All The "Sorry"'s I Never Said (2)

Joon-woo awoke to a too-bright white light blinding him. He felt thin paper rattle beneath him and as his eyes adjusted to the sudden array of colors and light he recognized the artwork on the walls. He was in the infirmary. The smell of medicinal supplies smacked at his nose. 

The nurse turned around from her sink-counter in the back, obviously surprised at Joon-woo's waking form. She shook her head frantically, gesturing for Joon-woo to lie back down. 

"Stay down, stay–" She instructed in a panic. 

Joon-woo quickly complied, his mind was still hazy. He wasn't sure what happened for him to be here again. The last thing he remembered was being in that office with… Oh. He remembered it all then, everything up until he was picked up from the carpeted ground by… who? He just remembered hating the touch, hating the lack of control he had over his own body. 

"Did I– Did I have a panic attack?" He asked, still unsure how that alone could make him pass out. 

The nurse paused, before slowly nodding. "And also it appears that your body was exhausted…" 

Joon-woo sighed. So that was it. He thought he had fixed Park Joon-woo's shitty stamina and endurance. But if this body couldn't even handle a little bit of overwork, wasn't it useless?

"Oh. Then–" He looked around, who had found him? Who was the one to pick him up? The office he had been walked to was moderately far from the dorms. "Who, um–"

The nurse seemed to understand just from Joon-woo's gestures, "Oh, Du-Ho-ssi came in and you were on his back." She explained kindly.

Joon-woo held his breath. Baek Du-Ho out of all people had to find him like that? His face turned red out of embarrassment, how could he ever face the other after this? "What… What time is it?" Joon-woo cautiously asked. He knew it was late when Producer Jang-Soo called him out, around 8 P.M..

The nurse pursed her lips, " Erm… I mean it's a bit late now, about 9:47 P.M.?"

If Joon-woo had a drink, he would've spit it out. His roommates were probably worried out of their minds. Really, what would Baek Du-Ho tell them, if anything? He went to sit up. 

"It's past your work hours, right? You can go home– I'm sorry for the trouble." Joon-woo profusely spoke. It was probably hours past her original hours. He felt so bad, he really couldn't stop troubling people today.

The nurse shook her head. She was stubborn, wasn't she? 

"No. No– It's my job to help you guys. And actually– I was checking your medical records and I noticed…" She paused, trying to find the right words. 

Joon-woo stiffened, he hadn't thought about those things. Really, wasn't that something he should've checked?

"You have a history of fainting and severe panic attacks." She revealed, the blow of words hit Joon-woo's chest. "And it appears you have prescribed medication for your anxiety… Do you perhaps have that on you?" 

Joon-woo paused. Anxiety made a whole lotta sense for this body. Weren't he and Ha-rin more alike than he originally thought? Ha-rin had anxiety so bad, that after Cheerleader disbanded she quite literally could not go outside without her body collapsing on her. Was Joon-woo a similar case?

"Um… I don't, no…" He admitted, because how could he explain his supernatural circumstances without being admitted to a mental hospital? 

The nurse shook her head disapprovingly, "Okay… Well I'll try to get them re-prescribed for you then… Those things are very important, you know?"

Joon-woo nodded, "Yes, I'm sorry." 

"You need to be more careful in the future. Your body is not as strong as you make it out to be." She scolded.

Joon-woo nodded again. He really wasn't in the mood to be scolded for this, nor did he really care. He slipped his body off of the infirmary bed, his legs weak, but manageable under the sudden weight. 

The nurse frowned, "Don't return to practicing so much after this challenge is over."

Joon-woo nodded, "Yes, thank you for treating me." And with that, he exited the infirmary.

–+–

To Joon-woo's surprise, when he entered the dorm room, he wasn't bombarded with worry. Instead, his roommates just greeted him and went back to whatever they were doing before. Perhaps his meetings with Producer Jang-Soo had become so normalized now? He frowned at the idea of having to meet with the man more. 

