Rian

Since going to Mattie's birthday a few months previous, my sister and I remained in almost daily contact. I couldn't be happier about the relationship she and I were building. I had confided in her about my fears after Mykel's...stunt...and many times did she pick me up and take me to her place to calm me down. We were as close as we could be at the moment, and I was surprised at the quick acceleration of our relationship. I was sitting on her couch holding Cory, who was chewing on the tiger's eye stone that was fastened to a leather string that hung around my neck. I smiled at her as her bright blue eyes met mine. She smiled around the necklace.

Mattie and Daniel were upstairs playing video games. I smiled a bit more at the sounds of the children laughing. "So how are you and Mykel doing?" Rian asked me as she handed me a fresh glass of iced tea.

"Not quite as tense as we have been," I said quietly looking away from her.

"Have you two talked about it?" she asked me softly.

I nodded. "Yeah. I told him we were okay. We talked and cried and got things more out into the open..."

"But?" she prompted.

"But I'm...still really fucked up about it. I...I mean I don't hold it over his head. We did clear the air between us. And I'm not even mad at him anymore. But God, Rian...it hurts so bad still."

"Have you tried talking to him about it again?" I shook my head. "Why not? Maybe you should."

I shrugged. "I've thought about it. But I don't wanna beat a dead horse, either."

"Communication is important in the healing process, Mattie bear."

I smiled at the nickname. "Rian?"

She looked at me. "What?"

"I...I'm not mad at you anymore, either. I don't blame you anymore. We were both in a bad situation. And I'm glad that he didn't grow up like we did," I said glancing upstairs.

She smiled. Her tears caught me off guard. "Really?"

"Really. I really missed you. I thought about you so often. I always hoped you were okay."

"I missed you, too. So much. There wasn't a day that passed I didn't think about you. I always hoped you were okay and safe."

I shook my head. "I wasn't. For a long time. Even after I ran away. Not until Liz. And then later Mykel."

"They're good for you. I'm glad you have them." She smiled. "And I'm glad you're back in my life, little brother. I was really scared you wouldn't call me. I cried myself to sleep many nights after that encounter at the tattoo shop. You were so angry." She looked away in shame.

"I was devastated. You were all I had. And then you were gone. And I had no one. Until them. And I mean...it still hurts, Rian. When I remember that night. Feeling abandoned. It's never left me. And I'm still fucked up about it. About all of it. I mean...I can barely shower...the water...all I remember is being held down...and I panic. Mykel..." I smiled. "Mykel's been helping me get over that fear. But...I'm still so fucked up. I always feel like I'm walking on eggshells and working on borrowed time. That eventually...everyone I love will leave again. And I'll be right back where I started from. And I know I couldn't handle that. And I think that's one reason why this thing with Mykel is still fucking with me. It isn't that I necessarily think he'll try and kill himself again...just that...he'll leave, too." I laughed a dry, humorless laugh. "Find someone else. Get tired of dealing with my constant breaking down. My self-depreciation. My doubts. Me..."

"Do you always feel that way?"

"No." I looked at her. "Just when things are really stressful. I...hear Mom in my head. Telling me I'm nothing. That it's all just a game to him. That I need to get back in my box. Why would he love a whore?"

She gasped slightly, her eyes growing wide. "Mattie..." I looked at her as tears and shame at leaving me filled her eyes. "How can you forgive me for leaving you there? For...I'm responsible..."

"No, you're not. It's over. I'm not in that life anymore. You did what you had to do, Ri. I don't blame you for any of it. And I never blamed you for that part of my life. Don't blame yourself, either." She nodded. "Okay? Please?"

"Okay, Mattie." I knew she wasn't letting it go so easily. I could see the shame and guilt dancing like fireflies behind her eyes.

