122. Chapter 122

AN: This chapter starts with more of Meredith in therapy, but then moves into Derek's POV. Some of you seem to enjoy reading the therapy sessions and some of you don't. I've written several conversations between Meredith and Wyatt to make a few things clear, but now we're moving into the part where Meredith and Derek move forward. I'm sure I'll include (smaller) sections of therapy sessions in future chapters, but it won't be as much of a focus as it's been.

"You're on time," Wyatt commented as she opened the door to her office and ushered Meredith inside, an eyebrow raised in pretend surprise.

Meredith offered the psychiatrist a wry smile. "Hey, I'm early."

Wyatt smiled back. "By a minute."

Meredith shrugged as she walked into the room and dropped herself down onto the familiar couch. "Still..."

Wyatt closed the door and then sat on her chair, notepad in her lap. She looked expectantly at Meredith. "How did the contest end?"

"I won," Meredith told her. "I was right about my patient having the brain tumour."

Wyatt nodded and for a moment Meredith thought she was going to back to her questions for their last session the previous week and ask Meredith about why the first symptom that caught her attention was the patient getting married on the spur of the moment, but Wyatt simply made a note and moved on. "How was your Thanksgiving?"

"It was really nice," Meredith said, smiling at the happy memory. She and Derek had spent the entire day at home, just the two of them. No hospital. No stress. In the evening, they had called Derek's mother to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving, and Meredith had happily chatted with her and half of Derek's sisters. And when they had gone to bed, he had still been looking at her like he had that morning. His expression didn't suggest he thought she was weak or damaged. She had fallen asleep feeling loved and more thankful than she could remember.

"Did you do anything special?"

"Derek and I both had the day off, and actually managed to get through the day without being paged."

"Did you have a big turkey dinner?"

She shook her head. "We had a turkey, but it was just the two of us. His family is in New York and we talked about having friends over, but it's our first year in our new home and married and..." she shrugged, "I guess we just wanted it to be the two of us." She paused and glanced towards the fish tank. "I told him. About this."

"And how did that go?"

She stared at the fish for a long moment before turning her attention back to Wyatt. "It went okay. He was, uh... He was really supportive."

"That's good. Did you expect him not to be?"

She shook her head. "No, he's always supportive. It's just...hard. He's..." She trailed off. "It's not easy to describe. He's always supportive, but he likes to fix things. And he can't help me right now, even though he wants to. The fact that I need a kind of help he can't give me isn't easy for him to understand." Though they hadn't spent much time actually discussing her therapy over the weekend, she had seen several flashes of concern and uncertainty in his eyes. She had done her best, each time, to make him feel needed, but she wasn't sure how much of it was getting through to him. She knew he supported her – and would always support her – but that didn't mean he wasn't struggling to understand why she needed help that he couldn't give her.

Wyatt smiled and nodded.

Meredith lifted an eyebrow. "That's a good thing?"

Wyatt shook her head, but her smile didn't change. "It's not a good thing that your partner is struggling to understand your needs. But I'm impressed by your statement. You clearly have a very strong relationship if you're able to make those connections. You recognize a characteristic of your partner, and you understand how this is affecting him. It's not just about you or him."

Meredith managed a small smile back. "We do have a strong relationship. He wants to understand. He just..." She sighed. "I think he feels like he's failed me or something."

"What did you tell him?"

"I told him the truth. I tried to explain what my problem is, and I think he understands. And I told him I still need him to help me; that I wanted to be able to tell him about therapy." She hesitated before adding, "I told him I still needed him to be my husband." It was the simple truth, even if it was a little embarrassing to say out loud to someone who wasn't Derek. She liked having a husband and had come to depend on him. She needed him to keep seeing her and treating her like before. She needed to still feel like his wife, even if she was here alone, trying to stop being so insecure.

Wyatt nodded encouragingly.

"He knows it's not his fault that I'm here. I think he just feels like he could have done more to help me."

