And This is why Alcohol is Bad Kids!

I looked around me and saw a couple dozen people passed out around me with satisfied looks on their faces, cups with sake in their hand, and cards thrown about everywhere.

The most shocking thing? Well I will tell you right now it wasn't Tsunade cuddling me with my face in her breasts while she was passed out, it was that Jiraiya was unknowingly cuddling me from behind. The man was practically hugging me all so he could cop a feel on Tsunade's breasts.

Now I bet you're wondering how I got this situation and how I'm one of Jiraiya's hands clenching for me to get the full brunt of her fury on me?

Well it goes back to when I was born... wait no that's too far back. Skip. High school... nope skip. Working... skip, man this is like a DVD. Time to crank it up to x16 speed. Okay stop, think this is it.

'It all started after me and Tsunade had our night of brief pleasure, little did we know months later we would-' WOAH. WOAH. I didn't want to see that far ahead, spoiler alert me next time. Jesus. let's try going to the chapter menu this time.

Okay, give me five minutes and I'll let you know if it's safe.

Yeah okay this is where we need to be from now on. ROLL SCRIPT.

...

After stopping right by Jiraiya he stopped quickly, and since he lost his momentum he ended up falling on his face. That didn't stop him for long though, "Woah I didn't see you there until right now. That's faster than my fastest by far, I couldn't even follow you with my eyes. No will feel like an idiot for racing you at your own speed, I should've gone full speed immediately. Well now that you're here shall we go to Danzo?" He smiled all throughout his talk, he definitely looked forward to testing his abilities with someone new and younger(?) than him.

"Nah, while you were standing there I went and handled him. Guess what I did?" He looks at me while raising an eyebrow, "Wait standing there? I wasn't moving and you were? How long did you do this?" He sounds strangely serious right now, well whatever, "Yeah I ran from the hallway to here, saw you frozen in quite a stupid running pose then I ran over to Danzo and worked my magic, came back and released it."

He looks at me sternly, "How long did you do that?" I raise an eyebrow, "Uh I think like 10 minutes?" He facepalms, "Do you know what you just did?" I shake my head, was it bad? "You just did something almost no ninjas have been able to do. You practically stopped time for 10 minutes and from what I can tell you could've done it longer. Any ninja would kill for that technique. Hell if I had that technique I can imagine what kind of trouble I could get into. Ohoho, the hotspring is calling me. QUICK TELL ME HOW TO DO IT. Wait no, I must exercise restraint, you are a friend."

He backs away from me for a bit, "But I just used the technique you showed me? I felt chakra flowing through my body so I doubled it as a test and noticed time was even slower so I went and doubled it again, that led to the effect from before." I told him truthfully since Jiraiya had been one of my favorite characters along with Minato.

He looks at me for a second before sighing. "Okay activate your version of it but only double it once. I'll show you what happens when I do what you did"

I comply and activate the body flicker technique but I only double it once. I watch for a moment as Jiraiya appears to move in a speed that is more akin to walking but slower than it is running, and he does it around me almost walking into me but before he does I simply walk around him and grab his shoulder, deactivating both his and my Jutsu.

He turns around and looks at me, "See? Plus it drains chakra too quickly. To get to your speeds I would maybe be able to hold it for half a second and I honestly don't know why." He shrugs and sighs as he regains his breath.

"Well maybe it's because I condensed my chakra so much" He clamps his hand over my mouth quickly for some reason, "Don't talk about that. We can talk about it later, it is a sensitive topic. For now," He puts a large grin on his face, "We drink. Now we race, and to give me a chance don't go to even your double speed." I chuckle a bit and nod, this will be fun.

Me and him both walk outside before nodding to each other and I ask him, "On the count of 3?" He nods and replies, "Go ahead and count off." He puts a smile on his face as he gets into a running pose so I respond in kind before I count.

"3, 2, 1- Hey wait you bastard! GO!" I activate my normal body flicker technique and Sprint past the bastard who decided to take off at 1. Little does he know is that even my normal body flicker technique is still faster than normal techniques so I dash ahead of him and start gaining distance but I encountered a problem.

"I don't know where the bar is!" Fuck! I run back to Jiraiya only to notice he was sprinting in the opposite direction. Oh so he thought he'd outsmart me eh? I follow him from a distance before I see him heading toward a building with and open front and a curtain pulled to the side, the sign says Bar in English. How odd.

I Sprint again and end up getting in right before him and end my Jutsu. After a moment Jiraiya pops up and looks at me, "wait what, I thought for sure I lost you back there?! How did you find the Bar??" His mouth practically dropped when I replied to him, "I didn't find it, I found you." I give him a big shit eating grin.

"So I have no money so how about you buy me a couple drinks as a reward for beating you after cheating" I raise my eyebrow and grin at him until he sighs, "Fine, only 2 though. Haven't had a mission in awhile so I haven't gotten paid for a bit." Success, he gave in! There's no booze like free booze.

