come again. Just think about it when they come back. Dara needs to focus more on what she needs to do today and how she is enjoying her life right now. What if the pain come again? Dara needs to accept it and believe that feeling will change.

***

Dara was still trying to learn to live slowly. Meanwhile, Nemma was not in the mood. The food was sometimes a bit bland. She only cooked once to eat all day. Dara could not protest. She still didn't know how to cook well.

Dara did not deny, her heart was heavy as she struggled. Sometimes she wonders why must she survive? Her family was no longer there. Her only remaining family also continued to disappoint her. But Dara came back to her senses, Dara couldn't hold on to anyone else. She also cannot depend on others.

If she survived for someone, anyone can leave. It hurts to lose a loved one, but the time for her to stay in the world is not over yet. She cannot control her own destiny. More than that, she believes, there is no trial that is predestined by God beyond the limits of her ability. She was sure she could get through this.

Dara realized, she did not want to depend on others. She didn't want to lose to everything that was crushing her. In silence Dara contemplated again, her family has now gone. Now the longing in her heart is still no longer able to make her cry. Her tears still couldn't flow. She didn't understand why it happened.

Even though Dara doesn't need to depend on other people for her life, that doesn't mean she has to do everything alone. She needs to start her life again. Not just waiting for people to love her. But she can start by loving others first. Anyone she met, including Nemma. As long as Nemma still received her affection.

Dara was looking forward to the social event that would be held next Saturday. She was a little scared, but also excited about her new day. The pain from her past still lingers. She wanted to replace the painful memory with a new, more pleasant memory.

***

Exactly at 5:00 in the morning, Dara had prepared Nemma's cooking needs that she had noted down. Nemma was a neat and systematic person. Dara was made easy by Nemma's regularity. She had started to get used to preparing all the ingredients from the morning, even though Nemma wasn't working today.

Dara smiled remembering she would meet new people today. Sofi had contacted her to confirm Dara's presence. Dara who was a little nervous stopped her activities for a moment. Her stomach churned a little at the memory. The feeling was happy but also tense. Dara finally decided to take a short walk in front of her house. Only a while. She hoped Nemma didn't notice she's gone.

The moonlight and street lamps were still on. Dara took a deep breath. She wanted to learn to adjust her mindset so she could control her fear. Nemma's fears often affect her too. She was just trying to learn to keep moving, not to stop because of her fear. Dara convinced herself to learn to think about what she was currently going through. Of course it's okay to think about and plan for the future, but don't let it drain her energy and focus so much on her fears and worries that she forgets the present.

Dara was not aware when the sky began to lighten. She had been out too long. She immediately went back into the house. She was a little surprised to see Nemma had taken over her job. Her heart trembled. She just realized that Nemma was so scary for her. She was very afraid that Nemma would be angry or hurt her.

"Where have you been?" asked Nemma casually. Dara could see Nemma was beaming.

"From outside," Dara replied with a feeling of fear. She tried not to get used to lying to save herself.

"Just sit down, let me do the rest. Right now I am off," said Nemma calmly.

Dara was of course surprised by Nemma's attitude, although she was also grateful that Nemma didn't care about what she was doing outside and didn't harass her with questions. But the anomaly that happened also made her think about what happened to Nemma.

Dara did not want to protest much and returned to her room. She didn't want to wait for Nemma to cook there or accompany her. Nemma's unusual behavior made her feel awkward and uncomfortable. Nemma really looked happy. Dara chuckled slightly realizing what she was thinking. She doesn't like Nemma's gloomy attitude, but she also questions if Nemma looks happy.

When eating Nemma also looked different. It was undeniable that Dara was a little scared to see her. "You want to go meet your friends, right? Want to bring money?" Nemma asked, sounding too cheerful for Dara's ears. Remembering that Nemma more often seems hopeless.

"May I have some money?" Dara asked, unable to hide her surprised tone.

"Of course, just in case you need it." Nemma still looked calm, making Dara even more surprised.

"Thank you very much Tity," Dara said very awkwardly and a little scared.

"Just eat more. You may need a lot of energy. Do you want to help flood victims there?"

"Yes Tity." Dara put some food into her mouth while still can't believe what she heard.

"Would you like to have lunch at home?"

"I don't know, I'll ask my friends."

"Just tell me later, so I will prepare your food if you want to eat at home."

"Okay Tity," replied Dara. Her mouth gaped slightly, luckily Nemma didn't notice. Dara saw that Nemma's face was clearly radiant. She was also wearing a make-up on her face. Dara was eager to ask if Nemma would go out. But she didn't have the courage yet.

"What time are you planning to come home?" asked Nemma again.

"I don't know yet, but maybe afternoon."

"Then bring a jacket. Be careful if you come home late at night. If you need a car, you can use it."

"Okay Tity thanks a lot, I'll let you know when I need it and I'll bring the jacket too." Dara was really surprised by all the things that Nemma said.

"Want to bring some food? What time are you leaving? But there doesn't seem to be any snacks at our house. Shall we buy it first?" asked Nemma looking serious about her idea.

Dara didn't answer right away. This time she really was wide-eyed. Even when they were kids, Dara did not receive much of Nemma's kindness. Nemma remains cold even though Dara often seeks her attention. After Nemma worked, she also almost never gave her anything. Unlike to other family members, including her mother. Even though Nemma wasn't close to her sister-in-law. Dara was hardly ever paid special attention to by Nemma.

"Hey, want to buy snacks for lunch?" Nemma asked, waking Dara from her daydream.

"Oh, don't worry Tity, I've already been given money. If I'm hungry, I'll just buy it, I don't have to bother Tity so much. I'll just bring a drink." Dara stuttered a bit when she spoke.

"Alright, I'll get the drink ready." Nemma then scurried off to the storage rack beside their dining table. Leaving Dara who still looked at her in disbelief. Had she slept too well last night and what is happening now is just a dream?

Dara had intended not to think too much about what would happen in the future. But she thought Nemma's change in attitude was too significant. That's right, Dara knows Nemma's mood can change easily. She's very moody. But this time the deltas were too big. She was worried that the negation of Nemma's current demeanor would be dire as well. Dara chuckled in her daydream. Indeed, practice the theory she already understood was not as easy as she imagined. Dara realized that she didn't have to think about what Nemma would turn out to be, just enjoy the moment now, when Nemma turned into a kind and pleasant person.

***