Safe Haven

I woke early that Sunday, dreams, or should I say nightmares, not allowing me to want to even attempt at sleep; nor could I lie there wide awake.

Now, an hour later I was on my second cup of coffee, quietly sipping as I enjoyed the peace of a new morning's sunrise.

I heard the back door open and quietly close.

I smiled behind my coffee cup as I took a sip. Liz sat down next to me, her bed head on the highest level of insanity, her giant cup in one hand, her box in the other.

Once she was situated she smiled at me before leaning over and kissing my cheek. "Good morning, gorgeous."

I smiled through my outrageous blush. "Good morning, Liz. Sleep well?"

She followed my gaze, rolling her eyes upward as if she can see the top of her head. She glared and failed at attempting to smooth it all down.

I laughed. "You may as well give up. Nothing tames that jungle but a shower."

She sighed. "Yeah, you're right. Fuck it."

She lay her head on my shoulder and we sat in silence for a beat, listening to the natural sounds of the morning. After a moment she kissed my cheek once more and sat back up, opening her box as she did so.

"How have you been? I feel like we haven't seen each other in weeks." She expertly rolled a couple of blunts before lighting one.

It did feel like that. Sure we usually rode in to work together and home, and then while at work, but those were short rides filled with superficial talks before the start and at the end of the workday.

The season was on the upward slope of being packed with tourists, which meant during the day we barely had time to pee, let alone get into any kind of meaningful conversation.

I shrugged as I accepted the blunt she handed me as she curled closer under the electric blanket. "Mostly good. Last week I kinda freaked out. I'm sure Mykel told you. But that's really been the only time in a while now."

She nodded. "Yeah, he mentioned it briefly. He didn't go into too many details of what happened, though."

I coughed once as I exhaled. "I wasn't thinking." I took another drag, slow and deep, my focus on the mountains on the horizon. "Mykel has been helping me get over my fear of the tub and water and...I turned it on and got in and..." I gestured indicating 'and'.

"Well...if you think about it another way...it shows that whatever he's doing is working."

I stopped moving, my hand half poised to my mouth, the cherry of the blunt smoking. Her words stunned me. "How?" I made eye contact with her, frowning, considering her words.

"You weren't thinking about it. You went through the motions of not only taking off your clothes but turning the water on and getting into the tub. You were relaxed enough to get to that point.

"Don't think about the fact that you panicked once you got in, think about the fact that you were able to get in."

She kissed my cheek and handed me two of the blunts she had rolled. "I have missed you. Next weekend I'm taking off...the three of us should go out and have fun and then go have dinner."

She smiled and I had to smile back, infectious as it is. "That sounds great. I've really missed you, too. And thanks, Liz. That means a lot."

I sat there for some time before Mykel greeted me, his face slack with sleep. I smiled at him as he collapsed down next to me, his head falling to my shoulder. I threw part of the blanket over him.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." I kissed the top of his head.

What Liz had said to me before she left for work made me feel better about the situation. I had indeed never thought to look at it as a strength, as a milestone I passed, and I smiled to myself.

Mykel nuzzled into my neck, kissing the skin there. I wondered about him, about us. About myself. A part of me was still terrified. Terrified that Mykel would turn out like everyone else. That one false step will send him spiraling into a fury and I knew I would not be able to deflect those blows.

I was terrified of the fact that I was falling for him. Falling hard and falling long, and I was clueless as to how to proceed. The way he made me feel was exhilarating. For the first time, I was getting a taste of the affection that I had always craved and had always been denied.

Back then I had convinced myself that the slew of john's had cared something for me; after all, not all of them were monsters. That's what I told myself, anyway.

I wanted to say so much to him in that moment but all words made a hasty exodus as his hand slipped under my shirt.

His lips had stilled, lightly brushing my skin when he shifted, as did his hand. His fingers splayed against my ribs, soft and undemanding; his touch holding the air in my lungs.

His touch, all of it, made me dizzy but in the best way. The feel of his skin on mine sent small electric shocks rippling through my entire being, and I found myself, and not for the first time, craving more. I never wanted those men to touch me, and every single time I disconnected, dissociated, and did not come back to myself for several hours after any of them left.

But here and now, I found myself wanting his hands roaming my body, to feel his lips tracing over my skin, wrapping around more sensitive areas.

"Mattie? Are you all right?" He sat up as he spoke, his voice and face showing concern, his hand sliding around to my stomach, but still flush against my skin. "You're trembling."

I nodded, but in affirmation or confirmation, I do not know. "Liz rolled me a few before she left. Smoke with me?"

