46

Rei

I watch the kids day in and day out, I feel like I can't breathe when they're not in my line of vision. I can't help but feel like the calm before the storm is over, I can't take it anymore.

Kai has run off again, typical of him. Toya too, typical of him too.

Their always disappearing, I mean, what if I just got up and left, what then?

Of course they would hunt me down, yell at me, then possibly lock me up in a cage somewhere. I'm lucky I can wish for whatever I need.

I can't quite remember where I got this power from, there's still a block on my memories, but whatever, I am grateful to whoever it is, they did me a solid, especially right now.

Kendo is not picking up my call, I am hungry for some chicken salad, that extra-large deluxe. If I could just have it in my hands, oh I wish, I can just taste it.

I look and it's in my hand.

Weird, I open the bag and eat the meal, huh, it's real. So far I have only wished for inanimate objects, did not know I could wish for food too, bonus points for that.

I eat up and change the kids before taking a shower, then I sleep on the bed in the baby room.

I wake up in my bed with Toya talking to the boys.

"Where were you?" I ask.

I don't know, but I feel like they're up to know good. This sinking feeling of inevitable dooms day is getting worse, or maybe I am suffering the same post traumatic stress as Kai and Toya, I have just been in denial.

I don't want to think about my babies gone, so I focus on the idea that they're coming back, I have been insensitive to Kai and Toya's rage because I don't want to go down that path.

I don't want to hurt, feel the pain, blame myself for all the crap I have done, the crap that should not have happened on my watch.

If I had just done my damn job and protected my kids like I should this would not be happening. I let my guard down, I have fucking Toya and Kai on my side, what could possibly go wrong?

That's how I felt, fucking invincible.

Then, the reality that they are just human kicked me in the chest so hard, I could not allow my heart to break.

The reality of the situation is that they both were still in love with Yachi, they could never bring themselves to handle the situation.

They blame themselves instead of her, does that not mean they are still in love with her?

No!!!!

Keep it together Rei, she's dead, don't give her the satisfaction of beating you like this. Just don't.

"Visiting my parents. Kai is mentoring those kids, you remember, lizard boy, Kendo, and Katsuki. Did you know that Katsuki had him named that so they could cover their tracks?" Toya says.

"Yeah, he's been helping me out while you're not here," I take a deep breath, "How do you visit family when they are at your house?" Fucking Toya just lied to me.

What the hell?

I grab a bag with my stuff in it, "There's formula in the cabinet and give Aiden his milk cold, he prefers to warm it himself. Constantly warm up Killihua's milk, he can freeze it." I leave the house for some air.

I get in the car and drive to a hotel, I am losing my fucking mind, she wanted me to mistrust them, and now I am, how many times has Toya lied about where he's been?

Every fucking time I ask, he hates that question.

I can't get all these fake memories out of my head, I cannot tell the real experiences I shared with Toya and Kai from the fake ones. I love Toya, I never wanted to admit it but I do and she is not taking that away from me.

Kai is here at a table with the kids, so he's not lying behind my back, just Toya.

Fuck!

I want alone time.

They have some nerve to be going off on their own. I need help, do I need to ask daily? They don't bother if I don't ask. How annoying.

I sit in my hotel room and sleep. I wake up an hour later and remember I get to sleep in today.

I close my eyes, I am resting whether my body wants to or not.

~

I wake up and Toya is shooshing the twins by the window.

"What are you doing here?" I ask and he doesn't reply, "Toya?" I sit up not sure if it's in my head or not.

"It's me, go back to sleep." He looks out the window like the world is out to get him.

I hate this. I hate this overly paranoid Toya. He is the Toya I'm afraid off, he's gone dark and I'm powerless to do anything about it.

I can't help him.

This is all fucking Yachi's fault. She's too dead for me to kill her for it.

What would make all this madness end?

I stand up and he turns around instantly.

