Whisper on a Scream

"Why are you still avoiding it?" Mykel asked me again. We'd been arguing for nearly fifteen minutes.

"I'm not avoiding anything," I replied, my voice icy, my eyes narrowed. It had been four weeks since Mykel had slit his wrist in the bathroom. Many times he had tried to get me to open up about that night. He had opened up to me several times over the last month when it began to rampage his mind. I always let him speak, listened with as much alacrity that I always had. I kept my emotions separate from those moments, concentrating only on him. Now, something else about that night plagued him. The chain reaction the action itself set into motion.

I knew I was avoiding it. By the look on his face, I knew he knew I was lying through my teeth. We were standing in my bedroom a few feet away from each other. We started in bed, cuddled together, and relaxed. Having a good morning. Then he dared to broach the subject...and before coffee!

"You are avoiding it, and you damn well know it. Just talk to me about it. Scream at me if you have to, just fucking something, Mattie. You forget I'm the one that calms your nightmares. I hear the pleading in your sleep. Stop holding it in. What are you so afraid of?"

"Nothing." I was being unnecessarily stubborn and I very much knew it.

Mykel laughed a quiet, pain-filled sound. "I knew you would do this. This is why I didn't want to wait to hash this out. I don't care if you scream and yell at me, Mattie, but just say something about it."

"No."

"So, you can talk to Liz about it...you can take her comfort and listen to what she has to say, but can't give me the time of fucking day, huh? That's really fucking fair, Mattie."

I cross my arms, my anger beginning to fizzle out as I hear the pain in his voice. "I just...can't yet, Mykel."

"Why not?" He wasn't looking at me, but now looking at the floor, his voice lower and heavier. I didn't answer him, my eyes slipping closed as all the emotion I'd been holding back began to creep forward. He nodded, his eyes now boring into my soul. "I see. I guess I did fuck this up beyond repair then, didn't I?" He didn't wait for a response as he walked from the room. I heard him enter his room and a shuffling noise. I assumed he was getting dressed. I flinched like I'd been struck as he slammed his bedroom door. I listened as he proceeded down the steps, and flinched again as the front door shut with a loud bang! and I knew he was gone. I heard him back from the driveway and pull off down the road. It was only when I could no longer hear the car did the tears fall. Slowly at first before their speed increased.

Slowly I lowered myself onto the bed, buried my face in his pillow, and, surrounded by his scent, screamed. I heard the sounds of footsteps on the stairs sometime later, but I knew they didn't belong to Mykel. They were too light. I felt Liz's hand on my shoulder and slide around my back as she sat next to me. "Baby, why don't you just talk to him?" My cries came harder, my face still obfuscated by the pillow. Liz's fingers found their way into my hair. She said nothing more as she waited for me to calm down. "Mattie." Her voice was so soft as she spoke to me. So full of patience and worry it broke my heart further.

"I can't, Liz, I can't," I wailed, my words muffled. "I just can't."

"Why not, my love?" I couldn't answer her as my cries increased and she pulled me into her. I latched my arms around her, holding on as I came crashing down. I sobbed, my breath coming in short, gasping as my heart rate sped up. "Mattie, baby, you need to breathe." She ran her fingers through my hair, kissing gently in random spots along my head. "Sh, sh, baby. Breathe, my love. Breathe." She kept repeating soothing words and phrases, her fingers gliding through my hair, down my back, and along my arm.

I don't know how long it took me to calm myself down enough to form coherent thoughts, let alone coherent sentence structures. My cognitive ability had been destroyed by an overwhelmingly distraught panic that manifested as a physical pain in my chest. "How can I tell him?" I finally managed to groan out.

I felt a light kiss on the back of my neck, her fingers consistently gliding through my hair. "How can you not tell him, baby? This is killing you keeping this all bottled up."

"I don't know how!" I tightened my grip around her. "How can I tell him?"

