Bananas, peaches, walnuts, and pears

"Who are you going out with this weekend, again?"

Alexis asked me this late one Friday afternoon, while he was keeping me company as I got dressed for that evening's date. (Hey, my resolution to try celibacy lasted for three whole days. I mean what else am I supposed to do, be alone forever? What are my choices, here?)

"Marybeth," I answered, my back to him as I leaned in towards my mirror so I could smooth out my eyebrows.

"I could have sworn you said her name was Marissa?"

"I dated Marissa last Saturday. I'm taking out Marybeth tonight."

Alexis sighed. "I don't know how you keep track of them all."

"Haha! I can't. You see the trick is to not call out any names at all!" I felt bad when I looked at his reflection in the mirror and saw he was grimacing, but I kept my Blissfully Ignorant™ face on. I'm really not sure how much I truly disgust him and how much he's just pretending to be shocked. But at least I've never said or done anything that's scared him away permanently...so far.

"You're on the highway to hell, Erik."

"Hey, at least I'm going through heaven first! You know, I can always ask if she has a friend who's free tonight. Then you can come along, too."

This was a weekly ritual between the two of us: I'd tell him I could find someone to go out with him even though I knew he wasn't allowed to date, and he'd say he wasn't interested in going anyway, and I'd tell him he was a freak of nature and needed to learn to appreciate my hobbies. I obviously never told him that the real reason I was always trying to convince him to come along with me was because if he and I went on a double date, then I might be able to pretend we were the ones going out together.

"Thanks but no thanks, I'm still not interested." His tone never held any contempt or exasperation in it, if anything he sounded amused just because it was the same old script week after week.

"It's unhealthy for a guy your age to be thinking that way. One day you'll learn to appreciate my hobbies and you'll beg me for forgiveness for having wasted so much precious time," I recited my lines just like clockwork.

I twirled around to face him in person and found that he had flopped backwards onto my bed, his arms and legs carelessly sprawled out like he was about to make a snow angel. Or like he was waiting for someone to come along and tie his hands and feet to the bedposts. He looked so innocently oblivious, and yet at the same time...so...so...HNNNNG. And that pose! And the fact that he was on MY bed.

Shit.

"I'm almost done, I just need to do the finishing touches. I'll be right back, okay?" I hurried into my bathroom and shut the door, pretty sure I had gotten away before the bulge had become visible through my pants.

"Shiiiiit."

I had already jacked off over Alexis dozens of times (...that week...) but I had never, ever done it while he was at my house, let alone while he was five feet away and we only had two inches of cheap particle board between us. But there was no way I could go back out there without taking care of this first.

"Shit, shit, shit."

I opened the door a crack and peeked out to make sure he was still on my bed. It made me jump when he opened his eyes and shifted slightly to look at me. I cracked a nervous smile and said, "Are you hungry? You could go downstairs and help yourself to something while you're waiting."

"Nah, I'm fine."

Dammit Alexis, throw me a bone here. Although I suppose he already had, which was why I was in this predicament in the first place.

I muttered something insignificant in reply and shut the door again, resigning myself to the fact that there was no other way out of this. I needed to be fast—and quiet. I unzipped very carefully and got to work with the vivid picture of him lounging around on my bed fresh in my mind. It was absurd how ridiculously good-looking he could be and not even realize it. I bet he even tastes good. His mouth, I mean. Probably like fruit. He likes fruit. Oranges are his favorite, I mean you can give him a single wedge and he'll suck on it for an hour, even after all the pulp is gone. Unfortunately I don't remember ever seeing him with a banana. And all of that fruit pretty much guarantees that his precious crotch nectar tastes good too—

I involuntarily whimpered and instantly froze. It probably hadn't been loud enough for him to hear, but I turned the faucet on full blast anyway to try to cover up any other noises that might escape. I gripped the counter with my other hand to steady myself and got back to work, realizing that Alexis might figure out what was going on if I didn't hurry up. It only took a few more strokes before I came into the basin of the sink, knowing that images of Alexis molesting fruit would be staying with me over the next few days. After I caught my breath, I hurried to clean up myself and the sink before I stepped back out into my bedroom, looking cool as a cucumber to Alexis, who didn't think I had been gone for very long at all.

.:.

PS: My date went horribly! First of all, Marybeth was really nice. She had worn a pretty dress, and she had done her hair up all fancy, and she smelled really good. Second of all, she said she really liked me and that she had never had so much fun on a date before. Finally, she was roughly the same size as Alexis, so when I was on top of her later that night it made it even easier for me to fantasize about him. Afterwards, during the mandatory cuddling, I felt like shit and was torn between going ahead and continuing to pretend she was Alexis, because what difference did it make at that point, or getting the hell out of there so I wouldn't be using her as an object anymore.

I chose the latter. I'm getting soft, but not in the way I need to be. Sigh.