My voice shook as I spoke and he looked at me with such intensity that I had to turn my gaze away for fear he would see down into my soul. Into the darkest places, I had yet to allow him or anyone else privy to.

"Yeah," he answered, "let's go inside though. I'm getting a bit nippy." He smiled at his choice of words. I smiled at him.

"Come on, mon bonheur." He reached out his hand to me and, lacing our fingers together I followed him inside.

Mykel grabbed two bottles of water from the fridge and tossed me one. I looked at it and looked at him as if it were an offending object I wanted nothing more or less to do with than a bomb on its last five-second countdown.

"Yeah, you're right," he said taking the bottle and replacing them both back in the fridge. "How about some hot chocolate?"

I smiled and nodded.

He grins as he turns toward the cupboard and grabbed two glasses before taking out four packages of Swiss Hot Chocolate.

"Two packages are always better than one. Makes it thicker."

He handed me my cup once I was comfortable on the couch and sat down beside me. I took a hesitant sip. The chocolate flavor filled my mouth and I smiled, delighted.

"This is really good!" I exclaimed, smiling at him brightly and child-like.

He smiled back, fully mirroring my excitement. I could see the look in his eyes behind his smile. He was wondering, but he was not going to ask.

"You're really adorable when you get all excited about little things." He told me grinning before taking a sip of his own cup.

I felt myself blush madly before I looked away. Setting my cup down on the end table beside me, I picked up the blunt and the lighter and struck it, lighting the end and inhaling deeply of the smoke.

"If I didn't know better I'd say you'd been smoking for years instead of a couple months." I handed it to him and watched the cherry burn further as he hit it.

"Why do you say that?" I asked frowning slightly, my curiosity peaked.

"You smoke like a pro, Mattie. Especially this shit. This shit is strong."

He laid his head backward, resting it against the back of the couch as he held the smoke deeply in his lungs. It was strong.

I smiled as I watched him.

You're a fool, boy. You'll never deserve him. Being a whore was too good for you. You should have stayed in your box where you belong.

The voice was sudden and crippling and suddenly I felt her hands around my throat.

Mykel must have noticed the change in the air because when he looked at me his whole face changed.

He slowly leaned forward and stamped the blunt out before sitting back just as carefully.

"Mattie?" He reached but pulled away when I tried to scamper backward and away from him, a whimper escaping me.

All I saw was her face swimming before my eyes, her malicious smile spreading like cancer across her distorted face.

"No. No, please."

Suddenly I wasn't sitting on Liz's couch, but I was a little boy, scared and cold and hungry and terrified. She opened the closet, and glaring down at me, and pulled me out.

She gripped my hair tightly against my scalp, holding me still with her other hand around my throat. The pressure was light but enough to keep me still.

I knew nothing of what they planned for me. Then my father's fist comes flying, connecting with my diaphragm and knocking every bit of oxygen from my lungs. My mother let me go as I collapsed, pushing me roughly once; my knees hit the ground hard, and I doubled over failing to pull in air to breathe.

I screamed. I fought against the arms that held me. Somewhere in my haze of panic, I heard a voice calling out to me. I paid it no mind. All I wanted was to escape the pain, escape the fists.

"Mattie! Mattie's, it's me. Stop, Mattie. Stop." My fights became less as my energy began to subside. "Mattie, it's just me. It's just Mykel. You're safe."

I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in his chest. He tightened his hold and kissed my head, trying to prevent me from trembling right off the couch.

"You're okay now, mon bonheur. Sh, love, you're safe. What happened?"

I shook my head, reaffirming my grip, and trying to dispel everything from my mind but him. "I keep hearing her. Why won't she leave me alone? I haven't seen them in six fucking years...why do I still..." My words were cut off by the choking knot that lodged in my throat.

Mykel pulled me further into his lap and gently rocked me, calming me. At some point, he relit the blunt and handed it to me. I declined not wanting to release my hold, lest reality melts away again into a nightmare.

"Don't let me go." I'm begging and I sound pathetic even to myself, but at that moment I did not care.

"I'll never let you go. That isn't something you need worry yourself with." Mykel combed his fingers through my hair and we lapsed into silence.

I wanted so badly to tell him of the screaming in my head. Of the things, my mind projected back to me in the horrors of the voices from my past.

"Who do you hear, Mattie? Talk to me, mon bonheur. Tell me what's going on."

With my head still pressed into him and his arms still around me as I tried to calm down, my breaths started coming in a bit easier. Pulling myself fully into his lap, I clung harder to him, willing myself to speak.

"My mother," I said after several heartbeats. "I keep hearing my mother." I bit down on my lower lip in attempt to staunch any residual panic, or any new panic for that matter, to keep from boiling to the surface.

