I’ll Find You [2]

[NIKITA]

I'm so stuck in my thoughts and plans for the future and Maksim, that I didn't even realize that I look too broken. I know that if they see me this broken, they will tell me to take a rest. I don't want them pitying me.

I need to find a way so I pretend. That is all I've been doing all this while anyway.

I pretend that my life is not on the drain. I pretend that nothing about this is disturbing and that I will come out a victor here. Maybe I will, but what if I don't?

That doesn't matter to me anymore.

I notice Maggie looking at me hopelessly, wondering how broken I have to be in this state. She gives me different eyes, maybe it's because she understands. She looks at me with eyes that tell me to get up and think straight because I have to show up to the war.

She looks like she believes in me, something mother always did. I haven't always noticed it, but Maggie has been patient with me. She's been taking care of me ever since the crash. SHe's always been like family and I've never been so thankful for the old woman.

I absolutely adore her.

I watch her get off the reception and come towards me, but I don't know why. I'm too stuck thinking about how I should have been on the plane. I know this bastard could have not murdered Raisa in cold blood.

I'm still pissed that the police left the case open but stopped the investigations like they didn't have any resources to make it all better.

One day I will get justice for my family.

One day I will make it alright, and when that day comes, the police better be ready because we will be going to war. I don't care who gets hurt in the process, because when I was hurting the world was staring at me like I was some man stuck in a soap opera.

Fuck y'all by the way.

As a courtesy, Maggie gets me some slippers from the janitor's closet but I don't thank her. Instead, I look accusingly at her, trying to transfer some of the anger I am feeling to her but I know that's not fair.

She understands me, and that is all I need today. I walk towards my office as if going away from this madness, but I know I'm going to be aching into the hospital's security system to know what has been happening over the past week.

That is the only way they would have known that I would be out of the hospital. That was the only way these people could have known that today was my day of rest. I leave the guards taking care of the body as the chief pathologist shows up to deal with the mess.

I know they will need me for the investigation, but I refuse to show up this time. I have been making visits to the police station over the past six months and all those bastards ever did was grill me even more.

I wonder what they think will make me go this time.

They failed me, and I have a feeling that I'm not the only person that the Russian police force has failed, but no one's counting, right? Well, I am. Someday I will show them that I was right.

I look at Maggie one more time, before deciding against going to my office. I tell her that I'll be taking the delivery cab home. I don't have a reason to stay here anyway. I know the police will find my fingerprints all over the man, but I don't care.

It's not like I killed him anyway. Besides, even if the hospital footage mysteriously disappears, I saw people record me that whole time. I'm telling you being a hot doctor in pink pajamas and barefoot really attracts the attention of everyone.

I know that I definitely fit into some random girl's ideal man - the carefree, zero fucks yet hotter than fuck type of person, not to mention that I am a doctor with a high position in the hospital. I couldn't care less about what anybody thinks of me anyway.

I make sure to remind Maggie that I'll be back to work later, after all, I have surgery scheduled for six hours from now.

I will show up for the patient and try fixing them.

Just because the world betrayed me doesn't mean I should also betray my patients, besides, I'm the best for a reason, and no, this is not about my ego.

Everything looks and feels weird for a moment there, but what the hell, nothing can make me change my mind. She doesn't object and does what I tell her. She assigns me someone who will drive the cab back to the hospital.

Without even waiting for the guy, I take the wheel, start the engine, and honk at the guy to show up, something he does while panting. I want to pity him but the way he's overdramatic with his pants makes me wanna smile, and fuck I do.

He looks so good that my brain decides on sexualizing him. His hands could feel so good in my hair and somehow I'm sure he'd be better in bed than the woman I had the previous day. His body build is perfect like he was made for me.

His pink lips make me wanna question what the fuck he did to them, but what do I care, right? I think he realizes how I'm looking at him because he clears his throat and stiffens next to me.

Fuck.

Coitus isn't really a solution to my problems, but at least it makes me forget how shitty my life is. That would mean something, except it means nothing, what the hell.

Straightening up, I keep my eyes on the road, careful because I don't want to be the reason someone ends up in the hospital. I don't want to be the cause of a family's pain. Sure, mine was snatched from me, but I'm not that obsessed with being bad to everyone.

Eventually, I get home and thank the guy for being patient with me. He looks at me like he wants to eat me up, but I don't get eaten. I am the one who eats. I sigh as he kisses my neck and boy I'm screwed how the hell had we gotten so close anyway.

I refuse to think about it and tell him to have a safe trip back to the hospital. He looks at me amusedly like he can't believe me.

This bastard.

Can't he see that I'm a manly man? Aaargh, I don't care anyway.

I get off the van and tell him to be careful, for the hundredth time in three seconds.

Maybe I'm getting fuzzy in my head but I need to focus.

I need to focus on my little brother and the possibility of Maksim being alive.