It worked… sort of.
Instead of fighting back, he shot into the sky like a human cannonball.
He flew for what felt like forever before crash-landing—face first—into something soft.
Two large, heavenly soft 'somethings'.
When he pulled himself back, he found himself staring into the eyes of an unbelievably beautiful woman.
She was naked, bathing in a river, and as his vision cleared, he recognized her immediately.
Long Lifen.
The daughter of the Dragon Lord, a S-ranked gaurdian!
And more importantly, his 'aunt' by engagement.
Yep.
Her niece was engaged to him before the world found out Su Xiaobai was trash.
Though the engagement wasn't officially broken, the entire Azure Dragon Clan hated his guts, and Long Lifen was at the #1 of that list.
The moment she saw him, she went berserk and tried to kill him on the spot.
Death by a thousand cuts would've been a mercy compared to what she had planned.
Su Xiaobai panicked and fumbled through his bag, pulling out the stolen potions he'd grabbed from the institute
Without thinking, he splashed them all over her face, praying for a miracle.
What he didn't realize was that one of those potions was a highly potent aphrodisiac.
Within seconds, both of them were feeling the effects.
Long Lifen's rage turned into something much more dangerous.
She pounced on him, and before he knew it, she was riding him like a wild beast until his eyes rolled back in his head.
When Su Xiaobai woke up, he was locked in the Heavenly Prison, his body sore in places he didn't know could be sore.
He could only assume the Dragon Lord had thrown him in here for 'violating' Long Lifen.
But the truth?
He was the one who got violated!
Old Man Ning, who had been listening intently, suddenly burst out laughing, doubling over. "Hahahahaha! Oh, Junior, you really are the 'unluckiest' bastard alive! Framed for getting laid by your aunt, huh? I don't know what's worse—getting locked up for a crime you didn't commit or getting plowed by your aunt and not even getting to enjoy it!"
Su Xiaobai scowled. "Glad you're amused, Senior."
Ning wiped tears from his eyes, still chuckling. "Life's a real bitch sometimes, Junior."
Su Xiaobai crossed his arms, muttering, "Tell me about it. You wiped out a country. I got fucked—literally and figuratively—twice. And neither time was fun..."
Ning cackled, slapping Su Xiaobai on the back. "At least you're still alive, Junior! That's something!"
Su Xiaobai just groaned, burying his face in his hands. "Yeah, yeah... still alive to live out this miserable joke of a life."
"C'mon, Junior, don't be so gloomy about life… Sometimes life bends you over and fucks you, and sometimes, you get to fuck life back. It's all a great cosmic cycle, nothing more!" Ning Gufan said with a grin, cracking his knuckles. "Why not tell me more about these higher-ups? There's gotta be a way to put them in their place, right?"
Ning, of course, had already convinced himself that Su Xiaobai was talking about none other than the "Great Heavenly Dao" itself—those mysterious forces that wove the threads of fate like drunken tailors.
His misunderstanding only deepened his interest.
Su Xiaobai narrowed his eyes and smirked. "First, massage my shoulders."
"Hmph! You think the great Infernal Emperor would lower himself to rub your shoulders for some petty information?" Ning Gufan grumbled, but the old bastard couldn't resist.
A moment later, he was there, hands pressing into Su Xiaobai's tense muscles, all while trying to worm out the secrets that could save his miserable hide.
The Heavenly Dao had fucked him over enough times, and if there was any chance of revenge, he'd take it.
Ning Gufan thought, 'This brat's days are numbered,' he murmured secretly.
Su Xiaobai, unaware that Ning Gufan was already plotting his death, let out a sigh of satisfaction. "You know, Senior, the basic rule of life is simple: the higher-ups can fuck you however they like."
Ning grunted, his hands still kneading Su Xiaobai's shoulders.
The brat might be speaking the truth, but there had to be more.
His curiosity was practically dripping from his bald head.
"But," Su Xiaobai continued, slipping into the wise tones of a celestial sage, "after spending years trapped in the discarded pages of forgotten stories, I discovered something... something even the higher-ups can't control."
Ning's hands paused, his eyes gleaming with greed. "What is it?"
"It's the Plot Armour," Su Xiaobai said, a grin playing at his lips. "If you entertain the 'ants' watching from above, the higher-ups lose their grip on you. They can't touch you. In fact, they might even bless you with this special power. It's a cheat—like defying the heavens themselves. It lets you come back from the dead, rewrite your fate, and laugh in the face of death."
Ning Gufan's eyes widened. "What!?"
Before Ning could even form a proper question, Su Xiaobai continued, his tone more serious now. "But be warned, Senior. If you piss off those little ants, if you bore them, if you fail to dance to their tune… they'll discard you. Your plot armour will vanish, and the higher-ups? They'll erase you like you never existed."
Ning Gufan's jaw dropped.
So every death, every tragic end—every fool who fails in the cultivation path—it's because they didn't entertain these so-called ants?
He thought back to the legends of cultivators who rose to godhood, only to be struck down by sudden misfortune.
It wasn't fate, it was… rejection.
The ants, those petty observers from above, had decided they were no longer worth watching.
Ning's mind spun.
So this plot armour... is it the threads of fate, or some karma system?
The realization that their lives were being toyed with like pieces in a celestial game made him sick—but also excited.
Meanwhile, Su Xiaobai could care less how Ning interpreted it.
He had long since retired from playing the role of villain.
He had once slapped these higher-ups—those celestial entities, constantly rewriting destinies and pruning stories—and paid the price.
They tossed him into the void like a discarded draft, and he had spent centuries languishing in obscurity.
He had offended the wrong 'ants' once, and he wasn't eager to make that mistake again.
This time, he would lay low, a mere side character, unnoticed and undisturbed.
Ning Gufan chuckled darkly, shaking his head. "Junior, isn't it something? We, great cultivators, laugh at the mortals beneath us, calling them ants. And yet there are ants above us, playing the same damn game with our lives."
Su Xiaobai grinned, a wicked glint in his eyes. "That's the cycle of life, Senior. You fuck the ones below, and the ones above fuck you right back. Just make sure you do it with style."
Ning laughed heartily, slapping Su Xiaobai's back. "So tell me, Junior, who's the real enemy here? Is it the higher-ups we're all railing against or those damn ants watching us squirm?"
Su Xiaobai snorted and patted Ning's shoulder with a smirk. "Senior, you're wise beyond measure."
But Su Xiaobai knew the truth—the real enemy?
It was always the ones with their hands on the strings, the ones who fucked you over, whether they were the ants above or the great arrogant celestial entities who couldn't help but meddle with every thread of fate.
You could try to fight them, or you could play their game.
And Su Xiaobai?
This time, he was going to play it smarter than anyone had ever seen.
Su Xiaobai had learned well—over countless ages and discarded dustbins—exactly how the fates of every type of character played out.
The heroes, the villains, the side characters no one gave a damn about.
He'd seen it all.
Each one tossed aside when they no longer served the grand design.
He had become an expert in survival, not through strength or cunning, but by understanding the delicate balance of staying just unimportant enough to be left alone.
Two days later...
The faint echo of footsteps echoed down the dim & damp corridor, growing louder with each passing second.
Someone was approaching. Su Xiaobai's eyes flickered open, his senses sharp despite the casual, bored expression on his face.
Ning Gufan, sitting cross-legged nearby, straightened up, his usual smirk fading as he too heard the approaching steps.
Both men turned their heads toward the iron bars of the cell.