My summons are... weird

Well, I can get this off of me is the good news. Bad news is, well... It's a seal generally reserved for a tailed beast holder. Did they think I had a massive amount of chakra because of a tailed beast? Heh, I wonder which one they thought I had then? Hey system is there any way that I can get rid of this thing?

'Well there was a comment about the system having something to remove the seals so the system checked and discovered such an item exists.'

Huh neat. Wait a comment? Are you fourth wall breaking? That's my thing? I wanna talk to the viewers too! Lemme talk to them! I wanna see what they're saying.

'Here is a comment host.'

Thank you.

[Lol Gay]

You did this on purpose huh? I crumble up the note and throw it away. Piece of shit not letting me get involved.

'It is to protect hosts fragile ego'

Hey, who has a fragile ego?

'Host is currently on the verge of mental breakdown again after suffering from torture and host wishes to argue over hosts ego?'

... fuck you. You're right though, I can already feel my tears coming back so I need to work fast. How much is that item?

'163 SP'

Jesus that's steep. Well I guess I have no choice- "Joseph! You're safe!? What happened bud?" I look up to see Jiraiya running towards me. Don't tackle me don't do it.

"Well I was kidnapp-" Well Jiraiya didn't tackle me, it was Tsunade but she didn't tackle me either. It was more of a kick, like the ones a football player would do. By the way, ezio and Olivier are still there. Ezio just has a smirk on his face as he has experience with women, hell even when he wasn't trying in the timeline he was from he was still a lady killer. It must be the Italian charm in him. As for Olivier, well she picked Tsunade up by the waist and sat her down a few feet away from me so I don't get hurt.

"Oh yeah, did you guys encounter a guy probably screaming obscene things?Also side note, I need one of you guys to help me get this seal off, I'll walk you through it but I really just need your chakra to do what I tell it." I ask Tsunade, Jiraiya, and Orochimaru who appeared from right behind them.

'Again it is just as the comments spoke of'

WHAT FUCKING COMMENTS?! You can't just tease a man like this!

'System is definitely able to.'

Bastard.

While I was having that interaction though Jiraiya came up to me, "Well I know you'd prefer a cute girl helping you like Tsunade, or well that beauty that picked her up instead of me but I'm what you got. Hehehe" I just realized something, they're taking those 2 in stride aren't they? Orochimaru is talking to Ezio while the latter shows off his blades to the former (Ezio shows off to Orochimaru) and well Olivier and Tsunade walked away and are talking. Aren't we like, I don't know in danger?

"Well uh, I'll take what I can get I guess. Okay so put the chakra into your fingertips, make your hand into a claw and mirror what I do with my hand in the air on the seal." I tell Jiraiya since I want to get out of here quickly. I can sense my bed and Arthur calling to me, I need my little cry pillow soon.

Suddenly those that were watching us decided to attack, first by sending a single kunai towards me. I couldn't help but shiver and go into fetal position with the tears I've been straining to stop from flooding out leaking a bit. I gotta stay strong.

There wasn't any pain though, when I looked up I saw Ezio with the Kunai in his hand, he was tossing it about and getting a feel for it, "Hm, interesting. It seems similar to a throwing knife, but it is too off weight for that, maybe? Ach I need Leonardo here. Why'd that fool have to go and die on me. Well I should still be able to use this." Ezio then threw the knife quickly into the trees from where it came from.

"Well I almost have it still. They moved too quickly for me to get them." Ezio said after he threw it. He then started looking around while Olivier walked by him and drew her sword.

Olivier then looked at me, "You said 5 minutes right? I can keep them off of you for at least that long given there aren't any surprises." She then slices her sword the side, deflecting a throwing star before she speaks to Ezio, "Oh? These are interesting weapons. Assassin, do you recognize these?"

He shakes his head and responds, "Signora(Madam), I have no clue. I have been to Rome, Constantinople, and many many more places, but never have I seen weapons such as these. I believe the giovane (Young man) is telling the truth about a new world. Or well I am in a dream, heh I am getting old after all. Perhaps I am here in that new world Columbus spoke of" Oh man he is going to have a field day when I tell him history, well he also probably won't be too pleased with Columbus killing a lot of Native Americans either, but that's for another day.

