Promises

Three weeks had passed since that dreaded Wednesday and things were beginning to revert back to the previous routine.

The week before I had moved my things into Liz's from my old, run down apartment. I did not miss it as much as I had originally thought. It was my first real place, but at Liz's I felt home.

It was new and it was wonderful. We had put most of my furniture in the garage, transforming it into an extra "chill spot" as Liz put it.

Mykel and I began spending more and more time together, though my inherent shyness kept much of anything from happening. Mykel, patient as ever, seemed not to notice, but I could feel myself, little by little begin to step out of the shell I had encased myself in.

It was Friday night and I was exhausted as the last of the customers filed out of the coffee shop for the night.

The three of us closed in companionable silence, each working to complete our tasks. Mykel had helped cover the last shift of the night for Emma, who had been in a car accident and broken her leg three days previous.

As we finished, Mykel grabbed my hand and I felt a blush rising from the contact. He had not been pushy, nor done anything I felt I needed to stop, but he always managed to show me affection in small ways. Like grabbing my hand. He is always so gentle with me, as if he's holding a fragile butterfly whose wings will disintegrate if held too roughly.

He chuckled at my reaction, bringing his finger under my chin and gently lifting. Eye contact, though it isn't difficult with Liz and Mykel anymore, is still something I struggle with.

"Let me take you out tonight."

I smiled. "How are you not exhausted after the day we've had?"

He smiled, warm as the setting summer sun. "I am. But...well, you've been so..." He struggled with his words, finding it hard to talk about the week of Kaiden's death's anniversary.

"Well, so great with putting up with my ass lately and...I wanna take you somewhere." The look in his eyes was pleading, like a puppy begging for a treat.

I chuckled and relented. "Can we go home first so I can change?"

His smile alone was worth my saying yes. He nodded and bounced on his toes. "Yes, but we have to hurry."

It was a mild night, clear and cloudless. A small heat wave came through, delaying any snowfall for another day. I changed quickly, throwing on my favorite hoodie, before we were on the road again.

"Where are we going?" I asked after half an hour. The radio played softly in the background. An unremembered one hit wonder that quickly faded.

"Not too much longer. Just up a ways a bit." He glanced at me grinning before looking back at the road.

Another half hour passed before he pulled off on to a secluded road that led to a smaller road that led to an overview.

"Where are we?" I asked as he shifted into park and shut off the engine.

"Come on," he said getting out. He grabbed two blankets from the back seat, spreading one out. We sat and he drew me to him so I was leaning into him, and he wrapped the second blanket around us.

He was quite for several heartbeats, and I was content to feel his chest rise and fall as he breathed.

"This is...one of my favorite places. I used to come here a lot when I wanted to be alone after Kaiden died. I would just look at the stars. I was always at peace here and...well, I wanted to...share it with you."

I smiled warmly and squeezed his arms tighter around me. "It's beautiful here." I lay my head back against his shoulder as we sat wrapped in each other and looked at the sparkling diamonds across the velvet plain. It was peaceful and I understood why he came here to get away, and it meant more than he knew that he shared it with me.

"Mykel?" I said after a we sat quiet for several minutes.

"Hm?" I could feel him looking at me, his head turned slightly, his nose brushing lightly against my neck. His warm breath against my cool flesh made me shiver.

"Is this a date?" I asked softly, not attempting to look at him, my eyes staring straight up into the night.

He squeezed me just slightly tighter, a confirmation without words. "Would you like that?"

I felt his pulse pick up, beating a bit quicker as he anticipated my answer with nervous fervor. I smiled.

"Yes. I've...I've never been on a date before." I could feel myself begin to blush at the admission. I missed so many rites of passages growing up, and I felt a stirring of sadness at the thought.

"Well," he said, his breath tickling my neck. I inhaled sharply at the sensations it caused. "That was kinda my idea. I just didn't want to scare you away with the label."

He rested his chin on my shoulder, his face half buried in my neck, my head leaned back against him.

"Hey, a falling star!" Mykel jumped at my exclamation, making a startled yelp as he jumped backward.

I looked behind me grinning, a slow chuckle escaping me at the look on his face. The startled shock slowly morphed into a slow, sleek smile that spread across his face.

He had been smiling more the past couple weeks, though only lately had his smiles been reaching his eyes. This smile though was the kind of smile that makes me melt. This smile reserved for me and one I had not seen in weeks.

"Look," he said.

I looked back to the sky in time to see dozens more streak across the night, glowing trails lighting up the sky. I watched mesmerized, enraptured by the beauty of it all.

