Light is scary

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. Such a beautiful phrase. You don't have to subscribe to it's religious context in order to feel it's impact.

Hope is a wonderful thing. A difficult thing.

Light is hard to find. Even if it shines brightly, it can take a lot of time to navigate through the overwhelming abyss before you finally see it.

A dim glow that catches your attention and guides you.

I want to cry. The light is trying to reach me; reach the bit of light within me. Light is drawn to light and I know that there is some in me. It's the opposite of magnets. Hopes draws in hope. Yet, I feel reluctant to accept the help because I know change comes from within.

I don't have enough confidence. The darkness is safe. The light will lay bare so much. Things I cannot comprehend. Things I cannot handle. I know I'm a coward.

I can't handle instability and uncertainty. It stresses me out. I tend to grow short of temper when I feel burdened by something. I have to monitor myself the most then. If not, I may end up unleashing it on an innocent passerby.

That's the absolute worst because the person doesn't understand what  happened. They don't know what they did wrong to deserve the anger I just directed at them. 

And they didn't do anything wrong. I hit a target simply because it showed up. I was never aiming at it to begin with.  Just letting off steam in a bad way.

I need some external factor to motivate me. My mind will never allow me to succeed unless there is something outside of it that forces the inner bitch to shut the fuck up and let the owner of the body to do what she must.

Though my mind is my own, I'm having so many conflicts with it that it feels like a separate being.

Will there be enough light to help me? How can it help me when it scares me? I can't be in a dark room with a candle. I need to be standing under the brightly shining sun. This way there is no room for darkness because the light is too strong to allow it.

Only then can I feel hope.

Don't give me any darkness; it's too tempting. Give me only light or I will turn away. Unfortunately, that is not how life works. Not for me anyways.

There is too much to despair over. The light scares me. It's an unknown entity.

Being filled with happiness, hope and strength is like entering enemy territory. Simply because I was taken captive and held hostage in the darkness for so long. My once bright home is no longer familiar to me.

I still remember what it's like to be free. To run free. You can't run joyfully in the darkness. You need light. 

Just a faint memory of what I once was. I'm compelled to remain in the abyss.