Chapter 53

Shinji could not hold back the tears, no matter how hard he tried. It was not like before, when after Rei Ayanami had died to protect him he had found it impossible to cry. He was so numb back then that he couldn't even manage a few moments to indulge his sinking emotions and gain the brief release that came with tears. Now it seemed like the most natural thing; he could do it without having to try, without feeling that he was somehow obligated to.

It wasn't that he cared less about this girl than the one she'd been before; he cared quite a lot, but it was just a different kind of grief; different even than what he felt towards Asuka or Misato. Like the difference between grief for a friend and a family member. He couldn't claim that he understood it, but it was there.

He was sitting inside the quiet, comforting warmth of his Unit-01, like he had countless times before, and up until a few minutes ago, had been completely oblivious to the battle he knew was raging above. Then he thought to check the video feed for an update. The holographic screen had jumped to life in front of him and he had seen the dreadful image of Unit-00's devastated form in the hands of the Angel.

His heart had stopped. It felt as though his chest had become as empty as the deepest corner of outer space. And even before he realized it, he had started to cry.

Then Misato came up on his screen, and … talked to him. It seemed like such a little thing, but it wasn't the sort of condescending talk that took place between a grown-up and a crying child. She talked to him like she understood.

Like he imagined his mother would.

But, though it made him feel better, it wasn't enough. He was old enough to have figured out that the real world didn't conform itself to soothing words. Despite whatever Misato said, there was still very likely the possibility that Rei was …

"Dammit!" Shinji smashed his fist against the nearest thing he could find, which happened to be the main console between his legs. The gesture was not one of anger-he did not know what to be angry at-but rather an expression of the inner void he felt. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!"

Hopelessness, guilt, loss—all these things stirred within him. But there was something else now that also began to take hold, sparked by Misato's words.

She needed him. She—not NERV, not the world, not anyone else. She. Misato Katsuragi. The woman who had welcomed him into her home without knowing anything about him; the woman, who despite everything, made him feel as though his life was worth something, who in the darkest of times had offered him a hand to hold.

And she needed him.

Shinji was not, and never had been, the sort of person that believed in epiphanies, that things could become unmistakably clear when before they had been as impenetrable as the night. But it was while sitting there in the dark of his entry-plug that he realized why he had to fight.

It wasn't that there was no other choice open to him, or that they all had chosen it for him and there was nothing he could do. Yes, those things were outside influences that pulled on him with nagging insistence, but they weren't his reason.

He owed it to Misato to fight for her, like he owed it to Rei and Asuka and all those who had faith in him. All those who had shared their lives, however painful, with him. He didn't simply have to because it was important for others. He had to fight because he could.

Rei said he should, Asuka expected it of him, and Misato needed him to. None of them could make him. In the end, it was up to him, and him alone. He was the only one who could decide what to do with his life and his future. But, while he could decide for himself, he should also remember that his future was knotted together closely with their future, his life with theirs. Bonds between people could not be made alone, by yourself. You needed others. And he had bonds with them, however painful. They still existed.

And then Shinji felt the Eva begin to move. He opened his eyes, not realizing he had ever closed them, and looked around.

"Shinji, we are moving Unit-01 out through the seventeenth exit," Misato said over the communication system, her voice clear over the speakers. "This will place you in front of Central Dogma-directly in the Angel's path."

He nodded. What else could he do?

Ritsuko Akagi spoke next.

"Use your AT Field to neutralize the Angel's and engage in hand-to-hand combat. We have adapted a battery pack to your Eva, so that if you lose your power cable the Eva will switch to the battery instead of the S2 engine," the blond doctor sounded calm and official, as if checking things from a list. "There hasn't been time to perform any meaningful test on the engine itself and we believe that if it's activated it could either swallow us into a Dirac Sea, or provide you with unlimited power. As tempting as that may sound, we can't take any chances with this thing. But even if the S2 engine works and gives Unit-01 perpetual power, human beings only have a certain amount of endurance."

"This means that if you lose consciousness as a result of the fight the Eva will, most likely, go berserk and we won't be able to do anything to stop it," Misato said. "So be careful, please. I've already sent a team for Rei. Don't worry about her."

She might as well have told him to stop himself from breathing.

"Misato," Shinji began, wiping his tears with a forearm, "do you think she-" the word 'Death' flashed in his mind, but he couldn't say it.

"I don't know yet," Misato answered without missing a heartbeat. She must have known he would ask. Shinji could be very obvious some times. "Like I said, there's a team on the way, but it's likely Maya will get to her first. All we can do is hope for the best, Shinji-kun. Rei is a strong girl. You know that."

Being silent and obedient doesn't make her strong, Shinji thought. He had seen the bandages in her room, heard her cry in pain, watched her suffer. Strength … some would just have called it prolonged suffering.

"Yeah, I … I know," Shinji managed between stifled sobs, more to reassure himself than anything else. He questioned if he really believed it; Rei could accept and endure pain, but that would only take someone so far. Everyone had their limit. Sadly, Asuka had proven that.