"Do you think he could have done more?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. He's done so much for me. This is... This has been coming for a while. And it's not causing problems now, but it will. I don't know when, but I know it will eventually." She blinked away a sudden stinging in her eyes as a small wave of fear washed over her. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her, and she would not risk losing him to this. "I can't let this...thing get in the way of my future." I fought too hard for it, she added silently. I want it too much.

Wyatt nodded. "Then let's work together to not let it get in the way of your future."

Meredith nodded back, but soon the draw of the fish tank pulled her gaze away from Wyatt. She was determined, but this was all a little overwhelming and she needed a moment.

Wyatt gave her several moments to collect herself. All Meredith heard from her side of the room was the scratching of her pen across the pad of paper in her lap, probably making notes about Meredith's relationship with Derek. Meredith hoped what she had said was true; that she and Derek had a strong relationship. She didn't have anything to compare it to, but she couldn't imagine it being any better. She felt like she understood Derek's feelings and that he understood hers. She felt like they had the same expectations for now and for the future. She loved him and didn't question that he loved her back. She trusted him implicitly, even if she wasn't fully able to comprehend what that meant.

"You sound like you've been thinking about our last session over the weekend," Wyatt spoke up after several minutes, her tone soft and encouraging. "You're confused because you're able to suffer and feel happy at the same time, but you don't understand it," she summarized.

"Because it's new," Meredith added. Bad things had always resulted in personal loss before. Her parents fought a lot, and then her dad left. Her mother took her to the merry-go-round in the park one day, but she fought with Dr. Webber from the hospital, and Meredith started to be neglected. Ellis brought a scalpel home from work one day, and Meredith lost any glimmer of childhood or innocence she had left. Expecting the worst was a learned response, so when something bad happened now, like her best friend's fiancé leaving her at the altar, Meredith panicked because she couldn't possibly feel the bad and not have everything around her fall apart.

"We talked about you not understanding your reactions to certain events, most specifically when you're caught off guard or you're invested in a role model of sorts."

Meredith shifted her gaze back to the therapist and nodded. Not having known how to do so many things, she had unconsciously selected people to model her behaviour after.

"You gave the examples that you started questioning your abilities when Dr. Bailey's son was hurt, that you were overly anxious because you agreed to that competition without first discussing it with your husband, and that you let the hospital gossip get to you after your husband's friend spread a rumour that you were pregnant."

Again, Meredith nodded. As individual events, they had confused her, but compared to each other, she was able to see the response pattern.

"Now that you've had the weekend to think about it, have you come up with any other examples?"

"A couple," she admitted. Now that she was aware of the pattern it was easier to recognize.

"Want to tell me?"

No, she thought to herself. Now that Wyatt was aware of the problem, she wanted her to just tell Meredith how to fix it. But she'd play for now. "I think I made my best friend a role model, too. Cristina and I were interns together, and she started seeing an attending around the same time I started seeing Derek. We had a lot in common. And she got engaged about a month before I did. They planned a wedding right away..." She shook her head. "Well, he planned a wedding right away. They were supposed to get married the day after we wrote our intern test."

"Supposed to?"

"He didn't go through with it; basically left her at the altar. And I felt like I needed her to get married. So many bad things happened in the weeks leading up to it. I guess I made her a role model like I did with Dr. Bailey."

"And what was your reaction to the failed wedding?"

Meredith sighed and looked away. "I ran away."

"From what?"

"From Derek. And life." She sighed. "Derek and I had plans to go away for two weeks; the first to spend in New York with his family and the second to the Bahamas. Instead I got on a plane to Hawaii with Cristina and Izzie, our friend." She closed her eyes at the shame of the memory. "I couldn't even tell Derek to his face. I left him a message."

"How did Derek handle that?"

She almost laughed. "He was perfect and understanding, as usual. He got my message in time to rush to the airport and catch me before I got on the plane. He didn't even ask me to stay. He told me to go and promised he'd still loved me."

"How do you feel about that?"

