I See You

I didn't let go of his hand the whole way home, my grip always a bit tighter than necessary. He didn't complain nor question, simply matched my grip. I look over at him, his face all sharp edges and soft shadows. He's so beautiful.

Liz is mysteriously absent when we get home, but her box was sitting suspiciously on his bed when we entered his room. He stood looking helpless in the middle of the room and I approached him slowly. With the lightest of touches, I ran my fingertips down his cheeks and took in the slightest reaction. His reactions were not sexual, nor did I expect them to be. He closed his eyes, his head angling to meet my caress. The intake of breath was hitched and he grasped my arm with both his hands. He didn't hurt me and the thought of him doing so never entered my mind. His hold was desperate, clinging even. I stretched my fingers out, cupping his cheek. "Mykel." He didn't look at me but released his held breath before taking another. I felt his entire body stiffen as he fought against himself. "Mykel." I brought my left hand up to mirror the right, framing his face between my hands. He pried his eyes open, his honey-wheat eyes dark with storm clouds. "I'm sorry." Gently I press my lips to his. "I'm sorry, baby."

"For what?" His eyes shown with humidity, but the rain had yet to present itself. I knew by looking at him that he knew why I was apologizing, but I also saw the desperate yearning for confirmation. 

"For being stupid. For making you feel this way." I swipe my thumb along his cheekbone where a single tear dropped. He turned away from me, disconnecting his hold of my arms. "I'm sorry that I'm hurting you because I couldn't let go. I can't let fear control my whole life. I can't let it destroy what we have. And I've been letting it hold me back. Honestly, it wasn't something I was doing on purpose. I should have been better for you." He didn't say anything and didn't turn around. I could see him in the mirror. His face tightens, his arms come around himself a bit more in a heartbreakingly familiar gesture. I walk around to face him once more. "I'm sorry for everything I've done to put this look on your face." I cup his cheek again, my thumb traveling upward to run delicately across his marred brow. I could see he was fighting to hold himself together. He wouldn't be able to withstand the pressure much longer and we both knew it. "I should have been there more for you than I was. I was so wrapped up in my own fear that I neglected you when you needed me most. And then I continued to do so without even meaning to. I locked myself away again. And it's a reaction that I've been trying really hard to ignore. And I guess I couldn't this time. And I'm sorry. I'm so terribly sorry." His hands came up to take hold of my wrists again when I placed them on his chest. His heart was beating wildly.

He looked at me for a long time, allowing me to see all the fear and uncertainty he'd been feeling lately. "Do you still love me?" The question was choked out and I could feel all the effort and pain candy coated in those five words.

"More than anything in my life," I whispered, my gaze not breaking his. He took deep, sobbing breaths of relief and when his breathing evened more, I kissed him. The kiss was delicate, a light touch of the lips, but within it held so many unspoken promises. I clung to him as he did to me. I felt his shoulders shaking under my arms. "I love you so much, Mykel. So much more than I can ever tell you. So much more than you'll ever know." I kissed his neck. "I swear I'm going to do better for you. I really am sorry." 

He nodded against my shoulder. "I am too. I should have been more persistent. I knew something was off but I couldn't bring myself to face any of it. So...I'm sorry, too. I'm not completely innocent nor you completely guilty, okay?"

I nodded. "Okay." He sniffled and I caught a tear with my knuckle. "I do love you. No matter what happens between us, that will never change. And it will never not be enough." He looked at me, hope now intermixed with fear and I knew I hit the center of his anxieties. "We can work through anything. We may have to work things out in our heads first, but together we can make it through anything." He nodded and took his hand, I led him to the bed. We sat facing each other, our legs crossed, knees touching. Mykel absently opened Liz's box and pulled out a pre-rolled blunt. I saw there were several in there. I didn't say as much, but I wondered if he had planned on talking to me about this tonight and I just happened to beat him to it. I derailed his whole plan and as he searched for the lighter and lit the blunt; I allowed him the time to regather his thoughts.

I watched him take a deep drag off the marijuana and hold the hit, his eyes squinted against the smoke that rolled upward along his face. He exhaled and looked at me. He looked the slightest bit calmer. His eyes had dried, though the clouds were still present. "I've been battling myself that this is a means to an end," he began hoarsely. "I mean I don't want it to be. I want to fight through this together like you said. Get through it together, like you said." He paused and flicked the ash into the ashtray between us. He rocked nervously; just slightly. He made a sound of frustration deep in his throat.

"Hey," I set my hands along his things and he looked at me. "Easy. Take a breath. There's no rush here. Gather your thoughts and when you're ready speak."

Half the blunt was gone before he started speaking. I left one of my hands against his leg and his gaze held it there. His fingers danced lightly across the top of my hand as his mind spun wildly. "I..." He swallowed with most difficulty. "I'm afraid you're going to pull back so far from me that I won't be able to bring you back." He grabbed my hand, squeezing, holding back once again a rush of storms. "I, uh...really miss you, Mattie and I have no idea what to do about it. I see you pulling back from me. I knew that you weren't doing it consciously. I see how badly you want to reach out to me. I see you. I see you slipping away from me. I don't want to let fear control my life, either." He kissed my palm. "I don't want to let it drive us further apart."

I pull him to me, taking my time as I draw my lips over his. "I love you," I whisper to him as my teeth latch onto his earlobe and I suck. He moans, his hands finding their way to my hair.

"Mattie," he panted my name. "I love you too." I laid him down on his back after removing his shirt, trailing my lips and teeth down his chest. Sex, the last few weeks had been few and far between, each of us too hesitant and unsure to make a first move to bring us physically and intimately closer. My lips latched around his left nipple, scraping my teeth against the hardening nub. His back arched upward, a moan escaping him that spoke of pure delights. I trailed kisses across his chest to do the same thing to the other side and got a similar reaction before nibbling and sucking as I make my way lower.

