Chapter 39: Die Young

Date: June 19, 2020

Location: Columbus, Ohio

When Serena announces that she is divorcing Joseph, also known as Joe, he repeatedly injures himself in order to frame her as being abusive. He starts by slapping himself in the face and slamming CD covers at his head. Serena thinks that Joe is a bit weird and asked him, "What are you doing?" Joe hits his face with some books, then he smashes his head with a hanging stone pig head on the fireplace. Serena told him to stop and that he was crazy. Joe then proceeds to hit his head again with a wrench, causing him to spit blood. He then smashes his hand with a piano cover and hurts his leg with a piano chair, and tells that she'll never leave him, 'till death do them part. Concerned neighbors called 911, Paramedics arrive and put him on a gurney as police confront Serena, but it rolls down a hill until it hits a rock. Joe screams in horror as he is launched off the gurney and lands on top of a curved road sign, impaling Joe through the stomach, putting an end to his screams. And with that, death do Joe and Serena part. Joe never saw it coming. He was blindsided by his wife, beat up by himself, and then....he signed off.

Way To Die #999: Signed Offed

Date: April 30, 2018

Location: Little Rock, AK

A bitter and corrupt police officer named Dan is forced to watch over a group of juvenile delinquents who are being forced to remove graffiti as part of their community service. After yelling at the teenagers, he proceeds to his police car where he gets high off of paint thinner. In a delusional rage, he gets out of the car and points his handgun at the teenagers. However, he ends up dropping the gun but as he goes to retrieve it, he accidentally shoots himself in the head due to his impaired motor skills, blasting the entire back of his head off and killing him instantly, turning him from a bad cop to a dead cop and leaving the police force with one less corrupt official to worry about. A bad cop is a blight upon society. They're supposed to serve and protect, not use and abuse. Officer Dan did everyone a favor by taking himself out.

Way To Die #107: Cop Out

August 19, 2007

Location: Las Vegas, NV

Jason has a bachelor party the day before he is to be married. The bachelor party contains an exotic dancer who is being used as a human sushi bar. Mid-way through, the exotic dancer goes into the bathroom for a break, but Jason still wants to have sex with the stripper, so he follows her in. The stripper angrily shoves Jason onto the toilet, and Jason accidentally flushes it. Because the toilet was having repair work done, the flush causes the porcelain lid to fly off the toilet and shatter. In an attempt to run out, Jason slips, and impales himself through the rectum on a shard of the lid, losing 6 pints of blood and bleeding out within a few minutes. Not only was was his life as he knew it ending but so was his life in general. Jason was a pig disguised as a human being. He did his fiance a huge favor: he turned 'I do' into... 'I dead'

Way To Die #449: Ass Holed

Date: September 23, 2001

Location: Leesburg, FL

Jason is a mugger who successfully manages to steal money from unsuspecting pedestrians without any trouble. Jason attempts to rob a man named Mike, a diving equipment salesman, loading merchandise into his new SUV. As Jason ambushes Mike, he spots a knife in the back of the SUV and demands him to hand it over (Unbeknownst to Jason, that knife is a wasp inject knife, a special knife with a nitrogen capsule used as a self-defense weapon against sharks). Mike makes a bold move by leaping at Jason and slapping the gun out of his hand, but also stabs Jason in the process. Jason manages to retrieve the gun, but accidentally hits a button on the side of the knife which releases a burst of nitrogen into Jason's stomach, causing his intestines to rupture and explode out of his stomach, sending the hardcore mugger to hell where he belongs. Jason was a hardcore criminal who spent a long day sticking it to a long list of unsuspecting victims. But at the end of the day, he never came clean, but he definitely spilled his guts.

Way To Die #950: No Guts... All Gorey

Date: 10th Century

Location: Scotland

Viking king Nygard decided to go on a marauding campaign to leave his brother Mort in charge. With Nygard away, Mort made a party celebration by having sex with women. When the queen tried to shut it down, Mort told the other women to get out of here and he threw her down and raped her, thinking that he was the king she knew. Over the next few months, Mort was having his way with her until Nygard returned and caught him in the act, unleashing his berserker rage. He then orders his men to seize him and order an execution. Nygard took Mort's life by performing a blood eagle (Which is something the former calls the worst way of teaching the latter life). He slices Mort's back and pulls out his lungs (resembling wings, hence the name), which shriveled up due to the exposed air, causing Mort to suffocate and sending the treacherous Viking straight to Helheim (the Norse equivalent of Hell). Blood's thicker than water, but Mort screwed up. Got your back... bro."

Way To Die #869: Back Stabbed

Date: July 25, 2014

Location: Austin, TX

Alex spent his time at home creating robots and breaking things, when he could have gone to any top college in the country. He constantly tortured his parents by wrecking the house. He decided to put the micro-processor of a vaccum robot, motion detectors, and razor-sharp spinning lawnmower blades into one machine in order to make it even more dangerous. He tested its destructive power by making it destroy another one of his robots, which was destroyed in seconds. He put the robot to sleep in order to fix up the other for another round. When he dropped a screw, the robot which was thought to be asleep turned itself on, and when Alex bent down to pick it up, it cuts off two of his fingers, and then slashes his foot off. Alex fell to the floor, and the robot lacerated deep into his abdomen and slices his aorta and vena cava and he died from massive blood loss. Instead of giving his robot a brain, he should have put his own to better use.

Way To Die #723: Bot-ily Harm

Date: June 16, 2018

Location: Orlando, FL

Chip is an exercise instructor who blatantly favors women who are skinny and attractive (to the point of feeling them during the exercises), and liked to insult overweight women. One in particular, Patty, had to put up with his arrogant behavior. At one point, she went to eat one of her snack cakes, when Chip belittled her again while eating the cake, much to the disgust of the other women. As Patty left, the foolish instructor began choking on the snack cake, at which the women laughed, thinking that he was faking it. Desperate, he attempted a D.I.Y. heimlich maneuver, only to bounce off of an exercise ball and impale himself on a sprinkler at the roof of his mouth. The force of the impact caused Chip's neck to snap back, breaking the C2 and C3 vertebrae, and severing the spinal cord, killing him instantly, sending the foolish instructor to the hell he deserved, much to the horror of the other women. Chip got off of making fun of fat people. But then he went from joking, to choking...to croaking."

Way To Die #514: Heim-licked

Death comes in all shapes and sizes, so remember throughout this entire book we instructed you on how NOT to die...but really it is not up to you or us on how you will die, no, it's up to our ol' pal, the Grim Reaper, who throughout this all has been watching you and waiting for you to slip up... Death has no mercy but does have patience, so just wait you might be the next one on the death list and off of the Census.

"1000 Ways To Die"

Written by:

Quentin Mason

Sarah Mcain

Emily Krasinski

Based on the TV show on Spike TV

Created by Thom Beers