"Oh, baby love...you just have to tell him. No matter how it comes out, it's better than locking it away like this." She continued to pet me as she spoke, continuing always to be the motherly figure I so desperately needed.

"What if he doesn't love me anymore?" The thought made my entire being ache. "He already thinks I don't love him anymore."

"Mattie, he loves you more than you know. He's scared. And he's upset. But, my love, he loves you very much." I couldn't answer as my lamenting increased in volume. "You need to talk to him." I nodded my acquiescence but didn't remove myself from her hold. "Come on, love. Let's go have some coffee downstairs. I'll make us breakfast. We can eat and smoke and just hang out today. How's that sound? We haven't been able to just hang out just the two of us for a while now."

I nodded with a choked, "Okay." Slowly, I sat up pulling my t-shirt over my face, and wiped away the moister gathered there. I took a ragged breath to try and calm myself further. Liz kissed my temple and stood.

"Go wash your face. Take a breath. And meet me downstairs, okay?" She half-smiled at me. I could see her worry as she looked me over and I would have smiled had my eyes not watered again. I nodded and stood making my way to the bathroom.

I met Liz in the kitchen ten minutes later, sufficiently calm to not shatter into broken shards all over the floor. I gave a weak smile when she looked at me and she returned it, handing me a giant coffee cup. Full and made with the perfect amount of sugar. I did smile then. "There's that smile," she said. "I've missed it lately."

"Me, too," I answered.

"What's gotcha smiling, babycakes?" She squeezed my shoulder as she made her way to the fridge to gather whatever she decided on for breakfast.

"Just...you." I could feel myself beginning to blush despite myself.

She smiled but didn't comment on how red I must have been and instead said, "What about me?"

"Just you. You're amazing, Liz. You know me better than anyone. Better than Mykel...better than anyone. Right down to how much sugar I like in my coffee." I watched her break open a few eggs over the frying pan.

"You and I got very close, very fast. Even before you came to stay here." She stopped and looked at me, her eyes boring into my very soul. "I love you, Mattie. You know that, right?"

I smiled. "I know. I love you, too, Liz."

She looked like she wanted to say more but remained silent as she turned back to the eggs. She added diced ham and bell peppers with a slew of the perfect mixture of seasonings. "Wanna sit on the swing while we eat?"

I nodded and smiled around my cup. "Sounds perfect."

We ate mostly in companionable silence as we watched the birds dance around the trees. Along the power lines sat three bluejays, one sitting slightly further away than the other two. Almost as if it were ostracized from his mates. My heart fell a little at the sight. The lone bird held both a meaning for me and a message. "Liz?"

"Hm?"

"You know when Mykel is coming home?"

She looked at me. "Later tonight after the shop closes, I would assume. He left in a bit of a hurry." She looked at me for a moment before speaking more, my eyes trained on those three little birds. "Gonna talk to him?" Her voice was held in low tones, light, curious and supportive.

"I...need to. I just...don't want to make things worse. You know?"

"I really don't think you'll make it worse. But how are you afraid of making things worse?"

I took a long drink of my coffee, making a face at its cooled state. "I'm pissed, Liz. I...don't feel like he gives enough of a shit about me if he can slit his fucking wrist in front of me over someone else." I stood from the swing and leaned against the porch railing. "And I'm...scared...because...what if it's true?"

I heard the swing chains move as she stood up and made her way next to me. "Do you really believe that?" I didn't look at her as she turned her head to study me.

"I don't know what I believe anymore, Liz."

"Mattie, do you trust me?" She asked as she stood up straight. She was looking over my shoulder at something outside my vision.

"With my life," I answered her.

"You won't make it worse. I promise it's better if you just get it out...however, it comes out...scream, cry...do what you need to do. But I promise he would rather that than avoidance."

"But I'm not avoiding him," I argued.

"No, but you're avoiding the subject of what happened. You're avoiding your emotions. You're tense around him. And he knows it. And Mattie...he is scared you don't love him anymore because of this. I know you do. Just as I know he does. So talk to him, my love." She lightly kissed my temple before stepping away from me and headed inside.