"What's she saying?" he asked me when it was clear I was not going to elaborate. His arms snaked around my back and front, holding me close against him, his fingers lightly drawing calming patterns over clothes and skin.

I concentrated on the feeling for a moment before answering. At the moment I was beyond relieved that he could not see my face; so he could not see the shame so plainly on display in my eyes.

"That I don't deserve you. That being a whore was too good for me. That I should have stayed in my box. She says that you'll..." I couldn't go further as the flood of tears that came rushing forth like a title wave at the potential of truth I was afraid to face.

"That you'll fuck me like the whore I am and once you've gotten your fill will leave like every john that's come before you. 'Cause, why would you want a disgusting little whore like me?"

It was spoken in rapid succession. A single run-on sentence spoken on a wail of self-degradation and absolute terror.

Mykel said nothing for a long time. He held me tighter and closer to his breast as my cries ran their course. As I calmed down and my lamentation quieted, he spoke. He pulled us down supine, pulling me along beside him. I buried my face in his shoulder so he couldn't look me in the eyes.

He didn't try and force me. Gently he kissed my cheek, his fingers threading through my hair; he simply held me.

When he finally did begin speaking his voice was hardly a whisper. I listened closely to his words, my heart breaking and mending all at once, my tears forming anew.

"Oh, my sweet, mon bonheur. Listen to me now, okay?" When I nodded he continued speaking. "Mattie, you're not a whore. And before you argue with me, just listen." I closed my mouth which was poised to argue. I sighed, but I listened.

"You may have been forced into a situation where you had no other option than to resort to prostitution...that was then, Mattie. Even then, I wouldn't call you a "whore"...when I look at you, I don't see what you were forced to do. I see you. Hey..."

He lifted my chin up so I was meeting his eyes. "I don't care about that. I care about you." And with that, he placed a light but promising kiss gently to my lips.

When Saturday night rolled around Liz suggested that we go to a local bar that does karaoke. Mykel seemed excited about the idea, and I couldn't tamper that combined enthusiasm, nor did I want to. Just the opposite. Their enthusiasm was infectious.

The bar was a small place, but cozy. The atmosphere was thick with smoke, loud, and crowded. Not overly, but enough to make me slightly nervous. Mykel wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. Instantly, I relaxed and felt my chest loosen.

"You're okay, mon bonheur." I smiled as his breath tickled my ear and I nodded. I turned my head into his neck inhaling his scent and smiling, pressed my lips to his pulse. I heard him inhale sharply as I nibbled slightly on the sensitive area.

Over the last week, Mykel and I had been getting closer. We had still done nothing sexual more than deep kissing. He did not push for more, but I saw a wanting hunger in his eyes.

He looked at me, shock marring his features. I smiled, encouraged. He smiled back at me, his eyes filling with something I had yet to see. Then his lips were on mine and the crowd melted away. He bit lightly on my lower lip and I moaned against him. He pulled back, a mischievous grin on his face before he grabbed my hand and pulled me to the table that Liz had somehow procured.

He sat and pulled me down to his lap, wrapping his arms around my center to steady me. Liz smiled as she watched us and I noticed an exchange between them that I didn't understand. She smiled at her brother and he smiled before looking away, a light blush forming against his cheeks.

Before I could make rhyme or reason of it, the DJ announced that it was time for karaoke night to officially start.

After several drunken people made fools of themselves, Mykel leaned in so I could hear him over the music.

"You should get up there and sing something." He smiled.

"Are you crazy?" I felt my eyes widen at the suggestion.

He smiled. That smile that takes my breath away, and it had no less effect then. Though there was something different in his smile then. Something...more.

"Maybe a little." He kissed me before patting my thigh. We stood and I took the seat as he walked over to the stage and grabbed the microphone.

The whole bar erupted into cheers and he grinned. When the opening guitar came on I immediately recognized it. I smiled as he locked eyes with me as he began to sing.

She's got a smile it seems to me

Reminds me of childhood memories

Where everything

Was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her face

She takes me away to that special place

And if I'd stare too long

I'd probably break down and cry

His voice was nothing like I'd ever heard before. My breath caught as he sang. There was no need for him to scan his eyes over the monitor. His eyes stayed locked on me as if this was for me and me alone.

Oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies

As if they thought of rain

I hate to look into those eyes

And see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place

Where as a child I'd hide

And pray for the thunder

And the rain

To quietly pass me by

I thought of the moments over the last few months where he padded away fallen tears, when I saw my own pain reflected in his eyes.

Oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet love of mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet love of mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Sweet child o' mine

Oh,

Sweet love of mine

Where do we go?