Normally, I tease him. Licking and kissing up the shaft before ever so slowly pulling the head in. I smiled as he was taken by complete surprise as I swallowed him whole. He bucked upward, his hands gripping the bedsheets in tight fists. "Fuck!" he screamed, his head thrown backward as his back arched further. I chuckled around him and he whimpered as I pushed his hips gently back down. Gently I brought my fingertips trailing up the inside of his things, making the taut muscles quake in the wake of my touch. He moaned deeply as I began to softly play with his balls as I pleasured him. "Mattie. Mattie, I don't want...mmm...Mattie, please..."

Slowly I let go and made my way back up his body. Sitting atop him as he panted, I reached over and grabbed the lube from the drawer. With agonizing slowness, I slicked him up, enjoying the looks running rapidly across his face, then myself. As I line him up against me, he sat up. His knees pulling up and his arms supporting me, I slowly sank down onto him. Now joined the feeling between us changed. I felt the electricity and the wanting need, but I also felt the insecurities and the pain. I leaned in and wrapped my arms around his neck, holding him impossibly close as we moved in and around each other. His face buried itself against my neck and I felt his light kisses against my pulse. "I love you," I whispered to him, my lips against his ear. He tightened his grip around me and I moaned his name.

"Oh, god Mattie. I love you too, baby. Oh, fuck, Mattie." I knew he was getting close and I smiled. I leaned back against his thighs to give him access to my body. With one hand flat against my chest, he took me within his grasp with the other. My head bent backward, resting atop his knees with his hand around me and his cock within me drove me on an ever inclining rate over that edge. I reached it just before he did, my body clenching around him and his name on my lips spurred him further, emptying himself inside me. We held onto each other, both of us clinging to the other. Our heavy breathing evened out and our body fluids dried against our skin, but still, we didn't move from our embrace.

"I do love you, Mykel. I love you so much." I looked him in the eye, my eyes watering at the sudden emotion swelling throughout me. "You abandoning me in one way or another is my greatest fear. Not because of anything you've done...but because I've never loved anyone the way I love you...no one has ever made me feel the way you make me feel. Safe. Secure. Loved in a way I never thought I could be. A way I never thought I deserved to be. And the fear that that's all going to be taken away from me is great. And if that ever happened...I would lose myself completely. And I really believe I would follow you quickly into that abyss. And that scares me. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before. I didn't want to make you feel any worse about the situation. And in my silence, I hurt you far more than if I'd have just said something in the first place. And for that, I'm truly sorry."

Mykel wiped my cheeks as I had done to him not long prior. "Thank you for telling me now. Thank you for loving me still." He closed his eyes and turned his head away. "I was...I thought that...maybe..." He shook his head unable to complete the thought.

With my hand against his cheek, I brought his face back to mine and kissed him so lightly. "There's nothing you can do to make me stop loving you. I will love you until my last breath and during that last breath it'll be you that's my final thought." He choked out a sob and set his head against my chest and we held each other as we both shed tears of relief, purging the pain that had stayed inside us since Mykel slit his wrist. "We should go get cleaned up." I kissed him again, a bit deeper this time and I felt him smile against my lips as the tears against his cheeks began to dry.

With the hot water from the shower cascading down over us, we fell once more victim to our carnal lust before finally stepping out of the shower. Mykel was staring at me with the widest grin on his face, the look of pride in his eyes, and a smile that made him beam. I looked at him confused. "You have no idea what you just did, do you?"

"No? What did I do?"

He took three steps and set his hands against my shoulders. "Mon bonheur...you took a shower and you were fine! No anxiety attacks, no fear. No tears." His smile split his face. "You weren't afraid of the water."

I smiled as a half laugh, half sob escaped my throat. That had never happened before. He was right. I hadn't second-guessed that I was in the shower. I hadn't given it another thought. I knew that I was safe with him.

"And you still feel safe with him?" Dr. Abigale Wyatt asks. She has a grin on her face.

I nodded. "I do. I still have my bad days...but who doesn't? But it's been nearly ten years now. The bad days aren't as frequent as they used to be."

"I can agree with that, Mattie. You've made a lot of progress just in the last two years we've been meeting." I beam at her. I decided to begin seeking professional help for my past two years ago hoping to develop better ways to cope with it all. While Mykel has done and continues to do wonders for me, I owe a lot to Dr. Wyatt and I like to think we've become friends in the years since. "How is Mykel?" She smiles. Six months after I began seeing her, I convinced Mykel he should see someone as well. He needed to face his demons about Kaiden's death and he finally agreed.

I return the grin. "He's good. He's outside."

"Mattie, I really mean it when I say you've come a long way. True you had told Mykel what happened to you and that is amazing in its own right...but I know it takes a lot of courage to come in here week after week, and I am very proud of how far you've come since you escaped the street." She embraced me in a tight hug.

"Thank you." I wiped my eyes. "You're such a big help to me. You've taught me so much."

"Anytime, sweetie." She pet my hair and moved around me to open the door. Today's session was done. I smiled as Mykel approached me and with tears in my eyes I drew myself into him. He wrapped his strong arms delicately around me, kissing my forehead.

"Hi, baby." He was used to me being emotional after my sessions. I clung to him before I stepped back. He didn't release my hand, however. "Dr. Wyatt." He smiled at her. "How are you?"

"I'm well, dear. I just wanted to say hi. Take him home and snuggle him for a while. He needs it today."

When we got to the car he pulled me against his chest, pushing me against the side of the car. He brought his lips to mine and when he pulled back I was smiling. "I love you, mon bonheur."

"I love you, too, Mykel. So, so much."