Mykel tightened his hold on me, squeezing lightly, as if reaffirming I was actually there with him. I smiled to myself as he watched me watch the meteor shower.

We sat in easy silence for what seemed like hours. There was no need to fill it. There was no need for words at all. As we sat together watching the last remaining meteors, coming slower now, wrapped up together and warm against the gathering cold, I found myself beginning to relax.

The part of me that was always on guard, the part that waited for that flying fist, or that bathtub of freezing water, began to remit. I realized my chest wasn't a bundle of knots, I could breathe without feeling rising and choking anxiety.

And I realized that for the first time in my pathetic existence, I felt safe.

I jumped slightly when Mykel spoke, his voice gentle in my ear.

"Hey, what's wrong?" He trailed his knuckle down my cheek and only then did it come to me I was crying.

I shook my head and smiled at the worried look on his face. "I'm just...happy. I've never...it's new."

He lightly kissed my cheek in response and I blushed deeply, scooting further back into his embrace.

He chuckled as my stomach began to growl. "Hungry, mon bonheur?"

I smiled and looked down. "Yeah, a bit. I haven't eaten since about noon."

Mykel frowned and checked his watch. "Jesus, Mattie, it's midnight. Why didn't you say something sooner?"

I shrugged. "Old habits die hard. I fall back into not eating easily." The reality of that statement hit me and I frowned.

"Hey." He turned my face to his, smoothing out the crease in my brow. "You're not there anymore, Mattie. You don't have to starve yourself..."

I looked away and shrugged. "I'm just...I...I'm not used to eating much." And I could see the wheels in his head turning. Going over the last months, remembering in his mind's eye how little I did actually eat.

"Come on. Let's get you fed." We stand and instantly I begin to shiver. I had not noticed how cold it had gotten while we had been cocooned within each others body heat. I wrapped my arms around myself, my teeth setting to chatter. Mykel chuckled and pulled off his jacket and helped me into it, before wrapping the blanket around my shoulders.

"Mattie," Mykel said after he had started the car. "I..." He frowned, pausing, considering an alternative to what he was about to say. "Listen, I want you to eat on a regular basis, and believe me when I say I'm gonna be up your ass about it."

I chuckled at the expression and his jaw dropped. "Mattie!" He laughed. "Did your mind just go into the gutter?"

I laughed knowing I was blushing fiercely and looked down. I felt his palm against my cheek and I looked back up. His eyes were serious then, searching mine.

"Really though, Mattie. I'm sorry I didn't notice before. I..." He broke eye contact then, closing his eyes. "I wanna take care of you." He leaned forward then slightly, his eyes flicking quickly to my lips before looking back up. He was just inches from me, as if asking for permission before closing the space between us.

I made no move to retreat and, encouraged, closed the microscopic distance.

His kiss was soft, his lips like silk against mine. I felt something unfurl inside my soul the smallest bit. My heart cried out to my brain to allow it to happen. To allow Mykel to love me, and allow myself to love him.

He pulled back and smiled before turning around and driving back toward town and civilization.

We pulled into a Waffle House about twenty minutes later, and I licked my lips. I smiled as I remembered his kiss. As we walked from the car, he gingerly slipped his hand in mine, careful not to look at me. I smiled as he opened the door for me, and I pulled him behind me, refusing the release of his hand.

"They have the best waffles here. The buttermilk ones are my favorite, and what I always order. Get anything you want, my treat."

I smiled and observed the menu and soon enough we both were digging into our plates. Our conversation was kept light and jovial, each enjoying our meals and company. The smile wouldn't leave my face and by the time he paid my cheeks hurt.

Mykel retook my hand as we set off on the road again and headed home. The ride was made with a peace filled quiet, my hand tucked in his, the music playing softly in the background.

When we got home, Liz was already asleep; or simply hiding in her room so as not to disturb us.

We made our way to my room and I collapsed on my bed, sprawled across the entirety of its surface. Mykel chuckled squeezing into the little bit of clear space left. He ran his fingers through my hair and I felt myself instantly relax, my eyes growing heavy.

"You're gonna put me to sleep if you keep doing that," I told him, my speech beginning to slur with approaching slumber.

He chuckled kissing the top of my head, but didn't stop his ministrations, and true to word I quickly fell asleep.

The next week went by in a blur and I was truly grateful for having the weekend off. I was exhausted and by the time Saturday rolled around, I felt just as tired as I had the night before.

