121. Second Thanksgiving

AN: This is the first official 'second' I've written for this fic. The second Thanksgiving. Hope you enjoy. It's all Meredith and Derek. Lots of fluff, with only a little angst that's not really all that angsty. The questions I said I'd be addressing can be found at the bottom of the chapter.

Thanks for reading!

When Meredith awoke, her mouth felt pasty and dry, her back was sore from lying in the same position for so long and her head hurt in that way that told her she had been sleeping for too long. And yet, she still felt exhausted.

Two weeks straight at the hospital will do that to you.

With a groan, she rolled onto her side and stared at the empty spot next to her. Derek had definitely been there when she had fallen asleep – they had continued her victory celebration in bed after getting home from the restaurant, and when they had finished, she had practically cocooned herself into his arms and closed her eyes – but his warm, naked body wasn't there now. It was awfully bright in the bedroom, though, despite the lights being off and the blinds shut. It had to be late morning, or even early afternoon.

Knowing he was a morning person, she couldn't fault him for having left her in bed. He had probably woken hours earlier.

Squinting, she stared across the bed to read the digits off of the clock on his bedside table. 12:09. That meant she had slept for...

Hmm.

It had been dark when they had returned from the restaurant, but not middle-of-the-night-dark. Evening dark, as if the sun had recently disappeared below the horizon. But it was late November, so that didn't really mean it had been late. And then after they got home, they'd continued celebrating her victory in bed. How long had that taken? It hadn't lasted as long as it sometimes did, but definitely wasn't quick. And they'd only gone one round.

With a sigh, Meredith gave up trying to come up with a time she may or may not have fallen asleep the night before. She'd slept for at least twelve hours, she concluded. That should be enough, but she knew after the last two weeks, it would take a few days before she felt caught up. Or, as caught up as she could, being that she was a surgical resident.

She yawned as sleep tugged at her mind. She closed her eyes and toyed with the idea of going back to sleep – it would be so easy – but she decided against it. She could catch up on sleep later when she didn't have an entire day to spend with her husband.

It was Thanksgiving, after all. It was also the first day she and Derek had off together in weeks. And she had already wasted hours of it sleeping.

Summoning all of her available energy, Meredith forced herself to roll over and get out of bed. She padded into the en-suite bathroom to relieve herself and brush her teeth. She toyed with the idea of a shower, but decided to wait. Maybe she'd convince Derek to join her for a shower later.

Instead, she returned to the bedroom and pulled on underwear, sweatpants and her Dartmouth tee shirt. It may be Thanksgiving, but she was determined to be thankful for being able to lounge all day in comfortable clothes.

She found Derek in the kitchen. His back was turned to her as he faced the stove. Quiet music played from the iPod dock in the living room, so she wasn't sure if he had heard her descent along the stairs. Most of the lower floor that she could see as she approached the kitchen was relatively tidy, with enough out of place to show it was lived in. A half full glass on the table beside the couch. The television on mute as a football game played on the screen. The remote for the television dropped on the coffee table. A throw blanket loosely folded on one of the lazy boys. A stack of mail sitting on the table by the front door, with a single letter having fallen to the floor.

Home. She hadn't realized just how much she had missed it.

She stopped briefly to pick up the letter from the floor, but paused before replacing it on the pile. It was just an ordinary bill from the phone company, but it was addressed to them both – Dr. Derek Shepherd and Dr. Meredith Grey-Shepherd – and that made her smile. She placed the bill on the table and continued to the kitchen. Derek was still facing away from her. She assumed he was doing something to the turkey. The counters around him were littered with food packages, bowls, books and notes. It looked like a calmer version of Izzie had hit the room.

Without hesitating, Meredith walked up behind Derek and snaked her hands around his waist. He was warm and solid to her touch, and he smelled like Derek. She pressed her body close to his with a sigh.

"Morning," he greeted, not having flinched at the contact. He must have heard her coming.

"Morning," she echoed, pressing her face into the space between his shoulder blades and inhaling through his thin tee shirt. He had apparently agreed with her on attire for the day, as he was wearing sweatpants and his Bowdoin tee shirt. "You should have woken me up."

He chuckled. "I was afraid to try, with those tiny, ineffectual fists and all."

She giggled. "You could have reminded me it was Thanksgiving."

"Then you probably would have told me you were thankful for your sleep."

"You may have a point. But I'm thankful for you, too."

He leaned back into her for a moment. "I'm thankful for you, too, Mer."

She pressed a kiss to the space between his should blades, and then one to his left shoulder, and then she reached up on her tip-toes as far as she could and managed to press a kiss right below his ear. "I'm so glad to be home," she whispered.