A few minutes later I turned to follow Liz back inside. I stopped before I turned all the way around as Mykel's face swam into view. "H-hi," I said with a slight stutter. I bit my lower lip as my chest tightened.

He smiled sadly, lowering his eyes. "Hey, mon bonheur."

"I-I-I-I th-thou-thought th-that you were g-g-go-going to be g-gone all day." I frowned at my inability to not stutter when I was overly anxious and bit down hard on my lip.

"I didn't go to the shop," he said. "Over the last few weeks, I had to hire a few artists and delegate the work. There was too much for me to handle alone. Which is good and was unexpected. But it freed up some time for me." His voice was soft but different from the tone Liz had used with me. He held sad and fearful undertones, his face long and drawn.

"Oh. I...didn't know that."

He shrugged. "We haven't exactly been...talkative with one another lately."

I nodded. "I know. I'm s-sorry." I damned myself as I felt water on the rise behind my eyes before they pooled and overflowed.

He took two, hesitant steps toward me before he stopped. "You, uh...care to walk with me?" I nodded and we set off silently toward the trails that permeated the mountainside. Neither of us said anything for some time, both of us trying to figure out how to broach the subject at hand and still remain calm, cool, and collected. At his first words about fifteen minutes out, I knew that calm and collected wouldn't be making an appearance for me. He had taken my hand as we reached the edge of the property, and I could feel his insecurities through the contact. He stopped walking, gently pulling me around to face him, not relinquishing his hold on my hand. His hold tightened a bit as he asked, "Do...do you still love me, Mattie?" He was terrified I would say no. I read it all over his face. He wasn't hiding his feelings from me but laid them out bare and plain for me to see.

"I never stopped loving you, Mykel," I told him as my throat tightened.

"Then what? I mean..." He sighed, his eyes pleading with me. "It hurts, Mattie." I saw his eyes begin to shine and he turned and continued walking, his head down. "I'm not going to try to make excuses for myself. What I did was stupid and it hurt you. And Liz. I just...wish you understood." He looked at me, his eyes dry again with a dullness to them I had never before seen present there.

"I do to some extent. But you did it in front of me. You had enough force where you could have died and..." I stopped walking and pulled my hand free. I felt his reluctance to let go. He looked at me as if he thought I'd dematerialize right before his eyes. I crossed my arms over my chest, drawing myself in tighter. "I feel betrayed, Mykel. I feel like..." I stopped as my lungs constricted behind my rib cage and tried to breathe slowly.

"You feel like what, mon bonheur?"

"How can you call me that, Mykel?" I asked him as my voice cracked. "How can I be your happiness if you'd rather die than be with me?" I looked away as a sob escaped me. "How can you really love me if you'd rather fucking slit your wrist?" I was beginning to get worked up, my voice beginning to raise with the emotion. "You said you'd never do that. You told me that I never had to worry about you doing something like that. And you said nothing, Mykel...you said nothing to me, nothing to Liz. You just..." I covered my face and took a breath. "You just went upstairs and slit your wrist. And maybe I'm a goddamn selfish bastard for thinking this way, but goddamn it, how am I supposed to feel? I've always feared that I'm second to a dead man, Mykel and it feels like you confirmed those feelings." I paused to look at his face, which was pale from my words. He wasn't looking at me, his arms crossed in similar fashion to mine.

"And I'm terrified that I'm right. Am I right, Mykel?" I took a shaky breath. "Please tell me I'm not right. Please. Please tell me I'm wrong."

Mykel took two steps forward but not touching me. Slowly he reached out and wiped the tears from my cheeks. "You're wrong, Mattie." At his words, my bewailing increased, though silently. "I love you. I love you and you're not second to anyone. Not Kaiden, not anyone. I was just so overwhelmed, I wanted it to stop. At that moment that man pulled my heart from my chest and handed it to me.