I padded through the kitchen rubbing the sleep from my eyes, yawning wide as I poured myself some coffee. I picked up the sheet of paper that had my name written across it. I smiled as I began to read the neat and flowing script.

Mon bonheur,

Forgive my not being able to wake with you this morning, as I had some last minute details to finish up at the shop. I made you a fresh pot, I'm sure you'll be up before it gets too cold. Just as sure as you didn't even see this until after your first sip. Or third or fourth.

Eat something, Mattie, coffee alone is not breakfast.

If all goes like I plan, I'll be home before noon.

All my love

Mykel

I stared at those three words at the end completely obfuscated on if he meant those words literally, or if it was a simple salutation to sign notes with.

I smiled despite racing thoughts at the light humor, and his gentle prodding of me eating. Since he had made the connection of my terrible eating habits, he had been making sure I ate more than I pushed my food around. He didn't push me about finishing the plate, but he did keep on me to eat until I was full.

I finished my cup of coffee, forgoing breakfast for the moment. I needed to clean myself up.

I made my way back upstairs and into my bathroom. I don't know really what came over me in that moment, but instead of laying down a couple towels and washing myself via the sink, I turned toward the shower.

Mykel and I had been showering together and the panic I felt at the task had begun to wane the slightest bit. Not every shower, but little by little he was training me to overcome my greatest fear. There had never been anything sexual about these showers, but his presence kept me calm through it. I stripped and turned on the water, still moving on autopilot, and pulled the lever to turn on the shower head.

It wasn't until I stepped in that any wave of calm vanquished.

Time for your bath, Mathew.

All the oxygen was sucked from my lungs in an instant, as if inside the shower had created a vacuum where air did not, or could not exist. I felt my legs fail to continue to perform their function and as I went down I felt the water go over my head.

My chest burned and my veins boiled as complete terror consumed me. My blood felt like a river of fire, as if Pyriphlegethon itself ran through my soul, taking me with it in its sickening current.

I could feel their malicious hands, phantom memories brought back in a haze of panic, holding me under the spray.

I screamed.

It's time for your bath, Mathew.

I do not know how long I sat, collapsed and curled up in the bathtub, how long I had been screaming exactly, or when suddenly the water was no longer cascading down around me.

I heard a voice above my head, but it was garbled, distorted from the water in my ears and the panicked state I was in.

I felt myself being pulled from the tub, naked and wet and shaking. My screams quieted then to small, considerable whimpers.

"Mattie, I'm gonna set you down on the bed so I can dry you off, okay."

At this softly spoken comment my panic ran away with me once more. I clung harder to this protective, saving hold, desperate not to be left to my own devices.

"Okay. Okay. We'll do it like this." I felt myself being lowered as Mykel sat down. He cradled me in his lap as if I were a small child, and as if I were a small child, burrowed myself into him.

I felt the gentle swiping of the towel over my wet, goose bump ridden flesh, slowly drying me. He ran the towel gently over my hair, mopping up any water that remained there, before drying off my face.

I looked at him, my eyes still wide with fear, and he smiled gently at me before he wrapped my comforter around me, tucking it under me, cocooning me to bring my body temperature up.

"You're okay, mon bonheur. I've got you now. You're safe, baby, you're safe." He rocked and petted me, calmly whispering, until finally I was warm and calm.

He wiped a tear that had gathered at the corner of my eye and I shut my eyes to block away my shame.

"You wanna get dressed now?" He kissed my forehead and I turned my head further into him in indication that I didn't want to move; nor did I want him to move.

He chuckled before scooting us backward, before laying down on his side and drawing me to him. "Sorry. I couldn't feel my legs anymore." He smiled but I just stared at him, still not completely sure if he was real, or if I was still in that closet dreaming of a better life.

He frowned slightly, his smile fading, and unwound my fingers from his shirt, and laced our hands together.

"I'm right here, Mattie. Look at me, mon bonheur." I did. "I'm real, my love." My eyes watered again at not only the term of endearment, but the tone in which it was spoken.

"Prove it." It was a plea, not a demand, spoken brokenly, and weakly, as if the mere attempt at speaking was too hard for me to go through with, with more than a splintered fraction of myself.

He pulled me to him, his lips crashing down on mine in so familiar a form. This time I did not pull away from him, shyness and fear did not block the neuron passageways to my brain from liking how his lips felt against mine.

He traced his tongue across my bottom lip and my body exploded in a pleasure filled wave. I felt my body begin to respond in a way it never had before.