"Me too."

Returning to her previous position, she tightened her grip around him and sighed. "What are you doing?"

"Basting the turkey."

"Need help?"

He laughed. "Not if we actually want to eat it."

She grumbled against his back. "Mean."

"Do I not have a point?"

She said nothing in response.

He patted her hands over his abdomen. "I have to put the turkey back in the oven."

Reluctantly releasing her hold, she backed away to lean against the counter and watched as he opened the over door and slid the turkey back in. When he turned around to face her, he smirked. "I'll let you help with something else. How about the mashed potatoes?"

She crossed her arms over her chest as he approached her. "So, let me get this straight. You'll trust me to assist you in the OR when dealing with someone's brain, but in the kitchen all you trust me to do is beat the crap out of some potatoes with a stick?"

"A potato masher," he corrected.

"Not the point."

"Do I need to actually agree with you?" He stopped just inches away from her and raised an eyebrow. "I thought the question was rhetorical," he teased.

"I don't like you very much," she retorted.

He chortled. "Well, I happen to like you very much, despite your questionable cooking skills." He ducked his head and pressed a kiss to her lips. "In fact, I may just love you."

She smiled between kisses. "I may just love you, too, despite the fact that you're a big meanie."

"A meanie?" He laughed. "I don't think I've been called that since grade school."

It was her turn to smirk. "I can call you a grown up equivalent if you want."

He laughed again, shaking his head. "I'm good, but thanks for the offer."

She laughed, too, and reached for him. She grasped the fabric of his shirt in her hands and pulled her to him. He moved easily, pressing her back into the counter behind her and kissing her soundly. She ran her hands over his unshaven cheeks and then into his hair. His hands found her hips as he deepened the kiss. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to fall into the kiss. He was so warm and solid against her. And she had missed him so much. And right now she just wanted to-

He pulled away abruptly.

She opened her eyes to meet his. "What is it?" She asked.

He stepped back so he was about a foot away from her, his head cocked to the side. "I hear...something."

Meredith turned her head side to side, but heard nothing. "I don't hear anything." His hands were still on her hips, and she could still feel his body pressed to hers. She tugged at his tee shirt, wanting him close again. They had so much time to make up for. He acquiesced long enough to peck her lips, but pulled away again.

"I definitely hear something beeping. Did you bring your pager down?"

She glanced at the other counter where his pager sat. Alone. She sighed. "No. Crap." She extracted herself from his arms and hurried for the stairs. The last thing she wanted today was to go into the hospital. She freaking deserved a day off after the last two weeks. And she wanted desperately to spend some quality time with her husband. She had planned on lots of kissing, sex, cuddling and eating turkey. She had not planned on working.

Her pager was sitting on her bedside table. She snatched it off the table and held it up, praying it was something simple. Something a phone call could fix. Maybe one of her interns had a question. Or she forgot to sign something that could wait until tomorrow. Instead, there was nothing. The pager had not gone off.

"Maybe Derek's hearing things," she mumbled to herself. There weren't any missed messages on the pager. Pager still in her hand, she was turning to leave the room when she heard a slightly muffled beeping. It definitely sounded like a pager. But both hers and Derek's were accounted for. She stared at the silent pager in her hand as the beeping continued to sound in the room. What was-

In a flash, she realized what was making the noise. Her new pager. The sparkle pager she had won the night before. She must have left it in her purse.

Finding her purse on the floor by her side of the bed, she reached in and extracted the sparkle pager. She peered at the small screen, smiled, and stopped the alarm. She would have to get used to this going off regularly over the next two months.

Taking both pagers with her, she returned to the kitchen.

"Do you have to go in?" Derek asked. His upbeat demeanour had fallen since he had playfully pushed her up against the counter and kissed her after making fun of her cooking skills. He so obviously wanted to spend the day with her, but was trying not to make her feel bad if she had to work.

His expression tugged at her heart. She knew how lucky she was to have him and how important it was not to take advantage of his understanding nature. She would go into the hospital only if she had to. And right now she didn't have to.

"Nope," she announced, striding across the kitchen to the counter she had been leaning against before. This time she hoisted herself onto the counter, letting her legs dangle over the side, as if to prove she wasn't going anywhere. "It's just Cristina offering me an appendectomy."

He raised an eyebrow. "Cristina is offering you a surgery?"

She nodded. "She has to. Because she lost."

He sidled up to her, smiling now that he knew she wasn't leaving. "Care to explain?"

She brandished the sparkle pager at him. "This has magical powers, and I won it in the contest."

Derek took the small device. "It's very pink and sparkly," he commented.

"And magical. For the next two months Cristina, Izzie, George and Alex have to page it and offer me any surgeries they get."