I turn to Jiraiya and hurriedly walked him through the steps as everyone kept an eye out for the next attacks.

"Ah, look who started the fun without me? I was busy chasing a... rabbit yeah I was chasing a rabbit that just would not stop running! Well since it kept running I destroyed it's den and enjoyed eating everyone from his clan, and I have to say their blood tasted like kool-aid!" I turn my head to see Alucard licking his hand, and for some reason I feel it wasn't a rabbit and we have one less enemy force after us.

"It was weird though, never had peop- rabbits, send fire at me without torches or guns. Definitely a new experience that was ruined because I didn't bring marshmallows. Also the rabbits made me wetter than a virgin watching porn and threw rocks at me like I was some sort of monster? I mean I'm not a monster, just a vampire that likes going on walks. Tell me is that so wrong that these guys- rabbits I mean. Fuck it they were people, I slaughtered them like they were rabbits though." Yeah I figured.

Jiraiya paused while undoing the seal which was actually tightening it so I snapped him out of it and tried to get him to work a little bit faster. While that was going on I talked to Alucard, "So we're under attack right now and I should have my powers in a little bit, as soon as I get this seal off."

Alucard then looks at me and chuckles a bit, "Ohhh so that's what you were doing. I thought that was some new gay sex thing. Well if you will excuse me I'm going to go tweet about this." He's not going to be happy when he sees there is no signal here, "Hahaha, god I love this guy. He always retweets what I say! No matter how stupid he is!" Wait he has... signal here?

"Who? Also you have signal?" I look over to him as Jiraiya steps back after getting the seal off. I then walk over towards him.

"Oh this Donald Trump guy, he's great. I visited him a few years ago and gave him the idea to run for president by being the most piece of shit person he could be! He's actually doing it too! God it's great. What kind of idiot would actually think that a wall would work? I mean the world had airplanes. Where was I? Oh yeah, just tweeted that I went and killed a bunch of rabbits and that they made me dirty and he put this- '@TheCrimsonFuckr that's cool! I hate when I have pests get into my home, which is why I make a fence to keep them out. #theWall #meta4's'" He then started laughing even more.

Well what can I say except for as expected from his world. I stand by up and crack my neck before I try testing out teleporting, only to find that they have this area under a seal so I can't teleport. Where are they getting this seal master from? I mean locking down space is already hard enough but sealing me and keeping the system from me is crazy.

I make a bunch of shadow clones to make sure I can use my chakra right, and seeing that I don't need hand signs still and the shadow clone turned out right everything looks fine. Well except me apparently. I look like shit if the shadow clone looks exactly like me. My jeans are covered in cuts and blood, as is my shirt. My face has marks from the tears running down it, my hair is caked in blood and dirt. Lastly are my eyes, they are bloodshot and look more dead inside than I think I've ever seen on someone else.

I guess it's fitting though, I can push myself internally to keep being the same, but I don't have enough energy to actually make my outside change too. Whatever, I just want to go home already.

"Alright everyone. I want to get home, this has been too much for me and I don't have much longer before I turn into a useless crying mess. Let's get out of here." I look around to everyone and see everyone, well almost everyone nod their heads. Olivier just scoffed and Alucard well he sent some colorful insults my way that I won't repeat(A/N: But I will! "Aww does the baby need a nappy nap and a bottle? Daddy Alucard doesn't have a bottle on him but he has something else you can suck on.")

When I turned to walk in the direction of my home's formula Hanzo came out of the tree line on his Salamander from the anime before speaking, "I'm surprised you broke out of that genjutsu and got rid of that seal boy. We spent a great deal of money talking to our allied experts before having them do it. Hehe, it was pretty easy to convince them too after telling them you can see the future. Oh and don't worry we had the superior position so they couldn't take you from us. Now that you'r escaping though it appears I need to go ahead and torture you in person though hmmm~? I need all that juicy information you've got in that head of yours and help me to live longer." Did his fear of death really cause him to be this psychopathic? Jeez man, get a hobby maybe.

You know, just to get back at this asshole I'm going to steal his skills now.