Where do we go now?

Where do we go?

Oh, oh

Where do we go?

Oh,

Where do we go now?

Where do we go?

Oh, (sweet child)

Where do we go now?

His expression somehow both stayed exactly the same, neutral...but if you looked deeper...if he was looking at you as he was me at that moment, you would have known, as I had, that he was asking just that. Where do we go from here? And I knew that the song was a message.

A coded declaration in the form of music and an inquiry meant only for me.

Oh,

Where do we go now?

Oh,

Where do we go?

Oh,

Where do we go now?

Oh,

Where do we go?

Where do we go now?

Where do we go?

Oh,

Where do we go now?

No, no, no, no, no, no

Sweet child,

Sweet child of mine

The patrons whooped and hollered and breaking my gaze, he gave a dramatic bow before straightening and sauntering back over to the table.

I reclaimed my place on his lap, his arms automatically wrapping back around me. I turned slightly to face him, his arms slipping, his hand resting against the side of my thigh. I felt his thumb absently moving along my leg.

"Sing that often here?" I asked him.

He smiled and shook his head. "No. First time."

I released the breath I was unaware I had been holding. It did not occur to me that that's the answer I had been hoping for until he said it.

A slow, shy grin spread across my face and I found his stare suddenly too intense to continue to hold.

He tilted my chin back toward him with the crook of his finger and kissed me. When he pulled back he was smiling, but there was still that question hanging over our heads.

Where do we go from here?

We had a couple of drinks and ate some fried mushrooms to soak up the alcohol. We stayed a couple of hours laughing and talking over the noise and sang along with other karaoke participants.

Around ten we wandered into a Denny's further into the city; as everything but the bar was closed in town.

We took our seats at a booth, me sliding in the inside and Mykel sitting to my right, Liz taking the seat across from us.

We ordered our drinks and were looking over the menus when I suddenly heard my name. I looked up and paled, my entire body tensing. Mykel looked up at the call, seeing the couple move toward me. When he heard me whimper he looked to me, his expression changing completely. Hardening. Liz's expression was the same as Mykel's, and it struck me how very much alike they look.

The couple reached the table and I shrank away, cowering in an unrelenting fear I had not felt since I was sixteen.

"Mathew, long time no see, son." That voice. Her voice. Her surface tone was that of pleasantries; as if running into an old friend you had never expected to see again. But under that, I heard the maliciousness, that same evil sneer she had always used with me.

I said nothing. I could say nothing. My throat was closed and I was doing everything in my power not to sink and hide under the table.

"What's the matter? Can't spare a word for your mother and father?" That was my father. His eyes were as hard as they ever were. I felt like I was six years old and about to be thrown in the freezing water.

Mykel stood then, his size, height, and much more intimidating form causing them to quickly step back. Liz joined him. Together they barricaded the table, blocking me completely from their view. Their reach.

"Back away. Turn around right the fuck now. Don't look back. He is not your son. You're nothing to him. Now turn around and get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Him."

My father glanced down at Mykel's curled fists; large fists. In comparison my father was small. Mykel had height and build on him, and for the first time in my life, I saw fear in their eyes. Without a word further, they took two steps backward before turning and leaving the restaurant.

They watched the car leave the parking lot and disappear from view before moving from their spot.

"Come on, Mattie, baby, let's go home. Come on, let's go," Liz softly told me, her eyes full of a fury I had never seen before.

Mykel lightly grasped my arm. Not enough to frighten me, but enough to get my attention. I nodded, not speaking, and slid from the booth. If I tried speaking I would scream. Or cry. Or both. And neither I wanted to do sitting in a semi-busy restaurant.

I felt eyes on us from the diners but had not the presence of mind to really notice. My focus was on the grip I had upon Mykel's arm, and the touch of Liz's hand resting against my back.

Without a word Mykel ushered me into the car, following me into the backseat.

When the backdoor shut I collapsed bodily into his arms. My breathing instantly erratic, my pulse racing, and that held-back scream building up from my bowels were building further in my chest.

The whole ordeal of seeing them was rather anticlimactic, as they were unable to reach me physically and said next to nothing thanks to Liz and Mykel's actions of intimidation and demands to leave.

But even seeing them for the few short moments I did, hearing those voices in reality instead of a twisted nightmarish memory, paralyzed my system. The fear that consumed me when I first heard her call my name was as undiluted as each time they dragged me toward the water.

I was a child again, scared and frantic. Vaguely I recall trying to climb further in Mykel's lap, my one safe haven against all the cruelty flashing before my eyes.

"Mattie, baby, breathe." That was Liz. At some point, she had taken my hand and I squeezed it then, desperate to do just that.