He whistled. "That's definitely worth two weeks in the hospital."

She nodded.

"So, you don't want the appy?"

He cocked her head and met his eyes. "Derek, I wouldn't go in for a solo hemispherectomy today."

He smiled softly at her. "No?"

She shook her head. "No. It's thanksgiving. And I want to spend thanksgiving with my husband. No hospital. No surgeries."

He pushed between her dangling legs and wrapped his arms around her. The height of the counter put her a couple inches above him. He tucked his chin into the crook of her neck and sighed. She hooked her legs around his and wrapped her arms around his neck, enjoying being able to do so without stretching upwards. The added height was a nice change.

"I missed you," he practically breathed as his arms closed around her. "I know I saw you every day, but-"

"It wasn't the same," she finished for him. They hadn't been able to do this. They had had sex a few times and had even managed a single night in each others' arms, but that had all been at the hospital with the constant threat of being called to work. This was different. This was special. The intimacy they were able to share through hugs and kisses in their home was something Meredith had never realized existed not so long ago. Sex with him was amazing, definitely the best she'd ever had, but sometimes she wondered if she preferred these moments because they were filled with things she'd never experienced with anyone else before. In the Dictionary of Meredith, these moments were stored under the definition of love.

"It wasn't the same," he agreed, tilting his head forward for a moment to place a kiss where his chin had been resting.

She ran her hands up and down his back. "Thank you for being so understanding, Derek. I know it can't be easy to put up with my schedule."

"It's not a problem," he assured.

"It's not a problem because you don't make it a problem." She pressed her hands to his shoulders to push him back far enough to meet his eyes, and then she slid her hands up to cup her face. "You could make it a problem, but you don't. Because you're you. And I want you to know that I appreciate it." He had a history of ignoring his own feelings and allowing himself to be taken for granted. She wasn't about to let him do that with her. He would feel appreciated with her. And she was determined to be as strong for him as he was or her.

"It's really not a big deal."

She rolled her eyes. "Such a man," she commented.

He chuckled.

"It's a big deal to me," she told him. "You could have made me feel guilty, but you didn't. You encouraged me. You helped me. You brought me clean clothes. You brought coffee for me, and everyone else, to keep it fair. You cheered me on. And it's not just the last two weeks. You're always supportive and you don't have to be." Holding his head still with her hands, she leaned in and kissed him. "You're so good to me, Derek Shepherd. And I need to know that you know that I notice and appreciate it all."

He offered her a soft smile. "You deserve it," he told her, his eyes shining with the unconditional love she doubted she'd ever be used to enough to take for granted.

She kissed him again. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

His smile grew as it took on a tender quality. He brushed a few strands of hair from her face. "I think I might, especially if it's anywhere near how much I love you."

She leaned her forehead into his, closed her eyes and sighed, her hands still cupping his cheeks. His fingers wrapped themselves around her wrists, but didn't make any move to tug her hands away. He too sighed and leaned into her.

Two weeks was a long time to be away from home, especially so early in their marriage. She was encouraged by how strong they were now. He would have let her go to the hospital for the appy if she had wanted to. And he would have made their Thanksgiving dinner himself. And when she got home, he wouldn't have made her feel bad at all. He would have asked about her surgery and encouraged her to take the next one she was offered as well.

But that wasn't what she wanted. What she wanted, and wanted desperately, was to be as supportive of him as he was of her. She wanted him to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, just how devoted she was, not only to their relationship, but to him. She wanted to be as devoted to him as he was to her. He'd told her he felt like he could be himself with her, that he trusted she loved him. And she did. She really, really did. She just wanted him to know that she could be there for him, too. And not just short term. Not just while he was freaking out for a few weeks after she almost drowned. Forever.

Maybe now was the right time to tell him. Three sessions down and she was pretty sure Wyatt had gotten a grasp on her issue, even if Meredith hadn't been able to voice it herself. Fixing it was the next step. She wanted Derek to know how hard she was trying.

"Happy Thanksgiving," he murmured before she could say a word. "I don't think I said it before."

"Happy Thanksgiving," she echoed, her forehead still pressed to his. "I have a lot to be thankful for. Even more than last year." She could remember wanting to be thankful the year before, but everything – her relationship, her friends, her job – had been too new. She had been hesitant and unable to trust in their permanency. But Derek had promised her a next year, and it had given her hope and strength to look into the future. It hadn't been the first time she had imagined a future with him, but it may have been the first time she had believed in a future with him. "I'm thankful for you, Derek."

Not moving his forehead from hers, he tilted his head to brush his nose against hers. "I'm thankful for you, too, Mer. Every day."