Meredith sighed. She hated what she had done to him. She wanted to stop talking now, but forced herself to continue. "It makes me feel good to know that he understands me and loves me, but I..." She trailed off.

"You what?"

"I wouldn't have been able to do what he did. If he had done that to me I would have..." She shook her head, not wanting to continue.

"How does it make you feel?"

"Weak," she admitted shamefully, shifting her gaze back to the fish tank.

Wyatt allowed her a moment before speaking up again. "The end of your internship would have been about the time you got married."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed without tearing her gaze from the fish tank. Looking back now, it scared her to wonder what would have happened if she hadn't gotten on the plane to New York. What if she had stayed in Hawaii for the entire two weeks? Would her relationship have survived? She liked to think so, but couldn't be sure. They definitely would be as strong as they were now. She'd probably still be feeling guilty and Derek may never have looked at her the same way.

"Tell me how that happened."

"After a day in Hawaii I realized how stupid I was being. I got myself to New York. Derek had gone anyway because he hadn't seen his family in a year. We stayed there for the rest of the week and then went to the Bahamas like we'd originally planned."

"How did you come to that realization?"

"Izzie helped a lot," she explained, thinking back. "And getting some sleep and space helped." She could remember the level of exhaustion she had been feeling, both physically and emotionally.

"How did Izzie help?"

"I was so confused. So many bad things happened. I couldn't get perspective. And I couldn't understand how..." She trailed off with a wry laugh. Her feelings at that time made more sense now. She forced her gaze back to Wyatt. "I couldn't understand how I could still be happy, overall, with everything that happened."

Wyatt offered Meredith a small smile. "That's a good example."

Meredith smiled back, allowing herself to be encouraged by the praise; even though she didn't like or understand the behaviour she was able to offer prime examples. She didn't know how to fix the behaviour, but that was why she was here.

"Any others?"

"Maybe," she admitted. "There's one other I thought of, but I'm not sure..."

"Tell me and we'll work it through together."

"I have this half-sister. Lexie. I didn't know she existed until this year, and I only met her when she started her internship here this year."

"This is your father's child?"

She nodded. "One of them."

"I assume from what you said last week that you lost contact with your father when you and your mother moved away from Seattle?"

Meredith hesitated before nodding. "Yes," she said curtly, making it clear she didn't want to talk about her father any further.

"Okay. So, tell me about Lexie."

"She wanted a relationship with me as soon as we met, but I... I couldn't. It took a long time for me to accept that she may actually just want to know me, you know? So, I started to let her in. We did this thing where we told each other things about ourselves, back and forth. It was...easy. And kind of nice. But then...our..." She trailed off for a moment. "Thatcher, her father and my...whatever, was in the ER. He was drunk and cut his hand. I stitched him up and he was so...fatherly. Proud and apologetic and all those things I never got from him. After getting to know Lexie I actually thought it was possible to..." She stopped herself before she finish with have a family. "I fell for it. He told me it was Susan...that was his wife who died. He told me it was Susan's birthday. I thought I was offering him comfort. I thought I was maybe doing the family thing. And I thought I was being a good sisterly type person by telling Lexie about him being here and being sympathetic about Susan."

"So, what went wrong?"

"Apparently it wasn't Susan's birthday and Thatcher's just an alcoholic now. And Lexie just...snapped. She yelled at me. And after everything I just...shut down. I think I had a panic attack. I couldn't breathe."

"What happened afterwards, with Lexie?"

"I thought we were done, but she apologized. And she seemed to...really mean it. I don't..." She trailed off. She still wasn't entirely certain of Lexie's motives, but she wanted to trust that the younger Grey truly just wanted to know her. "We moved on. I think...I'm not sure she's a sister, but we're on the way to that."

"And with your father?"

"He's not my father."

Wyatt nodded. "Okay. With Thatcher?"

"I don't want to talk about him."

Wyatt paused for a moment before saying, "Okay." She made a note. "Why do you think you reacted that way?"