"Rian." She looked up at me, her blue orbs, so much like my own, shone with guilt-ridden self-blame. "You didn't know. I know now that you didn't just leave me...that you tried to get me out...and I also know how much it tore you up to leave me there. But what came next...it was my choice. My decision. It was my decision to leave that life. It's mine never to return to. I blame them for most of everything surrounding our lives at that point. Even my working the streets for the most part. But it's done with now. I'm in a better place. I'm loved and I'm safe. Liz has been teaching me to cook. I've been able to save up a decent bit of money because Liz refuses to let me pay her some kind of rent." I smiled as I said, "We've gone round and round about that, too. For a while, I was putting it in her purse when she wasn't looking...mixing it in with the cash she already had. But she found me out. Slapped the money down in front of me and gave me a look that clearly told me to stop it. All I could do was laugh. But I stopped."

Rian wiped her eyes even as she smiled. "I'm glad you have them, Matt. They're great people."

I smiled fondly. "They are. Liz saved my life in more ways than one. Mykel brought me back from the brink as well. He's bringing me further out of this darkness. Further out of my box."

"You're happy?" She asked in a low register, almost as if she were afraid of the answer.

"I am now. I still have my bad days. Where all I wanna do is scream and rage and cry at all the injustices done to both of us. Do...do you still dream about back then?"

She nodded, her face somber. "Yes. I dream a lot about back then. Not as much now...but still a lot. I still hear your screams from the box. Remember them dragging you through the house to the bathroom. I remember trying to fend them off of you. Finding you half-drowned on the floor. I remember having to bring you back. And I dream about it all."

"Bring me back?"

She laughed a dry and broken sound. "Yeah. I don't know how many times I gave you CPR, Mattie after finding you on the bathroom floor."

"I remember waking up with you next to me often enough. With you crying next to me. Holding me there, both of us soaking wet from the water on the floor. But I don't remember almost dying. Not enough for CPR, anyway."

She touched my cheek gently with the back of her hand. "I never told you."

I looked at her and smiled sadly. We hadn't much talked about back then prior to this. I don't think either of us had been ready. "Mommy, are you okay?"

Our heads snapped toward the small voice to my right. Mattie looked between us, plainly seeing the tears upon his mother's cheeks. Hastily she wiped her cheeks and smiled. "I'm okay, baby. Uncle Mattie and I are just talking about some things. Clearing the air, so to speak." She stood and kissed his head as she drew him close. He hugged her while giving me a calculated look of analysis far beyond his years. I did not break his eye contact. "Did you need something, Mattie?"

"I was wondering when lunch was going to be? We're getting hungry." He looked at her in adoration, a small, comforting smile tugging at his lips.

She smiled back at him, her eyes shining with a brighter light. "Do you know what you want?"

"Can we have some mac and cheese with mashed tatoes and corn?" He smiled innocently.

She laughed gently. "If that's what you want, baby." She kissed his forehead and excusing herself, went to the kitchen.

Mattie turned toward me with calculating eyes. "Uncle Mattie...can I talk to you?" He sounded sure of himself, confident.

I smiled, trying to not show the boy just how nervous I had suddenly become. "Of course."

"Outside?" He pointed to the front porch.

I stood, set the baby in the playpen, and followed him onto the front porch, sitting with him on the steps leading to the house. "Please don't tell my mom this, okay? Can this stay between you and me?"

"You can tell me anything, Mattie. I want you to be able to trust me." He smiled faintly.

"I know where I come from. I know what was done to her, and how and why she got pregnant with me." He looked at me, his eyes older than they should have been. Wiser with second-hand knowledge. "I overheard her talking about it with Dad once. I had gone to the bathroom and heard them through the crack in the door.

"They always have the door cracked open. In case one of us needs them. Anyway, I guess she had a nightmare about it. I could hear her crying as she told him."

"She doesn't resent or blame you, Mattie. She loves you more than life." He nodded at my words.

"I know. But she's always so sad." He sounded like he wanted to cry. "She hasn't seemed quite as sad since you came around. Why was she crying?"

I looked at him. "Mattie, your mom and I went through hell as children. It isn't my story to tell what happened to your mom. But one day, I'll tell you mine. And when she's ready, Rian will tell you hers. But that'll have to be a discussion for another day. But about that particular hell, and the circumstances in which lead to our estrangement is what we were discussing. And it's still a raw and painful subject for us both. And one we've never been able to discuss like adults. We're still making our way back to each other. Old wounds heal slowly sometimes." My eyes drifted away from his.