She smiled as her heart swelled in her chest. This was what she was fighting for. This was the future she was determined to have. She just had to get over her issues, figure out how to be her own role model, and learn to believe in herself as much as she did him. She doubted it would be easy, but she was on her way.

A beeping sounded from beside them, causing Meredith to jump slightly as the intimate moment was broken unexpectedly.

Derek reached for the sparkle pager he had set down onto the counter before embracing her earlier. "OR's busy today."

She took the pager from him and read the small screen. "Alex this time." She shook her head. "Why are they working today? Haven't they had enough hospital time?" She turned off the beeping and set the pager back down.

"What was he offering?"

She shrugged. "Didn't say."

"And you don't want to know?"

She hooked her fingers into the collar of his shirt and pulled him close to kiss him. "I told you; today I don't care. I'm not going in unless I absolutely don't have a choice. Understand?"

He chuckled. "I understand."

She kissed him again, still clutching his shirt. "Good."

He swatted playfully at her hands. "You can let me go. I'm not going anywhere."

"But look how useful this is," she explained, tugging him close again, so that his lips were inches from hers. "It makes it so easy to kiss you."

He closed to space between their lips without any help. "It's always easy to kiss you."

"That's because you're taller."

"Not right now." He proved it by standing upright and holding up a hand to brush from the top of her head to his.

"No, not right now," she agreed, "But usually it's you who's taller. I don't always have a counter to sit on."

"I like you at this height," he told her, a playful glint in his eyes.

"And why is that?"

"I don't have to bend down to do this," he said, finding a few inches of her neck with his mouth and sucking gently. "And I barely have to bend down to do this." He ducked his head and pressed his face into the hollow between her breasts. The slight stubble on his cheeks rubbed at the sensitive skin through her thin tee shirt.

She giggled. "Such a man," she teased for the second time.

He lifted his head to day something, but was cut off by her stomach growling. He raised an eyebrow. "Hungry?"

She laughed, a hand going to her stomach as she felt her cheeks heat slightly from the volume of the noise. "Apparently."

"It is almost one in the afternoon. What do you want for breakfast?"

"Breakfast at one in the afternoon?"

"Okay, what do you want for lunch?"

She laughed. "When will the turkey be ready?"

"It hasn't been in long. I think around six."

"You think?"

He shrugged. "I've never cooked a Thanksgiving meal before."

"But...you're... You're Mr. Holiday and Family guy. How could you not have done this before?"

"I've watched. And helped, but every Thanksgiving, or Christmas, I wasn't working I was at my mom's." He chuckled. "Except one year where she broke her arm. I offered to host Thanksgiving..." He shook his head. "I should revise my statement. I've never successfully cooked a Thanksgiving meal before. Nancy got food poisoning."

She narrowed her eyes. "And you're expecting me to eat this meal?"

"That's what the cookbook is for," he said, motioning to the book sitting open on the counter. "And I may have called my mom to confirm a few things."

She laughed. "Thank you for the effort. I'm sure it will be great."

He nodded. "So, lunch?"

"Are you hungry, too?" She asked, jumping off the counter.

"A little."

She opened the fridge and rummaged through the crispers. "How about bacon and eggs?"

He made a face.

She rolled her eyes. "It's a holiday," she reminded.

"Okay," he conceded, holding out his hand.

She offered him a smile, but did not hand over the items she had pulled from the fridge. Instead she plopped the bacon, eggs and butter onto the counter next to the stove. "You make dinner, I'll make lunch."

"Will we be able to eat lunch?" He asked playfully.

She mock-glared at him. "You just told me the last time you made Thanksgiving dinner you gave your sister food poisoning, and you're questioning my ability to fry up bacon and eggs?"

"Can I supervise, at least?"

"Ass," she muttered, turning away from him to pull two frying pans out of the lower cupboard.

He chuckled at her name calling.

"How do you want the eggs?"

"Over easy is fine."

She set to work cracking eggs and laying out the bacon. She even pretended not to notice when he turned down the burner she had placed the eggs on when he thought she couldn't see. When everything was cooking nicely, she felt his arms snake around her waist. She sighed and leaned back into him, in a reverse of their earlier position when it had been him at the stove and her behind. Apparently she wasn't the only one who had missed these moments together.

He rested his chin on her shoulder as he stood with her. At first she thought he was watching over her shoulder, but a quick glance revealed that his eyes were shut. It may only be lunch she was making, but she smiled at the trust he had in her minimal cooking skills. Though, to be fair, he had taught her how to make this meal.

It warmed her heart that he just wanted to be close to her. She pushed the bacon around the pan and then leaned back into his chest and closed her eyes as well, one hand holding the spatula and the other clutching onto his hands at her abdomen.

