50

It has Been a few months now, I am still dealing with everything, and taking it day by day. I have to admit it's still really hard. I just hope as time goes by this gets easier. I feel trapped, right now and as the time is going by it seems to get worse. So does my trust issues. Ichiru has been great I must admit, he is wonderful with the twins. He is here all the time, doing his best to help. He finally went back to work a few weeks after it all started so I have been on my own for a bit with the babies during the day at least. It took some time to get used to it. Being alone in this house at times, just makes me crazy. I use to love being here, I couldn't wait to come home from work to be with the two men I loved more than anything, Zero and ZJ. I still have ZJ but he is only six months old, not the ten-year-old I am used to. Talking and telling us all about his day, watching tv with us, playing video games and just being a fun child. I miss all that, I remember so many things just sitting here during the day taking care of these two.

"I am off to work, I will be back later on tonight. You guys have a nice day." Ichiru says before heading out for work.

"Yea you too," I reply.

Ichiru drives off to work, needing to talk to someone. Its been months and he feels alone in this as well at times. He has the old wise man that told him everything that would happen before it did as a friend. Knowing he is the only one besides Alexa he can be fully honest with since he knew the whole real story.

Ichiru goes to work finding the old man in his office, he liked to visit him and even work for Ichiru here and there, its how he met him years ago.

"I am glad to see you are here today," Ichiru says.

"How have you been? I know its been rough since your brother passed away." The old man answers.

"Touch is an understatement. My brother left a big mess, one he wants me to fix and I am not sure if I can or not She is falling apart in front of me, and there isn't anything I can do to stop it. She isn't even very close to me anymore. To be honest, we were closer when he was alive. We were best friends, clowning around and sharing things. She is so different now, so distant." Ichiru confides.

"She is going through a lot. More than most people go through. She wanted your brother so badly she brought him to life, that doesn't happen often if at all, Ichiru. A love like that can't just be broken or taken away. Plus I am sure she is thinking about many different things, which cloud her feelings. Your brother wasn't exactly always honest with her, about his feelings. She dealt with a lot of things and her love didn't fade for him." The old man answers.

"I know, my brother wasn't the perfect husband she thinks he was. I mean he did care, he tried his best for the sake of their son and her giving him everything he ever wanted. He just couldn't let go of Yuki. Or his feelings for her. It's why he felt bad and gave Alexa her years back, I just think this way was worse. She is reliving everything all over again just without him. Joel has been a real ass, that part didn't change. He is after her more this time around since there isn't a Zero in the picture. He feels she is alone and maybe go back to him. Which I have to admit sometimes I have a fear she just may do that, just to get some stability back. She doesn't sleep or eat much, she lost a lot of weight, she won't go in their old bedroom she kept everything the way it was Not to mention wearing his damn wedding rings on her finger again and his around her neck. He is there all over that house." Ichiru admits.

"Does she talk to you? Have any connection with you?" The old man asks.

"We talk about the babies. She lets me do whatever I want and think is best for them. Otherwise no, she doesn't say much of anything. For some reason, she has gotten farther from me." Ichiru states.

"Maybe you should ask her what she is feeling? If she still wants this? " The old man says.

"I thought about it, I am just too scared of what her answer would be." Ichiru confesses.

"That is no way to feel or be in a relationship. You are now being the way she was with your brother. Always scared he would leave her, I am sure she has seen that as well in herself. I am sure she has realized a lot." The old man replies.

"I don't know what she realizes, she doesn't open up to me. I feel lost and like I lost two of my best friends from all this including my parents. I am suffering also. He was my freaking twin brother! He may be an ass at times, but I did love him. I know if she could she would take him back and in a way that's another thing that bothers me. She would drop me like a fly if she could get him back." Ichiru responds.

"He isn't alive like he was when she connected to him the first time. It would be extremely hard to do. Plus you're saying she isn't sleeping well, she there isn't any dreamland for her to fall into. No connection to form. Plus with all her feelings all over the place, the emotions wouldn't connect like last time. It was all innocent and real then.

"If there was any possible way, she would do it. She would make the damn connection. She would probably even leave and go there and not return even if it meant leaving the twins. When I first met her, she was going through a lot but never let it stop her from wanting him or their son. She was a wonderful mother to all her kids. Now she is just following the motions of everything. I see a different side of her." Ichiru comments.

"That doesn't surprise me at all. Her whole world was turned upside down Ichiru. Everything she had for ten years was ripped out from under her. Your brother didn't even give her a warning. She woke up in a hospital bed, with twins and no husband, or at least not the one she wanted. Do you think going back ten years and having twin babies thrown at you would be easy?" The old man asks.

"No, I am sure it wouldn't be. I am just not sure how she is acting. She never was this cold." Ichiru admits

"She is numb, it will take time my dear boy." The old man states.

"I guess it will." Ichiru answers..