Meredith sighed. She'd already told Wyatt far more than she'd expected or wanted to. The last thing she wanted was to talk about it in depth any further. "Can't you just tell me how to fix it? You know what the problem is now."

"The first step to fixing it is being able to recognize the problem. Then you need to understand the problem. You're already able to recognize the problem. That's an excellent start. But it's only a start. Now you have to learn to understand the problem."

Meredith ran a hand over her face.

"It's the only way to move into the fixing stage."

She huffed. "Fine."

Wyatt smiled. "So, tell me why you reacted the way you did?"

Derek glanced at the clock on his office wall for the umpteenth time in the past hour since he had escaped from the floor to catch up on paper work. Or, at least the plan was to catch up on paperwork. He'd hadn't caught up with his wife before she'd been scheduled to start her fourth therapy session – the first he had been made aware of beforehand – and he had been distracted the entire time he'd been sitting at his desk.

Her admission on Thanksgiving had caught him off guard. He had known she had been suffering from some insecurities, especially since Tucker's accident, but he had thought time would make everything better. He had thought he was enough to help her, to make her see how amazing she was. The fact that she had sought help elsewhere shook him, made him feel far more vulnerable and less needed that he liked. He had thought he was enough for her. But she was looking for help that he couldn't give her.

He wanted to be enough to help her.

He wanted her to get help if that's what she thought she needed. But he also wanted desperately to be the one to help her. He wasn't about to stop her from getting help elsewhere – he would never stop her from getting help she wanted – but it was unnerving not to be the one she came to.

After her initial explanation on Thanksgiving he had promised to try his best to understand. They had returned to work on Friday and Saturday, but hadn't spoken another word about the therapy until Sunday, when she had reminded him of her appointment.

'My, uh, appointment is at five tomorrow,' she had told him over dinner.

He'd looked up from his plate in surprise. Even though he'd spent the past three days processing the information, the fact that she had an actual appointment reminded him of how real this all was. 'Okay,' he'd responded.

'Okay,' she had echoed. Her eyes had flickered almost nervously away from his.

He had felt his chest tighten. The last thing he wanted was for her to be afraid to talk to him. He had forced a supportive smile to his lips. 'Why don't you meet me in my office when it's over, and we can go home together?' It was an invitation to discuss her session with him. It was the closest to acceptance he could come without fully understanding why she needed this.

Her gazed had flickered back to his and the corners of her lips had curled upwards. 'I'd like that.'

It was a little after six now. She should be ready to go home by now. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

Five months of marriage and his wife was in therapy. She said it had nothing to do with him, but he couldn't help but feel inadequate for her. She needed something he couldn't give her and that ate at him. He loved her. He wanted nothing but good things for her. He wanted her to be happy.

He wanted to make her happy.

He didn't want her feeling like there were things she couldn't talk to him about. He didn't want her thinking she needed to hide any of herself away from him. And he definitely didn't want her thinking he couldn't handle anything she had to say.

With a frustrated huff, he slammed shut the chart he was attempting to notate. It had been lying open on his desk for a good fifteen minutes. Clearly he wasn't in the right mindset to get any work done right now, not with his thoughts so chaotic.

After growing up in a house of women, he had been raised to respect independence in them. He didn't need or want a house-wife or a trophy-wife. He didn't need or want a wife to be Mrs. Derek Shepherd. He loved Meredith's independence. He was honoured that she had wanted to hyphenate her last name with his. He loved seeing the ring finger of her left hand sparkle. He loved calling her his wife and hearing her call him her husband. But he didn't need any of that from her. If she had kept only her own name and declined to wear his rings, he would still love her just the same. He wasn't old fashioned or traditional or chauvinistic in that way; he wanted her to be independent.

But he also wanted her to need him. He liked being the strong one. He liked being the one she could always count on. It may be old fashioned thinking, but he couldn't help it. He had learned that it was okay to be vulnerable with her, that it was okay to need her as well. And he had even come to like going to her. He could let her be the strong one sometimes. He understood how much stronger their relationship was for that. He understood how important that was; how necessary.