"Toya what will it take for you to finally let your guard down? You're even locking me out, what do I have to do to show you I can be trusted, I'm not your enemy, I want this family to work, but …"

He kisses me and I look him in the eyes. I know that look in his eyes, he's completely gone dark, there's nothing I can do.

Toya has never kissed me with his eyes open, I can say I have never done the same to him, until now.

I hug him.

"Toya, please. You have to come back from that dark place or I'll follow you in there, I'm not giving up on you." I bury my face in his chest, why does he think he is so unlovable, why does he think I want better, "I just want you, so stop pushing me away."

"Rei, I don't want to fight. So, drop it, not today, I'm not doing this again." He dismisses me so coldly and I let him go.

He puts the boys down, they're not sleeping, they look so cute with their eyes open.

"Toya, I take back what I said, okay, slaughter the whole fucking world if it makes you happy, just don't push me away, stop it." I punch him in the chest. I just want him to stop.

I can't help that I love him. I just do.

The tears fall and my heart breaks again.

"Rei I am protecting my family, and I won't stop until their safe. That includes you, so stop running off on your own every weekend. I don't mind babysitting, I enjoy it, but I won't have you out of my sight." He wipes my tears, "I love you more than I could ever love anyone."

I frown, "Toya, you only ever love me when someone else wants me. Is that what I have to do? Be with someone else?"

He breathes down my neck, the heat from his breath is burning my skin, "I dare you to try. I will kill them." He gives me a small gift, "I meant to give that to you before."

I open the box and it's got another box inside. I open this one and there's a little black box with faux fur material around it. I look him in the eyes and he kisses me.

I shake my head, "No, Toya. I won't fall for the same old trick again. You used that very trick on me over and over again before. Always giving me just enough to stay hooked.

"I had 80 years to detox from your bullshit, I won't fall for the same shit again, this time it's either I get all of you or none, and you're constantly choosing none.

"Am I that bad, that you just couldn't love me? I keep thinking that you're the one who's convinced he cannot be loved, maybe I'm just the one who cannot be loved.

"I just want you, why are you doing this to me? What more begging do I have to do Toya, I've groveled at your feet, sulked at your alter, I've done everything."

Why, did I have to love such a selfish bastard?

What is wrong with me? Why don't I just leave him? Walk away?

Why am I so against co-parenting so much? What can I do if my kids father is a selfish bastard? I can't keep doing this to myself.

Fuck!!!

Is this even love? Do I really love him? Or is it something else?

I mean he has point blank, upfront, rejected me, over and over again, and yet, I stay hooked. I continue to choose him over Kai, the man working his ass of to be with me, for Toya, the asshole who knows he has my heart in his hands.

He makes it beat to his own tune, when he does not want it to beat, he squeezes it until it stops beating, then when he wants me back he brings it back to life.

That's the only reason I could never be with Kai. I know Toya will come back, and I will break Kai's heart, I have to completely get over Toya or I am screwed. Bound to this toxic cycle, Attached to a fucking crazy person.

"Toya, this is your last chance, give it to me straight, should I stay or should I go?" No more games.

"Fucking Go." He points to the door and I open the door walking into the elevator. Damn traitorous tears.

"Rei? What happened?"

I wipe the tears away and it's Katsuki, "Break up."

The doors open and I get off multiple floors before my destination I just want to be alone. I take the elevator next to this one and it opens. Toya is inside it.

"Rei get inside." He offers Aiden who's fiddling again. I step on the elevator and rock him in my arms singing him his favorite song.

The door opens and we go back to the room. Killuhua is smiling, or maybe I imagined it.

I sit on the bed and Toya sits beside me when the kids are sleeping.

"Rei, look at me please."

He does not exist. I do not speak to ghosts. I am done with him

"Rei, don't do this."

"It's what you want, now lay with your demons." You reap what you sow, and since you want loneliness so bad, let it be.

He cups my cheek, "There's nowhere you could go where I wouldn't find you. Rei, I took your life from you twice, didn't you have hopes and dreams? A life before kids?"

"A life with you was a two for one deal."