Then Mykel began to sing, low and soft, his hands running up and down my back, through my hair.

Singing don't worry about a thing

Cause every little thing is gonna

Be alright

Woke up this morning

Sit with the rising sun

Three little birds

Pitch by my doorstep

Singing sweet songs of

Melodies pure and true

This is my message to you

Singing don't worry about a thing

Cause every little thing

Is gonna be alright now

The scream melted down into gasping sobs, my entire being quaking to the point my teeth chattered.

I vaguely heard Mykel tell Liz to take us home before the engine turned over and we were pulling out of the parking lot.

The near-hour ride home was a haze. I sat huddled in Mykel's lap, my face pressed into his shoulder, tears soaking the fabric, and his arms wrapped ever so tightly around me. He sang. Sometimes the same song. Sometimes other songs. But it kept me calm, his voice keeping the demons at bay.

He carried me inside when it was clear I was not relinquishing my hold upon him.

Liz went into her room and grabbed her box while Mykel sat on the couch, still clutching me to his chest.

Liz came back from her room with her box and the biggest bong I had ever seen up close.

"Okay, Mattie, love, we're going to get really, really fucking stoned, alright?" She smiled tightly as she ground up the pot and filled the bowl before lighting it, taking a hit, and passing it to me.

I slid off Mykel's lap, still leaning against him, and took a large hit. Instantly, I started coughing and handed quickly the bong to Mykel. Liz handed me some water and I took a drink, wondering as I did where she'd gotten it from.

We smoked in silence for a long time. I knew both of them were waiting on me to say something, but I had no idea where to even begin.

"I remember them being bigger," I said at some point, pushing myself back into Mykel's lap.

I remembered the way they cowered from Mykel as he spoke, glancing in my direction as if I would speak up...or if they could reach me...

"You were smaller," Mykel said softly, kissing my cheek. He rested his forehead against where his lips met my skin and sighed.

"I wasn't when I ran off," I countered.

"Things are different now than they were then, also, Mattie," Liz said. I looked at her and shrugged. "Think about it, doll," she went on, "when you ran away, you'd had sixteen years of abuse that you dealt with every day. You were kept in a state of fear. They trained you to be afraid.

"Now...you're not alone now, Mattie. And we won't let anyone hurt you." Liz slid closer to me and kissed my forehead, leaving her hand on my chest. "You're in a place where you're loved now. You're finding out what it means to be happy. You're not there anymore, baby. You've grown beyond that kid you were. And so, despite how you reacted upon seeing them, you now see them for what they are."

I nodded and faintly smiled. "I know I'm not. And everything else is in large part to you. To both of you. You both have given me so much."

"You've given us more than you're aware of, Mattie." Liz shared a quick glance at Mykel as she said this and I wondered what that meant exactly.

I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around her, half lying on Mykel while ensconced in her embrace.

"I love you, Mattie," she whispered to me before she kissed my cheek.

"I love you, too, Liz."

We smoked and chatted for another couple of hours. The topic was kept light and they even had me laughing. We were all laughing.

I stayed secured in Mykel's lap, his arms winding around my waist, every now and again placing a light kiss against my arm.

"Well, my loves, I'm beat. I love you both. I'm going to bed."

Once Liz's door shut I turned to Mykel, my expression shifting. He looked at me curiously but didn't comment.

"Can we go up to your room?" The events of the evening were starting to backlash and boomerang back at me.

"Yeah, come on."

He stood and led me upstairs, keeping his hand firmly in mine. I smiled as I followed behind him, the warmth of his hand grounding me. I was grateful he had the foresight to know I needed him to keep physical contact; even if I didn't outright say it.

He pulled me to him when we reached the bed and I wrapped myself around him.

My face was buried into his neck and his scent engulfed me. I placed my lips against his skin, lightly kissing. His breath caught slightly and I was encouraged and, biting down sucked the sensitive skin between my teeth.

I traced my lips, biting and sucking from neck to ear to jaw, loving his reactions to me. He kept his hands firmly grasping the blankets as if afraid I would stop if he moved.

He let me have complete control. At first.

Before, they didn't care if I was non-responsive. There was no foreplay, no meaning. They wanted to own me for their time.

I took my time, enjoying his moans and whimpers as I swallowed him whole. His hips thrust upward slightly, and I smiled, chuckling lightly.

"Mattie..." He clutched at my arms drawing me back up his body. I kissed him soundly, our bodies so entangled I didn't know where his body began and mine ended.

He sat up, never breaking the kiss, his arms wrapping around my back, balancing me as he climbed inside my body for the first time.