It was different, though, than this.

This scared him. Because she maybe didn't need him as much as he needed her. This scared him because she needed someone strong and she was going to someone else for help.

Someone who wasn't him.

A sound at his door caught his attention before his thoughts could deteriorate any further. He watched the doorknob turn and then the door slowly push open. And then she was standing in the doorway, dressed in street clothes, her jacket draped over her arm, offering him a quiet smile. "Hey," she said quietly.

"Hey," he echoed, but said nothing more. He wanted to know everything and nothing at the same time. He wanted to ask questions, but didn't know where to start and didn't know what she wanted to tell him. He wanted to help, to fix everything for her, but that's not what she wanted from him. She needed to do this for herself, and he needed to figure out how to be her husband and let her do this for herself at the same time.

She surveyed him from the doorway for a long moment before quietly closing the door behind herself. She dropped her purse and jacket onto the chair opposite his at his desk, and then navigated around the desk to him. "Thank you for waiting for me," she whispered as she leaned back against the desk, as close to him as she could get. Her expression showed she was tired, but her eyes held understanding for his hesitance in this moment. She wasn't judging him for his silence. Even with his initial reaction, she had never made him feel guilty for not being able to understand.

He pushed his chair back from his desk, inviting her closer. It was rare he couldn't find the right words to say to her, but he instinctively knew how to speak to her without words. They'd always communicated well through looks and touch.

With a soft smile, she half-turned and lowered herself sideways onto his lap.

The moment she touched him, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He buried his nose into her hair and inhaled the faint scent of lavender still lingering from her morning shower. "How did it go?" He murmured against her scalp. This seemed like the right start. She could decide how much or how little to tell him.

She relaxed into his embrace. "I think it's going to be harder than I thought."

"Why is that?"

"Apparently to fix the problem I first have to be able to recognize it and understand it. I've got recognition down, but I'm crappy at understanding." She sighed heavily.

He tightened his arms around her. He didn't want some arrogant shrink telling her she wasn't good enough at anything. She was perfect. "I'm sure that's not true."

She rubbed her nose against his shoulder affectionately. "I just can't always understand why I react the way I do. But I guess that's why I'm in therapy."

He wanted to ask for an example, but he bit his tongue, knowing he would want to solve the question of why for her, and also knowing that wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to do this herself. He suspected that was actually a large part of the issue. He needed to learn to stay in support mode without moving into fix mode.

"I love you and I'm so sure of this," she continued, "But five months ago I ran away to Hawaii without you. And I don't understand why I did that."

"You were scared," he told her. He remembered the frustration and desperation that had overtaken him when he had listened to the message she had left on his phone. But he also remembered the utter defeat and uncertainty he had seen in her eyes when he had caught up with her in the airport.

"But what did I have to be afraid of?"

He opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. He had no answer for her, no explanation. "I don't know," he admitted. She shouldn't have been afraid of him, of them. And she shouldn't have been afraid of meeting his family; at least, not afraid enough to fly several time zones away in the opposite direction to avoid meeting them. They had delayed the trip to New York more than once previously. She would have known he'd do it again if that's what she needed. And they hadn't yet made any wedding plans, so she couldn't have been hiding from that. And Izzie had gone too, so it wasn't about not leaving Cristina alone.

She'd been devastated by Susan's death and then shattered by Thatcher's subsequent behaviour, but she had talked to Derek. She'd allowed him to comfort her and calm her down enough to write her intern exam the day before the wedding. The next morning they had woken up together and things had been fine. The stress had been there, yes, but she'd reached out to him for comfort. He'd made sure to catch up with her again before she left for the church, and again she had sought comfort from him. She'd told him she was having doubts and fears that weren't about him. They'd promised they'd talk the next day. But then Meredith had walked down the aisle alone in her bridesmaid dress to announce the wedding wasn't going to happen. The next time he'd seen her was the airport. Something has snapped inside her between her walking down the aisle and leaving three slightly hysterical messages on his phone, something he couldn't explain.

