I'm not the main character anymore, am I?

"Hello everyone and welcome to a new segment of our show! 'Comments with Joseph!' I'm your host Joseph and what joins me is my assistant, the System! Now I finally convinced the system to let me see some of the comments that you guys have put and I will do my best to answer them! First comment please!"

(A/N: If you guys like this then I'll do this every so often. Also, some comments will be made up, others will be ones I take from the comments from not just the chapter before, but also from other ones. I will announce the chapter before I do these so you guys can ask the main character(Or the guest star if I have one) a question. Or just tell him he fucking sucks. Now I can make chapters just for this if it is popular enough, but for now it will be just a short little thing.)

'First comment is by a, theCrimsonFuckr'

"Oh god, what does Alucard have to say."

"Your adventure fucking sucked until I got involved! Also you call that torture? Pft. Look at some of these other peoples lives like @Kratos . He killed his whole family and he is doing fine! In fact great! He took revenge on the gods that did that too him then went and had another kid with a god! Now that's how you deal with Torture!"

'There is also a reply from @Kratos before they get into a comment war of their followers'

"Well may as well read it too."

"I cry myself to sleep every night- Yeah no that gets way to dark for my liking. NEXT!"

'Okay, here is a comment by, well various people. We shall give you the summary.'

"Give more content please. Well that is a pretty good summary. Well how much content do I give? I mean I was getting tortured for what felt like a long time so I couldn't do anything about that. Should I willingly give other POV's to people... Nah, I'll be fine. Well maybe if I have someone writing about my life he can get off his fat ass and actually write more. (A/N: How rude! I am your creator! I shall smite thee!) Oh shit! Lightning! I've played enough DnD to know I've pissed god off now..."

"Um, don't kill me Mr. Author. Uhh, viewers! Yeah Viewers! If you want more stuff Mr Author Man is working hard- AH! Mr Author Man has a life? NOPE NOT THE RIGHT WORDS EITHER. GIVE HIM MONEY. BRIBE THE FUCKER."

"Huh? That worked? Greedy bastard! Well at least you guys have your answer, you want more chapters and he wants money. Tch, clearly doesn't care about the audience. GUH! Nyeh, he actually hit me! I'm the star of the show you know! You can't kill me! What will you do for plot progression? Huh? Think you can write up a new character that easily? (A/N: Little bastard can try me. Single stroke of the keyboard and I'll yeet him right into the sun. Simple as 'Joseph was suddenly yeeted into the sun.')

"For some reason I feel scared for my life... Onto the next, and last, comment."

'This is a comment by Gortox'

"The joke intros, They are just filler in my opinion and i always skip them."

"Well listen here bucko. Mr Author up there may be writing but down here, down here is my turf. Sure he can smite me like he did earlier, but other than some singed hair and brief pain what'll happen to me? So from all the shit I've been through in life I need this, my ex was a piece of shit, which I know is a bad excuse and my fault for staying with her, but I fucking need my humor in my life. Just be glad I'm not like Alucard"

'Message from TheCrimsonFucker.'

"Oh shit..."

"I heard that and don't think this argument from Kratos will distract me for long. If you don't fix your shit by the time I finish shoving my dick down his throat I will put you on my list right underneath Chevy FUCKING Chase. Got it?"

"Should I be worried that I'm below Chevy Chase, glad that I'm not Chevy Chase, or Concerned for my own life? I'm going to say all three..."

(A/N: All of this is a joke, don't take it seriously, I just picked comments I thought that would be fun to do in character. I actually enjoy posts that criticize me(Well after I calm myself down from being angry lol) because they help me grow as a write. As for paying me, well it is true that paying would definitely help me a lot since, like most people I'm sure, I am worried about making money to survive. I still however plan on writing daily so long as there are no major changes to my lifestyle. though I do appreciate it and do want to write full time one day! Sorry for using you as the Guinea Pig by the way Gortox!)

------------------Back to the story folks~~~~~~~~

"Hey you there, the crying gimp. You have a phone right? Put on a theme song for me and maybe I'll treat you nicer." Alucard doesn't hold back. But wait why does he want a theme song? Wait, is he going to fight? Wait that's a stupid question it's Alucard, of course he's going to fight.

I sigh and pull my phone out of my storage. What you think I'd keep my phone on me? Pft, I have no way of charging it! This thing is my little treasure but I don't wanna piss Alucard off especially when he said he may treat me nicer, I can't pass that chance up given his personality. I go to my playlist and select 'Ready to Die' by Andrew W.K. This should sate his need for a theme song.

And I fucked up pressing the song. I put on the barbie girl song instead.

"Ah I remember this one, I listened to it for the first time when I brought that hooker to Thanksgiving! How was I to know that she was a Russian mobster? Well actually I guess all the goons she brought with her should've made it more obvious. Hehe, should've learned after the third time but man her tits! Ah I love Russian chicks! They're like Germans but less Nazi-ish and yet just as kinky! Have you ever seen Russian Dungeon Porn? Well let me tell you, just like the German ones but a lot more Vodka..." Yeah that's a rant that is leaving everyone confused.

"Where was I? Oh yeah! 'Come on Barbie lets go party!' Mmm, yeah. Love this song. Not my favorite but it will do. Say, you there, man on the compensation animal! You wanna see a dead body?" I honestly have no clue what Alucard is planning. Also isn't he just a bit too OP? Like I know that everyone I summoned is strong as shit, but like... I've seen where he summons a huge wave of, what I think were souls, in Hellsing Abridged. Plus his powers are pretty crazy, though it does get quite gorey at times.