Sure, in my past life, as I refer to it now, my body responded in a purely physical sense. It responded to the physical stimuli, but it was purely mechanic. A means for a loaf of bread. I no more enjoyed it than exchanging money for tacos at Taco Bell.

But when he kissed me then, it was something of the likes that I had never experienced. I pressed my body close to him, suddenly once again aware I was naked as the day I was born.

Mykel kissed down my neck, nipping lightly as he went. I felt the stars explode above me as his hands snaked under the blankets, wrapping around me, gliding along my back, his fingernails lightly scraping against my skin.

I moaned and shuddered against his mouth. Then he pulled away breaking the kiss. I looked at him with hooded eyes, my body wanting more than it ever had. Demanding for the first time that it not stop.

Mykel smiled a smirk of a smile, right proud of himself, before his face became serious once more. His hand gently cupped my cheek, his thumb running smoothly over my cheek bone. "I am real."

I nodded at the impact of what he just did, and what it meant to me, unable to say anything. "You're real," I repeated, staring into his eyes. "This is real."

He kissed me again, shorter this time, but nonetheless dexterous in its delivery.

"This is real." There was something in his eyes then that changed. The meaning of those three words went far beyond that moment, far beyond my own anamorphic palpability. I felt a slight pain in my chest at those words, but the pain was the pain of mending wounds. Old scars that still bled as if freshly created.

"Is it?"

He knew then that my meaning had changed along with his. His expression softened and within it held all the vulnerability he always kept so carefully hidden away. His eyes wandered my face as if seeing me for the first time before landing back on my eyes again.

"God, yes." His answer was a breathy whisper, his eyes full of so much emotion they were overwhelming to look in to.

"I don't...I mean..." His face faltered as I stuttered over what I was trying to say. "I don't want...w-want-want-want...to be a re-repla-replacement for what you lost...and I'm scared..." Mykel sighed lightly, though not from exasperation. His expression turned sad and I immediately felt like an asshole. "I don't think that's what you're do-do-doing. Don't-don't-d-don't--" I was getting worked up again and Mykel paused my fumbled explanation by placing his hand against my chest.

"Take a breath. Deep breath. One more. There you go. Breathe, mon bonheur."

I bit my lower lip in order to keep myself in control. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asked with a small frown.

"I wasn't trying to say that that's what I thought you were doing."

He lifted my chin so I'd make eye contact. "Nor did I think you did. Mattie, I loved Kaiden. He was my oldest friend and my first love, and I'll always love him. But that life is over. The life I had with him died with him. I'll never compare you. You had similar pasts, but believe me you two aren't anything alike.

"What I had with Kaiden...as much as I miss him, is gone. And I can't keep living in the past. I don't want you to be Kaiden. I want you to be you.

"We don't need to rush anything, we don't need to label anything...but, yes, Mattie, this is real."

Then he kissed me again, soft and sensual, conveying to me through that small contact of lips promises he had yet to speak aloud.

"Let me show you that not everyone will hurt you. That not everyone will use you. That you're worth being loved."

I dropped my eyes. Worth being loved?

"I've never been worth anything. To anyone," I whispered brokenly. My heart lurched at the utterance of those words. At how heartbreakingly true they really were. I had never meant anything to anyone. Not even my parents could find the most minute reason to love me. Why would anyone else?

"Mattie, look at me. Please." He waited until I became brave enough to bring my eyes up before he continued speaking. "The only thing I can say about your parents, or anyone else, is that they're morons, too blind to see how wonderful you are. Or they could see it in you, and not themselves, and wanted to feel superior. Either way, they were wrong.

"What they did to you, mon bonheur, is not a reflection of you, but a reflection of them."

I wanted to believe him so badly. His words and his tone and the softness of his touch was so foreign the concept was hard to swallow.

"What am I worth, Mykel? What have I ever done that's worth anything? I went from one abuse to another. Why would you even want me? Why do you want anything to do with some...used up whore?"

The word made me sick to my stomach and tasted rancid on my tongue. I heard Mykel suck in a long breath, his nostrils flaring.

"Listen to me now, Mattie, and listen well. I don't care about what you had to do back then. Do I like you were put into a situation where that was your only means to eat? No. I don't like it at all. You were just a kid. A scared kid who had no control over anything in his life.

"What I do care about, Mattie, is that you had enough self-respect to stop and find something better. I don't hold your past against you, and I'll never hold it over your head. That isn't..." He paused thinking, chewing his cheek as he thought. "That isn't where your worth comes from. We've all done things we aren't proud of."