She snuggled closer. "I don't know either." She paused for a beat. "But I should be able to know, right?"

He shifted to rest his chin on the top of her head. She had a good point. He had long since forgiven her for running from him. And he had never blamed her, had never wanted her to feel bad, because he had always known she had run out of fear and not out of malice. But he had never stopped to dig down into the why of it all until now. There wasn't any valid connection between what she had gone through and how she had reacted, at least not that he could see. Their relationship had been strong and she'd been open with him right up until she'd panicked. "I guess you should know."

She sniffed. "I remember being terrified because so much had happened and yet you and I hadn't changed. But that doesn't make any sense at all. Why would that scare me? Why does that scare me?"

"I don't know," he admitted again. He'd tell her if he knew. "Did you ask Dr. Wyatt?"

"More like she asked me. I'm not sure if it's a work-it-out-on-your-own kind of thing or that she doesn't know either."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," he encouraged.

She breathed against his shoulder. "You always have so much faith in me," she murmured.

"Of course I do," he said simply, because it was simple.

She lifted her head, and the uncertainty in her gaze left him feeling useful, because he knew how to make that look go away.

He pressed a feather-light kiss to the tip of her nose and then cocked his head. "How could I not have so much faith in you? You're amazing."

The corner of her lips twitched, and he couldn't help but press a kiss to it. "You're the strongest person I know, Meredith. And the most determined." He paused before adding. "And the most stubborn."

She rewarded him with a soft laugh.

"So, there isn't a doubt in my mind that you will figure this out," he continued. "You're doing this really hard but really good thing for yourself, and I'm so proud of you."

She met his eyes evenly and offered him a grateful smile. "You're proud, but you still don't understand," she stated. It wasn't a question.

He wanted to deny it, to tell her he understood so she could focus on herself, but he would never lie to her. "I want to," he told her, "And I think I'm starting to."

"I want you to, too," she said. "I wish I could explain better, but I..."

"But you're still working on understanding it yourself," he finished for her. That, at least, he understood. She wasn't trying to keep him out of her head. In fact, it was the opposite. She was trying her best to let him in.

She nodded. "When I figure it out, you'll be the first to know." She shrugged. "Or maybe Wyatt will be, seeing as she'll probably have to walk me through it. But in that case you'll be the second to know."

He pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. "Agreed."

She giggled slightly. "I do feel better, even though I'm more confused than ever. I want to figure this out."

"You will," he assured.

With a sigh, she leaned her head against his shoulder again, apparently not in any hurry to actually go home. He closed his arms tighter around her and sighed as well. When she was curled up against him like this, he felt useful and needed. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too," she whispered back, "So much, Derek. I'm glad I'm doing this, but it's hard and I don't know how I'd be able to do it without you."

Her words helped ease his insecurities. He wasn't sure if she had said those words for herself or for him, but he didn't care. It made him feel better either way. "You'll never have to deal with that. I will always be here for you."

"I know," she said simply, and while her previous statement may have been for his benefit, he was certain she had no idea how much this one meant to him. He closed his eyes and inhaled slowly. As long as she knew he was there for her, he would be okay.

AN: Although it may seem this chapter didn't accomplish much, it's very important and I spent a lot of time getting Derek's thoughts right. With the split POV, we're able to see how Meredith views therapy from her POV and then how she explains it to Derek from his POV. And he's starting to understand. I never wanted to spend a lot of time on Derek 'not understanding,' but his character (especially in this universe) would never just accept it. Yes, he'd always be supportive and do whatever he can for his wife, but he needs some time for it to make sense. I'm really enjoying the intricacies of a strong married couple going through this together. They're both so in tune with the other's feelings.

The next chapter will jump forward a few weeks and offer some more progress. Then we'll get them through Christmas and on to the rest of 'season 4.'

Thanks for reading!