He leads me to a room where Tsunade was almost nude from gambling with a bunch of guys. All she had left was her shoes, socks, and her undershirt. She had lost her robe and several other items. "Seems like you've been having bad luck again Tsunade Haha" I can tell by the look on his face he wants to join in and get rid of the last of her clothing.

She looks at him and shakes her head, "Well there goes my buzz. Give me my clothes and some liquor you guys" They look at each other before nodding, they knew if they got her drunk again they'd at least have a chance at getting her naked again with how much she liked to gamble.

After the guys took off I went and sat down on the opposite side of Tsunade while Jiraiya sits in between the two of us at one of the tables edges. After she finishes getting dressed she looks at me, "So why are you out of the hospital?" Sorry bud but I'm throwing you under the bus. I point at Jiraiya and he laughs nervously before answering, "Well Tsunade he, Um, was hungry so I took him out. Raced and he won. (He also may or may not have practically stopped time for 10 minutes.)."

I couldn't hear what it was that he said but it was definitely important enough to make her become upset with him enough to the point that she grabs him by the scruff of his shirt and ask, "What was that last part. I can't help but feel like it was the most important... Hmm??"

Oh he's getting the evil eye from her, and he didn't last long. After a moment he broke and responded to her, "He practically stopped time with the body flicker technique... for 10 minutes." I both want to make fun of him for giving in so fast but I know how strong Tsunade is based on the anime.

Oh shit she's looking at me, "This fool telling the truth?" I nod in response. I still need to build up some resistance to talking to her. Puberty doesn't help with this as my old anxiety either so I can only give simple responses.

She glares at Jiraiya before sighing, seeing her give up I look to Jiraiya, "So how about some alcohol now? I'll give one of mine to Tsunade" It's fine to talk to her through Jiraiya but man I forgot how bad I used to be with girls. He nods before calling forth a waiter and ordering a couple sakes, One for each of us.

After a few moments it arrives and Jiraiya shows me how it is that one drinks Sake, you pour it from the bottle into the cup then drink from the cup. I mean it's basically taking shots so I am have some experience with that.

"Through the lips, over the gums, look out stomach, here it comes" I take a drink of the sake and a powerful sense hits me. It's not flavorless like Vodka but it feels similar. After I finish they both start giggling like little girls towards me, "Tsunade that was one of the most stupid things I've ever heard. Why say things before you drink?" She nods with a blush slowly forming on her face, "Mhm mhm." Oh she has no tolerance.

I chuckle and look at her, "Haven't been drinking a long time have you?" She gives me the evil eye then replies, "Oh yeah, you're a kid tho you thould wath what you're thayin." Oh Jesus she is gone after a shot, "Have you eaten anything at least?" She shakes here head quite vigorously before falling over and sleeping.

"Holy shit, she is out. Guess I'll drink hers then." After awhile the group of guys come back with more drinks and we start partying and getting along with Tsunade waking up every so often and drinking more which makes her continue passing out and eventually I pass out as well since no matter how I paced myself I don't have tolerance and I hadn't eaten anything yet.

...

And that leads to now. It is now morning time and I want to get about my day but as I said earlier I am in a precarious position. I decide to just start spinning my chakra again but after a while I feel a pressure on me and when I start focusing I notice Jiraiya had moved away and Tsunade is silently crying and crushing me a bit. Maybe from a nightmare?

I reach with my hand that she isn't laying on and start rubbing her back, and after a few moments of doing that she stops shaking and a fee more moments after that she pulls me tightly into her like I'm a stuffed animal.

Unlike a stuffed animal I need to breathe so I can't survive being between her breasts. I start tapping he back lightly to try and wake her up, but it doesn't work. I start tapping a little harder before she finally stirs awake. It takes her a few more moments before she finally realizes what's happens and she punches me away before covering herself with any clothes she could grab, apparently it ended up being Jiraiya's shirt who had move behind Tsunade.

I don't even know why she went and covered herself, she had all her clothes on. I stand up from where I landed as she looks at me in shock, "H-How are you healing so fast?" She points at me. Hm? "What do you mean?" I ask her because I'm getting confused.

She stand up and grabs my head before tilting it so she could look at my neck, "Your Jaw... I shattered it. It's fine though. It seemed just like Grandfather... How did you do that? Please! Please tell me!" I look at her for a moment before deciding to respond, "I'll tell you, but only with the Hokage and Jiraiya at the same time. I don't feel like explaining things over and over again." She looks at me with pleading eyes before looking at my Jaw again and walking off nodding. "Me and Jiraiya have express permission to meet with him at any time. We'll go now" She picks up Jiraiya before using her body flicker technique. I follow suit and run behind her toward the Hokage's office.

After a few moments we arrive and she puts Jiraiya onto a chair quite roughly waking both him and the Hokage up in the process. "Hm wha, what. I was working on paperwork." The Hokage looks around for a moment before relaxing and seeing it's tsunade that was there.