[Skills-

Fire Release... Poison resistance LV 8 ... Toxic Blood LV 7... Poison Breath LV 5 ... Taijutsu LV 8 ...

]

Wait this seems, well odd. Weren't skills different?

'System took hosts complaints into consideration and devised a system which theoretically should be able to form a standard across various worlds host visits'

Wait really? Did my status update too then? Show me my skills then!

[Skills

Stolen:

Hand Signs LV 12 ... Chakra Control LV 14 ... Self Regeneration LV 12 ... Sealing Techniques LV 9... Wood Release ... Taijutsu LV 6 ... Kenjutsu LV 4 ...

Earned:

Yin Release ... Yang Release ... Yin-Yang Release ... Spying Techniques LV 8 ... Genius LV 2 ...

Bought:

Analysis LV 13...

Innate:

Skill stealing LV 3 ... Personal Dimension LV 2 ... Skin Durability LV 1 ... Bones Density LV 1 ... Muscle Density LV 1 ... Muscle Enhancement LV 1 ... Eyesight Improvement LV 1 ... Immune System Improvement LV 1 ...

Learned:

Jutsu (Various) ... Kenjutsu (Various) ... Taijutsu (Various) ... Breathing Technique LV 5 ... Memory Capacity LV 3 ... Memory Speed LV 4 ... Poison Resistance LV 1 ... Sage Mode ... Sage Techniques(Various) ...

]

'Informing host. New feature was added with update as compensation. When any skill reaches level 5, 10, 15, and 20 there is a chance that it will evolve into a stronger skill, create a derived skill while keeping both, or the skills allowing a mutation that will also spread to all skills in the same tree. Example could be jump skill, at level 5 host chooses double jump mutation, at level 10 skill derives to leap skill while maintaining double jump, level 5 of leap skill then evolves to bound, level 5 of bound is able to mutate to triple jump. So on and so forth.'

Wait wait wait, so you're telling me any skill I get to a level in an increment of 5 can do one of those 3 things?

'Current max is level 20 for a skill to reach. Note, it is possible to reset this process with an item in the shop that progressively becomes more expensive.'

That's fair, I mean it'd be a bit too broken if I just reset a skill constantly to get the most broken path on the first try right? Wait I feel I was doing something... Oh, yeah it would help if I went and actually did that after I was out of danger and took his skills. Thankfully Alucard was apparently pissing Hanzo off while I was out and paying attention to my skills new change.

Also system if I steal his poison resistance can I buff my own?

'Unless hosts xp in the skill plus xp in stolen skill surpass the threshold to gain a level on the stronger skill no, they are instead fused. This means that host can steal skills from a person weaker and host will not level up and instead have it converted into skill experience.'

Okay... so I can improve no matter what is what I'm hearing. Also will toxic blood or poison breath kill me? Or in the case of the poison breath, will it be controllable?

'The toxic blood will not harm host so long as host has sufficient skill level to resist toxins. Regarding the breath without a high skill level host will die as well and at higher levels be completely immune to all effects of it. Base skill is not able to be controlled.'

So that means later on I can control it then, hm?

'...Affirmative.'

Well I'll steal all of his skills then, and just to be safe get poison resistance first followed by the rest.

[Poison Resistance upgraded to Level 8]

[Taijutsu upgraded to Level 10]

[Toxic Blood Acquired, Level is 7]

[Poison Breath Acquired, Level is 5]

[Fire Release added]

Oh shit this is foul, my breath sucks right now. Can I mutate it or one of those?

'Affirmative'

[Mutate Poison Breath-

1. Neutralizing Poison- Breath now does not harm others and instead paralyzes.

2. Deadly Breath- Breath now is much more deadly and surpasses higher resistance thresholds.

3. Controlled Breath- Able to use current breath at will. Allows user to breath exhale normally if wished.

4. Poison Nails- Coats nails in same poison as breath. Breath still usable.

5. Poison Bomb- Enables storage of poison breath for deadly attack. Varies on amount and density of poison stored.

...]

That's pretty cool, will all of them have as many options as this?

'Rarely there will be those that have 2, or even one option for host to choose.'

Huh, cool. Well get that controlled breath, it's time to get rid of Hanzo so I can go home to Arthur.