I was looking at his shirt covered chest, staring in-between the thread lines. "Where does it come from, then?"

"It comes from the heart, my love. It comes from how you treat people. And as far as what you've done...oh, Mattie, you have no idea what you've done for me. Even in this short amount of time."

He kissed me again before wiping away fallen tears. "What have I done?"

In that moment I needed to know. I needed to know that I was good for something other than a live punching bag and a hole to fuck.

There was no humor in his eyes with the next words he spoke. No hint of jest, but completely heartfelt and earnest. "I never told Liz this...and, God, please, don't tell her...but before we met I was self-destructing. I was sleeping around and doing whatever I could to...forget. Forget about Kaiden, forget that he left me, forget...just forget. And I was so close to crashing and burning. I think she knew anyway, which is why she practically forced me to move in here again." He paused and brought his eyes back up to mine. "You gave me my smile back. You...made my heart not hurt as much with every beat. You make me feel alive again...after six years of feeling dead and numb and...you make me want to wake up tomorrow."

I could not speak by the time he finished talking. No one had ever said anything so kind and profound to or about me previous, and I couldn't swallow past the knot in my throat.

Before my courage left me entirely, I brought my lips to his, capturing him in the third kiss I ever initiated. It was new and gentle and I did not ever want it to stop. Within the kiss that seemed to go on for a millennium held promises that could not for the moment be spoken; but conveyed clearly nonetheless for the absence of words.

I decided then that I would let happen whatever would happen. That he was worth the chance at heartbreak. That maybe we both deserved a chance at happiness.

I wanted to believe. I wanted him to teach me. I knew it would not be an easy feat. There was still so much darkness in my soul, so much pain and doubt and fear that even as I fortified myself for what was to come, my demons were still gnawing at the back of my mind.

But there was a difference now and I was ashamed I had never noticed it before. There was a light now. The small spark that was created at our initial meeting had caught, broadening into a small flame. He was my light in the darkness and I found that I wanted to nurture that flame until his light took up even the darkest of corners of my battered mind. Until there was no more shadows, until there was nothing but the blinding light his love enkindled within me. And within the promises his kiss reallocated to me, my own of similar intent were netted together, forming a foundation and bond that still stands strong almost a decade later.

When he pulled back he smiled slightly, tucking a lock of unruly hair behind my ear. "What happened today?"

I shrugged and looked away. I had almost forgotten how we had ended up lying in my bed.

"Tell me about it." His request was softly spoken and my eyes instantly watered as it all came flooding back.

"I was gonna clean up before I ate breakfast. I guess I wasn't thinking...I turned on the shower and got undressed...I was even okay...then when I got i-in I h-h-h-h-heard-heard-heard her v-v-voi-v-..." I paused frustrated with myself for my inability to properly speak.

"Take a breath, Mattie. Another one. That's it. Slow, deep breaths. You heard her voice..." He prompted for me to continue after I regained some control.

I nodded. "She would always say, It's time for your bath, Mathew. And when the water hit me...that's when I heard it...and I f-f-f-fellllllt...felt-felt....l-like I was d-dr-drown-drown-dr-"

"Drowning," he supplied for me. I nodded.

"I panicked, I guess...I don't know...the next thing I knew you were lifting me from the tub."

"How long were you in there?" He asked frowning, his mind replaying the scene he had walked in on.

"I don't know." And I didn't. It felt like I had been in there for years.

"Was the water hot when you got in?" His fingers began running through my hair and I felt myself begin to relax. I nodded.

"Then you were in there for a while. The water was freezing when I shut it off."

I moved closer to him and he threw the blanket around himself so that the only barrier between us was his clothing, and I burrowed into him, desperate for the protection his embrace offered.

"I've got you, mon bonheur," he whispered into my ear, his head resting atop mine.

"Don't let me go, Mykel." The plea was just that. I never wanted him to let me go. It sounded weak and pathetic to even my own ears but in that moment I did not care. I needed him and I needed him to know.

"I'll never let you go, Mattie."

That mending pain hit me again at his words and my arms tightened around him. "Promise?"

"I swear it, love. You've got me. You'll be hard pressed to get rid of me now." I smiled for the first time really since reading his note as I drank my coffee earlier that morning, an event that felt like a week ago.

"I don't wanna get rid of you." Never had truer words been spoken. I wanted him always with me. To return to me at night. To wake up with in the morning.

I knew we would each have our battles as time passed, and things would not always come as easy as others...but my heart leapt as the promise of a future was laid out before me. A future with him. With the promise of love at long last.