This was what she wanted. Partnership. Togetherness. Acceptance.

This was what she wanted forever.

"I'm in therapy."

She didn't plan on saying it in that moment. She didn't know she was going to say it until the words left her mouth. And then the words were out there and there was no more decision to make.

For a long moment neither of them moved. She had said it so quietly that she wondered if maybe he hadn't heard. But then his chest heaved against her back as he inhaled. "You're...what?" He asked, his chin still on her shoulder and his arms around her waist.

She said nothing, frozen in the moment following the words she couldn't take back. She had always planned on telling him. She had just expected to be more prepared, to have her thoughts in order.

He hugged her tighter for a moment before releasing her altogether. She kept her eyes on the frying pans as he moved into her peripheral vision.

"Mer?" He prompted softly as he tucked himself against the counter, as close to her and the stove he could get without getting burned.

She flipped over the eggs and then cautiously lifted her gaze to meet his, unsure of what she would find. Love and concern stared back at her. No judgement.

"I'm in therapy," she repeated.

He pursed his lips, as if poised to ask a question – Why? Since When? Why didn't you tell me? – but in the end he asked nothing. "Mer," he said again, his tone tender and soft. He was clearly at as much a loss as she was. And that made her feel a little better about the whole thing. He always seemed to know what to say, in every situation, so him being at a loss made her feel like it was okay that she was, too.

"I didn't mean to not tell you," she explained, deciding this was the best starting point. The easiest starting point. "I just wanted to make sure I could get my mind around it before I told you. I...I didn't know what to say."

"And now?"

She offered him a slight smile. "I still can't completely get my mind around it, and I still don't know what to say, but I can't not tell you." In the hospital, during the competition, it hadn't been too hard to keep the information from him. She'd been busy and they'd had very minimal time to spend together. But now she was home, and they had all day together, just the two of them, and she couldn't not tell him. It had taken time, but she had learned to tell him things as their relationship had progressed. She had even learned to like telling him things, to like knowing that he knew things.

The bacon sizzled on the pan, drawing her attention. She poked at it and decided it was almost done. Moving away from the stove for a moment, she popped some bread into the toaster and grabbed two plates from the cupboard before returning. She scooped the eggs onto the plates and set them down by the stove to wait for another minute or two for the bacon to be ready. Derek didn't say a word the entire time. She cautiously met his gaze, but she couldn't quite make out what she saw in it. Love and concern, yes, but also something else. Something similar to the despair she had seen in the weeks following her near drowning.

The corners of his mouth twitched. She responded with a tight smile, and her heart tugged when he smiled back. After a year and a half together, it wasn't often that they didn't know what to say to each other. It was awkward and unlike them, but still, Meredith felt relief simply at knowing that he knew. She didn't like keeping things from him.

The toaster popped out the toast, breaking the moment between them. Meredith retrieved the toast and added them to the plates. She then divvied up the bacon and turned off the burner. When both plates were set, she offered one to Derek.

He took it silently, his eyes dark. She was thrown off that she didn't know what he was thinking. Maybe telling him had been a bad idea. Maybe the whole thing was a bad idea. He must be rethinking things. He must be asking himself how he could have married someone like her. She opened her mouth to apologize and to promise a quick resolution, but he spoke before she did.

"Did I do something wrong?"

His words didn't shock her nearly as much as the vulnerable tone he used to say them.

"What? No. Derek, this has nothing to do with you."

"Nothing to do with me? I'm your husband. I'm supposed to be there for you."

"You are there for me-"

"You're supposed to know that you can come to me for anything."

She felt her lips quiver slightly, so she clamped her upper incisors down to keep it still for the time being. She quickly placed her plate on the counter and took Derek's out of his hands to place it on the counter as well. She should have known he wouldn't blame her and would instead blame himself.

"Derek," she said softly, stepping up to him. She paused before touching him, for the first time in a very long time uncertain of how to do so. She cautiously laid her hands down on his chest and met his eyes. "You are the best husband I could ever ask for. You are the best person I know. You make me feel safe." She swallowed hard as a lump formed in her throat and blinked back the tears that threatened to follow. "You have done nothing wrong," she told him with as much conviction as she could muster. "I know you would do anything in your power to help me, but for this... For this, I need someone else to help me."

His eyes weren't quite as dark when he lifted his hands to cup her cheeks. "I thought you were doing okay. I thought I helped. I know you were worried about Bailey, and the contest, but I thought I helped."