"Be safe, Shinji-kun," Misato said. "If it's worth anything, I apologize for putting you in this position. I am really sorry."

Shinji nodded his acknowledgement of her words. He was also somewhat aware that it could be the last time he heard Misato's voice.

At least if I die, I won't have to worry about things like that, he thought. If I die everything will stop hurting.

Outside the canopy of his entry-plug, the dark was suddenly filled with glowing white streaks on black nothingness and occasional flashing lights as the tunnel walls passed him by. Every few seconds a number would appear on his right, indicating a level or floor under the ground. The numbers grew smaller the closer he was lifted towards the surface. Within less than a minute, the sleek, armored shape of Evangelion Unit-01 emerged through exit 17, located a few hundred yards in front of Central Dogma's pyramidal building.

Shinji quickly scanned his surroundings. The dome of the Geo-Front, like an enormous ceiling, provided a strange sense of confinement despite the massive space below. He could see the upside-down buildings at the dome's apex, where they had been retracted so many months ago and were still unable to be put right because of the artificial lake where the city center had been.

Beneath this lay a forest of green trees, which represented nature's contribution to the concrete and metal fortress even though they were, like everything else here, an entirely artificial creation. By design, the greenery offered a quiet serenity that in many ways masked the conflicts that had raged so destructively in this place. The loss and grief and pain. In another time and place, he might have thought of the forest as beautiful, but when he looked at it a flurry of unwanted memories came rushing back.

He remembered Asuka's armless and headless Unit-02, frozen still like a monument to its pilot's breakdown; he remembered Ayanami's nearly suicidal charge across this very forest, courageous and self-less.

They were so much braver than he was, so much better. This was all he could do for them, and it didn't feel anything like enough.

Shinji turned around, Unit-01 following his movements as an extension of the neural impulses which originated the working of his muscles instead of the muscles themselves. Maybe it was more accurate to say than an Evangelion was worn like a suit rather than piloted-it was certainly not at all like piloting an aircraft despite the control and entry-plug layout-but such distinctions seemed useless given the circumstances.

The few that piloted Eva knew nothing in the world could truly compare, and only Eva pilots would ever understand anyway. No other weapon came close. And like any weapon it had one goal. In the end, the Third Child was inside Unit-01 to kill or be killed.

For that purpose, a large weapon's rack emerged from the ground next to him, holding a long spear with a broad, curving blade. He grasped it firmly and felt its weight in his hands. Something very primal and very alien within him found that comforting. A weapon meant he was not defenseless; he was no longer the slender, whimpery boy who cried when he let others down.

A weapon made him a warrior, and gave a physical shape to his purpose.

"No firearms," Misato explained, completely without need. "You won't be able to penetrate its AT Field from a distance so you'll have to get close. Go for the core, but I think you know that already."

"I do," he told her. He let one hand glide down the spear's long shaft, then clenched the other just below the blade.

"Good. I was afraid you might have forgotten."

The Third Child wondered if she was being serious. He never got a chance to ask, however. Out of the corner of his eye Shinji caught a sudden glimpse of light. He turned and gazed up at the Geo-Front's ceiling.

Unit-01's sharp, inhuman eyes narrowed, as he understood what was happening. The column of reddish light descended for several seconds and expanded into an inverted cross. Shinji watched as the Angel emerged amidst the light, like some sort of divine figure coming down from Heaven to preach a malevolent gospel of death. It had its wings open and arms spread apart, more a demon than a saint.

"Initiate cover barrage," someone said on the radio.

The barrage poured on the Angel from all sides, a deadly diagonal rain of lead, tungsten and depleted uranium painting steaks across the air, filling the Geo-Front with thundering noise. The Angel continued its descent, the shells bouncing off the translucent octagonal, impenetrable wall made up by its AT Field.

Normally, Shinji would have been reluctant to fight another Eva unit. The last time he'd done so it was Unit-02 and it was empty, but before that … he didn't want to think about it. It didn't make any difference now; Misato had told him that there was no human pilot inside this possesed Eva unit. It had been running a type of autopilot similar to the dummy when it transformed into the Angel. Such was the extent of the information provided.

Shinji had been relieved, of course, and refrained from asking further questions. Ignorance was bliss, and in cases like this that old maxim could save your sanity. He'd rather remain ignorant, even if that meant hating himself later. Besides, he could trust Misato now. Or … well, he thought he could. Right?

Nothing related to the Evangelion was ever simple, neither the Eva itself or the people associated with it, nor NERV and its secrets, nor anything else. By sheer necessity, that quality also made it very hard knowing who or what to trust. Even Misato was not above twisting the truth, and that filled him with sadness. But when it came down to it, combat itself was surprisingly, brutally, uncompromisingly simple.

Kill or be killed, Shinji thought again. As simple as anything ever gets.

He tightened his grip on the control sticks, and Unit-01 did the same with the spear. He was no longer crying