Quitting the Band
"Participating until you lose and watching the rest. Unless you don't lose that is," She said, pointing at me.
"You think I can go all the way?" I said. "The world of monsters is wide and vampires are ranked 15 on the list of strongest monsters. I'm going to get my ass kicked."
"Yeah, but it'll be fun! There's nothing quite like a good ass beating," she said.
"Did you mean to say it like that?" I said.
"Yes. Both ways feel good," She said and winked at me.
"Wow. Ok. Who am I dating?" I said. "I feel like I always get crazy ones. After a while I have to realize I'm the problem."
"Oh lighten up," she said. "It'll be fun. I swear. If you don't have fun, I'll use my vampire sex magic to give you the greatest orgasm you've ever had. Deal?"
"Wouldn't you already do that?" I said.
"No, this requires using Vi and life essence." She said. "I like you, but I won't sacrifice my gains for just anyone."
"Huh. In that case, you've got a deal," I said, shaking her hand. This was probably the weirdest conversation I'd ever had, but I wasn't going to say no.
I didn't know what to think of Victoria yet. Every second I thought I had her figured out, she threw me a curveball like this. I liked her, sure. As much as you can like someone you've known for three or four days.
I had agreed to be her boyfriend and I did want to be in a relationship with her, but I was no simp. I tried to see people as they were, not as I wanted them to be. I was hoping this one would work out, unlike all the ones that had come before, but I was aware of the possibility of failure.
To go into a relationship with 100% certainty it would work out was a fool's game. And because I had dated a lot of fools, I knew I was not one of them. I had lived a hard life. Not the hardest life, but a hard one. Sometimes things just didn't work out.
Well, a lot of times things didn't work out. With all that said, I wasn't about to throw away a relationship over a bizarre wager and a little bit of sass. If anything, that made me like her more. Maybe that's why I was in my head about this. The fear of getting close. Regardless, I would stop talking to myself now and enjoy the ride.
"Great," she said. "I like you. You put up with my bullshit. But not in a way that says you're a pushover. More of in a sense that says you don't give a f*ck."
"Huh. I don't think I've ever been analyzed that well before. But on the contrary, I have plenty of f*cks to give," I said as I pulled out a small handful of wooden word cut outs that were just the word "f*ck" without the asterisk. I dumped them into her hands.
"What the f*ck?" She said. "How long have you had these in your pocket? Did you literally make these for this exact joke?"
"Yes. You'd be surprised how often the opportunity to give out f*cks comes up. It comes up a lot," I said.
"I bet you were the resident funny guy in your group of friends," she said.
"I was," I said.
"What happened to them?" She said.
"They died," I said.
"What?" She said.
"No, I'm just kidding. We play in a band together. Or at least, we used to. They're probably wondering where I am right about now. Oh well. I have more important things to worry about. Like saving the world," I said.
"You should at least send them a text so they know you're ok," she said.
"Oh yeah, I'll just send them a text saying 'Hi guys I can't be in the band anymore because I'm a vampire and I have to save the world'." I said sarcastically.
"Fair point. Still you should let them know you're ok," she said.
"I'd rather have them think I died—which I did—than I'm abandoning them with some bullshit excuse I made up. If I told them the truth, they wouldn't believe it, but if I make something up, they'll know I'm lying," I said.
"They'd believe if you showed them. In person," she said.
"You're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting, are you?" I said.
"I am. We should hang out with your friends, show them you're a vampire, and hash it out with them. And then we can go do monster pit fighting. Hell, we could probably take them along if they're willing to wear blue makeup," she said.
"Really? You'd do that for me?" I said.
"Yes," she said.
"You'd hang out with me and my ratty friends?" I said.
"Yes," she said.
"Ok. Then let's go," I said.
-
We showed up at a dumpy bar called "The Last Stop," which was run out of someone's basement, but George made a hell of an Old Fashioned. That and none of the patrons would ever even think about talking to the cops.
As soon as I walked inside, my friends stood up from their booth and said, "Heyyy!" We all hugged, and then I said, "This is my new girlfriend, Victoria."
Dan and Tommy introduced themselves, but then Tommy had to make a comment. "I hope she lasts longer than Gloria!" He laughed more than he should have. It wasn't that funny.
"Who's Gloria?" Victoria said.
"Oh nobody," I said.
"What happened?" She said. She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at me.
"Nothing! She just slashed my tires and broke my foot. No big deal. Sh*t happens. Am I right guys?" I said.
They both backed me up by going, "Ayyyyy!!!" They clinked their bottles. I would clink mine too, but I didn't have one yet. It was fine, we were all of legal drinking age, in case you were wondering.
"She did that when you broke up with her?" Victoria said, her eyebrows raised.
"No, that's what made me break up with her," I said.
"Whoa! You really have had some crazies haven't you?" She said.
"Yeah. A few," I said.
As we all sat down, I ordered an Old Fashioned by just putting one finger up in the air to signal to George. He knew what that meant.
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Dan said.
"I have to quit the band," I said.
Dan and Tommy's mouths dropped wide open.