"Uncle Matt?" I looked at him. "I don't know what happened to you...but I'm glad that I finally got to meet you. I asked Mom once where she got my name from...she said I was named after the little brother she lost. And she got such a sad look on her face I didn't want to ask about you again. I always wanted to meet you. I'm glad I have."

I smiled at him genuinely. "I'm glad too, kiddo..."

"I hope that Mom is less sad all the time now that you're around more," he commented.

"Me, too. I know I have been. She was all I had for a long time. I'm glad to have her back."

Mattie looked at me wanting to question further but thought better of it and said nothing. He simply looked at his hands and nodded, as if he answered his own question in his head. Finally, he turned and leaned into me, wrapping his arms around my sides. "I love you, Uncle Matt."

I smiled past the lump in my throat. "I love you too, Mattie." He stood and then with a smile and following suit, we went back inside. He gave me a lopsided grin as he went back upstairs with his brother. I smiled to myself and I felt a piece within me heal the smallest bit. Turning, I made my way into the kitchen where Rian was rinsing the pasta.

"He really looks up to you, you know," Rian said with a small grin.

I leaned against the counter. "Does he?" I smiled wide at the thought before I frowned slightly. "Why?"

She smiled sadly at me, our eyes locking. "He thinks you're great. You play with them and you make them laugh. Mathew, being the oldest, has taken on this responsibility and mindset that he needs to be the example for his siblings. Especially Daniel. They're not that far apart in age. He's the one they look up to. And he adores you. And you're so good with them."

I smiled. "They're great kids."

Rian chuckled. "I'm pretty fond of them myself. When is Mykel coming to get you?"

I shrug as my smile fades. "Whenever I call him."

"Staying for dinner then?" she asks as she turns off the burner once the sauce is hot.

"Sure, sounds great." Conversation fell quiet between us as she called the kids down for lunch and went to grab Cory from the playpen.

It was just us tonight. Her husband was on a fishing trip with his brother and their uncle; a family tradition going back to when they were kids.

I joined in the conversation fully. I didn't space out on my thoughts and my laughing at the boys' antics were genuine. My thoughts though that lurked behind the jovial mood of the dinner table made my anxiety spike. The boys didn't notice, caught up as they were in attempting to gain my attention, but I saw the looks Rian sent me. I saw the thoughts she was projecting toward me. I glance at her with a half quirk of my lips. After dinner, there was the nightly hustle and bustle of getting all three kids settled down with brushed hair and teeth and into bed. 

"Alright, Mattie," she said to me as we sat down on the porch steps. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "I don't know if I exactly have the right to say this, but no matter how much time has passed, I'll always be your big sister and as such, I think I have a right to say this. Let your guard down. The last couple of times Mykel has come here with you and stayed has looked like a lost puppy. I don't know if you noticed how he's been looking at you, but I have." She paused before, "That boy loves you. He made a mistake, Mattie. Stop holding it against him." The gentleness of those words struck me hard and deep.

"I don't mean to," I said softly.

"I know. But he knows you are and, Mattie, he's pretty upset about it. You had to have noticed."

"How do you know all this?" I asked instead. She sighed. "I did notice. I have noticed...I'm just fucking selfish and I haven't asked."

"You're not selfish. You're scared. As to how I know, he told me. The last time you three were here."

Mykel watched as Mattie dragged his namesake and Liz upstairs to show them his new video game. "Hey there," Rian said tapping his leg. Mykel's head swiveled around to meet her gaze. "Come outside with me." He followed silently. Since their initial meeting after Mattie ran from the tattoo shop, she and Mykel had become close friends. "What's going on, Mykel?"

Mykel gripped the porch railing hard as he looked out into the night. "I don't know what to do anymore."

She stood beside him, leaning down against the railing. She didn't look at him. She could tell he was struggling with the emotions he was trying to control and didn't want to embarrass him. "You two still haven't made up?"

"Yeah. I mean we talked and...and things have been a bit better..."

She did look at him then, gauging his face before turning away again. "But?"

