97

"You ready?" Jyeon helps me out of the passenger seat onto the gravel driveway, and I blow out my air. So not ready for this, even though I told myself a million times on the way here I was. It was not that long a trip by boat and then car to get here, but the island feels so far away. My palms are clammy, and my heart rate is abnormally fast. My nerves are jangled, and my insides are all knotted up and clenched inside of me, adding to the tension of my stiff body. I'm a mess.

"It's the first time I've been here since…." I trail off, peering up the hill into the cemetery, and swallow hard. Fighting tears, I can feel building behind my eyes.

"I know…. You had a hard time coming here, so it'll be emotional since it's technically your first time. Even though you think you are stronger now, it's different when you're here. Standing where she is." Jyeon curls my hand in his, taking the flowers we bought from my hand in the same one he's carrying the gift bag containing the slate name plaque. Softly talking, being understanding.

"You've come here since?" I ask, curious because it was a subject we never broached, and when we did back then, it was always to fight. Neither of us shared this. Now we're standing here, and I realize he hasn't mentioned whether he did come here before in the last couple of days while organizing this trip.

"Yeah, I came monthly for six years. This would be my regular visiting weekend." He answers so directly, and I'm stunned. That meant he was coming here every month since the day we buried her, even when he acted like he avoided it. Rendering me momentarily surprised into silent pondering. The guilt rises inside me and chokes me that I only came here to see her laid in the ground and never faced it again. I just couldn't bear to go and see her lonely and cold in this place. Even though I have lit a lantern since being with Greta, it's not the same as coming here to her, and I have so many regrets that I waited so long.

I stare at him with wide damp eyes, a little choked up and unsure how to untangle these intense feelings, but Jyeon brushes my hair from my face. Pulling me closer and treating me with care and gentle affection.

"Day one… step one….. No blaming, no residual guilt. We're here to see our baby girl. Forget the past and live only for now from here on in. We do this together."

"I'm trying." It hurts my throat with raspiness, and I allow Jyeon to pull me with him when he turns on his heel and heads towards the gate ahead of us. Following his lead and needing his strength to do this.

Back when she was being buried, Jyeon picked this place alone because I couldn't bear to be involved in the process of sending my baby away. Choosing where she would be dropped into the ground seemed like a monumental challenge, and I buried my head in the sand and left him to do it. He thought I didn't care, but I couldn't stand it. Unable to even do something this basic for her as picking where she would lay for eternity.

Walking through the serene and pretty hillside. Colorful and breathtaking, with a view high up over the city so you can see mountains in the distance. I can see he picked somewhere amazing for our little girl to spend her days, and it brings me more heartbreak to know I let her down by not being a part of this. Taking it in properly for the first time with fresh eyes, I can see why this was his choice for her. It's beautiful and peaceful, and there are so many well-tended flower beds and rose bushes edging the grounds, so she always has prettiness around her.

The incline with small, neutral-colored, polished steps past rows and rows of neat and clean headstones isn't too steep, and with the sun out like it is today, there's a serene quality and somehow dreamy illusion of this whole area. He chose picturesque and comforting, and I hate that I didn't appreciate it before now. Saw the love in his actions back then.

"This way. Do you remember?" He glances back over his shoulder, making sure I am managing the steps okay, and he catches the silent tears that roll down my face. Muted by my pain while caught in my own head and I nod. Pondering all of this and taking it in while processing so much simultaneously.

How could I forget where we left her that day? It's ingrained like a map in my head. It was cold, grey, and the worst moment of my life, and I etched the path to her awaiting space into my soul like a zombie who wanted to die alongside her. I stared at my feet for that long walk that day, unable to lift my head while drenched in shame and loss. Only to everyone else, I looked like the formidable ice queen they all believed me to be. Taut and silent, wearing sunglasses, silently standing while they lowered that tiny coffin into the dirt. The memory makes me shudder.

We walk together for a few more minutes, up the steps and along what seems to be an endless row of similar-looking headstones that bear birthdays of young children and babies. It's hard not to notice when the sun highlights them with such ferocity today.

It seems that parents all wanted their kids grouped in one place so their souls could have friends and playtime in the afterlife together. It hurts yet soothes me to see that Tia has been surrounded by children in my absence all this time, and it was a detail I never even noticed that day. I stare at Jyeons solid shoulders and back, thankful that he did this for her. Realizing he would have chosen this for her, much like the parents of all these other kids. He would have been aware of where she lay, and those other young children would be by her side. Thoughtful to the end.

Jyeon stops as we get almost to a shady willow tree at the far end, where the sun meanders through the branches and creates a slightly cooler and pretty spot. Three headstones stand together, larger than the rest, with their own little fenced garden areas for the family to put décor. Tia has a cherub engraved on her stone, smiling sweetly on its white background, and Baby park where her name should have been. Seeing it that way, remembering how I refused to acknowledge she had a name, makes me feel despicable.