She slid her hands up his chest to his shoulders and then down his arms so she was gripping his wrists as he continued to cup her face. "You did help, Derek. You help me every day. You do the right things, and you say the right things and you talk me off the edge. And you make me feel safer and more loved that I've ever felt for my whole life." She ignored the tears as they started to slowly snake their way down her cheeks. "But, Derek, even with all you do for me, I still struggle with some things. And that's not right. That's not good. It causes problems and-"

"It doesn't," he insisted. "I can help you."

Her heart clenched at his insistence because she understood its aetiology. He thought he had failed her. She needed to find the words to explain better. She needed to make him understand.

"You do help," she repeated. "Trust me, Derek, I don't know where I'd be right now without you. But I need to fix some things. And I need a kind of help you can't give me, no matter how much I know you want to." She tried to offer him a smile, but it died on her lips. "I'm still going to need you to help me," she explained. "I still need my husband, because I can't do this without him. I need his support and his love and his kindness."

With a sharp exhale, he dropped his hands from her face and hugged her to him. "Always, Mer. You will always have me. I just... I want to..."

"Shhh," she whispered, melting into his embrace as she hugged him back. "I know."

"I love you so much."

"I know that, too," she assured him. "Trust me, Derek, if there's one thing in this world I'm sure of, it's that."

"I don't want you to be afraid."

She leaned back in his arms far enough to meet his eyes. "I don't want to be either." She stood up on her tiptoes to kiss him. "I know you think time will prove to me that everything will work out, but I don't want to look back and realize everything worked out, I want to be able to look forward and know it's going to work out. I want to be as confident about everything as you are. I want to be able to support you like you support me."

"That doesn't matter to me."

"But it matters to me."

"Meredith..."

She shook her head, motioning for him to listen. "I need to be equal in this, Derek. I get that you've always been the strong one, and I get that you're more than willing to do that with me, but it's not what I want. I want to be able to be the strong one." She offered him a soft smile. "I want us to be strong together. We're great now, but if I don't work through this, it's going to cause problems. Maybe not now, and maybe not even soon, but one day it will. I know it. And I absolutely refuse to risk this," she emphasized her point by laying her hand on his chest, right over his heart, "for anything. So, I'm seeing a therapist. Her name is Dr. Wyatt. And I want to be able to tell you about my sessions. And I want to know that you're okay with it." She paused and met his eyes. "And I absolutely do not want you thinking this is in any way your fault. Because it's not. You're the reason I'm strong enough to get help, not the reason I need it."

He took a deep breath and then tenderly raised his hands to brush the tears from her cheeks. He finished by brushing his thumb across her lips. "Do you...want to tell me about it?" He asked quietly.

She felt the tightness in her chest release at his acceptance. She nodded. "I do."

"I...I want to hear about it. I'm not sure I understand, but I want you to be able to talk to me."

He was trying so hard. The lump in her throat grew and she couldn't help but hug him fiercely. "Thank you, Derek," she whispered. "Thank you for trying to understand." She knew how hard this must be for him. She knew how intimidating it must be to him that she was seeking help elsewhere than him. She would ensure he knew how important he was to her and how much she needed him.

He hugged her back just as tight.

"I still need my husband," she repeated her earlier statement, knowing he was more apt to hear her now. "I still need your help. I just need some extra help now, from someone more objective."

He tilted his head and pressed a kiss to her temple before releasing her. She offered him a grateful smile before picking up the discarded lunch plates and motioning that he follow her to the kitchen table. She heard the cutlery drawer slide open as he retrieved utensils before joining her at the table.

He sat in the chair next to her and pulled it as close as he could. She smiled at the movement. "So, uh, how long?"

"Three sessions," she told him. "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday of this week. Though, none of them were full sessions. I got paged on Monday, I was late on Tuesday, and then I was late and got paged on Wednesday."

"Is it... helping?"

She leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder. "Not yet, but it will. I think she gets...what I need help with."

He said nothing, and she knew it wasn't because he didn't want to ask, but was because he didn't know how to ask.

"She's pointed out some patterns. I don't always react to things the way I want to. And I rely too much on other people."

"You can always rely on me."

She smiled her first full, genuine smile since the conversation had begun. "I know," she said honestly, "But that's actually not what I mean. I rely too much on other people as role models or whatever. I guess I never had one growing up. Not a good one, anyway. I had a crappy month and I needed Cristina to get married to show it was possible. And when Burke left her at the altar I freaked out and ditched you to go to Hawaii."

"That was a long time ago."

"Five months. That's really not that long. And it's not the time that matters. Or the fact that you forgave me," she said before he could say anything further. "Or even the fact that we got married less than two weeks after that. It's the behaviour that matters. I made Cristina my role model and when she didn't do what I needed her to do, I made it about me. I made Bailey my role model, too. I used her to convince myself it was possible to be a surgeon, wife and mother. And when it came out that she wasn't exceeding at all three, I felt like my whole world was falling down."