"But it's different now. He's different now. Admittedly he's taken down a lot of barriers since we talked about everything, but..." He shrugged. "He's distant even though he isn't. Does that make sense?"

Rian smiled because she knew exactly what he meant. She had done the same thing to her husband many times when she was scared and overwhelmed. "It makes perfect sense."

"I don't know how to get through to him. He's holding this against me." He gestured his wrist. He flexed his fingers before pulling them into a fist. His hand relaxed. "I don't even know if he realizes that's what he's doing. But I can feel him pulling back from me. Maybe it's a subconscious reaction, I don't know. But it hurts. And it scares me." He clenched the railing again and took several deep breaths. "The worst part is I don't think he notices how much this is affecting me. I told him I'm afraid I'm going to lose him. He reassured me that wasn't going to happen. But goddamn if I feel I already have. And I have no one to blame but myself." He looked at her, his eyes dry but his voice carried the smallest quaking as he spoke those last words.

"It takes two to tango, Mykel. The blame isn't solely on you. I know you don't agree with that, and with as much as I love him, Mattie isn't entirely innocent. You've done a lot for him, I can tell. And he really does love you."

Mykel nodded. "I know he does."

"Mattie, however, is very emotionally stunted. You know his past. He wasn't taught how to cope."

"It just scares me. His main way to cope is to run. I don't want him to run. And he is running. And fuck if I know how to catch up to him." He took a breath. "We better go back inside."

"Mykel." He turned back to her with a desperate look in his eyes. "Have you talked to him?"

He shook his head. "I asked once if he was okay. He said he was. He wasn't flippant about it or anything...what if it's just in my head?"

"Hey, there you two are." Mattie's voice came from behind them. Mykel quickly schooled his features as Mattie came up behind them, his hand sliding up Mykel's shoulder. Mykel closed his eyes. "Everything alright?"

"When you asked that I knew you knew the answer. I could see it on your face," Rian told me. "So as someone who loves you both, this is my advice. I know you love him, Mattie. Let your guard down. Let him back in completely. He needs you as much as you need him and it's time to stop this." I took a shuddering breath but didn't interrupt her. Her tone was soft, caring, and full of worry.

"I know," I whisper back. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly as I confess, "I'm scared to."

"You can't let fear rule your life, Mattie. Love...it's terrifying...but it's wonderful and beautiful...and the love you two have is rare. Don't waste it. He's a good guy and he loves you deeply. The fear will pass. Embrace what he's offering you. Forgive him and move on and be happy. There will always be hard days, Mattie...but it isn't so hard when you have someone who loves you as much as he does."

I nod at her but don't respond. "Mattie, do you love him?"

"God, yes." I covered my face, my hands wrapping over the top of my head.

"Then allow yourself to love him. And allow him to love you. You both are going to fuck up sometimes, but you make up and move on. Don't let it ruin what you have." She hugged me until I calmed down. "He should be here soon." She kissed behind my ear and released me. I wiped my face and took a deep breath. As if she summoned him, headlights appeared in the driveway. I took a deep breath and fortified my will.

I stood as he got out of the car, meeting him halfway to the porch. I wrapped my arms around his neck, his arms winding around my center, and held him close to me. I knew he could feel the small tremors vibrating through my entirety by how he tightened his grip a fraction. "I love you."

I felt him swallow hard against my shoulder. "I love you too, mon bonheur." I stepped back away from him as Rian approached us, but my gaze locked with his a moment longer and I smiled quaintly at him.

"Be safe on your way home," Rian said as she drew me in for a hug.

"Thank you," I whispered in her ear.

"Anytime," she answered back just as quietly. We stepped back and she hugged Mykel as well. She said something that made him smile and nod, but I didn't catch it. "I love you both." She looked at me. "Let me know when you get home?"

I nodded. "I will." I looked to Mykel. "Ready?"

He smiled. "When you are." The pain behind his smile made me pause but I nodded.

"See you soon, Rian. I love you."

She smiled. "I love you too, Mattie bear. Goodnight."

We were both in our thoughts as we pulled from the driveway, but I grabbed his hand once we reached the road, interlocking our fingers. He smiled and squeezed slightly as we headed for home.