"You have a right to feel how you feel, and I won't invalidate it. But put aside that for a moment and understand how I feel." His hand slammed against his chest and I jumped slightly. "It wasn't anything to do with you, Mattie," he said lowly. "I love you and I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry, Mattie. I wasn't thinking about anything except that I killed him. That he hanged himself because of me." He pointed at himself, his face pained and full of anguish. "And, I don't know, Mattie...it became too much. Kaiden was the love of my life for longer than he wasn't. He was my best friend. And I've tried to convince myself over and over that it wasn't my fault and for that man to..." He stopped and took a breath, scrubbing his hands down his face. He was trying his best to keep any anger he might have felt from the situation, having noticed I jumped away from his hand as he hit his chest. "I walked back into that room when he said that. I found him hanging there again." He blinked to clear his vision. "H-he was still warm when I cut him down, Mattie. And I tried so, so hard to save him."

"How do you think I feel, Mykel? How I would have felt if you had succeeded? All I can think is I almost didn't come check on you. How many times have I let you just cool down for a bit on your own before I come and check on you? And suddenly I got this feeling and I ran upstairs. If I'd have waited just a couple more minutes...and every day for the last four weeks I've been walking into that room...but just a little too late. I...keep having dreams where I find you dead in a pool of blood. I understand how you feel to an extent. I do. But how many times did you think after he died that he didn't love you enough to not do what he did?" He didn't answer. "How many, Mykel?"

He was looking interestedly at the twigs beneath my feet. "Too many," he replied. "I don't know what else to say other than I'm sorry." He didn't say anything for a moment and I could see him trying to figure out how to articulate his next words. "Did I ruin this? You said you never stopped loving me but is it enough anymore? Is this the end?"

I wiped my face and attempted to calm my racing heart and lower my blood pressure. "No, this isn't the end. And nothing is ruined. I don't want to lose you. In any way. But understand, I've never had this before. This whole concept of love without violence...of true love...is new and I'm so fucking terrified it isn't going to last. Not so much that I think you'll be violent, 'cause I don't, but that...you'll get tired of me eventually. That you'll find someone else that can love you better than I ever could. Without so much trauma hanging onto them like leeches slowly sucking the life from them." I walked into his arms, circling mine around him and clinging to him for dear life. "I'm sorry, Mykel. I'm sorry. I'm sorry he told you that. I'm sorry I haven't been there better for you. I'm sorry I'm so scared all the time. I try to be better for you, I really try. Don't leave me, Mykel. Don't let me find you dead. I couldn't handle it. I'm sorry." My words were no longer intelligible after that and he pulled me tighter against him. With our faces buried within the other, we cried. We cried for how we felt. For what we have lost and almost lost. For our pain and confusion. For each other. When we had both calmed down I stepped back, though not completely out of reach, still maintaining contact. "I'll do better at talking things out sooner, okay?" He nodded, gripping my hands a bit tighter. "I was scared to tell you."

He wiped the newly fallen tears from my cheeks. "I know, baby. I was scared, too. I should have talked to you. I swear, Mattie, it wasn't something I planned when I went upstairs. It was a sudden, stupid impulse and I should have run to you or even Liz instead of doing something like that. Liz has bitched at me several times throughout the last several weeks over this. I really didn't mean to make you doubt me. Or how much I love you."

I nodded. "I know. I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty."

"I do feel guilty," he commented as his eyes drifted away from mine.

"I know that, too. Which is another reason why I was scared to say anything."

"Why?"

"Because," I began, "I w-w-wa-was afr-afraid-afraid th-th-that-that-that-"

"Mattie," Mykel broke in gently, "easy. Take a breath. Try again. Slowly."