"I can help you realize we can do it all."

"But you shouldn't have to," she insisted. "That's the point, Derek. We're so good right now. I should be able to be secure, but I'm not. And that's not your fault. I shouldn't need a role model. I should be able to be my own role model, or whatever."

His brows pinched together as he met her gaze.

She wanted so much for him to understand, and her heart ached at how hard he was trying.

"I'm so happy, Derek. And so much of that is because of you. But it's so new, this whole being happy thing, that I can't make sense of it along with the bad things that happen. I...I think this has been coming for a while, but I needed to get to this point before I went looking for help."

"And I can't be the one to help you?"

"You can. You are. But not the only one. I need you to listen, and support me. And love me. But I need someone to help me make sense of it. Someone who isn't you. Because so much of who I am is about who I am with you. I need someone who can see through that. I need to do this, Derek. And it's only with your support that I can do this for myself."

Her words finally seemed to be hitting home in his head. He smiled at her last comment. "You will always have my support, Mer."

She leaned her head against his shoulder. "Good. Because the absolute last thing I want is to ruin this." It was the opposite, actually. She wanted to make her life and relationship even better.

"I won't ever let that happen."

She recognized the meaning behind his words. He was going to support her therapy and do his best to understand why it couldn't be him to help her, despite his overwhelming need to make everything better.

"When do you go back?"

"Monday. It'll be three times next week, and then twice a week after. Well, for the next seven weeks, anyway."

"Why seven?"

"Then I run out of coverage. Insurance only covers twenty sessions."

He released a breathy laugh. "Mer, that's the last thing you need to worry about. If this is what you need, then you go for as long as you need to and we'll figure it out. I'm sure you're covered under my plan as my wife for some sessions as well, and after that we'll pay." He hooked an arm around her waist and sighed. "I don't know that I fully understand, but I'm glad you feel good about this."

"Me too." She sighed as well. "A lot of things are making some sense now that I can see them together as a pattern."

"Like what?"

"Remember how I freaked out when you didn't get divorced?" He chosen her, but was still married to Addison, and he had told her he wouldn't continue the relationship until he was divorced. He had said he was going to see a lawyer, and she had thought that meant he was getting divorced that day. When he had shown up at her house that night and she had realized he was still married, she had shut down and asked him to leave.

"Mmm-hmm," he said, telling her he remembered.

"I think that was important. I wasn't completely rational, I admit, but then you had the papers drawn up so fast and you signed them... I think you circumvented the freak out. It made me less likely to do so again."

"Until Burke left Cristina at the Altar."

"Yeah," she agreed. It had taken something big and dramatic to break through the progress she had made.

"And then Bailey became your role model."

"I think she kind of was before as well, but that just made it worse."

"I think I get it."

"Good." She was surprised to feel tears welling in her eyes. "Because I'm not sure I do."

He was quick to wrap his other arm around her. "It's scary," he commented.

She nodded against his chest. "I don't like talking to a stranger about this. I'd rather talk to you, I would. I just..."

"You need the stranger."

She nodded again.

He pressed his lips to the top of her head. "That's okay, Mer," he said, giving her the blessing and encouragement she desperately needed from him. "You can talk to us both."

"Thank you." She sniffed. "I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be like her." They both knew she was speaking of her mother.

"You're not," he reassured. "The fact alone that you're trying to change proves that."

"Sometimes I wonder if she tried to change, but wasn't strong enough."

"I can't tell you that," he admitted, "But you have something she didn't have."

"What?"

He hugged her tighter. "Me."

"I'm so glad I have you, Derek," she whispered. She lifted her head to meet his eyes. "That's why I need to do this. I need to know I'm not going to react some stupid way to some random thing and make a mess of this. I need to know that I'm strong enough for us. And I need to learn what it means to be happy, even when bad things happen, because I feel it, but I don't understand it."

"You will," he told her, his complete confidence in her evident in his words, tone and expression. "And if there's anything I can do-"

"I will tell you," she promised.

"Okay," he agreed, sealing it with a kiss.

"I love you," she murmured.

"I love you, too."

They remained tightly together for several minutes before gradually turning back to their lunch plates. The food was cold now, but neither made any move to leave the table to reheat it.

His chuckle broke the comfortable silence between them.

"What?"

He offered her a playful smile. "They may be cold, but you cooked the eggs perfectly."

She smiled back at him. "Progress, right?"

He nodded. "Progress."

