Return to the Leaf!

Have you guys ever woken up and just felt like your whole body is in pain? Not like getting a cramp, but like every injury you've had in the past just came back to haunt you?

I can't see if you guys are responding from here so I'll just put most of you down as erectile dysfunction. Hold up, wrong chart, my bad. Uh, here it is. Ah yes, this one has the two other options that other one was missing.

Now tell me, is your response yes, no, or erectile dysfunction? Now there is no shame in being honest. Hey, hey. HEY! CALM DOWN! Good. Now, hold long have you had this problem.

Oh I'm not a doctor. Let me just assume you guys said no and skip this medical bullshit since I don't understand what most of it means anyway. So where was I? Oh yeah, intense pain. Yeah, my regeneration does not help me with sore muscles, and to make matters even worse the regenerated muscles constantly getting re-regenerated made it even more sore, so now I can't move.

But I have shadow clones to carry me! "I SUMMON YE, LARRY, BOB, AND TIM!" I believe it's important to put emotion into what you do, even if you are summoning yourself to go and carry you around. I sit back and relax as I have my clones carry me on a stretcher of sorts over to the tiger, well the cave where the tiger had that Ezekiel kid stay at.

After we got to the mouth of the cave I heard the tiger sage's voice get closer, "Ah, I see you are awake with a few hours to spare, excell- what in the hell do you think you're doing boy?" Ah he must have seen me being carried by my clones that, miraculously, aren't suffering from the same pain as me. I guess they are chakra constructs after all and they won't mimic my physical state unless I want them to.

I have the clones turn the stretcher horizontally so my face can see the tiger, "Well, long story short, pain. Short story long, it fucking hurts and I can't move. I figured so long as I can recover before the day ends I'll be fine." I have no energy to argue with you man! Ples, be good kitteh.

Nope, he is looking at me with a scowl, "You humans are so weak, its a wonder that my master ever managed to be worthy from how weak you all are. Take the damn scroll and don't come back until you are ready to fight me for a weak straight. Now get!" He flings the scroll to me with his tail right towards me and I instinctively tried to catch it, but doing so made the muscles in my arm scream out and forced me to pull my arms back to my sides where they won't hurt as much.

After the scroll hits me in the gut I have one of my clones throw it into the storage and then to teleport back to the leaf. Wait, I have different ways I can play this since I still have time before the war. Go to my house and sleep until the fighting happens, which I will say is tempting but probably not the best idea, go to the Hokage's office and probably be sent to the hospital, or I can go through the main gates and make a badass entrance even though I am on the stretcher, then probably be sent to the hospital.

Yep, I am going to make a badass entrance. I have my clones flash with me over to the gate of the leaf and sweet Jesus, I'm looking at it upside down and it is throwing off all of my senses, is one of my clones carrying me lower?

Suddenly my head hits the ground, and due to my soreness I couldn't catch myself easily as I landed. After a few more moments my feet fall and I get the memories of the clones, nothing happened, they just disappeared?! Oh shit, an enemy then!

I quickly roll to the left and push past the pain and try to use the Thunder God technique, but for some reasons I can't sense the formula I put down? Oh shit this is a trap meant just for me, isn't it?

After I rolled over I saw where I was before was a kunai in the place of my head so I roll back over to it and try to grab it despite my muscles pain, but when I do someone steps onto my hand! Shit!

I try to pick up my hand but I am so weak right now Arthur could beat me up! Think Joe think!

Fuck, suddenly the back of my head is struck and I push my conscious to make a shadow clone and have him get away and get help. Even if I was weak my shadow clones should have been able to at least sense them. Soon after my vision fades to black.

***********************Unknown Assailant's POV*********************************

Hehe, I was very happy when, out of this boring week I was having, our target popped up, and what made it even better was the fact that he was weakened!

I saw that he was using shadow clones, so just to be safe I used the scroll given to each of us to discreetly call for backup. After I made sure it left I sealed the area using another scroll since he used a technique that the damned 2nd Hokage used, thankfully though it seems he only uses it for travel and when in combat it is easy enough to read given a few hits.

After I made sure he couldn't run and that I had enough help I threw a Kunai at the clone that was holding his head, that way he would hopefully be dazed. After I saw him turn his head to the side I threw another two Kunai at the clones that were holding his feet, and as soon as he hit the ground I threw one towards his arm to incapacitate him, or I tried, but suddenly a branch fell to my left causing the kunai to go right for his head!

Shit! I started running from the trees to try and counter the Kunai as I would not just fail the mission but be executed for how important he is! I got lucky, especially since the Kunai I threw to counter missed slightly and dug straight into the wooden walls of the leaf. I couldn't help but think that this area won't be isolated for long and I needed to knock him out fast!