"Oh Tsunade and our young, or not so young friend Joseph. So what are you doing here today?" I shrug and Jiraiya nods as he rubs the back of his head and yawns. Tsunade punches me in the face again before she picks me up and showing my face to the Hokage, as I let out a couple tears he looks to my Jaw before saying, "My god. it is just like your grandfather's. How did you do this Joseph?"

Oh I see what this is, it's my skill I got last night. "Well to tell you the truth I stole some of Danzo's skills. I was only able to steal 5 but it should be fine. Also based on the fact I got the Self regeneration I'd assume that Orochimaru had transplanted an arm full of Sharingans onto him which gave him the first Hokage's regeneration skill. Which yes, that is one of the ones I stole, along with wood release" I don't really have much to hide, most of my chakra regenerated so I could just use my pseudo time stop technique to get away.

The Hokage looks at Tsunade who is fuming then looks to me, "Is what you say true. He has an arm full of Sharingans​? What are they used for? I assume not seeing things better" I shake my head. I don't know the specifics but I know enough, "It's for a technique forbidden even to the Uchiha. I would recommend calling in the leader of their clan and asking him about that forbidden technique later. Though it is strong I stole his ability to seal, his hand sign ability, and his chakra control so he should be easy to deal with."

He looks at me and nods. I'm sure I've done a good job considering I've gone and dealt with 2 of their biggest enemies in less than a day being conscious. "Oh yeah, think I can talk to Orochimaru. Oh yeah, I need an Uchiha by me named Shisui to help me though." You may be wondering why Shisui right? Well what if I tell you in the future Danzo will take his Mangyeko Sharingan because of it's ability to basically convince people to do what you want them to do no matter what. It's broken as shit but it is useful.

The Hokage nods without even asking for a reason due to how reliable I've been so far. "Also I know this may be a bit much to ask but can I learn the Jutsu's of the leaf, starting with either the Shadow clone Jutsu or the Multi Shadow clone Jutsu. If you are worried about my chakra don't, I am rapidly increasing it and condensing it."

His head pops up quickly, "Did you say condensing your chakra? Do you mind if I see and test something?" I shrug my shoulders, "Yeah, and go ahead."

He walks up to me and places his hand onto my stomach before pushing something into me, after a few moments of feeling something move around me he speaks, "You're right. You did condense it. You have much more chakra then you led on, at the very least 5x more than we can detect." Well more like about 16x stronger... I think I can't remember really.

He pulled his hand away and looked to me again, "Do you think you can teach us the technique? I promise that if you do I will give you access to all of the Jutsu's and even most of the forbidden techniques." That's a damn good deal honestly, I'm down.

"Sure. have you guys head of a funnel?" I look at the three and notice that they all seemed to have heard of one. "Okay well basically imagine pushing your chakra into it, and at the other end of the funnel is a tiny container. That is how I did it and apparently it took me a while. Though that was without any real chakra control."

After I finished speaking they all began trying and in about 15 minutes the Hokage spoke and was in awe, "I can believe it worked. Though it doesn't seem to be as dense as yours Joseph it is now much denser than before. You have my thanks. Would you permit me to make a scroll for this technique?"

Oh wow something I did will get it's own scroll? "Sure thing, I don't know if you put the creators down as well but you can attach my name as well if you do." He nods before calling someone into the room, an Anbu member apparently, one that is hopefully loyal to him.

"Bring him to the room of scrolls, he has all but ZZZ tier Access." Oh wow ZZZ tier access sounds scary, I kind of want it now. Oh well, shadow clones first, different ranks scrolls later. The Anbu member leads me down a few complex hallways before eventually taking me before a door that is locked, he pulled out a key and walked in.

There was another door though, then another. Then a room of scrolls, then more doors. Repeat until there was finally a door he didn't open for me, "So that is the limit of my access?" He nods. "Can you bring me the Shadow clone Jutsu and the Multi Shadow clone Jutsu scrolls? If you are worried about safety right after you help me with it I won't need help anymore." He nods and leaves quickly before handing me 2 scrolls, one that is much larger than the other.

I thank him before I sit at one of the fee free tables, after reading the first scroll, the regular Shadow clone Jutsu scroll, I felt I got the hang of it and decided to try it. After several failed attempts it finally worked and half of my chakra went into a clone that looked like me... or well younger me.

I still had my same hair, but I was a few inches shorter and was now much lighter, probably not even in the 200's. But the biggest difference was that my body seemed surprisingly fit, like I'd at least worked out once a week for the past year. My eyes also almost seemed to have a bit of a glow to them surprisingly.

I then willed the clone to disappear and was flooded with the memories it had, it had similar thoughts to what I had. So the show was right, this can be used to help em train a lot faster. First things first though, I summon 3 clones which quarters my chakra and send 2 to go and read various Jutsu while 1 reads the Multi Shadow clone Jutsu and practices it and I increase my chakra.

As the two run off and the other one sits down and starts reading the scroll I sit down into a meditative pose and begin spinning my chakra since if I dont have enough chakra I can die, but if I can get to and absurd level like Naruto I can do what he did and summon a small army that can help me not only fight, but train.