"You are the one who summoned us yes? What the devil is that man's problem and why is he so... foul?" I look to my right to see Olivier leaning into me and whispering into my ear. She then continues, "Also I expect a thorough explanation as to what is going on otherwise you will be a little less of a man come the next morning. It will wait until we get to safety and for now I shall choose to trust you." She wasn't quite as tall as me, though she definitely managed to get into close enough distance for me to hear her.(A/N: After checking she is around 5'8" or so.)

"Well uh, best way I can explain it remember what I said before about him? Yeah as you can see I'm not kidding. Honestly we all are probably going to feel useless in this coming fight." I've already explained the main part of his quirks and how to deal with it, so I mean that's on her now.

Wait a second, I just had an idea. Can I steal powers/ skills from the salamander he is on?

'Affirmative'

Well lets see them then!

[Skills

Poison Breath LV 12 ... Poison Resistance LV 13 ... Camouflage LV 4 ... Digging LV 3 ]

Can I go and see the exp of these or other skills by any chance? That way I know how far away it is from me leveling it up?

'Unable to use function at this juncture'

Well at least I know it will exist later then. Well get the poison stuff, may as well be a poison god while I'm at it hm?

[Poison Breath upgraded to LV 12]

[Poison Resistance Upgraded to LV 13]

Neat, oh hey just in time for Alucard to finish riling him up too!

"That is it, you have said your final insult. You are able to insult me and my village but insulting my mother has earned you death granted by Hanzo the Salamander. May the gods have no mercy upon your soul." Wow, he sounds like a stereotypical anime villain right now, wait a second...

"Why are you so upset over a joke? All I said was last night your mom liked my sweet and salty sausage! I mean come on, it's not like you realized by sausage I meant dick, and by my sausage I meant my dick. Also that by she liked it I meant she was begging for it, also that it was sweet because your mom left some presents on it, and well salty because I left a present on it. Oh yeah, to finish up by last night I meant for the last month. Man can that girl go, heheh." God damn, I didn't even hear that but Jesus Christ Alucard.

"You won't be able to speak when you are dead heathen. Give your greetings to your mother from me when you visit hell." Hanzo started spinning his Kusarigama around to intimidate, though he was still good with it, after I took his Taijutsu skill from him he was definitely struggling to compensate for it.

"Oh? Hell? You think that I'll go visit hell, heheh." Alucard then said in his demonic voice, "I AM HELL, SURE YA STILL WANNA VISIT!?" He then lunged towards the Salamander that Hanzo was standing on. Before he could get closer though the Salamander sent out the poison that was left in its collection after I took its poison breath skill from it.

The poison gas just enveloped Alucard who kept running into it while the gas headed right towards us. For some reason I'm getting a sense that a jewish joke would be in bad taste here. Before the gas can reach us though Olivier steps in front of it and slashes it to bits. Yup you heard me right, she sliced gas to bits somehow causing it to dissipate.

After the gas cleared up Alucard was on the Salamander who had been put on it's back. Alucard was using his Hands and teeth to tear into the summoned creature, and Hanzo who had just regained his clearance saw that his summon was close to dying, so in a last ditch effort he unsummoned it.

Alucard, after falling several feet, landed on his feet and turned towards Hanzo before speaking in his demonic voice still, "SO IS THIS HOW YOU'RE SENDING ME TO THE GODS FOR JUDGEMENT THEN!?"

Hanzo answered his provocation by throwing the blade of his weapon at Alucard's neck, and Alucard decided to let him hit for whatever reason.

After the blade cut clean through Hanzo then brought his sickle back to him and pointed at us, "Now that I have dealt with him it is your turn." What an amateur, he didn't even do the other 9 steps to kill Alucard and he's already gloating. Well I guess it's natural given he doesn't know him or that he's even a vampire apparently.

He threw his weapon at Ezio then, who responded by pulling out a tiny dagger. By 'tiny' I mean tiny, like it's maybe 5 inches total, but holy shit did he know how to use it. (A/N: Low key realized the innuendo I was making as I was mid typing it but I decided to let it happen. I've been writing Alucard with too much enthusiasm.) Ezio used the blade of his dagger to catch the scythe's chain while dodging it, after which he grabbed with his left hand and wrapped the chain around his right leg before basically doing an axe kick to bring it out of Hanzo's hands.

The sudden amount of forward momentum made him tumble forward where he was intercepted by Olivier who decided to not just hurt him normally but cutting with a sword, no. She went and charged right at him before drop kicking him in the fucking face. God that poor mans neck.

Because of the angle he was in he was launched into Alucard who had just finished reforming himself, and in his normal voice he said, "You done goofed."

Hanzo, scared, in pain, and fearing for his life panicked and asked, "H-how did you do that?"

Alucard smiled, "Fuck you that's how." (A/N: I had to include this line. Should add alexander anderson to the lottery just to have their interactions. God that'd be priceless.)

Olivier who was dusting herself off spoke to Alucard, "Just kill him already or I will. I haven't got the patience for this back and forth all goddamned day."

Alucard then sighed, "Yes mother, I'll stop playing with my food now." And I blocked this from my memories. Please buy my premium snapchat if you wanna see the video I took because I will never describe this again. (A/N: Fuck you, trying to earn money from my story. Basically Alucard just absorbed the man into him in a, well his whole body turned into a mouth and ate him, then started chewing. Fuck your premium snapchat, if I want porn I'll read it for free! I mean if I wan't gore I'll go and know what happened with it for free!)

Well at least now Hanzo is taken care of, so I can go back to the leaf and cry into Arthur's fur. I'll bathe him later as a thank you.