I ran up to him and saw that he was turning over and reaching for the Kunai with great difficulty, but sadly in his weakened state I was much faster and stepped onto his wrist. There is no way that he can overpower me and the strict training that my Village has had me endure to get to this point. I was getting annoyed by his struggles so I used my other foot to kick his head, yet the bastard was still clinging to his mentality! I raised my foot and kicked again, this time harder, which ended up knocking him out successfully. Now I needed to take him back to the rendezvous point where my group was stationed at.

I threw him over my shoulder and jumped from tree to tree, making sure to, hopefully, not let him die. I captured him but still, our allies weren't truly allies, they only joined us since the Hokage is weak. As for why we joined... well we got some good Intel that this guy here, he knows future events, and we want to know them too. Heh, good thing we got this from Orochimaru or we wouldn't have known and the lead could have this asset all to themselves! Greedy bastards, first selling tailed beasts to all villages but ours, that's just some horse shit! We'll get them back in this war though, hehe.

After moving non stop for 15 minutes I come upon a clearing and see the members of my squad in a small clearing, I land to the side and walk to the middle putting our hostage down without a care in the world. I mean its not like he's awake now and can complain right? Hehe.

"Hm, so your message was accurate. This is definitely the man detailed in the report, yellow hair, yellow beard, blue eyes, tall. Everything seems to be as accurate as we can get without an image of him. Three, you carry him since you are the strongest. Don't hurt him, we need the information he has." Our leader one speaks. She is quite brutal and is lusted after by our leader who is almost as brutal as she is, but she turns him down every time, yet he seems to strengthen his resolve each and every time.

Our code-names go in order of strongest to weakest, one being strongest, nine being weakest. I'm five, and I wish I was stronger but knowing how monstrous one is I am content being in the middle. Plus I don't want to get into a fist fight with three, he looks like a baby giant that grew wider than he did tall.

After the rest of the team rose from their meditative stances everyone made a dash for our base as we had to get him there soon, especially since the war was going to start very soon and I don't want to waste any more time idling by. I am ready to kill some of those worthless leaf shinobi that have wronged us so much.

***********************End Assailant POV********************************

And now here is our brief intermission as your author furiously writes up the next part for you viewers at home. Oh I am getting word from him now!

Okay, uh huh. Got it, he said that basically this is him just taking a break from the serious tone since, he said, and I quote, he "Prefers comedy to anything else." Huh, well from the list of books here that he's read you would doubt it.

Hm, they all seem to be links actually. I am going to try to type one in... oh. Oh no. Oh jesus christ. What in the fuck man, porn is free and all I know, but why would you look that up? Wait, hold on. I'm scared to look up what is in his homework folder...

YOU CAN'T STOP THE PRESS! I LOCKED THE DOOR, I KNOW YOUR PASSWORDS! THERE IS NO HIDING IT!

Sweet jesus. Call the cops, this bastard is a lolicon. Wait why hasn't he written a loli in his story yet. Oh no, nobody suggest Fate to this man. DONT! YOU WILL JUST ENABLE HIM TO GET ILYA!

There are thousands of her, and the worst of it all is he has pictures of... hand holding. This sick fuck, where are the FBI when I need them?

Oh no, the author is starting to take back over, SPREAD THE WORD, LET THE WORLD HEAR OF MY BRAVERY! I WON'T LET THE TRUTH BE UNHEARD!

*********************Unknown's Journal entry**********************

Heh, earlier today we found an abandoned police station, and naturally it had been looted save for a couple bits of ammo, some snacks, and a single water bottle that we found in some of the locked drawers. To kill the time I looked at some of these police reports and decided to use the tape I found to put the best excerpts I found into this journal here. Need something to help me keep my sanity.

I found it funny how in all of the movies, games, and books I read told me that when the world ended that there would be those fighting for it somewhere, but that's bullshit. There's nothing left, I've helped publish the walking dead books and those are the most horse shit. When there are no humans left it's peaceful. Too peaceful if I'm being honest.

I'm just glad that my line of work had me being kind of isolated from the world so I didn't have much interaction with it to begin with. I was really happy when I found a cat that reminded me of my friend's old cat that he had, sadly his cat passed away of old age, but the one I found was just a small kitten when I found it. Mostly it stays in the back of the car in a little area I had made for him. Oh yeah it's a boy by the way, and I named him hope since he's all the damn hope I have left in this world. On the bright side I have more than enough to survive since it hasn't been long.

In fact that's why me and my little hope stopped by here on the way, this station is in a relatively well defended position and I plan on staying here for a week till I can hopefully find a bigger vehicle so I can loot more stuff, find another person that can drive a second vehicle, or just go and get more materials period and I'll pack the car like it's a game of Tetris.

Oh yeah, as goes in this apocalyptic world, if you find this by my body and didn't kill me, I'm a nice person so the codes I put for everything are XXXX and as a last request, if Hope is still alive, please take care of him.

Well until my next entry when I try to keep myself sane!