More importantly, though, his mind was nothing short of a mess. Just seeing Bo Jaesang's face, full of hope and happiness made him want to spill the beans. And when he was Jung Hyun-Ok and Ryeo Hyun's he was even a bit jealous. 

How could he face Reggie and Baek Du-Ho tomorrow? How could he practice and perform knowing that his efforts would go to waste? And more importantly, where was Kite? The bird had opted to stay behind for this week of recording and really hadn't told Joon-woo why. Not that he cared, he was just a bit suspicious. The bird had always been secretive, but as Joon-woo let his thoughts wander, his unsurity slowly grew.

He clenched his fists. Wouldn't it be easier just to die?

–+–

Ha-rin stood in front of a hospital bed that Ju Hae rested on. Cheerleader had just won rookie of the year two days prior, they had never been so worked and so loved. 

"Unnie," Ju Hae called, Ha-rin looked at her without a flinch. Ju Hae was meatier along her bones now, meatier along her face, stomach, and her skin had color. Ju Hae was alive and healthy. "Do you think I'll ever be able to perform again?" 

Ha-rin closed her eyes at the blow the question had. She was the leader, and yet she wasn't sure. She looked at the 16 year old and bedridden Ju Hae, and with their age gap of just two years replied, "I hope so. I'd like to go on stage again with you, Hae-ssi." 

"The doctor said that my legs have a low chance of being able to sustain dance again." Ju Hae revealed, dejectedly looking out the hospital mirror. 

Ha-rin held her breath. "Oh. Did he?"

"Unnie. Unnie, I just wanna dance again." Ju Hae's previously deadpan voice began to quiver. "I'm sorry. Tell the others' I'm sorry. I'll never starve myself again, I promise. Tell them I'm sorry." She continued, her voice trailing off to a valley of emotion. 

Ha-rin pursed her lips and looked at Ju Hae. All Ha-rin could feel was at fault. If she was more diligent as a leader, if she put more effort into stopping Ju Hae from doing those diets, this would've never happened. She stood from her seat and engulfed the now crying Ju Hae into a hug. 

"Unnie, tell the doctor I want to dance. Tell him to make me better." Ju Hae cried, her tears staining and warming at Ha-rin's cold figure. Ju Hae shook at Ha-rin's wrist. 

Ha-rin hummed, "Shh, shh. I'm sorry, I'm sorry Hae-ssi, I'm sorry. It'll be okay. You'll get better, I promise you, it'll be okay." She frantically spoke, trying to keep her voice calm. 

"I'll never do it again, never, never, never, I promise I'll never." Ju Hae cried. At this point she had lost it, Ha-rin could tell. Ha-rin could tell and she felt powerless. Really, wasn't she the most useless. "Tell the fans, tell them I'll never disappoint them, tell them I love them. Tell them. Tell them, Unnie, please." 

Ha-rin heard faint beeping from one of the machines Ju Hae was hooked up to. She looked up, to find Ju Hae's blood pressure counter. It was going up. Rapidly.

Ha-rin looked back down to Ju Hae, her eyes widened. "Hey, hey, Unnie wants you to calm down, okay? Take a deep breath, it will be okay…" She spoke frantically. Her gaze lingered on the blood pressure.

"I just want to dance, I want to walk, I want to see them– the members. Unnie. Unnie I miss them so much…" Suddenly, the door opened and in came Ju Hae's panicked nurse. "Unnie, Unnie, Unnie, help me, save me…" 

Ha-rin stepped back per the nurse's instruction. She watched Ju Hae flail her arms for her. "Unnie, Unnie," She cried, "Where are you going? Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't–"

Ha-rin watched from a distance as Ju Hae was forced to lean back against her bed by the nurse. She watched as the nurse turned up the amount of sleeping medication in the IV. She watched as Ju Hae's tears and words alike drifted out of her mouth until they didn't, and Ju Hae was asleep. 

Ju Hae was sedated. Right in front of Ha-rin's eyes. 

The nurse turned to Ha-rin with an aura of hatred. "I recommend you don't visit for a while, 'Leader-nim'."