I screwed my eyes tightly closed and shook my head as if trying to dispel the stutter from my mind as if shaking my head would make it forever leave me. "I w-was afraid th-that if I made you feel worse about it th-that y-y-you'd do it a-a-ag-ain. S-so I thought that it might be better if I just...dealt with this on my own...'cause if dealing w-wi-with i-it on mmm-m-my o-own kept y-you ffffr-frrr-from killing yourself then th-that's what I w-would d-d-do." I sighed in an exasperated manner at myself. I hate when I stutter. It always makes me feel inadequate, even today.

"I won't ever put you or Liz, for that matter, through this again. I know you probably don't believe that, but I swear it." He gripped my shoulders, his eyes pleading with me to believe him.

"Do you want to die, Mykel?" I had to know to begin to believe him. My heart broke at the question and my soul screamed.

"No, baby. I don't want to die." At those words, I threw myself into him and he held me there for a long time before finally letting me go. "Let's go home. Liz won't be back for a few hours still. Can we curl up on the couch together and maybe watch some Friends or something? Something to laugh at. Maybe smoke and just...be together?"

I nodded. "Yeah. I'd like that."

I began to walk back in the direction we'd come but was stopped by the pulling on my arm that indicated Mykel hadn't yet moved. "You do make me happy, mon bonheur."

I smiled sadly at him. "I hope so, Mykel. I really do 'cause...you're the only real happiness I've ever known."

We walked back to the house hand in hand, each lost in our own thoughts. We settled on the couch, my back resting against his chest as I sat sideways on the couch, his left arm coming around me and holding me close. At some point through one of the episodes, his hand slid under my shirt, resting it there against my skin. "I love you, Mattie."

I smiled. "I love you, too."

"I miss you." I felt his breath against my ear and it made my breath catch in my throat.

"I m-miss you, too, Mykel." His hand hesitantly slid down an inch but stopped, unsure. I pushed his hand downward, giving him the permission he sought and gasped as he grabbed hold of me. He worked me slowly and I felt him grow harder against my back. I pushed myself into his hand, meeting his slow strokes as the rest of the world melted away in this sea of pleasure I was engulfed in. He brought me to completion, but I was far from done. Ripping off his pants as fast as I could I sank my mouth down on him, slicking him up and making him gasp just as he made me moments ago, before bringing myself up to kiss his lips. Ridding the boxers from around me, I lined myself up and sank down along him, bringing him fully inside me.

My head thrown back in searing want and fiery heat I began to move. We were connected physically and if I want to be honest, emotionally for the first time in what felt like ages. We moaned and cried out each other's names, our movements becoming faster and more frantic as we soared over that cliff together, landing in a tangle of limbs and bodily fluids.

We sat there for a moment before he finally spoke, still breathing heavily. "We should go get cleaned up. Liz should be home soon."

I nodded but didn't move for several more heartbeats before climbing off of him and following him to the bathroom.

In the shower, I tried not to let my mind run away with reality as he sprayed and washed my body of the salty sweat and evidence of our previous actions. I smiled happily when I didn't panic about being in the tub.

By the time we made it back downstairs, Liz had returned. She smiled at us when we entered the kitchen as she put away groceries. She stopped by the store on her way home from work. "Hey, you two." She smiled wider. "You two finally get your heads out of your asses and make up?"

Mykel laughed. "It appears that way." He smiled at me and I returned it, leaning into him. He pulled me that much closer to him, squeezing my shoulder affectionately.

"Good," she said. "I was about to lock you both in a room until you solved this. But I'm glad you didn't need my intervention." She smiled softly at me and I read in her eyes that she hoped that comment wouldn't make me panic. I smiled back at her. I smiled to myself as I noted my own progress. Eight months ago that simple comment made in jest would have sent me spiraling.

I leaned up on my tiptoes and kissed Mykel gently. "We are okay, Mykel."

He tilted his head so his forehead rested against mine, his eyes holding so much as he looked into mine. "Promise?"

"I swear. We're okay. Things will get hard along the way...we both have things to work out still...but we have each other, right?"

"We have each other," Mykel agreed.

"Then we're okay. And we're going to be okay."

"I love you, mon bonheur."

"I love you, too. So much."