Change

I lay there in bed, thinking about how far did they go in this so-called dream? The way she feels about him, I am sure it was far. He comes back at this moment in time when she was getting closer to me. When I might have had a chance of her moving forward to only push her back to him. I feel he does this on purpose. My brother has always been a jealous person When it came to the women he loves. Then maybe I am just over thinking? I just can't help myself. I see she is still somewhat close to me, that she wants me here to lean on, it's just the thought of her with him again bothers me greatly. I guess I am jealous as well. I can't help it, but at this moment I can't show it. He is a ghost, and can't be here, I have to be the bigger man, and let it go, and help her to move on. Hopefully enough that she wants to be with me. Then even if she doesn't, she needs to be free of him to live a normal life. The one we have been living in isn't fair to either of us. He put us both in a miserable situation. I am just hoping he knows what he is doing.

I don't get much sleep this night, as I keep thinking about everything. She just lays here, holding my hand and I doubt she is resting either. I feel I will give her some space today by going to work. I hope that helps her.

I get up and get some coffee, then take my shower and get dressed. I call the baby sitter making sure the twins are taken care of. Then I go off to work, leaving her in bed.

I see Ichiru is off to work, I know it is hard for him to deal with this as well. It's his brother, he has to feel something. I know all my crying, and pain isn't helping anything at this moment. At the same time, I can't help how I feel. I have to be strong and get myself out of this slump I am in. I have to live life and make the people around me happy. I will just hold you in my heart Zero. You will always remain there, always be a part of me. I just can't do this anymore. I wanted to stay there with you, but for some reason, Ichiru was even stronger than my desire to stay with you. He pulled me back here and it had to be for a reason. The love I have for you, he does have for me. You wanted this, you put us together, I will give it a chance. Even if I can't love him the way I love you, I don't think I can love anyone the way I love you. You stole my heart, you are my heart. I will still try to give this a shot, I need something to look forward to, something to help me move forward. I need to raise our children, I see it a bit clearer now.

I crawl myself out of Ichiru's bed, trying to drag myself to the shower. I laugh when I look in the mirror at myself in Ichiru's clothes. They are a bit big on me. I do feel a sense of warmth in my heart, from knowing he was trying to help me. I take them off and step into the shower, washing my body and clearing out my mind. I get out getting dried off and putting on a cute little dress, and even adding some makeup. Since I have some alone time, I am going to use it for myself. I am going to the salon to get my hair and nails done. It's time I have done something for me. A pick me up.

I go and get pampered, sitting in the chair forgetting my own troubles for a few hours. Getting some highlights. I see Ichiru messaging me as I sit there.

"Just checking in? Is everything ok?" He asks.

"Yes, I am fine, I have a surprise for you when you come home," I answer.

"Great, I love surprises. You seem in better spirits." Ichiru says.

"I am trying, I feel a bit better. I will tell you more about it when you're home." I reply.

"Sounds great." He states.

My nails and hair get done, and I walk to the nearest restaurant and pick up some Italian food for dinner. I wasn't in the mood to cook but I want to say thank you to Ichiru for all he has been doing for me and the kids. For sticking around, when anyone else would bolt.

I go home feeling refreshed and renewed in a way. I get some plates and fix the table for when he comes home, adding glasses for our drinks. Before I know it, he is home, always on the dot of six. He never lets me wonder or wait. He always does what he says. I have to admit its great.

I walk in the door, I look at her, and I am not sure I am looking at the right person. It's a wonderful sight in front of me. She looks like the woman, I first met, first fell in love with. She looks gorgeous. I look at the table all set, and ready for dinner. Could this be? Have I missed something?

"You look gorgeous." Ichiru says.

"Thank you, I did something for myself today. I got my hair and nails done." I answer.

"I am glad you got out and did something for yourself," Ichiru responds.

"I also picked up some dinner for us both. I wanted to say thank you for everything that you have been doing. It means a lot to me. I am glad you are here." I answer.

"I am glad to be here. Let's sit and eat. I am so glad you did all this, to see you like this. I didn't think when I left this morning I would return home to find all this." Ichiru admits.

"I thought about a lot of things, I know I need to move on. I need to make a life for me and the babies, I can't stay in this slump anymore. I have to let go, I can't make it take over my being anymore. I am losing myself." I answer, looking down at my plate.

"I am glad you see this and your working through it. I don't want to rush you but I need to know does this mean you are willing to try for us to be more?" Ichiru asks.

"I am willing yes. I know I do like you being around, he wanted us together, and you were so strong you took me back here. There has to be a reason, I want to find that out." I state.

"Because I love you, very much. I couldn't see you give yourself up. I am glad you want to try. That makes me happy." Ichiru answers.

"I was always thinking, I want to go back to work. I can't sit in that house anymore. It's not for me. I miss going to the office and being myself. Seeing you at work, having lunch. Those were great times in my life. I want them back." I respond.

"That's all great, but what about the babies? And I am sure there will be memories there as well, that may hurt you." Ichiru replies.

"I already got a nanny for the babies. She will be coming to our own, and take care of them while we are working and leave when we are home. I know there are memories of him there, he is everywhere I just need to deal with them." I state.

"Our home? I like the sound of that, and if you are sure, then we should give it a try." Ichiru comments.

"Yes, it's our home. We live together, it's ours." I reply.

I am so happy with everything she just shared with me. I do see she isn't being the stay at home mom, she was when Zero was here. I also see she is close to them but not like she was either. She has changed a lot, but she is willing to try. To make this work. I think with some healing things will grow on all levels, in every department. I am glad she has opened herself up and is willing to try to let go. Maybe my brother did talk some sense into her. I know I didn't see this coming.