Chills ran down Ha-rin's spine. "Yes, sorry…" She replied, practically running out of the room. She was sorry, so sorry in fact, that when the room's door closed behind her, she squatted and began to cry.

People walked past her. Doctors, nurses, patients, visitors, security. They bypassed her. Like they had seen the sight long and long before. Most recognized her, some didn't. But ones who did took photos, sometimes. They took videos and they gathered and Ha-rin sat there and let them. 

The flash blinded her, screamed at her. The headlines, Ha-rin thought, the headlines. She hated this. She hated this. She wished she could disappear at that moment. She wished she had actually done a good job at taking care of her members.

"Stop, stop, stop please." She begged, but the flashing wouldn't stop. "Stop, stop–"

"Stop, stop, stop–" Joon-woo begged, feeling hands shaking at his arms. 

He opened his eyes. Above him, stood Ryeo Hyun. The toughness of the mattress, the plain blue sheets, the soft pillow, the thin blanket, the analog clock on the wall. He was in the dorm. He was in the dorm with people he knew he wouldn't debut with. He had a nightmare.

Ryeo Hyun's face was surprised and worried and every confused emotion in the book. From the top bunk, Bo Jaesang watched Joon-woo with a look of even more. Jung Hyun-Ok stood looking out at the bathroom doorway and at Joon-woo. Everyone had seen, heard, and witnessed his nightmare, hadn't they?

Joon-woo stayed quiet under their gazes, his cheeks grew red. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry–" He quietly spoke, pushing Ryeo Hyun's bulky arms off of his. "I–"

"No." Ryeo Hyun shook his head, "No, don't say that." Suddenly, the man pulled Joon-woo into a loose hug, one that would allow Joon-woo to shift out if he liked. 

"Joon-woo, are you okay?" Bo Jaesang asked, as Joon-woo found himself leaning into Ryeo Hyun's hug. 

Joon-woo looked at the camera. He hoped, begged, it wasn't blinking red. If they caught this, he knew it would be used in the episode. It was off. Joon-woo sighed. 

He pushed himself out of the hug after a short moment. He slowly nodded, "Sorry…" He apologized, "It was just a stupid nightmare, I didn't mean too–"

"No, no." Ryeo Hyun hushed, "Just take a deep breath. Breathe." 

It was then Joon-woo noticed how fast he was in fact breathing, how fast his heart was beating. He nodded and nodded, gathering the breath he never breathed in the tense moments before. He looked at the clock on the wall. It was 7:48 A.M.. 

Today was the last day each team had to practice. Tomorrow was performance day. Tomorrow was performance day. Today was their last day of practice and Joon-woo knew he needed to, but he didn't really want to. He wouldn't debut. He wouldn't debut and neither would Bo Jaesang. Kite wasn't here. Kite was suspicious. Baek Du-Ho was the one to help him the night before. Park Joon-woo has diagnosed anxiety and a weak body. Yeah, he was back.

When he looked back up, his roommates were still looking at him. "Sorry. Sorry about that." 

Ryeo Hyun and Jung Hyun-Ok, notorious for unchanging faces, looked at Joon-woo with an emotion he knew all too well. Pity. Worry. 

"Was it… like– a nightmare?" Bo Jaesang questioned carefully. 

Joon-woo looked away with pursed lips as he nodded once and only once.

Ryeo Hyun sighed, "Yeah. You get those." he identified Joon-woo's past sleepless nights in which he had caught.

"Are you… are you okay now?" Bo Jaesang continued to ask. 

Jung Hyun-Ok just stared Joon-woo down as if looking for something in his gaze, in his body language. 

"I'm… Okay… I'm okay." Joon-woo replied, "They just– happen sometimes." He tried to explain, excuse, but he knew Ryeo Hyun would now nag him about this too. 

Ryeo Hyun analyzed Joon-woo for another moment. "Okay. But I'm making you go easy in practice today." He instructed. 

Joon-woo slowly nodded, "Yes, Hyung." Really, he hated this. He wanted to curl up into a ball and shrink so much no one cared to ever look at him. "I'll go easy. I promise." 

Maybe this could be an excuse for trying less today.