AN: This was a bit of a challenge to write, but I think I'm happy with the end result. Derek is loving and supportive, but Meredith needing help from someone else when he's done so much for her feels a bit like a failure. She was able to make him understand, though, and he'll be along for the ride as she deals with her issues in the coming chapters. For those of you that don't remember Meredith's freak out when Derek didn't get divorced when she thought (not that I blame you. It was a LONG time ago), it was covered in chapter 5 and then resolved in chapter 6. The answers I promised are below:

Q1- How long will this story continue?

A1 – A very prominent question and not one I can easily answer. When I started this fic four years ago the show was starting its fourth season, so timeline-wise, I'm currently writing past where the show was when I started. Part of me wants to continue indefinitely, but the issue is that I KNOW that will become boring. Once I've had Meredith work through her problems, there won't be much away-from-the-show progress to be made. And eventually I'm going to run into the show's storyline and, should I continue writing, it will be very repetitive. Also, as the purpose of this story was to explore the difference in Meredith and Derek throughout the show's events, that means I have to continue this way. (The only exception I've made was the decision to have Meredith not know how to swim, and this was because I liked the drowning arc storyline, but couldn't have her stop swimming to follow her progress in this storyline.) A main problem with following the show's events is the end of season 5. Having to write Susan dying was hard enough. I honestly don't know that I can follow through with George.

This all being said, I think I will let this story find it's end somewhere in 'season 5,' but before the season finale. This opens up options for future stories or oneshots to take place in the WYB universe.

Q2- Babies?

A2 – Won't happen in this story. BUT, as I've written above, I am leaving myself the option to write more in the future using this universe. I'd like to write this Meredith and Derek starting a family. I just don't think continuing this story for so long will be productive. I may end this story in season 5 and then pick up a year or two (or however long) down the line with a new story. I haven't decided yet, but I'm excited about the option.

Q3- Season 4 storylines...?

A3-

Clinical Trial: I've decided not to include the clinical trial (if you noticed it, Meredith referred bear-attack-guy to a clinical trial in the last chapter). This decision was tough to make, but I think it would have been too repetitive and not very productive to include.

Addison: Yes, she will return, just like she did on the show. If you noticed, during the residents' contest, Cristina mentioned diagnosing the patient that will bring Addison to Seattle. However, due to timeline issues, she may not return at the same 'time' as on the show.

House of Candles: I would love to include this, but I can't seem to come up with a reason for it to happen in this story line. They just bought a condo together, so building the dream house isn't imminent. Maybe something that could happen in a future story?

Q4- How did Meredith commit so much with all these issues that are suddenly coming out?

A4- Meredith's always had some issues. I'm made sure to not make her perfectly whole and healed JUST because she's with Derek. This is not healthy or realistic. She's been able to get this far because she's never truly been given reason to question her trust in Derek. I think trust is a big deal for her because of her past experiences. Yes, Derek was married and didn't tell her, but she's also very understanding (doesn't see things in black and white...). He chose her when she put herself out there, whereas in the show he didn't. This was the first major turning point.

Then there was a misunderstanding and she thought he was getting divorced on a day he and Addison met with the lawyer, but he didn't (chapter 5). Her trust faltered, but he fixed it (chapter 6). They moved forward. They learned to go through things together. They fell into a pattern of basically living together without it being verbalized or official. Meredith almost died when the bomb went off and her vulnerability in that experience pushed her to make the moving in together official (chapter 18, 21), and not long after to tell him about her father. She tried to be there for him after Mark showed up, but she failed (or, felt like she failed) because she was dealing with Thatcher (chapter 20). Then Molly showed up and Meredith made some realizations about what family really meant (chapter 23). And then Denny died and Meredith saw the effect it had on Izzie (another role model, perhaps?) and found herself pulling closer to Derek (chapters 28-30). More progress, and then the drowning arc. Afterwards, not only did Meredith seek comfort from Derek, but for the first time was able to be there for Derek. He was a mess after he almost lost her and she was able to reassure him. This was another major turning point.

But then a series of bad things had Meredith seeking a role model (something she had been doing with Bailey for a while). She looked to Cristina, because Cristina was at the same point in her life. And when Burke left, Meredith couldn't make sense of it, so she ran (Or, as Wyatt (on the show) would say...She quit because it's what she knows how to do.). Izzie helped her, which gave Meredith the strength to go to New York, which led to progress with his family and then getting married.

Getting married was another turning point, that came with the assumption, from Meredith's POV, that she'd overcome everything. And, in a way, she had overcome it. She just hadn't dealt with all of it. She's able to be happy and married, but won't be whole and healed until she faces some things from her past and learns to understand why she sometimes reacts the way she does. And she's on her way to dealing with this. She's made the first steps, and she's now told Derek about it.