Prologue - dreams

"How long will he be able to endure?"

"How long can you hold on?"

"Little by little, light will turn into darkness."

"Don't you think?"

"Top 1!!"

XXX

"How do these dreams emotionally affect you in your daily life?" The man, an elderly man of Chinese descent, speaks to me. The place we are in, to put it in the best possible way, is anything but a psychology clinic; rather, the place resembles that of a collector. I can see a stuffed panther beside me. Aside from the bookshelves that cover the four walls of the room, everything seems to be written in Latin. I wonder if he'd let me read them?

"They make me wake up in a bad mood, they make me feel tired, nauseous, and my muscles heavy."

"Good, let's move on to the next question," the old man says as he notes down on his clipboard.

"Is there any traumatic event or past experience that could be related to your dreams?" I look at the golden Buddha placed on a bedside table as I ponder my response.

"Just the time I saw someone with half their arm cut off by an ice crusher," I say, recalling something distant.

"I understand," the psychologist says. "Next question."

"Have you talked to anyone close about your dreams, and what is their opinion?"

"My father thinks it's something I eat before bed, too much salt and sugar. My mother says it's because I stay up too late, and my sister doesn't seem to care." Dr. Miguel Alo furrows his brow at my comment. "That could have something to do with your symptoms. Eating poorly, not exercising, and not sleeping at your proper hours harm your health, young man."

"That's what I thought, and in fact, I tried to change my habits. I tried since last Wednesday by cutting the grass in my yard, removing stones, moving bags of soil, and eating oatmeal for dinner. By the night before 9 pm, I couldn't take it anymore with my body. Nothing I did worked."

"Curious," says the psychologist. The late afternoon light passes through the glass door, but its distorted reflection casts unsettling shadows on the walls, creating a gloomy and oppressive atmosphere.

"Are you worried that these dreams might be a symptom of an underlying problem?"

"Not so much, so many bad things happen to me that it was the last thing missing," I slump in my chair, looking at the zebra skin-covered floor, while running my fingers through my hair. I only hear the doctor's pen moving on the paper until he asks the next question.

"Have you noticed any changes in your sleep quality or your ability to concentrate due to your dreams?"

"Yes, I can't stop thinking about it, they're just visions, blurs that disturb me."

"Uh-huh, okay."

"Do you think your dreams could be related to unresolved desires or conflicts in your life?"

"Desires? Conflicts?" I wonder, crossing my desires as I think, searching for something in my chaotic mind that makes the slightest sense.

"I'm not sure about that; they usually don't make sense," of course, it's not like I know what's going on in my head when I dream it.

Such an answer makes the doctor sigh as he turns to another sheet of paper on his clipboard, perhaps understanding my thoughts.

"Let's put it this way, what have you dreamed that you can remember?"

The question leaves me serious for a moment, having a mental battle.

Should I tell him? I don't think he'll laugh at me.

Well, he's here to help, they're paying him for that, I think to myself.

"I dream strange things, some where I see people surrounding me, shadows of people gathered watching me, mostly the times I see them they are either crowding around me or taking firmer postures or even whispering things I can't understand." I pause noticing the incessant serpentine rhythm of Dr. Nao's pen, an action that somehow makes me uncomfortable.

"Go on," he says without looking up from the clipboard, jotting down something that doesn't make me feel calm.

"Among my dreams that I remember better, I see the silhouette of a girl or young woman," he doesn't even stop writing to look at me.

"She's trying to tell me something, but I can't understand it. Sometimes she's a head shorter, maybe 2 or 3, sometimes we're at the same height, but I can always recognize her silhouette." The psychologist listens in silence, though his eyes reveal deep understanding but also intrigued curiosity.

"I see her almost always walking beside me or following me from behind or watching me through a window or television, I even think I saw her among the crowd of shadows." I pause, which the doctor takes advantage of to speak again.

"And how does the constant presence of this girl in your dreams and visions make you feel? Do you experience any specific emotion when you see her? Such as fear? Curiosity? Confusion? or love?"

"I experience many emotions when I see her, but the one that resonates most in my mind is sadness and regret."

"I don't know why. But just seeing her. I feel like she reminds me of someone." The psychologist nods, showing understanding, and then continues:

"Sadness and regret are powerful emotions that can arise when we are confronted with images or situations that remind us of past events or important people in our lives. It seems that this girl in your dreams and visions is touching a sensitive nerve within you, evoking memories or feelings that you have not yet fully processed." He pauses for a moment, as if he were reflecting on your words, and then adds:

"Perhaps that sadness and regret are related to something you would like to change or relive differently in your life. Is there any past event or situation that you can associate with the appearance of this girl in your dreams?"

"Well, I guess it could be related to our distancing with my girlfriend."

The psychologist, upon hearing my connection between the dreams and the distancing with my girlfriend, shows an expression of interest and understanding.

"I understand, the distancing in your relationship may be affecting your dreams and your emotional state. It's natural for those feelings of sadness and regret to manifest in this way in your dreams."

He adds, jotting down on his clipboard again, flipping the page to ask again.

"Is there anything else you'd like to add?"

"In fact, yes, unrelated to the girl, but something that has given me goosebumps," I said somewhat fearful.

"These last dreams I've had, I've started to see a blurry silhouette, I can't remember, but I think I've seen it before in the past." I take a breath to speak again.

"This silhouette is something that seems to move among them, weaving black threads that connect between the shadows and me. I don't fully understand its purpose, but it seems to be closer and more connected to me."

"I see," says the psychologist, and then he gets up from the chair and walks towards me, which I mimic by standing up as well.

"Exploring your dreams and their meanings can help you. Therapy can help you analyze and understand these images and emotions, and meditation can provide you with tools to calm your mind and explore your subconscious more deeply. Together, we can work to decipher the purpose of this blurry silhouette and how it relates to you. Would you like to start working on this during our sessions?"

he says, extending his hand towards me with a big smile and confidence that I can't deny.

"If this lets me sleep peacefully again, why not," I say, shaking his hand, sharing his smile and the hope of ending these dreams.