I stop and stare, experiencing a million emotions when faced with the creamy Italian marble of her resting spot. Taking in the neat grass, trimmed plants, and well-kept stones. Jyeon must do this every time he's here because Tia's is immaculate and has dried flowers in the vase waiting to be removed compared to others. Someone comes here regularly and shows love and care to her patch.

Focused so calmly on unwrapping the massive bouquet of bright gerberas we brought with us. Jyeon doesn't hesitate to lift the dead ones out and place them on the grass beside him, as though he has done it a million times, and I watch him. He carefully teases the fresh ones apart and puts them in the holding vase before pulling out a water bottle and topping it up to make sure they last a little while. It's automatic and fluid, and I hate that he's done this all these years alone. I should have been here too.

"Do you want to do this?" He lifts the gift bag to me, and I take it with trembling fingers, finding myself clumsy and tearful and not the pulled-together person I thought I would be. I didn't know this would be so hard, yet it is.

I keep picturing her tiny little face from so long ago, as clear as if it was yesterday. Her cute button nose and precious little features that will forever be printed like a photograph in my memory. Remember how she felt in my arms, how light she was, how fragile, and her unique baby smell even though she was bloody and covered in birthing fluid. I stare at the patch of ground below and know she's down there. Lying in that wooden box. All this time, waiting for me, thinking I didn't love her, and I've been so selfish. I abandoned and neglected her when I should have been coming here with him every time to remind her that she is loved. My pain shouldn't have been bigger than her need for me to go to her.

I pull out the long heavy stone sign we had made yesterday, shaking as I fumble with the bubble wrap and unable to hold in my sobs as my body starts to vibrate. Consumed with regret and heartbreak. Giving up the strong façade and falling apart now I'm here, and it's so different to mourning her from afar.

"I'm sorry, Tia. Mommy's sorry that she didn't come…." It's all I can blub out, sliding to my knees while cradling the cold stone to my chest, and my shoulders heave with my agony. Unbearable pain weighs me down, and I struggle to breathe through the heaviness.

"Hey." Jyeon comes to me, abandoning his flowers wrappers, kneeling behind me so he can slide his arms around me, and holds me in tight. Stroking my hair back but letting me cry it out. "You didn't do anything to be sorry for. You didn't want to lose her, and you couldn't help that your pain kept you away from here. You were grieving in your own way too. I'm sorry that I never understood you when you needed me… that I wasn't there for you when we were going through this at the worst of it. I'm sorry for how I was and how much I blamed you. I wish I could go back and change it."

His voice breaks as he nuzzles his cheek against mine, and I start to choke on my misery, rubbing my hand over my face to try and combat the waterfall that's soaking my face and collar. I feel like my heart is being shredded as I stare at the cherub carving …. as though it's her smiling, sweet face, and I have so much to say to her with so little ability to formulate the words. How can I tell her in a way that would make her understand that my leaving her here alone was not her fault? It was my inability to face what I felt I did back then.

"I should never have gone to Germany. I should have taken more care… I should have listened to my body. I should have held onto her with everything I had. I shouldn't have left her alone when she needed me." The sobs wrack my body, but Jyeon holds me tight, keeping me cuddled in even as pain tears me apart. His own body is moving slightly because he has tears too.

"Do you know how many women take drugs, get drunk, party, do extreme sports and allsorts and never hinder their pregnancies? Probably more than you realize, Sol. This wasn't because you didn't look after yourself… it just was. She wasn't meant to be, and it took me a long time to realize that. You were in shock… pain... I should have been more understanding and realized you needed me by your side."

"It was my fault. I didn't come to her and left you with her as though I didn't care." I can't accept that I had no blame for this. I got on a plane while knowing it was risky. I never went to the hospital when I had my first show of blood as I should have. And when she was laid in an incubator fighting for her life, I had no courage to walk in those doors and see her strapped to machines while he held her tiny hand. I didn't know how.

"You were already losing her. Nothing would have stopped that. The post mortem said she wasn't healthy, and she had issues that meant she probably wouldn't have had a problem-free life. Don't you remember?" Jyeon dregs up almost forgotten memories that were all a blur back. I shake my head, vaguely recalling doctors and reports, but it was such a foggy mess while I lived through that period like a numb and mindless corpse. I remember them mentioning a problem with her heart, but at the time, it held no significance against what I did. I figured my lack of adequately looking after myself caused it all, as did he.

"I blamed you, thinking your lack of self-care caused it, but it didn't. Look around you, Sol. How many kids are here? How many are stillborn babies whose mothers probably did everything right and yet still didn't hold onto them."

I follow his hand gesture as he waves along the row to our left, and my eyes scan the endless sea of marble around us, knowing a lot of these are babies for various reasons. So many engravings of cute animals, cherubs, or baby items. Sweet messages or décor that highlights it's a child.

"I've read them, trust me. Years of coming here, walking this path ... I realized how many women have lost babies as young as Tia and how many stillborns are buried here, especially after you were gone. None of the parents who brought their kids here would have deliberately done anything to their children. Neither did you. We lost her because that was her fate."

"I know." I sniff through my tears, clogged and choked up, and know in my heart that he's right. Greta has drummed this into my head a million times, but being here… seeing her…. It's so much harder to deal with my remorse and regret when my child is six feet under the ground in front of me. Kneeling here, knowing I should be begging for her forgiveness.

"We were dealt a shitty hand, and we went through hell, but it doesn't mean us changing anything back then would have changed the outcome. Tia was never meant to spend time with us... I've accepted that, and so should you. I regret that I abandoned you and focused on my grief instead of helping you deal with yours. I was a shitty husband when you needed me the most."

Jyeon pulls me back into his body with a harder squeeze trying to translate how much he means every word, and it helps bring some of my sense back. Comforting me.

"I did the same. I pushed you away and ignored your pain too. I was so consumed with my own and running away from it. We failed each other, Jyeon. We should have dealt with it like this."

"We both did things, and we're both sorry….. what matters now is that Tia knows we love her and never forget her. Whatever we face in the future, we do it together, and we talk about what hurts us." Jyeon turns me, pulling me bodily into his lap as he slides his legs under me and somehow manages to cradle me sideways with little effort. He uses his fingers to dry my face and tame the hair back that clings to my skin. Lifting my chin so he can gaze into my eyes and I see his own sodden and tear-streaked expression and frown at him. There's such raw intensity between us when this way.

"We won't forget her, and we won't stop coming here no matter where we end up. She's still our kid, even if she can't be with us, and I don't want her to be why we're apart anymore. Let's leave our regrets and blame right here and put an end to it. All of it. .... Give our baby her name and start how we mean to go on."

"I want that." My voice is feeble and tiny, and I realize I am still clutching this slate sign we bought to grace her stone until a new headstone can be engraved. Blinking down at it and seeing Tia Marie Park staring back at me. Holding onto it as though I am clinging to her, Jyeon gently lifts me with him and brings us to kneeling once more. Turning me so I end up back in front of him and cradled so I can lean down and lay it where it belongs. This symbolic act of finally giving her the name I should have uttered six years ago.

My hand shakes, tears roll down my face again as I prop it carefully against the polished surface on the lip of the base and nestle it under her rainbow of flowers. Admiring it, running my fingers across the embossed letters with love. Feeling like a weight lifting in some small way by allowing the world to see she always had a name. One her mother gave her.

"I love you, Tia," I utter breathlessly, feeling Jyeon squeeze me and show his support as I let the plaque go. I stare at it propped there for a second, knowing that I should let go of the guilt and remorse as he wants, but I know that it will always linger, even if it's with less intensity, and I'll always blame myself in some way. Not because I think he's wrong and that fate wasn't a huge factor, but because, as her mother, it was my job to fight with everything I had to keep her safe even if my own body failed me. I don't think that's an unnatural or healthy response, but something the mothers of all these babies around me probably feel even after so many decades. I think it's natural, just as it is for Greta, to still blame herself for something she had little control over either.

"Think she's looking down on us right now?" Jyeon asks me, his voice light and breathy, and he nestles against me, resting his chin on my shoulder. Moving his hands to my hips to hold me in this position.

"I hope so. I hope she's aging up there and has friends who love and care for her every second that we can't. I hope she's happy that we came together and that I never forgot her."

"Five-year-old Tia. I bet she looks just like her mom did at that age... the cutest little girl you ever laid eyes on. Breaking the hearts of every boy in sight." Jyeon leans in and kisses me on the cheek, pressing his lips and holding them against my damp skin for a few seconds before hugging me again.

"I'm glad you talked me into this," I say aloud, more for me than him, yet I mean it. "I'm glad I came. I want to come again."

"I come every month; I'll happily bring you. Then maybe we can bring Tia a little brother or sister one day." Jyeon makes a breathy noise like a silent laugh under his breath, and my eyes mist over as I think about it. Something I had given up hope of in my future, and yet sitting here, I realize it's a possibility that one day I can carry another child of Jyeon's.

I don't reply. Not because I disagree or it upsets me, but because I start imagining what that would be like. To be past all this and healed enough to be able to move forward with him and one day bring another child into this world. It gives me a tiny inkling of hope and fear combined, yet also a flicker of light, and I chew on my lip and ponder that we might finally get to be happy one day.